How to become a better person after a breakup. [Kinda long read]

[MikeJaz]

Basically I wasted 9 months of this girls precious time.

 

Met this girl on Tinder 9 months ago. Hit it off pretty well, she was a bit chubbier that her pictures portrayed but she looked cute and was actively

exercising. After a couple dates we finally had sex and found out she wasn't lying about being a virgin. A few more weeks go by and she is already asking me "What are we?" I felt like I was leading her on so we had a talk. Basically saying I don't see this as a serious relationship at the moment. She agreed, asked me if they meant seeing other people. I said yes and she started to cry. Later found out she confided in her friends which told her to stop seeing me. She didn't. At this point she has already met my family.

 

Two more months come along and I finally ask her to be my girlfriend. We go upstate for a day trip and have a good time. We started video skyping and I feel ultimately caused a lot of issues. She eventually went home for Christmas break. Within a week we had a "fight" aka long discussion about

how she felt I wasn't giving her enough attention/affection. A few weeks later I drove upstate to spend the day with her. We had a great time. By the end of the week we were already having another lengthy discussion about the same thing. At this point it was getting annoying.She eventually came back to school and everything resumed like normal again. She started exercising hard like she had used to do. However once her friends stopped going she did as well even though I tried to motivate her. I don't think we had any real issues for about two months. At most it was I would say/do something and then she would give me the silent treatment for an hour or so. We had a great Valentines Day. It wasn't until once again she had went back home for Spring Break where we once again had yet a lengthy convo about emotion/affection. I continued to tell her I am not that expressive about that kind of stuff. We almost broke up that day.

 

At this point we have been seeing each other for a total 8 months. During the middle of the 8th month was when I felt my attraction slipping. We had once again had another talk about the same thing and almost broke up for a second time. She ended up telling me a lot of personal things about her self and crying her eyes out. Also the quality of sex was on the decline as well. One day we went out, got dinner and were having a fun time. Went back to her place, watched a movie and then I attempted to go to bed. Up until this point, we had had sex every night and morning we spent the night at each others place. This night I didn't escalate and she started crying and going on how she felt I didn't like her anymore. Finally got her to stop crying, cuddled and went to bed. Woke up the next morning and we had sex. A few days later I came over again, didn't have sex that night, she cried, we went to bed. However the following morning we had the best "emotional" sex we had ever had.

 

Unfortunately after that, it was when attraction really started declining plus I had a lot of other personal things happening in my life at this time too. After that "emotional" sex we probably only had sex maybe 4-5 times (over 2 months) after that. At the beginning of month 9, I moved from my families house, which she helped a lot in. Then later she moved out of her place to go back home for the summer which I helped out and met her parents. A few days later she came back down to visit me for the day but I didn't even initiate sex. She really wanted me to come up and visit her. But due to just moving, I didn't really have the extra money for gas to go see her + spend money on activities and food. A few weeks later I had finally set a date where I was coming up to visit her. However the a day before she told me her friend is coming down there and would bring her down as well. So I told her I can either come up there or she come down here. She came down to me since it was cheaper for me even though she really wanted me to go to a park near her home.

 

I picked her up late at night after work, we got dinner, went to my place, I showered and then went to bed. We woke up, had boring sex, took showers, went to a park, came home, found a random movie to watch to make the day go by faster (as sad as that sounds) and then spent the last 1.5 hour walking around trying to find the right convenient store. Her friend then came to pick her up, we hugged, kissed and said goodbye. Even though I had a fun time with her, I just didn't feel like spending the whole day with her like I used to. Also Little did I know that would be the last time I would see her in person. After that even though she offered to pay for gas for me to come up I never did.

 

The last 1.5 months of the relationship was constant long talks "fights". We almost broke up 3 times (and we should have) with me even suggesting an

open relationship and everything. Our last over-a-few-days talk was kinda rough. She asked to talk but I was too tired that night and wanted to the

next day. We talked for a while and then I wanted extra day to really think about what I wanted. We almost broke up then and there but she gave me

half a day to think which I agreed to. We talked after I got home from work late at night. The entire conversation steered towards us breaking up then

at the last 3 minutes it did a 360 and agreed to try and fix it. Honestly she should have just broken up with me at this point. I knew she deep down

REALLY didn't want to break up with me. I know she liked me a lot and probably even loved me. A lot more than I liked her and she knew it. She was grasping thin air to keep this relationship going. Sent me "How to fix LDR" websites and everything.

 

Our last talk was a few nights ago. I would say it was our first 100% honest talk. I told her how I started feeling less attracted to her. Honestly I should not have said that but said "I felt the spark was fading" instead. We probably would have been still seeing each other right now. She said, "Because I'm fat

right...." I said it wasn't only that but a part of it. She was crying the whole time we were video chatting. At the end of the day and we knew from even

before we became exclusive that we didn't have much in common. All of our dates were either going out to eat, going to a park or cooking at each others place. We never had a real conversation. She agreed and wondered how we even kept the relationship going this long. She told me she was willing to try and fix this relationship 100% but after I mentioned that my attraction to her had fallen she said there would be no point. She believed even if she got into shape and lost weight that if her losing weight would be the only thing keeping me, it wouldn't be worth it. I tried to offer the lets be friends but of course she wouldn't easily accept that. She went on to say how she wasted 7 months and told me if we break up she would be blocking me from every way of contacting her and that whenever she is ready, she would reach out to me. We eventually ran out of things to say and we said our goodbyes. She promptly blocked me from all of our connected social medias.

 

 

I honestly do miss her and I am upset at myself for letting this happen. It is rough going from being able to message her and get quick replies to now nothing. I had to mute my snapchat notifications because every time I heard it go off I thought it was her. I'm 25 she is 20.

 

How to I become a better person and not let this happen again?

[guest569]

Hi Tom

 

For starters, I notice you seemed disappointed with her appearance from the beginning. You said she appeared chubbier but was exercising, which seems to me that although you found her “cute”, you were hoping she would lose weight. This is not a good way to start a relationship. You need to be attracted to what you see in front of you, rather than what you hope or anticipate they may look like. It puts a tonne of pressure on the poor girl. I think it was disgusting that you told her after the breakup that you lost attraction because she was fat. She was chubby at the start and you accepted it. Some will disagree with me, but when you break someone’s heart, you don’t have to be brutally honest about the how and why. Not only did you hurt her more but you have blamed her for the breakup. Hopefully she doesn’t now associate her weight with make or break in future relationships.

 

You settled for something you were never happy with from the first date. And then dragged it out on and on through several toxic arguments. Why?

[guest569]

I also think it was a jerk move to have sex with a virgin while you’re seein other people behind her back, and that you automatically believed she was lying about being a virgin. Why would she be lying about it? In future, maybe be more open about your intentions before jumping into bed. I do not think a few weeks to have “the talk” is unreasonable of her.

[MikeJaz]

Hi Tom

 

For starters, I notice you seemed disappointed with her appearance from the beginning. You said she appeared chubbier but was exercising, which seems to me that although you found her “cute”, you were hoping she would lose weight. This is not a good way to start a relationship. You need to be attracted to what you see in front of you, rather than what you hope or anticipate they may look like. It puts a tonne of pressure on the poor girl. I think it was disgusting that you told her after the breakup that you lost attraction because she was fat. She was chubby at the start and you accepted it. Some will disagree with me, but when you break someone’s heart, you don’t have to be brutally honest about the how and why. Not only did you hurt her more but you have blamed her for the breakup. Hopefully she doesn’t now associate her weight with make or break in future relationships.

 

You settled for something you were never happy with from the first date. And then dragged it out on and on through several toxic arguments. Why?

 

I did not tell her it was her fault for being fat after the breakup. She asked me to be 100% honest and that we needed to be able to communicate fully. So I told her I was starting to lose attraction towards her. She responded with "Because I am fat...?" I did say yeah but that wasn't the only thing. She obviously knew that she had weight issues and she said she noticed me not having sex with her. But she really didn't do anything to better herself to make me want to continue to have sex with her.

 

I don't feel like I blamed her for the breakup. There are things she could have done and things I could have done. We didn't do those things and this is how it ended. We didn't communicate clearly with each other. I workout and when she worked out I tried my best to motivate her and keep doing it. However she would stop whenever her friends did while also not going with me.

 

I appreciate your input and will try to be more up front in the future.

 

I also think it was a jerk move to have sex with a virgin while you’re seein other people behind her back, and that you automatically believed she was lying about being a virgin. Why would she be lying about it? In future, maybe be more open about your intentions before jumping into bed. I do not think a few weeks to have “the talk” is unreasonable of her.

 

Well I just assumed she was like most college girls and the fact she gave me a BJ on our second date. And at the time we weren't exclusive so there is no reason not to see other women at that time.