fiance and future mother in law issues

[2005tahoe]

I met my fiancé online in July 2017, moved her closer to me in October 2017 and got engaged in December 2017, she lived about 150 miles away and I would commute to her most weekends. As things got more serious she wanted to move closer to me to be able to spend more time together and to get her out of a high drug/crime area. So in October I went to pick her up and her belongings and moved her into my apartment with me. Things were going great, so we started looking at a bigger apartment incase her mom came to visit, she lives 10 hours away. So, we move into the new place, she finds a job here and she wanted a car with better gas mileage, so we traded hers, with her and her mom cosigning. We started carpooling to work since we work so close together but the traffic was stressful with an hour to 2 drive home, it started stressing us both out. We were living out lives happily. We talked about our insecurities and they mirror each other, we talked about cell phone privacy, both of ours are free to the other to use and we talked about keeping our personal problems and money problems to ourselves.

 

A few months later there were a few arguments about money, I make double what she does but I help her out by paying her car insurance and rent, she pays her $600 car payment and we split gas and groceries. I sold my new car to help us save money and start saving for a house. I had found out that she spent $250 on her hair and I got upset with her, hers where the arguments start. Well a few months later we have a few more arguments and she went and told her mom, well her mom drove 10 hours in a truck to "rescue" her daughter. I was at work when all of this happened and when I got home she wasn't there but her stuff was. About an hour later she walks in with her mom and she tells me that shes staying. Good, we can talk out our issues and work to resolve them. Well, its happened a few times after that where she talks to her mom about EVERYTHING that goes on in our lives after I have asked several times to keep our lives private. She was tickling me one day and I was laughing and sarcastically/jokingly told her that I would kick her ass if she kept going, she told her mom and best friend that I was serious. It keeps happening so I started getting distant and hoping that she would realize that its affecting our relationship.

 

The last thing that happened was that she is so attached to social media, especially instagram. just in casual conversation I asked her if she could change her profile picture to one of us together, she said no. That kinda shocked me as she has other pictures on there of us, but I just told her that her reaction kinda shocked me but I let it go, no big deal. But she changed it to one of us anyways.

 

Well this past Friday night we went out to eat with my family and stopped by my moms place to play a board game, she looks like she is having a good time and about an hour later we head home. As soon as we walk in the door she goes strait to the bedroom and doesn't say a word to me, so I go in there and she is already in bed. Saturday morning I got up to get ready for work and forgot that I had some stuff in her car that I needed that afternoon, so I took her spare key with me to unlock it and was going to bring it home that evening. She texted me when she woke up asking about where her spare key was which was weird, her primary key hangs on the wall next to the door. She got upset that I had it and I asked her what was going on and she wouldn't tell me that we just needed to separate and that she was done. This is the second time that she had threatened me with leaving, the first was when her mom came down. Things have been tense the past few days but nothing that we could have talked about or worked out. So, she brought me her engagement ring and her phone that was on my plan and I gave her the spare key back for her car. When she got to my work she texted me that she was here, So I go outside and get the ring and phone and hand her the key and walk away. She follows me back inside, she goes to the customer counter and I was behind the counter helping a technician, so I wasn't paying any attention to her. Then she tries to come around to the back door that's locked to get to me and then the outside side door she tries too, then gives up and leaves.

 

So, I have no contact info for her except her email and her moms number, I texted her mom the next morning and asked her if she got home ok and she just said yes. I sent her an email explaining that these are petty issues that can be worked out and that things can be fixed. She never responded. I think she made a knee jerk reaction and that she will start to think about me and miss me. She talked to my mom too Saturday morning and my mom told her to let her emotions cool down before making a rash decision like this and don't do something that she may regret, her and my mom got along great.

 

I just don't get that someone can walk away after telling you that they love you and wont treat you like your ex's, she said that she would never give up and that we will always communicate to resolve our issues. I made the mistake of checking her instagram page and saw that she changed her profile picture back and just took one picture of me off. She still has pictures of us together and trips that we took along with the engagement box that I gave her still on there. We were always together.

 

I am at day 5 of NC and I do hope for reconciliation and I know that NC is to heal yourself. I guess I am just looking for support and advice. I know that her mom and friends have had a lot of influence on her decision, I wish she wouldn't talk about our problems to others.

 

I want both male and female points of views about this, if she just needs time to herself, what does the dumper feel and is she thinking about me? Do dumpers feel any regret?

 

Im sure Im forgetting more details buth these are where the problems started.

 

 

a month later:

 

 

Well, its been a month NC without a peep from her. Her mother had sent a message to my mom on FB messenger. My mom didn't see it until today bc shes not on FB that much. It reads:

 

"This is R's mom. I am trying to get ahold of her. C has turned her phone off again. I don't know whether to call the police, I am afraid for her safety" Keep in mind, I was at work when she left, how was I going to do anything 45 minutes away???

 

Then later sent my mom another message, it reads:

 

"Your son is a ***hole , R gave him his phone, then she found out that she couldn't get on her icloud to get her pictures of her baby that passed away. He sent me laughing faces. He is one sick bastard. I am going to plaster his face all over (the town I live in) as what a controlling person he is."

 

I also noticed on her instagram that she had been searching for my name, she keeps looking at my cousins instagrams page bc we have the same name, why?

 

She also posted a pic of her captioning "Had a great day with a very special person"

 

 

Also, we owe the apartment complex we used to live at $3200 for early termination and 60 days rent. She was all concerned about that going on her credit and has agreed to give me half of it before she left to pay for it. I haven't seen any money from her and its due next month. I don't want to pay it all bc her name is on the lease too and she is responsible for half. She hasn't contacted me either about it.

 

What would you do? I already have a new car and a new apartment, so im set for now.

 

Would you let it go to collections and not pay it and both of our credits take a hit?

 

or

 

Pay it all and take her to small claims court in the state she is in now?

 

I have already talked to the complex and they refuse to take partial payment

 

 

7 weeks later:

 

 

Thing are starting to feel better 7 weeks of NC. I still look at her instagram but im getting better about not looking at it as much. She has posted a pic with a guy with a quote "days are better with this guy" it could be a cousin for all I know. I guess that she is looking for a reaction out of me, I dunno.

 

Also, her best friend called off her engagement back in January so I guess this got my ex to thinking about the single life, but guess who is back with their fiancé? Yea, her best friend that she shared all of our problems too. So, what does this make my ex think?

 

I know I don't need to worry about it, just looking for some insight to help me move on, that's what helps me.

[d0nnivain]

Oh my goodness.

 

First you moved too fast. You only met July. Moving in less than 4 months later was mistake #1. You don't live with people until you have dated them for at least a full year. You need to get to know them & their families.

 

Mistake # 2 was breaking your lease in favor of moving some where too far from work. If you were going to move to a bigger place, it would have been smarter to move closer to work.

 

Mistake # 3 -- buying a new car with a $600 per month car payment. That's bonkers. It was probably way more car then she could have afforded.

 

Mistake # 4 getting engaged too quickly. You didn't know this woman when you moved in together. Two more months so you were together for 6 months by the time you got engaged was still too fast. Moreover because you were already having stressors, upping the commitment level before fixing the problems was adding to the misery.

 

Overall this girl & her mom are co-dependent & both have communications issues. You need to disconnect from them. You have more to lose if the payment to the old apartment complex isn't made. Pay it then try to chase her for her share but I doubt you will get your money back. Be happy she returned the engagement ring. Hopefully you can resell that to cover her share of the penalties.

 

Next relationship, slow down. Take your time. Get to know the other person. Don't move in for at least a year. Don't get engaged for another year after that. When you see red flags pay attention to them.

[Itspointless]

Overall this girl & her mom are co-dependent & both have communications issues. You need to disconnect from them.

Hey man, that is hard but sound advice. I do not know about the co-dependent part, but the speed she moved in is a sign (seems the be the norm with many people these days but it isn't smart). Your ex and her mother also read like horrible communicators. All the blaming also sound like they have issues left with another man, I guess a father, who is totally absent from this story. As a man I read a lot of man-hating, which is best to walk away from.

 

I think your money is gone, sorry.

[springy]

I wouldn't want that on my credit...pay if you have it. Take her to small claims court for her half.