So much regret and trying to move on

[Despr8]

So this is my confession of a long 7 year relationship which had its up and downs. Been to the point were I've watched every YouTube vid, read every forum and all possible scenarios. I figured if I write it out and get some feedback I can hopefully move forward. I'm not the perfect man, but I try to learn always from my mistakes. I'll make it as short as possible and thank you everyone for taking your time.

 

 

I met a girl 7 years ago in NY and she was a huge hippie girl, traveling the world and not really settled anywhere in life. We hooked up at a bar and never thought I would've fallen in love with her. The little voice that usually I never listen too said I wanna marry this girl. She was smart, funny, hard working and came from a good family. One day she tells me her sublet is over and shes been offered a job on a cruise ship for 7 months and shes off to her next journey. I didn't want her to leave. I offered her a room in my place that was rent stabilized and told her she can stay as long as she wants rent free while she figures things out. Life was good, she lived with me 2+ years while working odd jobs and saving. She was reading a book at the time "Atlas Shrug" and things changed slowly. The book really changed her a lot and now she was obsessed with money and status and financial freedom.

 

 

 

She even motivated me to finish college, but she wanted to move out to a more better neighborhood. One day she tells me that shes moving and she wants me to come with her. I see the apt and its a tiny 1 bedroom with no real room for me. I told her No! that I'm paying a steal here for a big 3 br apt in the hood and don't wanna give it up. We tried living apart but things got nasty between us and one day I just walked out and didn't come back. Seven months later I get a text from her and how much she missed me and in reality I had missed her so much even though I was dating at this point. We met for dinner and we just jumped in each others arms. We kissed non stop and just left on vacation together soon after just to be alone. I knew I wanted her back and left a great girl I was seeing to be with her. (That girl met someone else and was pregnant soon after) which I regret. But I decided to get back with my ex and leave my comforts behind. We found a nice size apt in a great neighborhood which was ridiculously expensive but I didn't care. We moved in together again and I spent most off my saving in furnishing the place. I wanted our home to be nice for each other and she was very frugal.

 

 

 

There was resentment that I spent more money when I really wasn't making enough. She kept fighting me over money, for me to get another job and start saving. But I just didn't want too. I made just enough to live and was OK with that. I ended up cheating which she never found out about. But realized It was because I didn't feel good enough about myself and I wasn't man enough to confront her about it. I regretted it and stopped and tried my best to stop fighting. I proposed to her on NYE and with the very last of my savings got her a ring. A few months later after showing me La La Land she dumps me and said the Universe! said our time is up. I didn't get it but I was OK with it. I don't know why. I helped her move out again to her own place. I was left alone and struggling to pay the bills so I worked a lot of overtime. When the lease was up I put the whole apt in a storage unit and left. I stayed with a friend till I found something. I remember sleeping on the couch and that's when everything hit me.

 

 

 

I was so depressed and couldn't take my life anymore, I really went into a dark place. Eventually I did dig myself out and got in shape again and started a small business just to take a chance. We spoke a few times but it just wasn't the same because I was just so hurt and I just wished she was with me. While I was busting my ass trying to get better she was having fun, going to burning man and was dating some new guy. I didn't feel too good but kept moving forward. I wished I was by her side but she tossed me months ago. I've been dating but nothing feels the same anymore. I've shut myself off and just cant find that connection I had anymore. It's kinda scary because every girl I meet now I know fast if I want to be with them or not. (finally listening to the little voice)

 

 

She text me soon after and asked me how I'm doing and I say great! and even tell her about my business. She came to check it out and really thought if I changed literally everything about myself I could impress her. She was, but not enough to want me back I guess. I kissed her one day and she told me that we'll never get back and to please stop so I did. I walked out again. 3 weeks later she text me about getting some service from my business and I told her to please not to contact me anymore. It hurts to see her and I said I have no ill will towards you and love and cherish our memories. She said I understand and goodbye. (no regret)

 

 

 

My sister told me she turned into a narcissist which I didn't see but maybe she was right because there was no empathy or regrets. Obsessing over money and status in life and looking for self awareness. My sister said even Burning man is a Narcissist paradise filled with hippie self love BS. I remember asking my ex what does she want? She said to be with someone just like herself. I asked her why? that's weird why not someone who compliments you? She's looking for someone driven just like her I guess and I was never enough. I miss her so much and just wished she would regret tossing me but that doesn't looks like its happening. I would totally try to work things out if there was remorse but there's none. Maybe one day she'll regret it but odds are it'll probably be too late. Life is sure ironic that way.

 

 

 

I've gotten obsessive and depressed and even found out I have skin cancer. Stopped working my small business and hookup with random women at times. I gotta stop my bull**** and get it together again. I just fall apart and tend to live in a dream I guess. After I told her not to contact me anymore I did feel like I had the 1up but also sad because I'll never see her again.

 

 

So much more to all this but thats just some key stuff. THANK you everyone.

[Lotsgoingon]

Thanks for sharing.

 

Make sure to get on top of your mental health. One woman ... one man ... one tree ... never ... never enough to justify giving up on life.

 

When we feel this way, it's just a sign of a deeper imbalance.

 

The woman I had the hardest time getting over ... I mean ... took multiple years to get peace after she dumped me ... is now a woman I celebrate ... because I can now easily see ... obviously see ... we were not a good fit ... and I would have been miserable had we continued.

 

I literally feel grateful that she broke up with me ... because things were going nowhere. I just couldn't see that or feel that at the time. And I would have continued with the misery!

 

You too will likely see in time that this person had some hooks in you ... but clearly you guys were not a good fit for bringing out the best in each other.

Edited July 10, 2018 by Lotsgoingon