I got dumped recently and I'm unsure who ruined the relationship.

[Kingofmistakes]

I'm 25, dated a 20 year old girl for 2 months. I'm going to list red flags, the good times, and the bad times. I could REALLY use people's advice. If you're over the age of 40 or don't understand social media, this one's probably not for you because either you're a lot more mature than my generation (which is true), or you just haven't been involved in the issues of social media with dating.

 

Met this girl online, ironically on a site that wasn't Tinder, as I was getting tired of Tinder. She was talking to another guy but he was always depressed, never wanted to hang with her and didn't define the relationship. We start talking and I send her this long message about how I'd treat her. She fell for it (I wasn't making it up, but her interest in me skyrocketed), was this red flag #1?

 

We hung out, and the day was amazing. Like, no rose tinted glasses view of it. It's something she held onto herself for a long time. We had better chemistry than I've ever had with anyone. Hell I have horrible anxiety and no meds have ever fixed that. Somehow, around her I never have anxiety. I felt like time froze and everything was right. We understood each other after just a few hours. It felt like talking to a mirror. Even my best friend of 20 years doesn't understand me, and I don't understand him, the way me and this girl got each other.

 

Red Flag #2?: First day, we had sex (she has a high sex drive and having sex on the first date doesn't bother me, maybe because my most successful relationships came from first date sex). Well, she's had sex with 22 guys. In 3 1/2 years. 21 guys in 2 1/2 years since she was in a relationship for almost a year when she was 16. She was also raped 2 years ago which I was shocked she mentioned the first time we hung and had no issue having sex. It was by some guy she liked but she didn't wanna have sex in the woods with him. Has NEVER had an issue having sex. Hell 75% of the time she initiated it. She doesn't seem to have any self respect.

 

Red Flag #3: We agreed to delete our dating apps. I permanently deleted mine. She only deleted them off her phone. Her excuse was "I'm too lazy". Me being terrified of screwing things up, I didn't push for the truth. I eventually found out she kept it because she was nervous if things didn't work out that she would have to start over. Because of our first date I had suspicions so I made a quick profile and checked 10 days later to see if she had been on the dating app since it says your last login. She wasn't, so I no longer questioned why she kept it.

 

Red Flag #4: Still the first date. She was scrolling through Snapchat (has like 750 Snapchat friends) and I asked who the one guy was. She said it was a guy she was going to date a year ago but he moved. I asked her about it just 5 days later. We had a big fight. How the hell do you forget someone you've remembered for a year, in just FIVE days with me? She said it's because I was her focus, she was stressed from finals, and she was really tired. Whatever. She still claims she doesn't remember. She has had 4 concussions so who knows if that plays a part.

 

Red Flag #5? I went to her house a week later. I saw my friend from HS on her Snapchat list. I asked her about him and she said it was a guy from Tinder awhile ago who wanted to hook up. He wasn't willing to drive to her. So I asked if she were single and he wanted to drive to her to hook up, would she? She said: "yeah why not? It's just sex". Seemed weird to me.

 

Red Flag #6: She never did what she said she would do. I don't know if it's because I started fights over all these red flags. I asked if after a month if she would put our relationship or at least pictures on Facebook. She said yes. She never did. She also never got me a birthday present or made me a fruit bowl for my birthday even though she said she would. Her excuse was she didn't have the money. I don't have a problem getting nothing on my birthday. But when she tells me she's getting me something and doesn't? Then I do.

 

Red Flag #7: I got suspicious again. Looked at her Snapchat score (it goes up every time you send and receive a picture). She said she was about to take a shower. She was in the bathroom for 45 minutes. Her Snapchat score went up by 100 points. How the hell do you send and receive 100 snaps in under an hour while you're naked?? Maybe she was just snapchatting her friend Veronica, I've seen her Snapchat her pictures constantly, of literally nothing. But I dunno. I brought this up to her, started a fight.

 

Red Flag #8: One morning we woke up and some guy on Snapchat said "let's bang". She had told him before that she was in a relationship. I told her to delete the dude because that's just disrespectful to her, me, our relationship, and that she shouldn't let people disrespect her. Anyways, she said "it's not an issue, it doesn't bother me I'm just ignoring it". She realized I was still pissed at breakfast. I told her it pissed me off that she wouldn't even tell the guy off. She said "I told you I was going to!" She absolutely did not.

 

Red Flag #9. She told me she was unhappy. Then a few days later asked me since I questioned if she found another guy, she asked "what would you do if there was another guy?" I told her I wouldn't be her friend. Well she told me this guy had added her on Facebook and she told him she had a boyfriend, but he didn't care. Well they talked and she got feelings for him and I asked who was better looking and she "him. By a lot". News to me, pretty sure she called me hot most of the relationship. But okay. That part irritated me.

 

Red Flag #10: This goes over the entire relationship, but she would say something, then a week later say something completely different and we'd fight because I told her what she actually said, and she somehow twisted it around. Perfect example is drinking. She says she doesn't get drunk much at all. Which I've come to see is true. She said she wasn't going to get drunk at college. Then a few weeks later I bring it up and she says "I never said I wouldn't get drunk at college..".

 

What's making this so difficult is how close I felt with her. How I've never had this type of connection with anyone before and I felt invincible with her. I wasn't in love with her, still aren't. I can say that confidently. But I realized how special she was. Hell when my muffler broke on my truck at her house she was willing to drive me an hour 20 home, then drive an hour 20 back to her home, even though I was perfectly capable of driving home. All I had said was driving my truck gave me a headache.

 

I took her to dinner, I paid for her each and every time. I paid for her when her card had no money (she doesn't actually spend much money). I always called her every night. I sent her nice good morning messages. We live an hour 20 minutes apart and saw each other twice a week for 3 days each week. Basically 20 full days out of the 60 we dated. I started fights each week though. She WARNED me that fighting would ruin things.

 

 

Now that I've typed this out, I'm really unsure. I started fights over all of these red flags. But was I overreacting? Or not reacting enough?

 

To the people that think it was my fault, can you tell me why?

 

To the people who think she's the problem, can you explain what's wrong with her, and how I should say goodbye? I have a ton of junk to get off my chest that I'd like to get out, I wanna stand up for myself.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

At first I was thinking this is both/nobody's fault, you two just aren't compatible. But then your questions tipped me to blaming you. Here's why--

 

Who cares who's fault it is? You guys don't work, move on.

 

That wasn't a rhetorical question, it has an answer. By the nature of posting this and asking for validation you obviously care who is to blame. That's not right. Nobody did horribly abusive things to the other in the relationship you described. You two just don't work, you shouldn't care who gets the finger pointed at them, jsut move on.

 

But because you did post seeking our judgement, I have you losing on that tie breaker. Add to that all the instances of jealousy and insecurity on your part in your post and you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now, much less a girl as carefree as her.

[Els]

If you think she "doesn't have any self respect" because she had sex with you on the first date, what does that make you? (Hint: it takes at least 2 people to have sex....)

[Blanco]

Try dating actual adults.

[Kingofmistakes]

At first I was thinking this is both/nobody's fault, you two just aren't compatible. But then your questions tipped me to blaming you. Here's why--

 

Who cares who's fault it is? You guys don't work, move on.

 

That wasn't a rhetorical question, it has an answer. By the nature of posting this and asking for validation you obviously care who is to blame. That's not right. Nobody did horribly abusive things to the other in the relationship you described. You two just don't work, you shouldn't care who gets the finger pointed at them, jsut move on.

 

But because you did post seeking our judgement, I have you losing on that tie breaker. Add to that all the instances of jealousy and insecurity on your part in your post and you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now, much less a girl as carefree as her.

 

I was suspicious of her based on her actions. In past relationships I haven't been. So I think I was in this one because she seemed...deceptive? Might be a good word for it. I just don't understand how it went so well, yet fighting ruins it? I had one other relationship where we fought a lot but that didn't really ruin it and she never got as upset as this girl has.

[Kingofmistakes]

If you think she "doesn't have any self respect" because she had sex with you on the first date, what does that make you? (Hint: it takes at least 2 people to have sex....)

 

I'm fine with not having sex on the first date, but she feels she has to otherwise the guy won't like her and leave. Which has happened a lot apparently.

[Lotsgoingon]

Actually for the first few months of a relationship, you don't want to try to change someone’s behavior. So therefore you don’t want fights. Instead for the first few months, you want to notice if there is a behavior you don’t like. You can bring it to the person’s attention … and/or ... just stop hanging with them. You and the other are not a good match.

 

The first phase, even after you start officially dating, is to figure out if this person is a good fit for you as they are right now. Once more: as they are right now. ... Her job is to figure out if you're a good fit for her. Nobody is wrong at this stage.

 

Just so you know: a red flag is anything that bothers YOU. Anything. A red flag for me might not be a red flag for you--and vice versa. But if I know I can't handle x behavior or x quality, I'll identify that quality as a red flag.

 

Compared to me at that age, this woman had slept with way more people. So that would have been my red flag ... simply because I would have had a hard time relating to someone so sexually experienced (and to be honest, I might have suspected that she was sleeping with a lot of people out of insecurity). I would want someone with about my same level of sexual experience. Again, that's me. I have to know myself and be honest about this.

 

So I would say advice for you is whenever you’re feeling the impulse to fight early on … stop! … That impulse is probably a signal to slow or end the relationship. The desire to fight indicates there is something deeply troubling to you about the person. That's YOUR red flag. Pause, stop there!

 

You had some bad luck here in that you really enjoyed your conversations with this woman ... You felt really understood and on the same wave length with her. That's fantastic. The real challenge of dating though is to take a hard, hard look and ask yourself is you can be happy with this person's full package, not just the side you enjoy talking to.

 

I don't sense this woman is ready to settle down and happily date one person right now. That's the vibe I get ... and in person, I'm sure that vibe would have screamed in my ears.

 

So no one was wrong ... you just misunderstood your role at the start of a relationship.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Actually for the first few months of a relationship, you don't want to try to change someone’s behavior. So therefore you don’t want fights. Instead for the first few months, you want to notice if there is a behavior you don’t like. You can bring it to the person’s attention … and/or ... just stop hanging with them. You and the other are not a good match.

 

The first phase, even after you start officially dating, is to figure out if this person is a good fit for you as they are right now. Once more: as they are right now. ... Her job is to figure out if you're a good fit for her. Nobody is wrong at this stage.

 

Just so you know: a red flag is anything that bothers YOU. Anything. A red flag for me might not be a red flag for you--and vice versa. But if I know I can't handle x behavior or x quality, I'll identify that quality as a red flag.

 

Compared to me at that age, this woman had slept with way more people. So that would have been my red flag ... simply because I would have had a hard time relating to someone so sexually experienced (and to be honest, I might have suspected that she was sleeping with a lot of people out of insecurity). I would want someone with about my same level of sexual experience. Again, that's me. I have to know myself and be honest about this.

 

So I would say advice for you is whenever you’re feeling the impulse to fight early on … stop! … That impulse is probably a signal to slow or end the relationship. The desire to fight indicates there is something deeply troubling to you about the person. That's YOUR red flag. Pause, stop there!

 

You had some bad luck here in that you really enjoyed your conversations with this woman ... You felt really understood and on the same wave length with her. That's fantastic. The real challenge of dating though is to take a hard, hard look and ask yourself is you can be happy with this person's full package, not just the side you enjoy talking to.

 

I don't sense this woman is ready to settle down and happily date one person right now. That's the vibe I get ... and in person, I'm sure that vibe would have screamed in my ears.

 

So no one was wrong ... you just misunderstood your role at the start of a relationship.

 

 

 

Yes, I agree with this. At two months? There is no one to blame for a breakup. YOu don't even KNOW each other.

[d0nnivain]

This wasn't a relationship. It was a fling.

 

During the very short time you knew her, who she is friends with on social media or how she knows them was none of your business. For you to grill her about her 750 followers was ridiculous. It's social media. It's meaningless. She does not have a personal relationship with most of these people. I get that when you realized that you had a mutual friend who she slept with (I wasn't clear on whether she had sex with him or that never happened but she had been willing) things got real & therefore awkward. You already knew she had a very casual attitude toward sex because hey she slept with you on the 1st date.

 

She does have poor boundaries -- keeping EX hook ups on her social media & allowing men to say things to her like "Let's bang" but the time you were together was when you learn that stuff & decide if you are compatible or not. You don't get to change the other person.

 

 

I suspect she has some deep seated issues about her rape. You are not the right person to address those.

 

Chalk all of this up to a learning experience. You had an encounter. It didn't work out. Move on.

[frigginlost]

Run.

 

You're not the only bee in her honey... and you never will be.

 

She's damaged.

[Adiron]

You see lots of red flags where they probably aren't any and make a fight over each and every one.

 

 

If you're THAT insecure figure out if it's due to your own issues or because you choose to be with a person you cannot trust and fix the problem.

 

 

My thought after reading your post is that you are a really insecure dude with anger issues and she's the type of person that would screw any guy who said the right things to her.

[Kingofmistakes]

Compared to me at that age, this woman had slept with way more people. So that would have been my red flag ... simply because I would have had a hard time relating to someone so sexually experienced (and to be honest, I might have suspected that she was sleeping with a lot of people out of insecurity). I would want someone with about my same level of sexual experience. Again, that's me. I have to know myself and be honest about this.

 

That's basically right on. She always told me she looks hideous without makeup, she's not good looking, and so on. She's extremely insecure and has admitted to on many occasions. I asked her what she's scared of, about us and she always said she was scared I'd find someone better looking than her. Even though in the end she admitted she found someone better looking than me and didn't know what to do. Neither did I. I had told her I'm no one's second choice and that I wouldn't be her friend if we broke up, but I worried so much about what I did wrong I forgot to actually end things right there when she said she was talking to some other guy. Too back track I wasn't sure if her insecurities through the first 2 months of the relationship were really a big deal though, because nowadays it seems like every girl I meet, or my buddies date are really insecure. Even my buddies gf who is a model is insecure. So I thought maybe this is normal, everybody has some insecurities don't they?

 

Are insecure people abusive, at all? Because one time I had a claustrophobic attack in her bathroom and she blocked me from getting out the door because she didn't want to wake her parents up by opening the door...it made no sense. Her parents always let me sleep over, they slept on the opposite side of the house, they knew I was over, and she was going to open the door in 2 minutes after brushing her teeth anyways. I would never hit her, so I didn't push past her to get out. I just sat there shaking while saying "it's not funny". Then when she was done brushing her teeth and we went into her room (which is literally 2 feet from the bathroom, you could touch your elbow to the bathroom door and your hand to her bedroom door), she was angry and cold to me because I got mad she wouldn't let me get out of the bathroom... I got a second claustrophobic attack when we went through the car wash and I couldn't speak at all because I couldn't breathe and she got mad at me for not speaking to her and wanted to go home.

[Kingofmistakes]

This wasn't a relationship. It was a fling.

 

During the very short time you knew her, who she is friends with on social media or how she knows them was none of your business. For you to grill her about her 750 followers was ridiculous. It's social media. It's meaningless. She does not have a personal relationship with most of these people. I get that when you realized that you had a mutual friend who she slept with (I wasn't clear on whether she had sex with him or that never happened but she had been willing) things got real & therefore awkward. You already knew she had a very casual attitude toward sex because hey she slept with you on the 1st date.

 

She does have poor boundaries -- keeping EX hook ups on her social media & allowing men to say things to her like "Let's bang" but the time you were together was when you learn that stuff & decide if you are compatible or not. You don't get to change the other person.

 

 

I suspect she has some deep seated issues about her rape. You are not the right person to address those.

 

Chalk all of this up to a learning experience. You had an encounter. It didn't work out. Move on.

 

I grilled her about the social media stuff because it was constant. She would send and receive pictures all day long. She would send pictures of me to people which I wasn't a big fan of because I don't need random people getting dozens of pictures of me with no shirt on or eating food or making a stupid face all day. I grilled her about the social media because we would watch shows on Netflix that she made me wait to watch with her, and yet she would be playing on her phone 75% of the time. So by the end of the show, I had to remind her half of what happened. If we were at dinner, she's playing on her phone. When I wake up, she's playing on her phone. I have to wait for her to finish reading snapchat stories or whatnot just for her to answer me. "What do you want for breakfast?" 30 second pause while she reads. Then I get an answer. I'm starting to realize I was always second to her phone.

 

As for the rape thing, I never asked about it, never brought it up. She brought it up to me and eventually explained what happened to me on her own. I didn't know how to respond and maybe that hurt her. She was with a guy she wanted to have sex with, but she didn't wanna have sex in the woods... yet he didn't force himself on her he just kept saying let's have sex. I believe her about what she told me, I just didn't know how to respond. How do you respond when someone opens up like that to you? I felt horrible for her but didn't know how to tell her "it'll be okay". Truth is it won't be okay right? People who have been abused like that are changed forever are they not?

Her mom wanted her to go to the police, but she didn't want to.

Edited July 18, 2018 by Kingofmistakes
Misspellings.

[basil67]

With this long list of all the things you felt were wrong with her, what I can't fathom is why you felt close to her. Rather, it sounds like you didn't respect her at all. She was right to end things with you. A relationship with so many fights isn't sustainable. In future, if you see so many things which worry you about a partner, don't start fights or be nitpicky - just leave.

 

Does your tendency to start fights have any impact on the rest of your life? Just something to consider.

[basil67]

People who have been abused like that are changed forever are they not?

Her mom wanted her to go to the police, but she didn't want to.

 

Everything that happens to us changes who we are a little, so in this aspect you're correct. I'm not sure where you're going with this statement about her reaction to the rape though. Perhaps she was able to compartmentalise what happened to her and not have it affect the rest of her life. If so, good on her.

 

Something like 8 in 10 rapes are not reported, so your girlfriend is far from unusual. Women don't report rapes because of the way they are torn apart on the witness stand. It's like a second raping but this time of your personality and history. If I was raped and didn't have witnesses or obvious injuries, I wouldn't report it either. One trauma is enough.