He said I intimidate him???

[ella5]

Hey everyone!

So this guy and I have known each other for a while. Started out as friends and developed into more, sometimes a little bit rocky and we'd fight about things. We've been discussing getting sexually involved with each other. I was actually considering doing it with him tomorrow because things had been smooth between us for a while and I figured I had made him wait long enough. He's mentioned how he wanted to be a friends with benefits with me. Honestly, I was okay with this at first but then I was asking him about his reason and it got me sort of mad (over text).

 

I asked him if he just doesn't want a girlfriend in general and he's like no I do. And I was like oh okay so it's just me got it. And he's like well you're not ready to be in a relationship. And I'm like how so?

 

His first reason is because he says I stopped dating a guy that was "probably a perfectly good guy". By the way, this "perfectly good guy" was bipolar and wouldn't take his meds.

 

The he says "you're not ready because you haven't had sex. You don't know what you want. You have to sleep with a bunch of people before you know". And I'm like I know what I want in a man and I know what I want sexually and I don't have to have slept with tons of guys to know that.

 

Then he says "well you're not ready because you get woo'ed by guys you like too easily. You need to play hard to get."

 

So I respond and I'm like sure I can play hard to get with you. I was like I haven't because I thought we were past that but sure, you want hard to get? Give me a reason why I should even continue talking to you and consider sleeping with you.

 

And he says no don't play hard to get with me and keep talking to me "because I like you". And I'm like well you make me feel like something is wrong with me and all your answers make no sense. And then he says no, you're perfect. Everything about you is perfect. And I was like well you have a funny way of showing that you think that.

 

The he says well honestly you're too good to be my girlfriend. At first I was thinking, nice line. But then he starts saying how I'm smarter than him, "sweeter" than him, and more successful than him. He says that I have a great career ahead of me and that I intimidate him a lot because of how much I've been able to do.

 

I stated how I admired his accomplishments and how he had helped me a lot with some of my classes and was surprised by how differently we viewed things like that. He then said "yeah even though i want to see you you don't have to come tomorrow i'd understand, i just don't want to waste your time... bye". So I was like "if that's how you feel alright" and he's like "alright what" and I was like "you said bye I'm not going to beg for you if that's how you feel" and he didn't say anything. I don't plan on ever talking to him again and I don't ever want to see him again.

 

I know a lot of guys use that line to nicely reject a girl, but I guess I'm mad because I think he did mean it. Like whenever I'd get a promotion or good grades or a new job offer he wouldn't be very excited or supportive. And he's said ever since I've known him that he's "nothing compared to me" and he's "not important", and wouldn't explain why. And whenever I compliment him he just puts himself down.

 

I think he is actually the one that is not ready to be in a relationship. You should be happy for your partner when they do well, not jealous of their success. I've gone back to this guy waaaay too many times and I am ashamed of that. It will take time but I know that this is not the type of person I want because I want to be able to share success with them, not compete with them.

 

I'm just really upset and sorry for the long message but it's fresh and I needed to vent.

[PegNosePete]

Here's what I see.

 

He told you straight up that he wanted to be FWB; that he doesn't want a relationship with you. You asked if he wanted a girlfriend and he said yes, but rather than take the hint that he simply didn't want to date you, you took it personally and kept asking why.

 

He's giving you a whole bunch of excuses why he doesn't want to be your girlfriend. And you keep arguing with those excuses, saying that he's wrong. And every excuse you break down, he comes up with another. Look you need to face the fact that he simply doesn't want to be your boyfriend. He wants to be FWB, that's all. No amount of logic and reason and rational argument will change his mind.

[d0nnivain]

I see a waste of time. He's all about the benefits. I am not one of those women who think every guy out there only wants one thing. I do think most guys won't turn it down though. This guy . . . well he's not BF material. He's too hung up on sex as the only defining factor; then he threw out a bunch of self deprecating lines disguised as false flattery thinking that would cause you to fall into bed with him. I'm not getting a good or honest vibe from this at all.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Here's what I see.

 

He told you straight up that he wanted to be FWB; that he doesn't want a relationship with you. You asked if he wanted a girlfriend and he said yes, but rather than take the hint that he simply didn't want to date you, you took it personally and kept asking why.

 

He's giving you a whole bunch of excuses why he doesn't want to be your girlfriend. And you keep arguing with those excuses, saying that he's wrong. And every excuse you break down, he comes up with another. Look you need to face the fact that he simply doesn't want to be your boyfriend. He wants to be FWB, that's all. No amount of logic and reason and rational argument will change his mind.

 

 

 

 

The above is the EXACT thing I saw reading the post.

[stillafool]

This guy is saying whatever comes to mind so he can get in your pants. He does not want a relationship with you, only sex. You said you were somewhat down for it. Are you going to have sex with him?

[ella5]

This guy is saying whatever comes to mind so he can get in your pants. He does not want a relationship with you, only sex. You said you were somewhat down for it. Are you going to have sex with him?

 

No, I blocked him.

[fromheart]

I do think most guys won't turn it down though. .

 

 

Most boys wouldn't. Many men would, as they have the ability to think ahead and measure up the consequences.

[ella5]

Yeah I've been really stupid to keep going back to him. I will never know for sure whether or not he meant what he said about my career (I have 3 jobs and go to a university while he goes to a community college and has 1 low paying job). He has said things in the past about "why are you wasting your time with these jobs" and remarks about how hes going to try to graduate before me from university.

 

However it has become clear that he has some real resentment towards me regardless. The other day he was talking about how when I'm "mean" to him he wants to choke me and smack me so hard he's afraid "I would call the cops on him". I can be bluntly honest and cuss when I get mad, but that happens when hes said very insulting things that I really don't think anyone would tolerate. As for how he says I intimidate him, he has told me in the past that I make him nervous and he gets sweaty around me (ew lmao). The first time I told him I was a virgin he also told me that since I'm "so pure", I make him feel "dirty".

 

I wasn't intending to go into all this detail but I need to get it out. I've been going back not really all because of him, but because I was hoping to fix things between him and I to how they used to be. I defended him to everyone I know, and now I painfully understand now that whoever I thought he was wasn't him in the first place and I ignored some big signs.

 

Thank you for all of your support and I am promising myself never to contact him again and never to reply if he ever sends anything. This has gotten out of hand.

[Lotsgoingon]

All those comments he made about you and how you need to change to date and find a bf--all are utter b.s.

 

He's just gaming you ... getting you on the defensive. You could have easily told him ten ways he isn't ready for a relationship ...

 

Smart move to stay away from him ... But go further, don't take all those "observations" seriously. Those were just part of his plan to have sex with you without committing to anything more. The reason he doesn't want more with you is supposedly that YOU'RE not ready. See the con game here.

 

Sorta like a boss saying he'll promote us if we come in on weekends and dust his office and not miss an inch ... and then mop and shine the floor ... and then do that perfectly for ten weeks ... I might consider your promotion.

 

Just a mind-game of a user.

 

Either people like us as we are right now ... or they don't.

 

Let him go ... and don't take seriously a word he says.

 

Seems like you did a great job of not letting him game you into sex. Now make sure his words don't affect you in any way--other than to know that you were right to turn him down.

[ella5]

Thank you, lotsgoingon. That post really helped me. I know, I am an overthinker and I have a bad habit of overanalyzing things. I am trying to tell myself exactly what you said, that no matter what he was thinking just pray to God and thank Him that it's over and leave it behind you.

 

He did make me feel like there was something wrong with me, but if I didnt let him make me feel like that, it would have never affected me.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ella5,

 

When someone makes you feel like there is something wrong with you, cut the relationship right then and there. No if's but's or and's.

 

We all have flaws. But in a good relationship, people celebrate our strengths and only gently poke fun at our flaws.

 

Just so you know: there's a famous marriage counselor out there named John Gottman, who has done a ton of research on happily married couples vs. unhappily married couples (and couples who break up). He has studied in depth through thousands of hours of in-person observation and video observations and discovered the following pattern.

 

Partners in the happy marriages gave each other 5 x the amount of praise as criticism. Five times more praise than criticism. Literally, four times wasn't enough. Three times wasn't enough. To sustain a relationship, the couples had to praise each other, he noticed, five times more than they criticize each other

 

At the start of a relationship, the balance of praise to criticism should be far higher--with really no criticism!!!!!

 

The right guy will among other things, make you feel like a million bucks. Now of course, a good relationship also includes serious stuff ... like you want someone with your level of education and interest and your values, etc ... but among the top qualities: being with this person, you "feel like a million!" to steal a phrase from my beloved mother.

 

Good luck! And btw: I didn't know any of this at your age. I dated a woman who was completely a bad fit for me, and I didn't know it or see it at the time. Now it's obvious, when I look back.

Edited July 21, 2018 by Lotsgoingon