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Weird Breakup

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Old 25th March 2018, 1:06 PM   #1
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Question Weird Breakup

Hi guys. I didn't know a forum like this existed and I'm glad I found it. I like the vibe here. Also, I was about two minutes away from paying for one on one couching with 'brad browning''-- took me a minute to realise that his stuff was essentially one giant scam, and also that I was severely uncomfortable acting that manipulative towards my ex. Very gross. (Also, the 97$ could be better spent on buying the 8th season of Bob's Burgers and take out )

So anyways- here's a breakup I'm trying to get through right now.

Relevant details-

- I'm 22/F. I know... I am young and hope I don't get ignored for that.. Long story short, I came from a troubled childhood and currently rent a townhome on my own, sustaining myself through a receptionist job and a nannying job. I am pretty damn independent, if I can say that.

He is 26/M. On his masters. Good childhood. Lived a home, happy, most of his life. Had a career as a professional athlete before, until we got together and I was supporting him though school. I don't want to say much more for the sake of discretion.

- We've lived together for a year and four months as of last week (when he left).

- Been together almost two years.

- My family loved him (likely more than they loved me)

- His family hated me- his mother specifically- I had tattoos and a tendency to swear if I stubbed my toe or something that I was trying to work on since it freaked her out a looooot. Huuuuuge momma's boy, I'd never be good enough for her son and he was wrapped around her finger.

What happened:

We had been fighting a week prior to the breakup. He didn't invite me to some gala- lied that he couldn't, it was for school only, blah blah blah. I found out and we had issues. He admitted I didn't fit in with his friends and family (they're fairly high class) and he was embarrassed to have me around because of the obvious tension- i.e; me being very nervous about my behaviour around them. However: he was truly apologetic. Understood he shouldn't do that and swore up and down he'd work with me on finding a solution to my own fear of ****ing up around them and his families/friends treatment of me.

It was a big thing so I was hoping he'd make it up to me- he never did, so I remained upset with him, but we were doing well outside of that. He was swearing up and down he loved me, since we have had issues before where he acts "apocalypticy" every time I was upset at him and didn't allow me to be mad at him without him essentially threatening to or implying he'd leave. I'm not blaming him here though. I think we had two different communication styles that clashed HARD when we fought, since he was otherwise very caring and empathetic towards my needs... he just shut himself off hard emotionally when he was actually guilty of something malicious (something he didn't have a good excuse for).

However- I understand that sounds bad, but he sounded optimistic. Hopeful. The week was going well and I was planning on figuring out how to get in some time with his friends (whether we liked each other or not) to be more amicable to keep him from being stressed. Obviously- I am the only one trying here, his friends ... and mother specifically... really didn't want to deal with me. I was never mean to them, you see, it's just that I never ever fit in with his circle of high-achieving, well-off family/friends. Literally the day OF the breakup incident he randomly approached me, on his own, and said 'I've been neglecting you. I'll do better.'

So I'm serious here, in that what he did next blindsided me. There was no sign he was considering leaving.

And so, I went out THAT NIGHT to do an overnight nanny-thing, and he moved out. Almost like a dog when you leave the front door open. His dad helped him pack up and move out that night and that morning- according to my neighbour, 8pm and 8am. Both the exact times I called him to check up on him and let him know I'd be home soon where he swore he loved me and all was fine (cause I was feeling off that night). I was shocked when I came home. I was shaking and very, very cold. I had to wrap myself up in a blanket and I vomited after he left. (Yes- now, obviously, that feels very dramatic). He didn't let me get my boots off before he said we need to talk, I want to break up.

And here's the thing, this is the second time this happened. This happened a year ago too- minus the moving out, but he did blindside me with a breakup. It was unfortunate, but about three weeks after it happened, it was ruled out as a result of an episode... one of his depressive episodes. We spent a week on 'break', he came back, I convinced him to stay for awhile and see what happens, and we wound up sticking together for over a year (until now). In fact- he wrote me a note knowing his depression might cause him to isolate me (I think it's manic depression with the way he was acting, but he stopped getting help when he met me despite my pleading) that was very cute, basically promising sometimes he gets sad but its not me, and if I wait it out he'll be back.

So I almost went the same route. Almost did the same thing I did last time- but this time, it was like he had an edge. He insisted it wasn't a manic episode, that it was totally normal for him to dip out on a loving relationship in the middle of the night (despite talking about the future previously), that it had nothing to do with his depressive spiral the week before over finals stressing him out etc etc etc. So he's currently doing what has always been his biggest problem- he's latching onto this bad decision, convinced it was the best possible thing to do (completely ignoring me like not even pretending to respond when I tell him he KNEW his leaving like that was my biggest fear since our last fight) and can no longer see the good. None whatsoever. Ignores me mentioning his promises (since he knows he gets sick and usually sticks to them), and couldn't come up with a reply when I asked if he'd just been faking all those promises, what they meant, why was THIS rash decision more important than how he felt (at the time) literally the day before etc. He agreed the decision was sudden and his reasoning was, when prompted, he didn't see a good future. The lows were too low to match the highs, but he still loved me and this hurt him and he couldn't be the man I needed. etc. blah blah.

So I begged and pleaded and the usual nonsense for about an hour, and honestly when it seemed to be working... I shut down. I sort of regret this I think. I shut down and told him to go, good luck. I was so tired of it that I just... let it go. and had two days where I sort of calmed down and we agreed to be friends and he begged ME to stay in his life (as a friend??!?) and then... I guess I couldn't deal.

I really love him. Really, truly deeply. And I think if this wasn't clearly some nonsensical manic decision, I wouldn't be trying so hard. It's not the first time I've dealt with his unpredictable mood swings, or even the second or third. And he's sworn it's not just me he'd do this to. Essentially I don't want it to be the last.

So after two days I... try again. Suggest it's good we spent time apart but swore I could do this the right way this time. That we could figure out how to make it work together- that this problem stemmed from something outside of either of us and clearly we needed to work on communication (his inability to bring up problems to me, he's admitted hating conflict because frankly he was sheltered as **** growing up and my need to resolve my own insecurities in the relationship without heavy input from him, since he can barely handle himself right now). He reluctantly agreed, and we spent a day together to work out and for me to see my dog- wherein I cried for probably twenty minutes and then we made out.


He was happy and optimistic we had a better chance at getting back together (officially, he won't tell anyone yet) that day, then by late that night apparently was doing very badly. He told me that in the morning when I asked if things were stable, to which he replied no but better than last night. This was yesterday. I spent the entire day bawling because honestly he is so... painfully unpredictable when he is like that, and the downside to THIS time is he moved out. I truly think the time apart is worse for him and told him that myself, that the longer he spends away from me the more he walls himself off (in the comfort of mommy doing everything for him) and the harder it is for me to speak to him. We argued a bit that morning because I was so done. Then we spoke on the phone last night (and I was much more lighthearted by that point) and he said he was 'doing better' since that. I suggested we hang out briefly soonish (since he does much better in person) and he said he'd think about it because he's busy with finals(so no), but that we'd meet again Friday for sure. Also since he has my dog so it's nice having him over for a playdate too.

Anyways, I want to stay with him. Obviously. I'm not even mad at him for what he did- I understand he's not always in a good frame of mind (he used to be even medicated for these issues) and knew what I was getting into when I joined the relationship (that he begged for, interestingly. I almost didn't get with him but I'm so glad I did). I think this might be going well if I can stay calm and not stress him out... but it is hard to stay calm worrying that the longer he stays away the more he's walling himself off emotionally.

I'm not quite sure what to do here. After last nights talk (and writing all of this out was surprisingly therapeutic) I can give him the space he keeps saying he needs (which I'm not sure about) and keep him lighthearted.

I don't think the space is good but I'm not about to force him into anything, so, I'm just gonna from here out try to be lighthearted and positive despite how devastated and pathetic I might be behind the scenes.

Anyways- I'm not sure why exactly I'm posting here. Validation? Someone to tell me to just drop his ass (which I really can't do but eh)? Empathy? Someone having gone through something similar (a loved one just up and disappearing? A mother actively trying to ruin relationships? She used to imply to him I was a whore, I'd trap him with a baby... she had no idea I was supporting him fully financially and emotionally through school but whatever)

Anyways. Felt nice to kill time and write that all out. Hopefully I can find a good community in here as this progresses, because I am very tired of feeling alone and don't want to bother my friends too often about this (they were always good to him but are obviously pissed at him and don't want to speak much about it).
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Old 25th March 2018, 2:44 PM   #2
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So I think the problem is threefold. Number 1, he's a mama's boy and can't say no to them. They disapprove of you and he understands why because he's one of them, and he can't buck them because he never has. A person isn't an adult until they assorted independence from their parents. He hasn't gotten there. He may never get there. And meanwhile some of what they say makes sense to him because there is a gulf between you that is either cultural or money or whatever. Imagine you have someone constantly telling you there are such better women for you out there and that you deserve these other women and not to settle. I mean who's ego doesn't want to believe that a little bit?

Of course the other part is his mental instability. If he isn't seeing someone for it I wouldn't even consider getting back together with him because it's too chaotic.

And the third thing is he's 26 years old and he has a lot going for him. If he's human, at least part of him wants to be free to explore, and here he has his parents at his back telling him you could do better you could get any woman you want.

And yes he moved out exactly like a dog runs off, and that makes him cowardly. You have every right to be furious. There is no part of this entire scenario that isn't a huge slap in the face and insult to you. I'm telling you right now you should not accept a half-baked relationship with him that he can hide from his parents because he's the problem not standing up to his parents, not being man enough to do that. If you stayed with it and he never stood up to his parents, they would always treat you poorly. It's his obligation to demand his parents treat you with at least polite respect and he certainly old enough they shouldn't be running his life.

So my advice is you do not get into a personal relationship with him because this suits his needs. That is what he'll be comfortable with. And why should he do more if he doesn't need to keep you.

I think you should take a breath, set boundaries with him, stop making out with him, stop talking about being friends with him, and tell him I'm single, if you change your mind you know where I'm at. And then you should start dating. That will sober him up real fast. Of course his mother will still call you names, but realized she won't know about it unless he tells her. And if he tells her, he is hopeless and probably never going to grow up and make his own decisions.

So do not tell him you'll wait for him. You get out there and start date. Don't be available every time he calls you. Be busy. Go out with girlfriends. If he perceives you're just sitting around crying waiting for him then he knows he's got all the time in the world and that you will accept any half-measure. Don't let him do that to you. You go out there and continue living your life to the fullest.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
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Old 25th March 2018, 4:30 PM   #3
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I agree- I am genuinely furious at his parents for supporting him in this. Even afterwards they seemed to imply to him I was sneaking money off his credit card (???) and were suspect of me. Of course, I sounded terrible since he couldn't remember what they payments were to- he somehow forgot I used to use his card to transfer my OWN money I'd send to him to my paypal (my bank is ridiculous, long story). So they were grilling him over 75$ after we split... like, they went through his statements! I can only imagine when they were helping him move out on a whim that they were soooo happy I was out of his life.

They really had no idea I was supporting him- that I paid full rent and utilities, groceries his school supplies etc. His mother wouldn't have approved or something (wouldn't believe where the money came from but reception is well paid?) so he always lied that he was paying half the rent. I'm a little mad he's coming out of this essentially scot and pain free, and I get to be the Evil Thieving Whore or whatever it is and get to live out this pain but he can just... shut himself off.

To vent a little and get this out---- I am so mad at his *words that are usually censored* parents right now. I did try with them. I did respect them for giving him a good childhood, and generally being good people. But I ****ing hate them for having their claws so deep in him, for raising him so sheltered, and essentially supporting him traumatizing a loving girlfriend... and being so helpful because they hated me for... what? I was always kind. I always tried. I never quite fit in. I think it was a class issue tbh, I grew up poor and have only an arts degree and my reception/nanny job, and he grew up wealthy, able to depend on his parents so he could afford to be a known athlete and pursue 8 years of school. I'm mad at them. They're cruel and there was no reason to hate me or judge me just because I wasn't up to their caliber. I sacrificed a lot for their son and very clearly loved him deeply. They suck for this.

^^ LOL ok sorry, anyways though.

There are two pieces of me right now- one that's forgiven him entirely and just desperately wants to be able to build back up what we had- what was improving before he had a breakdown. I am effectively on my first day of 'no contact' with him, but that's more just letting things be quiet before I see him Friday. It's hard. I fear he'll shut down further the more time he gets to spend with mommy catering to his every need (I clearly still resent her pretty bad) but I know it is hard on both of us and I know he seems as confused about his decision as I am- he is not acting normal, and he always seems better about when he is actually with me. I've stopped arguing with him on it though because since he moved out he CAN just decide to block me out of his life and I can't stop that. He moved out too so he couldn't regret his decision... because he knew he would, because it was impulsive and just so... so cowardly. His parents never should have encouraged that but I digress. Anyways, this side of me wants to fix things and prove to him we can communicate and do better and be back to where we were literally HOURS before he made this impromptu decision and half the time he seems willing to do it.

And the other half of me honestly wants to show up at his house, take my dog back, figure out some scathing thing to say to his parents (to burn my bridges so to speak), and tell him off for doing something so cruel that he absolutely knew I was terrified of (I used to call him after the first breakup when I was at work, terrified he'd be gone before I got home). That I 'forgive' him for it but he's not allowed in my life when he is acting like that, and he is not allowed in my life if we aren't a team and mommy still has her claws in him.

I'll still love him but I don't know whether to be stronger than this hurt and move forward with him (what I seem to be on the road to doing) or spare myself and date somebody I guess less accomplished but at least more stable.
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Old 25th March 2018, 4:53 PM   #4
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If you go tell them off, it will make both him and the parents think the parents were right all along, so refrain from doing that. You can tell HIM off and probably should. No one runs off with my dog, I can tell you that.

I heard this recently and I think it's very true. Down the road, remember that the opposite of love isn't hate -- it's indifference. If you hate, it will eat you alive and not hurt them but only make them feel justified. If you go indifferent and get to that point of strength and resolve and just stop caring what he thinks and what they think and move on with your live, that is the best thing for you. I know you're still in negotiations, but don't accept crumbs from him. It's all or nothing. He needs to man up or you need to let him go. Meanwhile, tell him bring your dog. You need your dog right now and going forward.
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Old 25th March 2018, 5:03 PM   #5
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Ugh. I know- I wouldn't ever actually freak out at them, it's just... life isn't fair sometimes huh? His parents get to be 'right' about me, and he can marry some simple well-bred girl who never argues anyone and is perfect and easy enough to have a life with, and our life and all his promises never mattered... because of one breakdown and his refusal to get help.

I'm just mad and hurt I guess.

I do really want it to work but for that to happen I have to calm down, and honestly I know HE won't put work into it until I've put in at least 70% of it. That's something I had to come to terms with during the relationship- that he does improve, but it takes my sacrifice for him to be capable of making that effort.

Also- we seemed to be on the same page about wanting to settle down soon. I don't think he has any interest in exploring and honestly was... doing very poorly at dating anyways. Very gentle, romantic soul but very incredibly shy.

re: dog, he's been to visit with the dog and thats the only reason I haven't insisted on him back. He's willing to give him back I just don't want to lose that interaction with him. Sigh. I do miss my dog. But he's visiting friday, we're going to work out and have a playdate with teh dog (I have two, one's still with me). Dunno how to act.

Last edited by DallasEllie; 25th March 2018 at 5:05 PM..
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Old 25th March 2018, 5:53 PM   #6
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Stop letting them make your decisions and between now and Friday try to take a dispassionate look at the situation. And you don't have to decide anything Friday. But don't just let him drag out seeing you when he needs you while making his parents happy. Make him feel the loss in the very near future.

Yes, just like in Sex in the City, he'll probably marry beige.
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Old 26th March 2018, 7:06 AM   #7
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Your situation is a little similar to mine however, I am older and he is younger (Iím 24 by the way). I came out of a kinda broken dysfunctional, but successful business family.He came out of a poorer Ďperfectí home where the parents were very supportive, but also very controlling.A mummyís boy, he would drop everything for his family, and also allowed them to piss all over me (they didnít like me either, and Iíve got a double degree and my own damn business)

There were many times that I wouldnít be invited or disinvited to family or church events. Of course there was always some excuse, or heíd straight up lie about it.He too would always try and make it up to me.Even if he did make it up to me, heíd do the same thing a few weeks later.
He was very dependent on his family as he was studying medicine.Being the kind hearted person I was, I too became another source of financial support.He paid for almost nothing, even managed to **** up my car and left me footing the bill.When I asked him for money he called me evil

From my own recent experience mummas boy will always be mummas boy.His family will alway be his first priority, no matter how much he tells you thatís not the case. He can talk as much as he wants that he loves you, wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but clearly he hasnít shown it and unfortunately I donít think guys like this ever will.
Reading this I can easily tell youíre not a stupid girl.This guy is 26 years old and still being breastfed by his mum.He does not stand up for you, and it wonít change anytime soon, if ever, and is that what you really want?
If heís walked away, let him do it.I know youíre going through a great deal at this time, but imagine how much simpler your life would be with someone who actually shows that they love you,support you,stand up for you and whose family and friends you actually get along with.

This guy has been blowing hot and cold, and Iím really suprised youíve stayed sane dealing with this not once but twice.I too during the breakup spent at least two hours trying to convince him that we could get through this together. I got to a point where I realised that I couldnít make someone love me or care for me,he simply didnít and I had to accept that.So I let him walk away and it was the best thing HE DID FOR ME.I still see red over how much bull**** and lies I tolerated.The bottom line is that he did not respect me, his family didnít respect me and I like you, deserve better.

I hate myself for allowing my exís perfect upbringing and family get the better of me.It made me insecure, jealous and thinking that he and his family were better than my family and I. Donít let this child having you think the same.
His family put on a show, make their lives seem perfect,but it is always much different behind closed doors, I assure you.
My friends knew of my situation, in fact my friends referred to my dad as Hitler.I was never ashamed of what I went through because I felt it made me a better person, that is until I met my ex who made me feel ashamed of being honest.

I grew up with a narcissistic, emotionally and physically abusive father. It wasnít the best situation but it was what it was.My parents built a business out of nothing, so I was lucky enough to have a comfortable upbringing. If I wanted something I had to work for it, nothing was ever given (unlike my ex, which made him very selfish and ungrateful). I still live with my dad, am well educated, have a growing career and great work ethic. My dad no longer jumps at me, but he knows if he tried Iíd ruin him.

Let the family continue to bubble wrap their child. One day his parents wonít be around, the world will suck him in spit him out, and he wonít know what hit him. This is where you succeed, this is where your troubled life and independence makes you a more resilient person.
I tell myself quite often nowadays, ďif I can go through what I went through growing up, I sure as hell can deal with moving on from this boyĒ, as can you.
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Old 26th March 2018, 8:48 AM   #8
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Sorry you're going through this, sincerely. Much as you do love him, it almost sounds like, through writing everything down, you're realizing this isn't the relationship for you at the moment.

I agree with the above that you really, really need to take into account his mental state. Which is just not stable, and will not stabilize quickly, regardless of whether he starts seeing someone, gets on the right meds, whatever. That will be a long, arduous process, perhaps too long and arduous for two people who are very young and there's nothing major at stake (kids, marriage, etc.).

Also, the clash with friends/family: that may just be how things are. You don't want to be in a relationship that functions only in a bubble, where you two are good when it's just the two of you, but the dynamic corrodes when others are around.

I can relate to a lot of this, in ways. Ended a relationship 6 months ago with a woman who has mental issues and our social circles just didn't quite mesh. It was, and remains, very hard. For a long time I really kept clinging to various stories about how it could work, but with enough space I came to (or have started to) accept that there were so many variables at play that it was hard to imagine it ever really, really working in ways that we both need. If you allow for some time and space, I think you'll start seeing that too.
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Old 26th March 2018, 10:07 AM   #9
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So Dallas...

So Dallas...

I want you to re-read what you wrote about your break up.

Then I want you to answer this question: Why is it that you want to be with a rich mamas boy who is actually kind of a man child to boot?

And "I Love Him" is not good enough, because you have to ask why you love him.

Why would you subject yourself to a man like this and his family.

I look at things like this, and maybe you should too: If a woman does not want to be with me then see you later, because there a literally thousands of women in my area that do.

And as an FYI, if you are from Dallas, the stuck up people in Big D are some of the worst collection of people like that in the world.

Everyone is Texas, a huge state BTW, despises them. Literally, you cannot find more than a hand full of people in the state that don't feel that way.

I truly think you are better of in so many ways.
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