Need Some counseling here

[Naturalpeace12]

Hello Guys im new here...

 

im going Trough a breakup right now and could use some good advice

5.5 years ago this girl started texting me because she liked me. We hanged out a couple weeks and we started a relationship.

after a couple of years she was forced To leave her Mothers house and buy her own place.. What did i do? Went with her and put thousands of dollars in the house for renovation! Now two years later she Started saying her feelings where gone and that she wanted me To leave and return her keys. After a week of hearing this everyday i had enough and took Some stuff and left. Didnt return THE key yet cause Some of my stuff was still there. After a couple days (i know shouldnt had done it) i checked her facebook and see her talking with another Guy telling HIM she”s alone and talking about she did it al on her own) so i confronted her and she flipped(i understand lol). After that she stuffed all my clothes in bags demanding i come take iT and return her key. So i did. After that we both went from hot To cold on messager(from i miss you so Much and im so sorry To leave me alone i dont want you anymore). Whats funny is when i was at her Home one or two times we cuddled kissed and even cried together in a Good way. She drove past my work all slow peaking inside. After that one day i was om my emotiontour (i had a few lol)and she blocked me on everything not reacting To my messages anymore. So i decided its best to stop contacting her(had no contact for two weeks now) im focusing on myself excercising going for walks and hang out with friends. Focusing on my life and doing whats good for me. Creating An environment where im good either with or witouth her. This all happened in the last two months. Still you Guys think shes comin around? I dont want To lose her but she Made Some pretty clear statements . Should i contact her in a couple of weeks or let her take a step towards me. Im past THE tought that its kinda immature To walk in someones life telling HIM you like him. Asking him To come live with you let him pay for a lot and then after a Year telling HIM To bounce cause you dont love HIM no more. Now shes alone in THE house we build together and im in a small rental room. Should i wait on her To calm down and contact me? Or get her out of my system. Please help! Pete from UK

[d0nnivain]

She's never going to take a step toward you. She's done with you. She's enjoying her home. She has her eye on a new guy.

 

Not only did you lose the girl you also lost all of the money you put into that house. Unless you have a writing saying that it was a loan not a gift or that you were entitled to equity in the house, you are screwed.

 

It's time for you to get good & mad because you have been used. Then you can propel yourself forward in a positive manner.

 

You also need to collect all of your stuff, return the key & disconnect on social media. You could try holding the key hostage in exchange for some repayments on the money you put into the house but if she's smart, she'll just change the locks because that is cheaper.

[Naturalpeace12]

Well sir its really that simple? Thinking like that is why THE world is in fire lol. If this was THE case the signals would-be different i guess. I know THE only person i need To think About right now is me. But was just asking. You sir have a verry dark soul lol

Edited May 20, 2018 by Naturalpeace12
You are no sir hehe

[d0nnivain]

First of all I'm a woman.

 

Second I am a realist.

 

I gave you my frank (some may call blunt) analysis because I hate to see you hurting & as long as you sit there mourning, & hoping she'll come back you will continue to wallow in pain.

 

I actually believe in forgiveness but will not sacrifice my happiness for somebody who threw away my love & my money as cavalierly as your EX did to you.

 

There was 1 mixed signal here -- the kissing & cuddling early on but since then the message has been all negative. She flat out ignores you now.

 

Continue to hope at your own peril. Best wishes.

[Naturalpeace12]

I already figured out you was a woman haha

 

I understand your point of view. Actualy after the kisses and cuddles a lot has happened. She Texted me doubting if it was THE right choise and how she misses me... she drove by my work a couple times and when we met she told me THE typing With THE Guy was innocent. She dont want another man she was open To be back together all she needed was space and me not pushing. Thats where THE radio silence came around THE corner.. me typing whole pages of Emotions. I also understand that all THE pain is created in my mind and sitting here thinking About her wont make my life better. But i respect your pov thank you for your reply

[FMW]

Sounds like at the very least you probably need to give her some space, meaning you don't initiate contact. Let her make all the moves. Respond, but in a moderate way. If you need to spill out pages of emotions, start a journal, for your eyes only.

 

As far as the money you put into the house, as long as it wasn't MANY thousands of dollars you can look at it as just normal housing expenses. You would have been paying rent somewhere else, so it's not really all lost. Sure, it's not fair that she gets the greater benefit, but it can't be undone now. Just keep in in mind for any future actions.

[Naturalpeace12]

Yeah i guess your right About The moneything. She has a lot of stress from a changing job and finishing her study. Shes just an agressive character by nature and often dont mean what she says. That being said i shouldnt let anyone treat me like that so getting her out of my system should be THE only way. Im just wondering has she cut off al contact and thats THE last thing i ever hear from her? Or is it To protect us both and have some space. I know if i have To i can cut her out of my life. lost a lot of people on my life and im good but im just not a person that treat people like an object and toss them in THE garbage without fighting for someone i lovend for over 5 years. With all THE mixed signals i just dont know where i really stand. We went so fast running in our emotions we both ****ed up. For now i need To keep THE focus om What makes me happy i Geuss...

[Naturalpeace12]

Someone else with Any insight?

[SpecialJ]

I think you've glossed over a lot here, either because you don't really understand or see why her attraction to you has cooled or because you don't want to share the details. But it's very hard to give better advice on how to repair things without knowing that. So my suggestion is, you really soul search about why she's disconnected from you. Where were your values or future goals not aligning? How were your levels of trust and communication? Does each of your personal baggage fit together in a healthy way? Were you really just giving and giving this whole time until she took what she needed and met someone else? That's how you made it sound, but I doubt that's what happened (and if it really is what happened, you're much better off now). Look deeper, figure out the hard truths about either yourself or her that you've possibly been avoiding, and then you may understand where she's coming from and therefore how to communicate more effectively.

 

This insight may only come to you after you take time and distance from her through no contact, focusing on yourself. I'm not sure how you process things, but if she's not talking to you anymore, you should respect her space and boundaries for now regardless.

 

Also, d0nnivain usually gives good advice, even if it's hard to hear, so try to be open and not dismissive if you want different opinions.

Edited May 20, 2018 by SpecialJ

[springy]

"after a couple of years she was forced To leave her Mothers house and buy her own place.. What did i do? Went with her and put thousands of dollars in the house for renovation! Now two years later she Started saying her feelings where gone and that she wanted me To leave and return her keys"

 

So there's this giant chunk of time in between moving in together, renovating a house, and then two years after that boom! she's not feeling you anymore.

 

Why is that? Lots has been left out here. I'll wait to proclaim that she was using you until I have more information. Besides, she was with you 2 years before the house stuff happened. Were you showering her with funds the entire time?

 

IMO lobbing thousands of dollars into a property that doesn't have your name on it for someone who is not, at the very least, a fiance, is unwise. I understand that you were trying to be kind and help someone you cared about, but it seems there's this expectation now that she can/should never leave you? Like, how dare she after all I've done for her!

 

As I said, you left alot of what happened during that space of two years out. My understanding from your post is that it was two years after renovation before she decided it wasn't working for her. For that reason I am cautious to assume you were used, and wonder if there wasn't something else going on that hasn't been shared with us.

Edited May 20, 2018 by springy

[preraph]

You'd have been paying rent someplace. That said, lesson learned. Don't mix money with anyone you're not married to. If then.

 

She sounds like she's had enough of you for now, so the last thing you should do is continue to contact her. She may have had some soft times since the breakup, but then she was pretty harsh, and unless you want to live with that going forward, I'd say cut your losses and make it easy for yourself by not looking at her social media.

 

I'll indulge you for a couple weeks here just in case she runs hot and cold and say maybe don't block her for a couple of weeks, but if she hasn't reached out by then, you should block her and just move on. Don't contact her after the harshness or you're just tacitly saying you'll put up with it. Not making any judgment the harshness was warranted by your actions or not. Just saying, you only reward good behavior and teach people how to treat you that way, not by going along when things get bad and accepting that. I'd tell her the same thing.

 

Good luck.

[Naturalpeace12]

Well after al the emoticons settled and coming back to my senses i broke of contact and started focusing om myself again i feel so much better... i accepted THE fact its over and i wont make Any effort no more. Life is To short To keep hurting yourself right.. keep hearing from other people that right after she blocked me out completely she Gets spotted with another Guy. One of her neighbors who lives in her street told me yesterday(was talking with him on another subject) that this Guy comes over Every day... i wont lie im being a little hurt by the fact she Goes straight To another man after a we broke up a couple weeks but hey if that what makes her happy right... props To d0nnivain for being right;) any tips To deal with my ego begin hurt this time? Thanks in advance

[Marc878]

Upfront you didn't want the truth.

 

Total no contact and block her on everything. Hopefully you've learned a great lesson here.

[Naturalpeace12]

Havent had any contact for over a Month.. deleted all photos and everything connected To her... thrown away gifts and deleted all familymembers out of my phone so been there done that... its just al little salt in an freshly covered wound and a bruisend ego. Was asking for tips To ease it mister

[d0nnivain]

Breakups are painful no matter what. On some levels the grieving process is part of the healing process. When things were good, you had something special; you were part of a team & you miss that. It's natural.

 

Some of the things you can do to minimize the pain you have been doing.

 

Purging your life of the trinkets, mementos & reminders helps.

 

Change helps. You live in a new place so it's probably not filled with memories of her but avoiding places that were special to the two of you is a good plan. Go to a new coffee shop, a new grocery store etc.

 

Movement helps. Now is the time to exercise. Working out produces endorphins which help elevate mood.

 

If you ever had a desire to reinvent yourself now is a good time to do that. Buy some new clothes; change your style; take up a new hobby; explore a part of the world you have never seen -- it doesn't have to be as exotic as requiring a plane just take a drive & walk down the main street of a nearby town where you have never spent a lot of time.

 

Surround yourself with supportive friends & family.

 

Realize that healing is not linear. It may be 1 step forward 2 steps back at times. When you find yourself thinking about her & reminiscing, take a moment to acknowledge the thought, then say to yourself "she's taken up enough time in my head. I have to think about anything else." Then find something to focus on. If you have trouble, try movement -- go for a walk, hit the gym, clean something.

 

Best wishes.

[Naturalpeace12]

Thank you.. funny thing is i knew from day one she was the kind of person To act like this.. had a good convo just now with a good friend it feels much better.. funny thing is after i responded this morning i went out driving and Geuss what? I moved To the side of the road To let a car pass with them in it haha she was all ducking like i wouldnt see her but i know the guy. Achting the wat she did tellen me enough who im really dealing with She really dont reserve me or my energy. Achting like she does Will keep her unhappy but thans none of my concern anymore. Just going on with life like i was doing last couple weeks and focus on me.. i started going To the gym 5 days a week stopped smoking weed completely and next up is quiting cigarettes!