Out of the blue shes gone.

[1102]

First time asking for help...I met my girlfriend when we were coworkers about two years ago and I really wasnt even attracted to her at the time but I found myself really liking her the more we talked. At the time she had a boyfriend whom she had a daughter with. She would talk to me a lot about her irritation with her boyfriend and told me on many occasions that she didnt want to be with him but because of their daughter she stayed. Then about a year ago after I left the company I got a text asking for help looking for an apartment as her boyfriend asked her to move out. I helped her find an appartment and we almost immediately started seeing eachother. With my job I work strange hours some nights, some days, some mid shifts so I am kinda all over the place when it comes to time. I did the best I could however to schedule my days off with hers and see her when I was off even if it was just for a few hours. I would spend some nights with her and she would spend some with me but we tried as hard as we could to not confuse her daughter and we decided to keep our relationship a secret for fear of backlash from her ex.

Our relationship was very good when I had to go she would hold me tight and beg me to stay and when we were together it was always very passionate and exciting. We went on several weekend getaways and had a great time. When we weren't together we would text or snapchat eachother most of the day. She would tell me every single day how much she missed me and couldn't wait to see me. I would tell her the same. When we were together I would try and do all the things that her ex didnt do like help around the house, fix the car, clean the drains, pay for meals etc and she was always very grateful for it. Really the only thing we ever really fought about was the fact that she didnt like to talk about things that bothered her and it was hard because I could tell something was bothering her but she would just hold it in. Our relationship was pretty much just like this the whole last year. She was struggling with money because she had to pay for everything with no help from him so I set her up on a budget and helped her out a little bit here and there and her whole family was amazed that she was doing it all on her own. It was kinda strange with us being a secret but we both decided it was for the best with her daughter.

She would go out with her friends and go down town to the bars and have a good time but would constantly text me and let me know she was ok and would also always tell me how she cant wait to get home to take care of me. I always trusted her as that was something her ex was very possessive about, always demanding she send him pictures or telling her she had to pick up anytime he called. I tried as hard as I could to not be that way and in return she would always reassure me that everything was ok.

Then the night everything changed. She went out with her best friend and texted me through the night snapping pictures of them having a good time until I finally fell asleep only to be awoken by her call, crying saying her ex was at her house when she got home and they had a big fight in front of their daughter. The fight was mostly about the fact that he doesnt do anything to help her and she couldn't get him to leave. He finally left and she called me. I went over and held her till she fell asleep. Come to find out the next day her best friend had started seeing her ex and that was not ok with her. She talked to me at great length about how mad it made her. She didnt have any feelings for her ex but was just mad at her friend. Over the next couple of weeks she went on a family vacation and we didnt see a lot of eachother for about 3 weeks and when she got back (about a month ago) something felt off she was preoccupied and the texts slowed down and the snaps slowed down and she just wasnt being herself. Over the next week or so she did not ask me to come over and she did not ask me to stay when I did. When I asked her what was wrong she would tell me nothing. Then I noticed the best friend heart on snapchat went away (something we had for the whole last year) when I asked her about it she brushed it off. A few days go by and I notice the heart doesnt come back which means shes talking to someone else more then me. We had a planned night together and i got a text from her saying how she is no longer friends with her best friend and she needs to get full custody of her daughter. I told her if she wanted to talk about it when I got there we could. When I got there she said she didnt want to talk about it but just wanted to watch a movie. Throughout the movie she was clearly distant from me and she just laid on her side of the bed and didnt even move. I finally paused the movie and said what's up after about 30 minutes of me prodding she says you waited to long but didnt want to talk about it. I then said "who is the other guy?" I said I know you have been talking to someone else ever since that heart went away a few weeks ago so who is he. She said I have been talking to someone but nothing has happened we have just been talking. I explained to her that I always had a hard time trying to understand what she wanted because she never talked to me or would tell me her feelings. After her crying on my shoulder and hugging me right I got the feeling she wanted to break up so I said is this it? And she didnt say anything. I kissed her several times and told her how much I loved her but if she wanted me to go then I'll go again she didnt say anything. I stood up and started to leave and then stopped and asked her how I'm supposed to just leave my person just like that she said I love you and I said I love you too. I thin put my key on the dresser and left.

The next morning I got a text from her saying how she disnt sleep and her mind was a mess. I told her it was the worst night of my life. We didnt talk much that day but the next day I texted her saying I didnt understand what was happening but that I didnt want to just give up on us and that we are perfect for eachother. She responded with I'm sorry. The next day I told her maybe we just need a little bit of time apart so we agreed to gi e it 10 full days of no contact. I figured that would give her some time to sort everything out. (Longest 10 days of my life) after the 10 days were up I texted her asking if she want me to go or stay and she did not reply.

 

The strange part to all of this is I can see her location through snapchat and I regularly would look and she didnt di anything that 10 days other then work and go home. And her snapchat stories were always just hanging out with girlfriends at her house or stuff with her daughter. There was only one day that she went out for about 2 hours to a restaurant and the mall and I suppose she could have gone on a date that day but that was it.

 

It has been two days since then and I dont know what I should do. It went from love love love to nothing almost overnight and it really is confusing me. Any advice as to what I should do would be great. I feel like i should just text her and tell her that I'll respect her and wont contact her but I'm always here if and when she is ready.

 

She is very upset with the ex and her friend and I dont know who this other guy is shes been talking to. She didnt deny talking to him and i believe her that shes not sleeping with him or anything shes not that kind of girl.

 

Please help me I really dont have anyone to talk to about this.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this one is over, OP.

 

She hasn't had the courage to come out and tell you that, but her silence is her immature and cowardly way of communicating that to you. It's disappointing and hurtful, but the way she's handling this says a lot. And it's not good.

 

You overlooked a lot of red flags here. She dove out of one relationship right into the next and got loved up right away, which strongly suggests she was rebounding. Then, she kept you a secret. To clarify - were you a secret from everyone throughout the duration of your relationship? I could understand keeping it quiet from her daughter at first but not from everyone else. Not for this long.

 

No, you should definitely not text her that you're always there if and when she is ready. OP, she was being shady with you and talking to some other guy behind your back. Offering to just sit around and wait is arse-backwards. She might not be sleeping with him yet (though I doubt it, now that you're broken up) but she will. She isn't asking for you to be there for her, so you need to find your backbone and exit stage left. She's already gone.

 

Also, you need to quit looking at her location and activity on social media. You're driving yourself mental trying to figure out where she is all the time, and who she's with. It's not going to indicate that he is at her place, anyway.

Edited September 28, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[BluesPower]

You have been used... and you were def a rebound.

 

You were her KISA and you have served your purpose, and now she has a new guy.

 

Further, she has already been sleeping with the new guy, and she did not have the balls to just break up with you.

 

You are the nice guy, and the new guy she met on vacation and started sleeping with him then. You sound a little naïve about all of this, it is pretty standard for the "nice guy" to get used like this.

 

There are several lessons that you should learn here, do you know what they are?

[1102]

I think this one is over, OP.

 

She hasn't had the courage to come out and tell you that, but her silence is her immature and cowardly way of communicating that to you. It's disappointing and hurtful, but the way she's handling this says a lot. And it's not good.

 

You overlooked a lot of red flags here. She dove out of one relationship right into the next and got loved up right away, which strongly suggests she was rebounding. Then, she kept you a secret. To clarify - were you a secret from everyone throughout the duration of your relationship? I could understand keeping it quiet from her daughter at first but not from everyone else. Not for this long.

 

No, you should definitely not text her that you're always there if and when she is ready. OP, she was being shady with you and talking to some other guy behind your back. Offering to just sit around and wait is arse-backwards. She might not be sleeping with him yet (though I doubt it, now that you're broken up) but she will. She isn't asking for you to be there for her, so you need to find your backbone and exit stage left. She's already gone.

 

Also, you need to quit looking at her location and activity on social media. You're driving yourself mental trying to figure out where she is all the time, and who she's with. It's not going to indicate that he is at her place, anyway.

 

I agree I did look over a lot of red flags. I dont know about this other guy but I feel like this whole ex boyfriend and her best friend thing did something to her and maybe she is just really depressed about it....we decided to keep it quiet from everyone because the ex had been harassing her a lot and would call her 150 times a night telling her how he was going to take their daughter away and make her life miserable if she didnt take him back so we both thought it was a good idea to be quiet about us being together. She is a shy girl and doesnt like confrontation....just after we broke up she did reach out to me several times saying she didnt want to lose me and that she cant stand not talking to me. At the time I was upset and basically told her I didnt want to talk about the weather and pony's but I wanted to do life with her..

[1102]

You have been used... and you were def a rebound.

 

You were her KISA and you have served your purpose, and now she has a new guy.

 

Further, she has already been sleeping with the new guy, and she did not have the balls to just break up with you.

 

You are the nice guy, and the new guy she met on vacation and started sleeping with him then. You sound a little naïve about all of this, it is pretty standard for the "nice guy" to get used like this.

 

There are several lessons that you should learn here, do you know what they are?

 

I really dont think she slept with someone on vacation and I know she is not having anyone over to her house as her friend told me her house is a mess and she hates having people see it dirty.

I tried as hard as possible to make sure I wasnt a rebound but I may have fallen into that. She truly hates her ex and is so angry towards him but she does not like confrontation so she keeps it all in.

[BluesPower]

I really dont think she slept with someone on vacation and I know she is not having anyone over to her house as her friend told me her house is a mess and she hates having people see it dirty.

I tried as hard as possible to make sure I wasnt a rebound but I may have fallen into that. She truly hates her ex and is so angry towards him but she does not like confrontation so she keeps it all in.

 

As I said... Your are being Naïve about things.

 

Maybe you are right, maybe not, but the red flags are there.

 

All I am saying is, this is the stuff that you have to look out for...

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, anyone who needs to pretend she is single for a year is not someone you should even consider dating. It doesn't matter what the reason is; she was never truly available to commit to you. You can't have a healthy and functioning relationship - nevermind a future together - when you are a secret.

 

She cries and claims she doesn't want to lose you, but she already lined up your replacement while you were still together. This is not a woman who loves you and is afraid to lose you. You need to start looking at her actions rather than believing the lines she's fed you.

 

You're not going to do life with this girl, my friend. And it sounds like that will be in your best interest.

[1102]

OP, anyone who needs to pretend she is single for a year is not someone you should even consider dating. It doesn't matter what the reason is; she was never truly available to commit to you. You can't have a healthy and functioning relationship - nevermind a future together - when you are a secret.

 

She cries and claims she doesn't want to lose you, but she already lined up your replacement while you were still together. This is not a woman who loves you and is afraid to lose you. You need to start looking at her actions rather than believing the lines she's fed you.

 

You're not going to do life with this girl, my friend. And it sounds like that will be in your best interest.

 

We agreed that we stay a secret but it was more me pushing it then her, which is why she said I waited to long. As we would discuss letting people know I was truly concerned for her and her daughter based on her ex and the way he treated her. He was very manipulative and controlling she would go out with her friends and he would follow them to make sure she wasnt meeting anyone else. The last time they were together she came home pretty drunk and he forced himself on her as she slept, she woke up in the middle of it and he jumped off of her. She was so scared to leave that she waited two weeks before she finally left. After we started going out her biggest fear was that he would show up at her house, which he did that one night. I believe this is why she was so angry about her best friend entering a relationship with him because she new all about everything he did to her. As soon as she found out about the two of then is when she started getting distant from me.

[preraph]

I understand her being very upset with her friend being with her ex, even if she has no feelings left (but one always has residual feelings). It causes problems because now to see her friend, she'll have to see her ex -- which he well knows and is probably why he went after her friend. So I think he's pulling her strings. She may have met someone on vacation as well, but I doubt that's serious or even that he's in town.

 

Also, I understand keeping a relationship secret while you go through child custody battles. Is that what is going on? You can't keep it secret though if they hire an investigator. It's not illegal for her to see someone, but judges don't like kids being exposed to strange men frequently. He may have threatened her because surely her best friend knew she was seeing someone. If not, I'm saying she wasn't serious from the first because it's not normal to keep someone a secret too long from everyone. So that's a bit of a red flag. But he may have convinced her he can take the child because she's seeing someone, which is nonsense, but how would she know that unless she consults an attorney. So if she doesn't have an attorney, she needs one to keep him from scaring her.

 

If he started dating her friend, then that's the first he knew she was seeing another man -- and I can tell you that that is when the crap hits the fan and the men get jealous and start threatening things.

 

So run that scenario by her. Say, So did your best friend tell your ex you were dating me? He might not have told her how he knows, though, to protect the best friend. Ask, Is he threatening to take your child? Because that is the one thing she said, that she has to get custody, so it seems to me this is what has happened. He's painting her the adultress bringing strange men around the kids and telling her this enables him to get the kids. It doesn't. So try to talk to her and find out if that is going on and tell her she needs to have her own attorney to deal with him.

[1102]

I understand her being very upset with her friend being with her ex, even if she has no feelings left (but one always has residual feelings). It causes problems because now to see her friend, she'll have to see her ex -- which he well knows and is probably why he went after her friend. So I think he's pulling her strings. She may have met someone on vacation as well, but I doubt that's serious or even that he's in town.

 

Also, I understand keeping a relationship secret while you go through child custody battles. Is that what is going on? You can't keep it secret though if they hire an investigator. It's not illegal for her to see someone, but judges don't like kids being exposed to strange men frequently. He may have threatened her because surely her best friend knew she was seeing someone. If not, I'm saying she wasn't serious from the first because it's not normal to keep someone a secret too long from everyone. So that's a bit of a red flag. But he may have convinced her he can take the child because she's seeing someone, which is nonsense, but how would she know that unless she consults an attorney. So if she doesn't have an attorney, she needs one to keep him from scaring her.

 

If he started dating her friend, then that's the first he knew she was seeing another man -- and I can tell you that that is when the crap hits the fan and the men get jealous and start threatening things.

 

So run that scenario by her. Say, So did your best friend tell your ex you were dating me? He might not have told her how he knows, though, to protect the best friend. Ask, Is he threatening to take your child? Because that is the one thing she said, that she has to get custody, so it seems to me this is what has happened. He's painting her the adultress bringing strange men around the kids and telling her this enables him to get the kids. It doesn't. So try to talk to her and find out if that is going on and tell her she needs to have her own attorney to deal with him.

 

Thank you I had never thought of it like that and that is possible for sure. The last few months her daughter(5) has also gotten quite attached to me as well as she would crawl up in my lap and fall asleep or run to give me a hug as I leave and maybe my ex was scared she was going to say something. The daughter doesnt see her dad very often but it is possible that she said something....I texted my ex today to let her know that I miss both of them and that I am always here. I am not interested in finding anyone else and i wanted her to know that whatever is going on I wont just go away until I know for sure she wants me to. She did not respond to my text. Prior to that text I told her to delete me from snapchat if she doesnt want anything to do with me and she did not do that plus she left her location on knowing full well that I can see where she is because we had talked about that about a week before the breakup. If this is indeed what is going on it would all make sense.

[preraph]

I feel she has to stop you from replying because her ex has threatened her, and this coincides with when he started dating her friend, but yes, the child might also have said something. Your next communication, whether she answers or not, should be "If your ex is threatening you about taking the child, he can't do that and you are allowed to date discreetly with the child around, but you need an attorney."

[1102]

On the night we broke up she texted me saying "I have to get full custody and I guess I am no longer friends with my friend" I told her we could talk about it later that night but when I got there I asked if she wanted to talk about it and she said no and went on to basically ignore me the rest of the night until I finally made her talk and we broke up....I wish I could let her know somehow that I might understand what is going on. I have noticed that she looks at my snapchat stories as soon as I post them maybe i could use that as a way to tell her.....oh and one other piece of information that I forgot about is her friend told me that all the stuff I gave her or that was up in her room is still there and has not moved. We never had pictures but there were some things we had bought when we were on our trips together that she had put up in her room. I would think she would have taken all that down and deleted me off snapchat when I told her to.

[1102]

Just an update. I know that she had been very concerned about losing her apartment because she gets no help from her ex so I decided to call the property management place and speak with the lady that we talked to when we found her the place. I explained that she is worried about her place and the lady said because she has done so well making her rent she is more then willing to help her out and can even get her rent refused. She asked me to just have my ex call her. I texted my ex and simply said "I know you dont want to talk to to me right now and I also know you have been worried about rent so I called your landlord and she says since you have been so great in paying she will absolutely help you out and get your rent lowered" I did not get a response but I didnt really expect one I just wanted her to know that I still care. I'm not going to reach out to her again....

 

I did speak to one of her friends and she said she has been distant from her as well but she does know all the little things we got together are still on the shelves.

[Mardelis]

You were out of line calling her landlord. It's not your business, her problems are no longer your problems to fix.

 

 

Just leave her alone already.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with Mardelis, OP.

 

You have no business poking around in her problems anymore. It's not your place, and that includes talking to her friends about her, too.

 

I know you're hurting and want some attention from her, but this was really not an appropriate choice of action.

[1102]

I get that it's none of my business but this is also someone I loved and someone who i was planning on being with long term so it is really difficult to just turn that off and just not care. I am also very worried about her. I am trying as hard as I can to just let it all go but it's like having someone close to you die.

[ExpatInItaly]

I get that it's none of my business but this is also someone I loved and someone who i was planning on being with long term so it is really difficult to just turn that off and just not care. I am also very worried about her. I am trying as hard as I can to just let it all go but it's like having someone close to you die.

 

Of course. That is what break-ups are about; the sudden absence of an important person in your life is bewildering and painful. While I very much disagree that it's like having a loved one die (and I speak from experience having lost a boyfriend in a tragic accident years ago) I get the analogy. Keep in mind that nearly everyone on this board has been through a big breakup or two or even several in our day. We can assure you that while it's hurtful, what you're feeling is normal.

 

However, there is a difference between having feelings and still caring, and acting on it by crossing boundaries. It's the latter you need to be careful with. Loving someone doesn't give you license to intrude in her life. She didn't ask you to play White Knight for her, and it won't help you get her back. If anything, it will do the opposite and push her further away. This is especially true given that she is seeing someone else and went silent on you. What's done is done now, but just don't do it again.

[Mardelis]

I get that it's none of my business but this is also someone I loved and someone who i was planning on being with long term so it is really difficult to just turn that off and just not care. I am also very worried about her. I am trying as hard as I can to just let it all go but it's like having someone close to you die.

 

 

Show some restraint. What you wrote here sounds like the stuff stalkers are made of albeit a milder version.

 

 

It's over. Accept it, leave her alone, move on.