Is it over forever? ****UPDATED***

[Hurtingguy]

Hey everyone I know lots of people here have a lot of knowledge so I’m coming for some help and advice..

 

Here’s there story I’ll try and keep it short.

 

I’m 36 she’s 38 been together a year now and been living together for about 8 months.

 

We’ve gone through diffucult times and she has now ended the relationship . We are still living together, cause she told me she doesn’t want me to move out.

 

She told me she needs some space and she feels like she’s lost herself and doesn’t feel happy in the relationship anymore, and doesn’t know why she wants, I told her the other day that I think it’s better if I leave and her answer was that’s not trying to do whatever it takes for us to be together again, she know I’ll do anything for her as I always have in our relationship.

 

She’s having trouble getting last a few things,

1 she had 2 abortions cause we both more her felt like we are getting too old for kids as I have 2 11 and 12 and she has one that is 13.

I have had a vasectomy since to insure this doesn’t happen again .

 

2 there was some infidelity on my part in the first couple weeks of our relationship.

 

3. She doesn’t feel an emotional connection anymore cause I don’t have deep long convos with her anymore like we use to.

 

Since the breakup I’ve been sleeping on the couch and been giving her space, sometimes she’ll come and hug me and kiss and says she loves me and hope that she can find us together again, and then today she says her minds made up and the relationship is over,

 

Tonight we are going to talk again, and try and figure out what’s best to do here I don’t want to push her further away and all I eNt is for her to want to come back to me, I’m just not sure what to do anymore.

 

NC Is not an option as we live together and still have day to day stuff to talk about. I can’t Move our as of yet do to finding a place that’s affordable right now is very hard.

 

I know all relationships have ups and downs and no relationship is perfect but I really want this to work, I want to marry this woman and she had those feelings as well, so any advice would be greatly appreciated

[preraph]

You need to move out. This is just going to get harder and harder. Work late, get extra hours or whatever. You will just drag out this pain. Sorry this is so hard.

[Arieswoman]

hurtingguy,

I'm sorry but this just isn't working.

 

 

You need to move out for your own sanity/peace of mind.

 

 

I'm sorry

[ExpatInItaly]

There's a lot to unpack here, in terms of the bigger context of the relationship:

 

You moved in together at only 4 months, if I understand correctly. Why so soon? Do your kids also live with you?

 

When you cheated, were you already official with her? Was it a one-time occurrence or did it happen a few times?

 

She's had two abortions in a fairly short span of time, which can take a significant emotional and physical toll on a woman. Were you two not using any sort of contraception?

 

A lot of questions, I realize, but I am trying to get a sense of the dynamic in the relationship.

[Hurtingguy]

There's a lot to unpack here, in terms of the bigger context of the relationship:

 

You moved in together at only 4 months, if I understand correctly. Why so soon? Do your kids also live with you?

 

When you cheated, were you already official with her? Was it a one-time occurrence or did it happen a few times?

 

She's had two abortions in a fairly short span of time, which can take a significant emotional and physical toll on a woman. Were you two not using any sort of contraception?

 

A lot of questions, I realize, but I am trying to get a sense of the dynamic in the relationship.

 

Yes we moved in fairly quick my kids come spend weekends with us her daughter lives with us ft, and yes it was a one time thing before we were even officially a couple, not saying it makes it right but that’s the truth, no we weren’t using any protection which was dumb but it is what it is, and I know the abortions can be hard, it was hard on me too I wanted to have those babies but her mind changed.

[MountainGirl111]

She sounds confused and perhaps emotionally needy which is why you said what you said about missing long deep conversations. Women do tend to have greater emotional needs than men, but not always.

 

My concern is for you while she makes up her fricken mind. I don't know what all her issues are; maybe some trust issues. Maybe some grief issues...in the meantime...you've got to take care of yourself and YOUR needs and put those first ...I know how it feels when you love someone so much but cannot be together; it rips your heart into pieces. Some things that help me whenever I feel that way or am missing someone so much is to put myself into reaching out to others and help them heal somehow; it's very rewarding and even though it takes a lot of effort sometimes it's worth it and in turn it heals my own wounds; funny how that works. You wouldn't think it works that way as it's a bit counterintuitive.

 

I also dig deeper into music and writing. I've written some great from a broken lonely heart. The music is a medium that transports me onto a different plane. May sound very new agey and maybe it is but it's a working formula. If I can write a song that touches other peoples heart as well as process my own emotions I've done good. And then, relating to other musicians and songwriters...we're all in it together and we're head cases, in a way. My ex husband threatened to divorce me one time if music overtook my life, but what he didn't realize is it's one of my main coping tools. We eventually did divorce for other reasons.

[MountainGirl111]

Yes we moved in fairly quick my kids come spend weekends with us her daughter lives with us ft, and yes it was a one time thing before we were even officially a couple, not saying it makes it right but that’s the truth, no we weren’t using any protection which was dumb but it is what it is, and I know the abortions can be hard, it was hard on me too I wanted to have those babies but her mind changed.

 

I'm so sorry about your baby losses. That's a tough for couple to navigate, in fact many couples don't survive it. I think part of that is because men and women tend to process grief differently. Women tend to hang onto grief more. Men tend to grieve by being busy and distracting themselves. I'm not saying one method is any better than the other; it's just different. It saddens me when I find out about couples that split after losing a baby. It's very sad.

[Hurtingguy]

I'm so sorry about your baby losses. That's a tough for couple to navigate, in fact many couples don't survive it. I think part of that is because men and women tend to process grief differently. Women tend to hang onto grief more. Men tend to grieve by being busy and distracting themselves. I'm not saying one method is any better than the other; it's just different. It saddens me when I find out about couples that split after losing a baby. It's very sad.

 

Yes it very sad, and the worse thing is just 2 weeks ago she was telling me how much she loves me and wants to marry me, she thought she may have been pregnant again, cause the vasectomy takes time to work, and we both decided if she was this time we would have it we even started picking baby names and then a few days later she got her period had a preg test done and sure enough isn’t pregnant, and now just 2 weeks later she said she’s shut her feelings off and now it’s over forever and she won’t come back to me, that our personalities are different and she admits I’m the best man she’s ever been with and she knows she will miss everything about me but some relationships just aren’t meant to be .. I feel so broken and empty inside now I just want my baby back i want my lover back and my best friend back and I don’t know what to do to get her back

[MountainGirl111]

HurtingGuy:My impression is your love for her is very intense. I think it scares her, actually. She probably has equal intensity too. I don't know, cuz I don't know you two, but people can only handle so much intensity at a time...Maybe she's never had anyone love her like you do and it just plain scares the hell out of her. Do you think that might be the case?

 

 

*sigh*

 

I've discovered that sometimes life is like a series of being grounded alternated by flying. Soaring. Gliding like an eagle....and yet, we cannot soar all the time..we have to come down...and reality bites, it really bites. I think she's afraid, that's what it sounds like to me.

 

"I wish that life wasn't always ending up this way; with Heaven's love at stake and hell to pay."

 

She's probably hurting and as troubled as you are, I guessing.

 

Angel let me help you with your wings.

[MountainGirl111]

"When You Come Back Down"

 

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone

You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own

Before it slips away

When you're flyin' high, take my heart along

I'll be the harmony to every lonely song

That you learn to play

 

When you're soarin' through the air

I'll be your solid ground

Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there

When you come back down

When you come back down

 

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return

My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn

And I won't feel your fire

I'll be the other hand that always holds the line

Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine

I'm strung out on that wire

 

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call

Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high

I'll catch you when you fall

I'll catch you when you fall

 

[bridge:]

Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings

I know the sky is calling

Angel, let me help you with your wings

 

When you're soarin' through the air

I'll be your solid ground

Take every chance you dare

 

I'll still be there

When you come back down

Take every chance you dare,

I'll still be there

When you come back down

When you come back down

[Hurtingguy]

HurtingGuy:My impression is your love for her is very intense. I think it scares her, actually. She probably has equal intensity too. I don't know, cuz I don't know you two, but people can only handle so much intensity at a time...Maybe she's never had anyone love her like you do and it just plain scares the hell out of her. Do you think that might be the case?

 

 

*sigh*

 

I've discovered that sometimes life is like a series of being grounded alternated by flying. Soaring. Gliding like an eagle....and yet, we cannot soar all the time..we have to come down...and reality bites, it really bites. I think she's afraid, that's what it sounds like to me.

 

"I wish that life wasn't always ending up this way; with Heaven's love at stake and hell to pay."

 

She's probably hurting and as troubled as you are, I guessing.

 

Angel let me help you with your wings.

 

Yes my love for her is intense and hers is or was for me , I always had trouble being vulnerable with anyone and she kept telling me at the begging to be vulnerable and I was I let down all my gaurds and let go of all my fears of being hurt again, and so I fell deeply in love, the way I am with her is different then any relationship I’ve been in I deeply care about her, Ive found happiness outside of myself, I made sure she felt loved and cared for cause she cane from an abusive relationship she also struggles fron depression and I’ve ameays helped her through it, I’ve akwyas been here for her done everything for her but I guess nice guys always finish last

[MountainGirl111]

Here's a thought: If nice guys finish last does that mean they get the final word?

 

I disagree though. Nice guys don't finish last. Kindness matters. A few kind words fitly spoken at the right time are never ever forgotten and carry a long ways...over the years....over the miles...kind words SOAR....like an eagle. When eagles soar they don't flap their wings...they glide...have you NO IDEA how you have probably helped her GLIDE....?? You weren't just "being nice". You were being you. Authentic. Kind to her when she felt kindness was out of supply. These things; those moments are never ever forgotten, especially if she has the memory of an elephant. You never failed her. She has issues and she's scared.

[Hurtingguy]

Here's a thought: If nice guys finish last does that mean they get the final word?

 

I disagree though. Nice guys don't finish last. Kindness matters. A few kind words fitly spoken at the right time are never ever forgotten and carry a long ways...over the years....over the miles...kind words SOAR....like an eagle. When eagles soar they don't flap their wings...they glide...have you NO IDEA how you have probably helped her GLIDE....?? You weren't just "being nice". You were being you. Authentic. Kind to her when she felt kindness was out of supply. These things; those moments are never ever forgotten, especially if she has the memory of an elephant. You never failed her. She has issues and she's scared.

 

Yes I get that and understand that, I just don’t know how I can be so amazing for so eveythjnf for her I work ft I come home clean the house do laundry take care of her child cook dinner then make sure she was what she needs when she arrivies home from work, it makes me feel like I was never good enough I loved her in the only way I knew how too and it was all wrong, I just want another chance to prove to her that I’m the man she wants and needs in her life she felt it before so how can I make her feel that way again

[MountainGirl111]

Yes I get that and understand that, I just don’t know how I can be so amazing for so eveythjnf for her I work ft I come home clean the house do laundry take care of her child cook dinner then make sure she was what she needs when she arrivies home from work, it makes me feel like I was never good enough I loved her in the only way I knew how too and it was all wrong, I just want another chance to prove to her that I’m the man she wants and needs in her life she felt it before so how can I make her feel that way again

 

You WERE good enough!! Believe it. Maybe she felt she wasn't good enough for you and that she would disappoint you! Maybe that's the main reason she's scared...she knew you were amazing...she knows you're amazing...she got scared and tried to run away...to deny her true feelings...I truly believe [and I don't think it's just a fairy tale notion]....that true, deep, abiding love never really dies...and it never burns completely out no matter how much people may try to bury, avoid, deny, run away from it. I've seen this play out and I believe it; I really do. So, I think you need to wise up about this and stop thinking it's something YOU lack! Do you know how many working women would love to have a man that did all the things you did for her? Remember what I said: Kindness matters...especially in a world that is in short supply of kindness. In fact, it matters so much there is no monetary value that can be placed up in, IMO.

 

How can you get her to feel that way again? Sounds like to me she never really stopped! It also sounds like she is wounded and wounded creatures have a hard time. IN fact the more you share about her the more I think she has some serious wounds.

[MountainGirl111]

Yeah. You're dealing with a wounded creature. I'm very sorry. It's very hard. I don't how her wounds can be healed...but there is healing power, isn't there? I believe in that. Take a deep breath....there now...that feels a little better...it's going to b e okay.

[MountainGirl111]

I'm sending you some healing energy/thoughts/balm.

 

Now then: Given the sheer intensity of your relationship I suspect it might be one called "Twin Flames"/twin souls or a soul mate relationship. Twin soul relationships can be wonderful and propel each person to become a more complete individual and fulfill their destiny, etc. BUT-a twin soul relationship can have periods on intense tumult, fiery passions, even clashes. When you meet your twin soul it will rock your world and often happens at the worst time. So, it's like blessing/curse...but you know when it happens to you even though you cannot totally explain it. It changes you. It brings about transformation....and the transformative process can be rather painful at times, not to mention scary.You may fight it or she may fight it. Your twin soul may mirror back to you areas in your own soul that are to be reawakened and you may not like it!!...it's uncomfortable to say the least because the fact of the matter is we like our comfort zones.

 

When you look into your twin souls eyes it may be like looking into your own eyes or very close.

 

Typically there is the chaser/runner; the runner tending to run away because of fear. and feeling too unsettled. The chaser is likely more mature spiritually and more confident about it. Twin souls are sometimes each other's teachers, best friends, lovers, etc. Typically their unite to bring together service for a higher purpose/goal.

 

Sometimes it's so intense they need a break from one another...but typically will be drawn to one another again. They have much empathy for the other's moods...such as when one of them is angry/upset. They feel that.

 

I don't know if this describes your relationship at all, but the intensity issue made me think of it.

Edited August 19, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[Hurtingguy]

I'm sending you some healing energy/thoughts/balm.

 

Now then: Given the sheer intensity of your relationship I suspect it might be one called "Twin Flames"/twin souls or a soul mate relationship. Twin soul relationships can be wonderful and propel each person to become a more complete individual and fulfill their destiny, etc. BUT-a twin soul relationship can have periods on intense tumult, fiery passions, even clashes. When you meet your twin soul it will rock your world and often happens at the worst time. So, it's like blessing/curse...but you know when it happens to you even though you cannot totally explain it. It changes you. It brings about transformation....and the transformative process can be rather painful at times, not to mention scary.You may fight it or she may fight it. Your twin soul may mirror back to you areas in your own soul that are to be reawakened and you may not like it!!...it's uncomfortable to say the least because the fact of the matter is we like our comfort zones.

 

When you look into your twin souls eyes it may be like looking into your own eyes or very close.

 

Typically there is the chaser/runner; the runner tending to run away because of fear. and feeling too unsettled. The chaser is likely more mature spiritually and more confident about it. Twin souls are sometimes each other's teachers, best friends, lovers, etc. Typically their unite to bring together service for a higher purpose/goal.

 

Sometimes it's so intense they need a break from one another...but typically will be drawn to one another again. They have much empathy for the other's moods...such as when one of them is angry/upset. They feel that.

 

I don't know if this describes your relationship at all, but the intensity issue made me think of it.

 

Wow after reading that what u said is so true, she runs from fear and chase cause I know that we can get through everything together cause we always manage to do so.

 

But she seems firm on her decision so wether or not we reunite agai is hard to say but I hope someway somehow we do

[MountainGirl111]

MmmmHmmm. I hope you reunite too. I do. I don't want you to hurt, hurtinguy...that's no fun at all!

[Hurtingguy]

MmmmHmmm. I hope you reunite too. I do. I don't want you to hurt, hurtinguy...that's no fun at all!

 

No it’s nit fun at all a broken heart I think is worth then death itself, I just want us to get past this and move forward together I’ve been in tears for over 3 hours now hiding in the basement

[MountainGirl111]

It’ll be alright... just hang in there,

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, it sounds like there was a lot of impulsiveness and less-than-wise decision-making going on in this relationship.

 

I mention that because relationships that light up this quickly often burn out very quickly too. Moving in with children at 4 months is an awfully big step when you're still in the honeymoon phase, and a lot of upheaval for the kids involved.

 

Not being careful to avoid a second pregnancy also suggests you two really don't use rational and mindful judgment, and don't think ahead.

 

I am not trying to be hard on you, but I don't think this relationship was the most solid to begin with. These types of situations tend to fall apart because the foundation was so shaky. I am sorry for your pain, but I would move out and next time, slow way down. Get to really to know the other person before rushing into living together and meshing your lives.

 

Speaking from personal experience, this is definitely not worse than the death of a partner. You can get through this. You can feel well and whole again. But you need to stop leading with your emotions in the moment, and apply a more measured and rational approach. That will lead you to healthier relationships.

Edited August 19, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[MountainGirl111]

So, I don't know if I was on the right track in this being a twin soul relationship for you or not. But here is an illustration of how it can present itself:

 

Imagine two rivers that come together ..one from one direction...the other from another direction...the "CONFLUENCE" is where they meet, right? At this point their waters and currents begin to intermingle and typically the water at a confluence is turbulent. But at some point these waters mix and form one bigger river and flow together.>>>going in one direction>>>>

 

Now: In some cases peace is found at the confluence of joy and sorrow. So, sometimes the best things happen, at the worst time. Joy and sorrow interwoven. And really, so many things in life happen this way. Or...there is a period of GREAT joy after a period of GREAT pain....(childbirth, for example)

 

So many things are yin/yang in nature. Good/bad. Joy/sorrow. Yes/No. Beginning/ending. Tears of Joy. Turbulent/Calm. Light/Dark. Ascending/Descending. Life/Death,etc etc.

 

Figuring out how to navigate a twin soul relationship takes some insight as well as patience and figuring out how to ride the storm out. Maybe one twin is more explosive/fiery than the other twin. But they are like mirrors to one another and they see things that they need to work on in themselves It may be like, wow I'm really drawn to this person and into them, but I don't know if I can get past a certain area.

From what I can discern, you might be having a hard time coming to grips with the abortions and her not sharing with you openly and honestly. That's a huge communication issue and if it bothers you...that's not good. For example, if she wasn't open and honest with you about it, you may feel betrayed and wonder if you can trust her. And there is also this: "Wow, I've met the woman of my dreams, but dang, we can't have children together. And I would have loved her to be the mother of my children".

 

These are just some things to think about. I don't know if you think they pertain to you or not. But I do think most of us do want peace at the end of the day/week/month/year/time/.

[Hurtingguy]

So I went and saw my ex today we had dinner at the house together, we didn’t really talk about the relationship just hung out for a bit and talked, she said she hasn’t slept in 2 days and started crying, I asked her if I was ever gonna be able to come back home and she said she doesn’t know when, then I left she kissed me bye told me she loves me and wants me to FaceTime her tonight.

 

I’m really hoping that we can work things out and get back to our relationship sooner then later it’s really hard being away from the woman I love, she Gen has a pic of me right beside her on the bed so I’m hoping this looks good

[MountainGirl111]

Hopefully both you and she will start to feel better. Thx for the update. Let us know how it goes for you two!

[Hurtingguy]

My ex broke o with me just over a month ago we keep in touch and talk almost everyday via phone or text but no longer live together or see each other st the moment.

 

She told me if I get my life back together there will be hope for us in the near future, she wants me to get counselling for some issues like being codependent and wants me to work ft for a company and not work on my own anymore cause it’s been slow, she also wants me to learn how to have depression emotional conversations with her

 

I’m willing to do all this not just for her but for me but will I have a chance if I get this all done?