Heartbroken & Lifeless

[berg101]

Hi everyone,

 

 

 

This is my first time posting on this site, but I have to say I’ve read a lot of the posts on here and think you lot can be so insightful, so thought I’d get some advice/encouragement.

 

 

 

I’m a 28 year old male and about 4 months ago my Fiancee and I separated. We’d bought a house and got a dog together and were planning our wedding. We’d been together for five years and it was such a strong, fiesty/passionate relationship. We loved strongly and we fought strongly (that was mainly as a result of her upbringing and being unable to apologise or let anything go). I thought these things meant true love, I know now that’s not the case. Despite all that, I still loved her more than anything in my entire world – I would do anything for her and then one day, she comes home and says that she’s not happy and just ups and leaves. She tells me she worships me and loves me so much but knows I’ll never change (a bit of background, my Father is an alcoholic and we have a family business together and at times, his drinking can put a lot of pressure and stress on me and can cause me a bit of anxiety – this is something that she can’t particularly fathom and has always annoyed her because she thinks I put her last). Anyway, I was having a particularly bad week and she went away with two friends for a few days and upon her return, I was in a pretty bad way, we argued and then the day later she left and went to stay at her friends for a couple of days to get some space. She came back a few days later and left for the last time.

 

 

 

The issue we had was that she was so angry that we weren’t able to communicate properly and talk about how we can sort things out, I really wanted to but she would throw things, push me, and basically spit venom at me with some of the things she’d say. She would be horrible about my family and about my brother who is basically my best friend. Over the course of the next month, I tried talking to her, I would give her space and then when she’d get in touch I would try and talk to her on the phone and told her I loved her and we could fix this and she would get angry and say it’s too late and would hang up. I just couldn’t talk to her without her getting so cross – especially since I was trying to remain so calm and have never and would never say nasty or hurtful things, nor would I use any sort of physical violence against anyone, especially her. I then later find out that she was waiting around for me to come and get her, to come and fight for her – in her head it seemed like all this was some game. She even admitted that she expected me to come and that she didn’t want us to be over, so why the hell would she do this?! That confused me and really made me feel guilty, even though she knew exactly how I felt and we both knew that if I’d have turned up at her mum’s house (where she was staying), with flowers, she’d have thrown them in my face. It also got me thinking – why would someone who loves someone so much, want to put them through this hell?! Her threatening a relationship breakup was something she did every time we fought. My confidence and self respect diminished after each argument because of it – I could never risk being right.

 

 

 

I’ve been working with a therapist over the past four months and she’s been absolutely fantastic and to be quite honest, I wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for her – things got so, so bad that I was really contemplating taking my own life, that’s how wrapped up in all this I was. My therapist told me that I needed space from her, I need to take back control of my life and I needed to stop all communication with her – she was toxic and just wanted me to suffer and feel guilty in order to lift her up (obviously the therapist has more background knowledge of her than you guys have from the above).

 

 

 

Anyway, as my 29th birthday approaches (tomorrow), I sit here now, shaking with fear, anxiety pulsing through me – I’m terrified of being without her, terrified of her meeting anyone else, terrified to go it alone. I miss her so much and although my days are getting better, without her I feel afraid. I want to go home to our house, her smell and just… her. However, I now know that even if she came back, things wouldn’t change, things would continue down this path and I can’t live my life like that and that’s what I’m coming to terms with.

 

 

 

I guess my question to you all, is love really out there? I feel like I had my one true shot at it and I screwed it up and now I’ll never find someone to love again. Yes I’ve been on numerous dates, all who wanted to take things further, but I couldn’t – things were still too raw for me and I didn’t want to lead people on. I’m kind, I’m generous, hugely loveable and I love making people smile – my self-confidence is so low, that those traits were incredibly difficult for me to list. The most important thing for me throughout my whole life has been to eventually find and have a wonderful, passionate and deeply loving relationship with someone, and I thought I had that and it scares me to death to potentially think of a life without that.

 

 

 

I just thought it would be beneficial for me to get other peoples perspective on things – I’m sorry if I’ve posted it in the wrong forum, but any advice you can offer would be so amazing and I’d be eternally grateful.

 

 

 

Sorry for babbling.

 

 

 

B! x

[d0nnivain]

Yes love is out there & no you did not screw this up. This woman was physically & verbally abusive to you. That is no foundation for a marriage. You said yourself

We loved strongly and we fought strongly (that was mainly as a result of her upbringing and being unable to apologise or let anything go)

That's a problem. Repeated "strong" fights are not healthy. You are allowed to vehemently disagree with a partner but repeated fights are a sign of fundamental issues in the relationship, especially if the fights had the same core: your father's alcoholism & your reactions to it. She didn't let anything go.

 

She blamed you for so called "communications problems" but dumped you for failing to chase her after she ran away from you & tried to cut off contact. The irony would be funny if not so tragic on your end.

 

The problem with the relationship was her & to a lesser degree with you for failing to see her issues

 

For now you have mechanical issues to resolve. Cancel the wedding plans to get as much money back as possible. Get the home ownership straightened out. You have to get her off the mortgage.

 

Do try to have a happy birthday. Do something nice for yourself to self soothe. When you blow out your candles wish for a sane, stable, happy, loving & fulfilling relationship. When you get one you will see the contrast to this drama filled nightmare you have been living.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to be more patient with your healing, OP. It's only been 4 months. It's going to take quite a lot longer to feel you have moved on, particularly as this sounds like it was a toxic relationship. You're also not ready to date yet, which is perfectly fine. Give yourself time.

 

But to answer your question - yes, love is out there. It appears you had an unhealthy perception of love, if you felt this level of dysfunction and abuse from her was love. As you spend more time healing, your definition of love will hopefully change in a more positive direction. In other words, this was hopefully your last experience with "love" like this! You can do better.

[berg101]

I know it's right what you guys are saying, but it's so hard to pull myself through this. We were so wrapped up in each others lives that I completely lost myself. I'm drinking so much and I'm just running around trying to search for someone else to fill this void, even though I know that's not right.

 

I feel imprisoned by my thoughts: 'what's she doing? Who's she doing it with? Has she slept with anyone else? Does she regret breaking up with me?' etc etc. If I think about her with anyone else, it can literally make me be sick.

 

We'd split for about 2 and a half months and I was having a terrible weekend and she called me on a Saturday evening at 2am and begged me to come and see her. I caved and went to her new place, we kissed, had sex and then the next day we spent the day together and talked about us. She basically said that I need to sort myself out and sort my issues out and then we can fix the relationship. Again, her piling all the blame onto me. While I know I have a few issues that need resolving, the way she talked about it was as if I was an absolute mess. Granted, when we saw each other again, I became incredibly anxious, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop crying - even when she was there. I've honestly never felt so anxious in my life and now felt under immense pressure to try and fix myself so that our relationship didn't collapse around me again. Anyway, after spending the day together, she came back to our home, spent the night and the next day she went off to work while I took the day off and spent my day crying and considering suicide. That evening I went and stayed at hers again and we had an argument. I was crying (I just couldn't hold onto my tears for some reason) and she said "you did this to us, you broke us". I've honestly never felt so much guilt in all my life. To this day I wish I could have altered things and changed. Anyway, we made up and went to bed - I didn't sleep a wink. The next morning I woke up and instantly felt anxious and began to cry....yet again. We argued and I walked out and told her I couldn't do this. I then blocked her numbers and haven't spoken to her since. She emailed me the other week basically saying that she was worried about me and that because I'd blocked her on everything and deleted Facebook and Instagram, she didn't know what I was doing. She was going mad worrying about me etc etc. I didn't reply and I spoke to my therapist and we agreed by the way she'd worded the email that she didn't care about me, she was doing it because she felt bad and wanted to know that I was in a worse position so it would lift her up.

 

The thing is, in a lot of respects she's had the easier break - she was able to move away from everything that we had, get a new apartment and start a fresh, living with her friends. So she's always surrounded by people that can lift her up and do things with her. She admitted to me when I last saw her that she's being doing some cocaine and I know she's slept with someone else since the break. I know how delicate she is and all these things just make me want to grab her and keep her safe. Ridiculous I know. I'm incredibly co-dependent on this woman and I have no clue why.

 

Even though knowing all of the above, I'm finding it so hard to break away and live my life. I don't know what I'm living for if truth be told.

[d0nnivain]

Tell your counselor about the drinking. Keep yourself busy. When you find yourself thinking about her take a moment to acknowledge the thought then redirect your brain. Healing is not linear but you can do this.

[Zahara]

It's good that you are seeking help from a therapist and that she gave you great guidance as to staying NC when your ex reached out about her concerns for you. Your ex sounds manipulative and entitled.

 

Keep staying the course. Even if you got back together, this relationship would continue to break you down. Yes, it is painful and the reality is that you are going to feel discomfort for awhile. But that does not justify reaching out to her. She can't comfort you when she is and will always be a source of pain to you.

 

You noted that you are co-dependent -- work on those issues. Being with someone like her only exacerbates those issues so stay away from her. Heal yourself.

[Versacehottie]

Happy Birthday---and hang in there

[preraph]

If your dad's an alcoholic, you shouldn't be drinking either, hereditary.

 

Sorry you are in that situation. Any end in sight?

 

Meanwhile, she sounds too physically abusive to stay with. I mean, that's not fun. I'm so glad your therapy is helping. You will have to consciously rebuild your social life so you have one, start a new hobby, do something fun for yourself every week to lift yourself up and get yourself out in the public for the time when you are ready to move on, so you'll have a social network in place. Call old friends and get together. You can do it.

[Adiron]

Hello I see a few possible red flags in what you wrote, I have included them below and I add my thoughts below them for your consideration.

 

 

We loved strongly and we fought strongly (that was mainly as a result of her upbringing and being unable to apologise or let anything go).

 

 

You appear to be blaming her for all the arguing. It's rarely if ever one to blame for an argument- it takes two. It's often possible to defuse the argument rather than perpetuate or even escalate it. I think you need to own your share in the conflict and not put it all on her and her "upbringing and inability to apologize or let anything go". What would she say was the cause of all the fighting if someone was to ask her?

 

 

 

Anyway, I was having a particularly bad week and she went away with two friends for a few days and upon her return, I was in a pretty bad way, we argued and then the day later she left and went to stay at her friends for a couple of days to get some space. She came back a few days later and left for the last time.

 

 

Here it does appear that you took your "bad day" out on her. She defused the situation by leaving and ultimately made the choice to leave for good. Was that also because of her upbringing and inability to let things go?

 

 

The issue we had was that she was so angry that we weren’t able to communicate properly and talk about how we can sort things out

 

 

Communication is a two way street. Perhaps you aren't the easiest person to talk to. How do you take criticism for example.

 

 

I was really contemplating taking my own life, that’s how wrapped up in all this I was.

 

 

If you're suicidal there are much deeper issues here than "being wrapped up in relationship conflict". Healthy people do not consider offing themselves because of relationship problems, they address them.

 

 

Yes I’ve been on numerous dates, all who wanted to take things further, but I couldn’t

 

 

It's been only 4 months since she left. Numerous dates does not sound like such a great idea, what does your therapist say about it?