URGENT! Losing the love of my life.

[Ruby0019]

I was in a long distance relationship with my partner for 8 months which may not seem as long to some but i fell in love with him very early on but 3 days ago he broke up with me out of nowhere. During our relationship at first we used to have more arguments and the first 1-2 months of the relationship my partner was going through some depression and had thoughts about harming himself really badly.

 

I stayed with him through all of that and later he said that ive saved his life and without me he wouldnt be alive. As time went on we had less and less fighting and things seemed to be only getting better. We met 4 times and the last meeting was for 5 weeks and he seemed very happy to be with me and we gave alot of love to each other As i came back on the 12th of August things still seemed alright and i didnt see much changing in the way he acts. He still seemed very happy but said he missed me and being with me.

 

On my birthday, Tuesday, the 21st of August he was very loving and also posted a birthday message on Facebook saying that he loved me very much and we’ve made many memories together and theres more to make aswell as other things that i wouldnt expect from a person that would think of breaking up. Wednesday seemed fine. Nothing suspicious from his behalf and things still were okay (atleast i thought they were). On Thursday afternoon the first message he texted me was that he wasnt sure our relationship was gonna work because he felt this void and that some days he loved me more as a friend but some days things were okay and he loved me as you would love your partner in a relationship.

 

He said that he would need a month to think about his feelings and if things carried on the same how they were before he would break up. The rest of the day we continued talking normally and i tried to not think too much of what had happened. On Friday he sent me a message saying: Im sorry but i dont think i can do this anymore. I know i said ill wait a month but i cant do this. That broke me. I didnt know what to do. I made the mistake of begging because i thought it would work. I said we could work on it and that if he still loves me, things are gonna be okay.

 

I begged the whole day but nothing worked. He said that is his final decision but he would like to stay friends because he always said he would support me and be there for me. But i dont want to be friends.. i just want him back. I dont know what to do to fix this anymore. If anyone has any advice i would appreciate it and be really thankful.

 

Best regards,

Ruby

Edited August 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. This must be a shock to you.

 

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to fix anything when the other person simply doesn't want to. It needs to a mutual effort from both, and he's already checked himself out of the game, so to speak.

 

Some people are just not cut out for long-distance. It's hard to keep the connection alive when you live far apart; I have a feeling that's a big part of the problem for him. He cares about you but his romantic interest faded over time, it seems. That can happen when someone isn't physically in your presence. What was once interesting and novel loses its luster when you're conducting a relationship from two different geographic areas.

 

How far apart are you, and were there any tentative plans to eventually close the distance?

[Ralph79]

Ruby,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you can keep yourself together. Being with a person through the circumstances you described would take a toll on anyone. Sudden changes are usually brought on by external factors.

 

I can't help but ask:

 

1) Was he ever addicted to any substance?

2) Was he coming out of another relationship just prior to meeting you?

 

Those questions aside, advice I would give you would be to keep your distance. We are at our worst when we don't have any power in the relationship as you are right now. At this point, begging or any other attempts to sway him back will be counterproductive. Try to keep what's left of your pride and dignity intact.

 

You don't need his pity based friendship after helping through the hellhole he was in. I know it's nearly impossible but try to remain as objective as you can. Rely on close friends or family for support.

 

I'm not saying to give up on the relationship, but I do think that it's fate is out of your hands at the moment. He has got to see for himself how much he truly needs you in his life.

[d0nnivain]

Ruby0019

 

I'm sorry you are hurting but you can't change his mind. Maybe he is just fed up with an LDR. Maybe there is somebody else. Maybe seeing you for 5 weeks made this more real then he could handle. Why he wants out doesn't matter; the fact that he has called it quits is all that counts.

 

I know you can't see it now but he is not the love of your life. If he was, you'd still be together.

 

Right now you have to focus on yourself & your healing. That requires a grieving process. Cry Be upset. Let your emotions out. Then you purge, getting rid of the posts, the trinkets, the mementos. In time you will survive this. Hang in there.

[Ruby0019]

To answer your questions, he wasnt addicted to any substances nor did he drink much. His last relationship was about a year to year and a half ago so i dont think that it should be related to that.

[Ruby0019]

Also, we’re 1500 miles apart. Basically im in Northern Europe and he’s in Southern. We did had many plans to have a future together. Our plan was for me to move to where he lives and for us to get a place together roughly in about a year or so. We had already made plans to meet at Christmas time too.

[amaysngrace]

I’m sorry you’re heartbroken.

 

The one thing that strikes me is that he was battling depression. You shouldn’t expect to have a healthy relationship with someone who’s not well and it was unfair of him to pursue a new relationship if he didn’t have that under control.

 

He tainted your entire relationship and even expected you to be the source of his happiness. I’d have a few choice words for somebody who tried to do that to me.

 

Truly you should have let him go when he first said that rather than allowing him to drag you into his sickness.

 

You shouldn’t have to save anybody from themselves. They should be whole entirely on their own.

 

I think he did you a big favor by breaking up with you. But that’s just me.

[Gretchen12]

He's probably dumping you because he knows he doesn't have the capacity to match your feelings. So the more you beg, the more he is convinced he can't deliver. It seems to happen with depressed people. It's not that he'd rather love someone else. The irony is that, only people who have fallen in love with the depressed guy would be willing to put up with him. But if you are in love with him then he feels the pressure to reciprocate when he has no energy to do so, he's too busy trying to just stay alive. He would wear a mask and give you what you need, but only for some time because it drains him. That's why he is fine with friends because then he has support (not be alone), but no romantic demands on his energy. But you have needs too, and he knows this. I've gone through similar, and I had to conclude there was no solution.

[Ruby0019]

I do believe that he wouldnt be the one to break up to be with someone else right after. This makes me remember him saying that he feels like he cant give me everything i need and cant fulfill all the emotional needs of mine but the thing is i dont feel like that. I feel like he gave me all i needed and i was really happy to be with him no matter what had happened before. Also what i agree with is that nobody really understood why i stayed with him when he was going through depression but it was just because i loved him so much that i wanted to help and support him. But my questions are: could it be the 5 weeks that drained him as he had to keep giving love for all that time? And could him being drained from that lead to him breaking up?

[d0nnivain]

If he's depressed & was saying things about not being good enough, his illness is causing him to isolate. Unfortunately from a long distance you can't fix this. He needs therapy

[Ruby0019]

He used to be depressed for the first 1-2 months of the relationship. Recently his mental health seemed to be getting better. He recently moved countries so hes been starting to go to a therapist there. He just has been feeling alone because of his past and his mom not paying enough attention to him as a child. So thats more of an issue with his relationship with his mom not ours. Only thing is that maybe it could have been that it also affected my relationship with him and maybe thats what made him feel that void in the relationship but he just didnt understand what was causing it. Could it be that he needs to work on his feelings and reconnect with his mom and that will fix the issue?

[Ruby0019]

Another thing is that i have noticed him isolating himself quite a few times so i do agree with that. Alot of times when he couldve gone out with his friends he just didnt want to, wouldnt talk to people at school but his reasoning behind it was that he just didnt get along with them and that they werent the type of people he would want to hang out with.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not a mental health expert. I'm just a person who is depressed. Even if I was a mental health expert, it would be irresponsible for me to diagnose or attempt to treat someone over the internet with anecdotal stories from his LD-exGF.

 

The road to mental health is one each person has to walk alone.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to work on healing from this break up

[Lotsgoingon]

Ruby,

 

Sorry to hear of this pain ... and this sudden breakup.

 

It is extremely tricky to date a person who has depression ... you say he was depressed early on ... but as a recovering depressed person, what often happens is that people hide their depression and minimize it in an attempt to make it go away. He improved ... but people are still struggling in a low-grade depression.

 

When it's low-grade depression ... people can sorta fake it. Like I could function at work ... but as soon as I got home, I would collapse and isolate myself. ... I had no energy to be social.

 

I've been on both sides of the dating someone who was depressed or simply struggling with life.

 

Most likely, you invested a lot of love and kindness in him ... You were probably patient and loving and understanding. Great qualities ... except ... this is the tricky part of dealing with a person with depression ... Because of all your work in loving the other person, YOU, the helper ... become more invested in the relationship and more committed to it, than the helpee, the recipient of that love.

 

What's really disorienting is that the depressed person will loudly thank the helping partner and tell you how wonderful you've been to them. The catch here is that being grateful to someone is not the same as having the energy to be in relationship with them.

 

What I experienced in your situation is the pain of breakup ... and then an additional pain of betrayal and surprise and confusion. It's the pain of betrayal and surprise--the disbelief--that really hurts. After all I've done for you and all that you acknowledge I've done, you are breaking up with me?

 

I would guess that he feels overwhelmed (more than he has let on to you or to himself) and that he simply lacks the energy required to be in a relationship, short distance or long. And his feelings of wanting to be alone ... probably have absolutely nothing to do with you. It's how he would feel had he dated anyone.

 

Anyway, I feel your pain. I think I've been there.

Edited August 27, 2018 by Lotsgoingon