used then dumped,my fault?

[seejay1]

Hi,first post so not really sure what to expect.anyway im 30 years old and just been dumped by my girlfriend of 3 years,shes 20.i know its a big age gap but we didnt think it mattered at the time.we started dating not long after her break up with her previous boyfriend who was pretty nasty to her.things were going great apart from the fact that she was very needy emotionally and cried at the slightest bad comment that people said to her.although i felt sorry for her my feelings grew deeper as apart from her insecurities, most of the time she was a bubbly person and we made each other laugh so i didnt mind her need for reasurrance in her life as we were really fallig for each other. but after about 6 months her woe is me attitude to life started to outwiegh the spark that we had and i guess i changed,i stopped being so understanding and at times lost my temper wich obviously didnt help.then her interest in me changed and she started going out with her friends more which i was cool about cuz i trusted her and nobody owns nobody.big mistake!! a friend at work told me he saw her in a nightclub kissing every guy she clapped eyes on.i went ballistic and she actully confessed to seeing a guy for about a month!i wanted to finish it but the waterworks and the "il change"crap came out so stupidly i went back with her.at tht point i was so hurt and confused i didnt know what my feelings were. she did change and in fact went completely the opposite and wanted to see me constantly and rang me throughout the day which was great at first but i became suffercated by her needyness again and after a while i started to see her differently.anyway a year ago i was getting to the stage where i felt like her counseller and the relationship was too one sided as she never gave me support with anything.i began getting angry with her alot again and became quite verbally abusive at times as i was so drained with it all.again she gave me emotional blackmail and this time said she was going to commit suicide.wrong or right i felt terrible. she kept telling me how horrible ive been so id appolagise and we kept in touch, albeit just as friends.for the past year she had become depressed and had problems with her weight and even though we were just friends i still had feelings for her.she got into debt so she would prank me to use my credit,ask to meet me so i could give her a lift to work and ring me when she has a problem.now and again telling me she loves me!2 weeks ago we had an arguement and i upset her again she told me how nasty i was and put the phone down. i left it a while then tried riging her to say sorry and see how she was but she ignored me which was unusual cuz after a while shed ring me as if nothing happened.i wanted to find out what was going on so i texted her and asked are you ignoring me cuz ur upset or have you met someone,her reply was that she`d met someone.so rang again this time she answered and was really angry,ive never hered her swear before or be so angry but she just said "uve got a split personality,ive met someone who im really happy with,im going to meet him now so dont ring again" i was totally stunned!i left a message basically saying ive made a fool of myself enough and i will leave her alone.which i will but i feel ive been used for so long. like ive said ive been angry with her and said some nasty things through fustration but i used to be an outgoing confident person but in the last few months ive become depressed with low self asteem.so why do i miss her?i cant stop thinking of her with someone else im going mad!to everyone else shes still that bubbly person who smiles all the time but they dont know what i know.im no saint and i get angry when i feel im being used ive tried to tell her thats the reason but she always made me believe shes not.weve gone through all this and im the one left alone with all the blame. ive read a few long posts and just realized mines pretty longwinded but i had to tell the whole story.can anyone help me to regain my sanity!!? chris

[Jeannie]

It stings to go thru a breakup - I'm going thru the same thing.

 

There's alot of emotions happening when a relationship ends. I'm pissed off royal right now because here I tried to break it off with my ex MANY times and he kept wanting to make it work. Now he decides he wants to end it on his terms. Okay, whatever - he wins.

 

I'm just a fool because I've known for the past year it would never work - I kept giving him chances and hoping for change so I just prolonged the agony and tortured myself that much longer.

 

But, I lived, I loved - tried to make it work myself but it won't so it's time to close this chapter in my life and move on. At least we gave love a shot - crushed self esteem is part of the deal - I'm having a major dose of it right now - I feel stupid, humiliated and, well.......really stupid.

 

But I'll live and get over it - I just gotta check into heartbreak hotel for a while and lick my wounds.

[seejay1]

i know ive been a total fool to put up with emotional blachmail for the past year when deep down i knew things wernt going to change. i used to say to her so many times that a relationship is both ways you need to listen and support each other,otherwise one just ends up counselling the other.sometimes she`d agree so we would meet up and i would be optamistic we would talk through our problems,only to find that id get there and she`d act like there was nothing wrong.id start a conversation and it would be like "lets just try and get on" and we would for a couple of weeks until she`d come on the phone balling her eyes out about something trivial.i remember a couple of months into our relationship one of my best friends had died of cancer and i was obviously devastated,and although she stayed on the phone with me for sometime she said "i dont know what to say,im not very good at supporting people when theyre upset" so the warning signs were already there!

 

i totaly admit that i would get angry and say some nasty things to her sometimes through fustration.that would just fuel her to say im a horrible person and that i dont care.

 

a few months ago she started to contact me less,like once a week,i felt like i didnt exist so i met someone new a really nice girl.i knew it wouldt get serious cus she was moving to start a new job which i was cool with.well my ex found out and was like "how can you do this to me,i wouldnt do this to you.whats her name?,how how old is she?have you slept with her?

 

i was so confused!! she seemed so hurt and i guess i still had feelings for her so we started meeting again

 

well it didnt last long and after another big arguement mostly by me-she tells me shes blissfully happy with someone new and to leave her alone

 

i think i sooo have to learn(and in your case too jeeney)that in future if things start going wrong in a relationship and you know after a while of trying to sort things out nothings going to change-dont feel sorry for them and believe that things will just work themselves out cus they wont.get the hell out of there before they end up dumping you in the end and leaving you feeling humilliated-cus they will!