Breaking up for the second time

[Demonfuzz]

Hi guys,

 

I've lurked before but this is my first post. Your advice is great

 

Me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday for the second time. We dated for almost a year, we started great and he was very passionate about me, telling me I was the perfect girl for him.

 

On the first breakup, he wanted me back from almost the start but I made him think about it and do some soul search. He has.. problems attaching so people in a romantic way, and I just... don't give second chances (I guess I had to start someday). We started dating again and it was great, we lasted 5 more months and went on a great vacation together. We had a talk because an ex girlfriend of his started stalking me on my social media after this and started to write him, so I blocked her and had a talk with him (I'm sure he doesn't want anything from her as she's in another continent and they were together for a very short time, but I needed to talk to him about it).

 

Now he told me again he had issues and he felt he couldn't love me as I deserved and that he couldn't be as tender as I was with him (he has issues about a very hard breakup from a couple of years ago, when a girl he loved cheated on him and left and he was far away from home and started his life from scratch. And is finally ready to takle it but he said he needed to be alone to do so, although he still feels like he cannot be with anyone ever. This is something that has happened with more girls, although he told me that I treated the first breakup really well by giving him space to make his own decisions and that we are very, very alike and 'get each other').

 

That he didn't believe in love or being with somebody all his life. So even if he was not planning on breaking up with me that day, he felt he was going to hurt me if more time passed so I told him we should break up (I always think that I should believe what people say they will do to me - he was telling me that it wasn't like that, that he has a problem, but I just... I know when to back away). I cried a bit but told him I understood and wished him well, and that I deserved somebody 100% on board with me. He told me he was really sorry for not being the man I needed him to be and thanked me. I didn't respond.

 

So now I don't know what to feel. I, of course, have started no contact. I just want to be with somebody that truly loves me. I've unfollowed him from FB and IG (as his accounts are private, I cannot see anything, which helps me not to see what he's up to and gives me peace of mind) but he's still following me on IG (I might block him). He's also still following all my friends. I know he used to snoop them on our first breakup. I told him throw out the stuff I had left at his apartment.

 

So this is the second time we break up, and I'm very sure I don't want to be on an on-off cycle with anyone (and I've told him that it was unaceptable for me and I was not going to stay in that type of relationship, he told me he totally understood and he didn't want that either). This has never happened to me, as when I've broke up with somebody I never turn back. But this guyÂ… makes me feel different. I really wanted to work it out with him. I have a really soft spot for him, but I know what I need out in a relationship. Both my parents died a couple of years ago in a short time span and I've worked really hard on myself to be able to trust life again.

 

He kept telling me it was a really sad situation. I really think he tried his best to work it out but he has a lot of things to work on his own. He is changing careers as he is miserable with his current work, and I'm happy he maybe is starting to change things in his life that are stopping him from reaching true happiness. It just breaks my heart he has decided he doesn't want to work everything out while he's with me. I know he cares a lot about me, but it's not enough. He cannot run away everytime he feels bad about something.

 

I just want to move on but in the bottom on my heart I still wish this was just a rushed decision on his part, and that he might want to work through his problems with me. But I know it's really hard. And I have a tingling feeling that he will try to come back again.

 

Sorry, I needed to vent. Thank you so much in advance for all your help

[Zahara]

I just want to move on but in the bottom on my heart I still wish this was just a rushed decision on his part, and that he might want to work through his problems with me. But I know it's really hard. And I have a tingling feeling that he will try to come back again.

 

He can't work on his problems with you when intimacy and closeness brings out the worst in him. He sounds like he has an avoidant personality. These types want to get close but at the same time fear/resist it. They can't attach emotionally on a mature and healthy level. Often it just ends up being a cycle of push and pull until all is exhausted and then they just move on to the next person.

 

Yes, he will be back. But you should stay away from him because he will only hurt you again. If he does want to find help, then he should do it on his own.

[Demonfuzz]

He can't work on his problems with you when intimacy and closeness brings out the worst in him. He sounds like he has an avoidant personality. These types want to get close but at the same time fear/resist it. They can't attach emotionally on a mature and healthy level. Often it just ends up being a cycle of push and pull until all is exhausted and then they just move on to the next person.

 

Yes, he will be back. But you should stay away from him because he will only hurt you again. If he does want to find help, then he should do it on his own.

 

Thank you so much for your message Yes, I actually told him that I read a lot about avoidants and told him he had that attachment problem. I was trying to help him but I guess that's not what he needs (most avoidants don't recognize they are, but he knows what type of problem he has). He seemed very interested and I gave him a therapist name who is an expert on the topic.

 

I 'get' him, as he said, because I was very avoidant before too (both my parents had cancer, and I had really rough years when I tried to connect with partners but I just couldn't). It has taken me a lot of work on myself to become secure (and yes, I had to be alone).

 

It's very sad, I do hope he gets better. He's a very good guy in general. I think the real problem is that he hada very difficult situation at home, and he told me that's why he had a lot of trouble believing in love (and in himself, that's why he is starting now to belive that he can get a good, creative type of job, and I was very proud for that). But I guess that if he ever does get help, I'll be out of his life by that time. I'll do my best to not go back.

[Zahara]

Thank you so much for your message Yes, I actually told him that I read a lot about avoidants and told him he had that attachment problem. I was trying to help him but I guess that's not what he needs (most avoidants don't recognize they are, but he knows what type of problem he has). He seemed very interested and I gave him a therapist name who is an expert on the topic.

 

I 'get' him, as he said, because I was very avoidant before too (both my parents had cancer, and I had really rough years when I tried to connect with partners but I just couldn't). It has taken me a lot of work on myself to become secure (and yes, I had to be alone).

 

It's very sad, I do hope he gets better. He's a very good guy in general. I think the real problem is that he hada very difficult situation at home, and he told me that's why he had a lot of trouble believing in love (and in himself, that's why he is starting now to belive that he can get a good, creative type of job, and I was very proud for that). But I guess that if he ever does get help, I'll be out of his life by that time. I'll do my best to not go back.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. At least you understand and embrace the situation that you're in and realize that there's likely no positive outcome so the best would be to let go.

 

Sometimes it's easier to just stay in that sort of dysfunction so change is usually unlikely but you're right, by the time he gets to where he should be, you will possibly be in a different mindset and outlook.

 

Keep staying NC and try to remove him on IG. You should self-preserve and prioritize your healing.