Does NC or friendship give you a better chance at reconciliation?

[ultimately]

Hi,

 

I hear and hear and hear all about NC as the one-size-fits-all solution for breakups. I even believe it myself, as I'm in NC right now.

 

Though, as peoples situations are all different, is it really safe to say it will work the same? My circumstances are that my ex and I don't harbor negative feelings towards each other persay, he just does not think we are compatible and we argued too much. He offered friendship because he does not want me completely out of his life.

 

Of course, it is hard for me, because he was my best friend as well as partner. I started to weigh the pros and cons of NC and friendship... Though, it's not best to do things with the mindset of wanting to get back together, I can't lie it is the outcome I favor. It is still always better to put yourself first.

 

Friendship, offers a chance to replace negative memories with happier ones. You can showcase your growth, change, development, and show them that things could be different. You can essentially, rebuild the relationship from the ground up, and get closer, and reattract them, right? That's the pros of what I've read.

 

Negatively, of course, if your ex starts dating someone that will be killer. You will be longing for something more, even if you have all the self control and emotional maturity you'll still be longing, at least a bit. And as always, there is no guarantee that anything you do will change their minds, NC or not.

 

NC, is the "safer" route, almost. No putting yourself out there, no risking making "mistakes". It is also emotionally safer for yourself, even if it hurts (likely almost as much, if not a little less than just being friends), and you miss them, you won't have to see the details of them moving on and such.

 

And on the flipside, your ex might not reach out because they would think you're still the same person they broke up with, right? They would not be in contact to see your change, and even if they missed you, they'd still think of you as the person who was too needy/clingy/insecure/aggressive/etc.

 

Can someone either prove me wrong or discuss further?

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

Great Question. This is my take and I apologize for the long response.

 

Before I went online and discovered "No Contact" was an actual formal healing strategy, I came to the conclusion on my own, through my own experiences that being friends with an ex was not possible. I tried on many occasions in different situations and it always came down to the act that I couldn't get over my feelings. I'd hope for something in the future and thus everything I did was with a subconscious intention of hoping to "Win them over" one day. Maybe they'd see the light right? ...nope.

 

As the one who was broken up, I was kept around because detaching completely from me was difficult. It never felt like a friendship at all. I was always kept at a distance. When we talked or met up, it was on their terms and over time, the number of interactions we had became less and less until I didn't expect to hear from them more than twice a year. It was a slow burn. Like someone slowly pushing a knife into your chest. Watching the person whom once viewed you as their world now regard you as nothing isn't fun. Try as you might to be cool with that idea, you won't be. You'll spend the duration of that "Friendship" lying to yourself and not living your truth until you are a broken shell of yourself. It'll strip you away of your confidence and self-worth.

 

That's what contact after a break up really is. It's not a friendship. It's not genuine or sincere or beneficial to the one who was broken up with. Most people who break-up with the other person but want to stay in touch are offering that solution from a self-serving place. It may be consciously or subconsciously but, I've found that it's more often a way to soothe the guilt of hurting the person being dumped, or a way to keep them on the backburner while the dumper gets to try other people out. In the back of their mind, the dumper knows they have the us wrapped around their finger. They lose respect. When they lose respect, they won't want to be with us anyway. It's an unspoken truth. Similar to knowing we have old clothes tucked away in the closet which we may never wear, but keep just incase all the new ones are in the wash one day.

 

At the end of the day, if they don't choose to be with you, they choose to be with someone else and that someone else. Keeping exes close when someone is in a relationship is a red flag for many, as it should be. You will be cut.

 

That's why I believe there's no point of attempting a friendship post-breakup. It doesn't mean we hate the person. It simply means we know what's going to happen. Our self-respect must come first. We're in pain and will need time to ourself to process what happened and grieve it. It will take time and it has to be done without the ex in the picture because they are the source of that pain. We must acknowledge. We must learn to live life and smile without them. We must learn to be independant of them. Rid the need of them. Once we get to that point, we will be ready to see them again. That's when a chance for reconciliation may be possible.

 

The catch is, by then, we may not even care to.

 

No Contact in essence is acknowledging this truth and knowing it's not used to win them over. It's not for them at all. It's to help you get back to healthy state of mind.

 

- Beach

Edited June 10, 2018 by Beachead

[Neruda20]

OP,

 

To answer your question: it depends on the relationship and breakup. However, I don’t think you should pursue friendship if reconciliation is what you desire.

 

You deserve an authentic life. Your ex deserves authentic friendship. Those two things are not compatible right now. An authentic life will not force you to hide your intentions or wants. An authentic friendship should have no motives aside from friendship.

 

And as stated above, friendship with an ex usually ends more in a fringe-zone than friend-zone, meaning the ex keeps you on the fringe of their life as it soothes their conscious and needs. Don’t do that to yourself.

 

Live a life of integrity. Right now you want your ex back, so step away. Once healed, you can better assess whether friendship is possible.

[SpecialJ]

I think the idea is usually NC to heal and get yourself back. If you still want to try to be friends after you've gotten to a point that you can honestly take or leave the guy without being too emotionally tied to the outcome, then you can check in and see what the situation is. What's changed, can you just be friends now, or (with a clear head) is there really something worth saving? Then at that point, if you both find the past problems have resolved and there's still a foundation of feelings, friendship and getting to know each other again can result in more if you both want it to. Or maybe you'll find with perspective that he was right, you're incompatible, and you're content with being just friends.

 

It sounds like you don't have to make a solid decision right now and should probably give yourself some more NC time and space to focus on healing before you change tactics. If he really believes you're incompatible, it's going to take a long break, personal changes likely on both your sides, and luck to get back together. And if he's right and you actually are incompatible, then it's going to be a better use of your time to become open to the possibility of someone new again.

 

Good luck!

[Blanco]

No Contact is to help you detach, heal and move on.

 

Friendship following a breakup is almost always disingenuous.

 

Neither should be used as a tool to "get back" your ex.

[ultimately]

Thank you all for the answers!

 

I find myself very lost sometimes, unsure of what to do. I know he valued the connection we have, but friendship would be only beneficial to him. I do care about him still, and I know he cares about me still, but he chose to break up with me and not stick around to fix the relationship.

 

I will continue with my NC and move on. I considered friendship very seriously as we're in the same circles of friends, I still enjoy his company... but it would be too hard otherwise.

[ExpatInItaly]

If someone truly doesn't want a relationship with you anymore, it won't matter if you stay friends or go No Contact. The result - in terms of not getting back together - would be the same.

 

I would strongly advise you go No Contact if you know he doesn't want to work on things anymore. Staying friends will hurt like hell when he moves on and starts dating someone else.

[d0nnivain]

I will continue with my NC and move on. I considered friendship very seriously as we're in the same circles of friends, I still enjoy his company... but it would be too hard otherwise.

 

NC is about healing the wounds you suffered due to the break up. It prevents you from picking at the scab which is trying to form over your broken heart.

 

Reconciliation is about working together to address what is wrong. It requires effort by both people.

 

Post break up "friendship" is a farce. You can't be friends with an EX especially if one of you wants more. It's just not fair. What are you supposed to talk about? How bad you feel after the break up? Your efforts to date others? If one of you does start dating somebody else, that new SO does not want the old EX around.

 

Here, since you travel in the same circles, "friendship" means that when you see each other you will both be polite & there will be no public drama.

[fromheart]

Speaking here from a mans perspective, and putting myself in the position of a man who has been dumped...

 

 

FRIENDSHIP Tells her that your an impotent but cute little bunny wunny, with pink bows in your hair. The gay man friend and loyal dog, that eats her scraps from the table. Fully reinforces the reasons why she dumped you in the first place.

 

NC Rips her perspective of you being needy and unattractive, especially when you start looking after yourself, pursuing your life goals and dating other women. She'll possibly look you up but like a true alpha male you'd not be interested, as a dumper will most probably dump again and she'd be a bad emotional investment.

 

However, the bottom line is that NC is to look after yourself and move on. Not to win back a dumper.