SuperHeroMan Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 The people I have knew who broke up with their girlfriend or boyfriend usually refused to be "just" friends with them after the break up, and they basically just stopped seeing and talking to them at all and they both basically went their separate ways after the break up. When I broke up with my girlfriend, we still somewhat remained friends, but we don't usually talk to each other that much anymore. But to me, still talking to someone just a little bit is still better than completely cutting them out your life. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 When you are the dumpee you stop being friends because it hurts to much to be around somebody you want more from when they don't want you. When you are the dumper, I never wanted to be the source of additional pain to somebody so I steered clear. I never refused a phone call & always tried to be gracious but if I'd had a BF who constantly called & whined & begged that would get old really fast. Then the anger & resentment would creep in. I am civil to everyone I ever dated. If I see them out, I will spend a few minutes to catch up. My husband & I actually socialize with one of my HS BFs & his wife (I'd be out of HS for more than 25 years when we started this). I did a business deal with my grad school EX. But to talk constantly & continuously be in each other's lives if you don't share children it's too much & it tends to make potential new partners think you have poor boundaries & are still holding a candle for the EX. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 never be friends with an ex unless you have kids together 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 Because life goes on, and people tend to drift apart and lose interest in staying friends with an ex. They meet new partners and put more attention there, letting the past stay in the past. Not remaining friends is not always done with the express purpose of cutting someone out. It often just naturally happens when one or both parties moves on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Neruda20 Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 The people I have knew who broke up with their girlfriend or boyfriend usually refused to be "just" friends with them after the break up, and they basically just stopped seeing and talking to them at all and they both basically went their separate ways after the break up. I have remained all friends with my previous partners, except one. I was the dumper in all the situations, except that one. For me, it was easy to transition into friendship, since that's how I already felt about those women. The exception was the only woman I have ever been in love with. Her leaving me broke me. We tried talking, but it only caused me more pain. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 Like it says in D0nnivain's post above, you can't get over someone if they're still around, and the dumper may not want to ever deal with the person again either. But aside from that, if you collect exes, and by exes, I mean people who were a real relationship, not just a quick fling, you can't keep them around or it will ruin your future social life. No one wants to put up with someone who can't leave their ex alone. So you're just blocking yourself from having a successful relationship by letting that happen. Better to just be civil acquaintances, be polite and say hi if you run into them out and they're with their spouse or whatever or you are. But not contact them personally. I do have to say that times have changed. In the 70s, people were much more easy going about these things and I was friends with exes, but these were not husbands, just guys I fell in love with. And they all knew each other at least as acquaintances, pretty much. But even then, no one liked it if there was an ex lurking around who seemed to have intentions. No one likes that and no one ought to have to put up with it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThreeRainbows Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 It's not in her best interest to talk to you. Have you never been friend-zoned after getting dumped? Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 I think its because feelings flair up more than people like the admit, even in dumpers that "fell out of love" or "feel indifferent". Putting physical distance helps prevent anything from happening and gives security to any of ur future partners that u wont fall back in love with the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 I recall the 'friends' speech in MC. My response after that period? If we were still friends, we'd be married. Relationships progress or they end. They don't go backwards, for me anyway. Too many more billions to interact with. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I am friends with several of my exes, but usually it took a period of NC to get there ... One of my very best friends in the world is an ex ... I have actually spent vacation time at her house with her and her husband, who is totally cool with our friendship and knows we are only friends--though close friends. But it took a break of time to get there. What helped us is that we were friends before we dated and we knew we weren't going to dating for long. We were in a one-year program that was going to come to an end ... so we dated like three or four months ... and then sorta casually saw each other for a year or so ... But the problem with being friends with an ex has to do with the assumption you make in the question. Part of the problem is that the dumpee PRETENDS to want to be friends ... but is really hoping often to get back into romance with the dumper. So that's a huge issue. I would say it's almost impossible for a dumpee (not impossible but rare) to quickly shift to being 100 percent OK with just being friends. I knew things were cool--as in good between me and this ex--when she came to visit me ... and I was completely clean ... totally satisfied with just hanging with her as a friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 (edited) The people I have knew who broke up with their girlfriend or boyfriend usually refused to be "just" friends with them after the break up, and they basically just stopped seeing and talking to them at all and they both basically went their separate ways after the break up. When I broke up with my girlfriend, we still somewhat remained friends, but we don't usually talk to each other that much anymore. But to me, still talking to someone just a little bit is still better than completely cutting them out your life. It's unnatural and insincere following a breakup and nothing will make that clearer than when your ex ends up meeting someone new. You sit there dumbfounded, the stitches of your broken heart reopened, as you watch them slowly distance from you because of it while keeping everyone else close to them. It's a slow burn with a rude awakening at the end. No partner wants exes lingering around which is what you happen to be, so your ex will oblige to their new partner's wishes because this is the person they want to be with now. When it comes down to it, by choosing to end it with you, your ex chooses to be with someone else and in choosing that, they choose to exit your life. Even if they keep you in you life, there will be a frustrating level of distance which will make you miserable. All dumpees around this period of time, are numbed out, still harbouring feelings and carrying hope that they can win their exes back and are extremely disappointed when they find out it's not happening. "Friendship" is a pretense used for self-serving ulterior motives on both sides. Only with a lot of time apart, can friendship be possible. Both parties need to disconnect, detach and relearn how to live life without eachother. They have to genuinely be able to smile again without that person. They have to not care if their ex is with someone new. They have to not feel any desire to want to be with them again. But by then, in those conditions, will both people be willing to reopen that old chapter and reconnect? These are the things that you'll have to endure and go through to maybe have a friendship in the future. - Beach Edited August 10, 2018 by Beachead 3 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 It hurts! Dumper or dumpee, I can't take it. Some people are fine with friendship but in most cases it is too upsetting. Link to post Share on other sites
Lessonsinlove Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Because if you stay friends it completely rips you apart when you start to see your relationship deteriorate. At first it'll be like you never split up, still running to each other for emotional support,talking all the time and generally still being a massive part of their life. Then one will move on quicker than the other and it'll hurt, or the one that "moved on" will feel guilty. They'll say things occasionally like "I miss you" or "I still love you" and it'll confuse the hell out of you . You absolutely do not want to see or hear about your ex having someone else. Even if you think you're completely over them it'll still hurt. If you both have reasonable boundaries then it may work, or you both fell out of love of each other. Otherwise I've been there, done that and got burned. Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I’m good friends with 3 of my exes. It hasn’t been a problem. I mean, there was a period of time, maybe a year, after break-up before we could truly be friends, but we still kept in contact. Now, I know I have 3 great guys I could call and they would help me if I needed it. And they could call me and I would be there for them. Nobody is “orbiting” or hoping something gets rekindled. We loved each other, and even though a romantic relationship didn’t work out, we still value our friendships. Relationships can change. It doesn’t mean they are going “backwards”. One of my very good male friends is married and he and his wife regularly go on vacations with her ex-husband. The only exes I’m not friends with are the ones who turned out to be... kind of awful people. Not who I thought they were. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 If you've dumped me, I don't want to be your friend. I mean, why when I wanted a romantic involvement with you and you don't? I don't want to be your buddy--I want to be your lover. To me, trying to stay friends with me is wanting to keep tabs on me and what I'm doing, not necessarily wanting to be my friend. I've got all the friends I desire, so there's no need to turned a failed romantic partner into a friend. I see no good reason to do that. Just let them go so they can get on with their lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 Usually couples stop being friends because one (or both) finds it painful to be around someone who they still have feelings for but aren't reciprocated. Or someone who has caused them a lot of grief having broken up with them. But if both parts of the couple definitely don't have feelings for each other, then it's definitely possible to remain friends - it's happened to myself and quite a few people I know. The fact that you were together means there were some areas in which you were compatible, and you still care about that person (though not in a romantic sense). Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 I found this to be a pretty good explanation: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 I have remained all friends with my previous partners, except one. I was the dumper in all the situations, except that one. For me, it was easy to transition into friendship, since that's how I already felt about those women. The exception was the only woman I have ever been in love with. Her leaving me broke me. We tried talking, but it only caused me more pain. Maybe knowing this, you can see that transitioning to friends with the women you dumped is generally the wrong thing to do. They probably just felt like you did when you got dumped and tried to be friends. If someone cares for you but you can't reciprocate, at the very least, show them empathy. Do what you can to look after their heart. What's the point of having a half-baked friendship with someone when the only likely outcome is someone feeling crappy about the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuperHeroMan Posted August 22, 2018 Author Share Posted August 22, 2018 I've broken up with many girlfriends in my life, and that seems to be the case. After I broken with my ex girlfriends, the love that I had for them when I was dating them completely fade away. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 Of course it fades. Like anything else, a good relationship requires nurturing. I wouldn't say that the love you had completely fade but it substantially fades. I'd be sad if somebody I dated died so I still have some feelings. Heck, when the EX I dated right before dating DH died I was devastated, not because I wanted him back but because he was a trouble but good guy who left a son. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 Over time, yes. I feel like I can only really love one man at a time. So, once I fall in love again, I lose all feelings of love for the previous partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 Yes, I would say it absolutely does. My exes are generally good men and I wish them well, but the spark and love and all that jazz faded long ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 There are some who talk about how first love can stay in our minds forever. I have no idea what they are talking about. While I bear no ill will towards them, I have little memory of love held in my past. Link to post Share on other sites
Young mind Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 FADE AWAY is a right word, but I don't believe it fades into oblivion, ofc if you're 60 years old, you can not expect to be in love with your high school gf. So the time does matter. The love they felt was for certain things, your behaviour, attitude, personality etc. those characteristics are yours, that is why someone else can love you again, that is why you might still love your favorite band from 20 years ago when you didn't listen to it all that time. Those things they loved about you surely still remain, but it fades because you are no longer in contact. This forum and other outlets have made us bitter and robotic, we force ourselves to believe once over whatever constituted our love for our ex-partner is erased, I think if you think deeply it is not really true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 (edited) love doesnt die....it just changes form.....and fits into a box somewhere in your mind......it still exists ....catatonic maybe...love cant die.....or we will die..some people can be friends with exes and have love for that ex....but never pursue any romantic relationship ...some people cant be friends...each for his own happiness and peace....... you don't have to be in a relationship to truly have love for someone...and if you have love for someone who doesnt return the love.... doesnt mean you are holding onto false hope of reconciliation...love is not controllable./...it exists and always will....deb Edited August 23, 2018 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
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