fieldoflavender Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 This is what I'm struggling to understand. Love should be fun - it should be chill and it shouldn't be with so much baggage. But at the same time, there's going to be little things to iron out. For me obviously someone doesn't have to be perfect. But if they do things that bug me, I'm not expecting them to change completely at my beck and call but I think it's more about the intent to do something that would make me happier and it means a lot to me when I bring something up and the person you're with feels that it matters. Usually when there is conflict in a relationship, you stay to work it out because there is still good things. Anyways I just had a break up. There were some incompatibility things but I did feel a connection. I don't know if that was influenced by sex. But anyways, at the end, I feel that he just didn't want to try anymore and just called it incompatibility.We both had a lot of baggage from bad breakups before and I think it's an impulse when you see behaviours you ran away from - you just want to run again. But I guess actions speak louder than words right. If they want to run away without trying to work out things, then I guess there is my answer and I should also listen to them and what they're saying about what I mean to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 If you have to fight for it there's really nothing there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 There were some incompatibility things but I did feel a connection. I don't know if that was influenced by sex. You're wanting a guy to work to save a relationship which can best be described with lacklustre terms. Doesn't sound like anything worth saving to me. And yes, it's entirely sensible to run away when you see bad behaviour repeating itself. It shows that one has learned to recognise red flags and get the heck away. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 I realize every couple has some issues but it should never be this hard. If it is a constant struggle then best to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 This is what I'm struggling to understand. Love should be fun - it should be chill and it shouldn't be with so much baggage. But at the same time, there's going to be little things to iron out. For me obviously someone doesn't have to be perfect. But if they do things that bug me, I'm not expecting them to change completely at my beck and call but I think it's more about the intent to do something that would make me happier and it means a lot to me when I bring something up and the person you're with feels that it matters. Usually when there is conflict in a relationship, you stay to work it out because there is still good things. Anyways I just had a break up. There were some incompatibility things but I did feel a connection. I don't know if that was influenced by sex. But anyways, at the end, I feel that he just didn't want to try anymore and just called it incompatibility.We both had a lot of baggage from bad breakups before and I think it's an impulse when you see behaviours you ran away from - you just want to run again. But I guess actions speak louder than words right. If they want to run away without trying to work out things, then I guess there is my answer and I should also listen to them and what they're saying about what I mean to them. I'm sorry to hear that FieldofLavender. I was hoping things would work out for you. How was it leading up to the end and how did it end? Who ended it? You can shoot me PM if you don't want get specific about it publicly. - Beach Link to post Share on other sites
Author fieldoflavender Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 Yes I know I should never be that stupid little girl who believes when people tell them "You're the most amazing girl I've met, I've never felt that way, this is the happiest I've been". Yes I've learned from the past not to take it at face value - but it still stings/hurts when someone has said THOSE things to you - then some small conflict, they run away. Red flags is subjective. No one can eat your cake and have it too. You can't have this supposedly "amazing person" and at the same time, not want to change anything about your current lifestyle. Life doesn't work like that. And sure you can run away - but then you just run over to a pushover or to be alone. Totally fine if you just run away from "red flags" or things that scare you or you run away at risking your heart, but then you simply live with the consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Despr8 Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 To me love is worth fighting for when 2 people really have grown apart and 1 realizes the errors and tries hard to make things right. Empathy, regret and understanding and starting a new and not focusing on the past. I think if you put those things together its worth a fighting chance. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 Absent abuse, violence, infidelity and/or abandonment, pretty much every mutually loving partnership can be recovered. Mutual love, healthy love, is key. I was just going over this with a MW this past weekend. She was talking separation and I was firmly in the 'no' camp even if I might otherwise find her attractive or desire her. I was still looking at it from the relationship/marriage standpoint. I shared with her our MC's advice that spouses separate to get divorced and our, yup, experience with that. I told her to focus on the mutual love aspect and look to work through things and don't expect absolutes. It's a real tough balance when a woman starts to lose respect and fall out of love with their partner or spouse. It appears, at least IME, a bit different than for a man. Perhaps in dating situations love, whatever love is while dating, isn't worth fighting for, IDK. I tended not to flagellate myself at the altar of a dating situation. Marriage, sure. Gave that a hard try when things got tough. I guess it boils down to how people view other humans as investments to retain or discard. Everyone is different. I tend to take people either way now. No preference. Billions around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
N2017 Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 Sometimes it's not always so personal though. When it's a problem or fear they have that gets in the way, you could be perfect and they still will run. Like its not always about you. I think it's worth "fighting in the sense of working things out and trying to be the best partner you can when there are things in your control. Like for example, long distance relationships are hard but you can get through the obstacle by skyping, texting, and spending holidays together. Things like a person's reluctance to commit or inability to please you sexually are things that can't be resolved. So in those cases it is not worth working it out. Or if the person decides to walk away. In that case you have no control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fieldoflavender Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 In our case I think it became - he wanted to walk away because he wanted to be alone, and I felt he shouldn't walk out on me I was feeling vulnerable. And neither of us were willing to budge. I don't even know if we are fully broken up - I would say so it's almost been a week of not talking. So in the end, perhaps we both didn't want to "fight for it", but in my mind, he's the "walker out" so he should be the one who wants to save it. I wasn't the one who walked out. Link to post Share on other sites
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