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My boyfriend broke up with me in a cruel way and I can't understand why.


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 8th March 2018, 9:20 AM   #1
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My boyfriend broke up with me in a cruel way and I can't understand why.

We were together for 1 year, he was my first boyfriend, he was so attentive at first, giving me flowers, picking me up from school at night, he even took me to Europe for 3 months with him while he was working, at my birthday he took me to Paris but he was also insecure, he believed that I was going to cheat on him, when he was angry he said very hurtful things to me like "you have no self love" "you are immature" "you act like crazy sometimes" he even tried to break up with me by texts sometimes. Was he an abusive person or maybe it was my fault because I was very intense or I got angry over small issues like he cancelling our plans?
When we fought, he used to turn off his phone at night while I was awake all night with my anxiety killing me.

Last Sunday he broke up with me by phone, he told me to never contact him again and that he is not ok to be in a relationship. But I still love him because when he was not like that he was like the perfect boyfriend and I do not understand.

My head is a mess and I would appreciate some honest advice.
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:29 AM   #2
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From the dumpee's perspective every break up is cruel. It hurts to get rejected.

I don't see where your BF did anything particularly cruel. He told you his impression of some of your behaviors. If he tried to break up with you in the past, that says your relationship had flaws you aren't acknowledging. Granted text is a lousy way to break up with someone but I'll chalk that up to a generational thing; IMO people can't interact with others without a device between them these days.

When he would turn his phone off after an argument it was his way of saying he needed some space to calm down & collect his thoughts. Since you mention anxiety & anger, if you are being truthful do you acknowledge that if his phone wasn't off you would have been blowing it up while you were stewing about what happened? He probably turned it off for some self preservation.

It wasn't your fault that the relationship ended. Very few people end up spending their life time with their 1st BF/GF. Chalk it up as a learning experience.

Just because the good times were good doesn't mean the relationship as a whole was healthy. Given the fact that he previously tried to break up with you on more then one occasion, that he had to resort to turning his phone off, that you would get angry with him . . . this was probably more dysfunctional then you are aware.

First loves are tough. You never experienced any of this . . .the good or the bad before. However you will get through it. Talk to your BFFs & your mom. Self soothe. Grieve but keep moving forward & leave him alone. He has made it quite clear that he's done & does not want further interaction. Respect his wishes.
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:36 AM   #3
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I'm sorry you are hurting.

I see your boyfriend as very immature. Just know, the next guy you date will help you to understand this. Remember the nice things he did, he will always be your first love. And know, there is better in the future for you when you meet the man with whom you will spend your life.
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:43 AM   #4
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Who he was in the beginning is not necessarily who he actually was in reality. I know that’s hard to wrap your mind around but it’s true. I’m not sure about the absoluteness of the break up; the ‘never contact me again’ thing. It does seem excessively harsh but if he’s as you say - cruel - then that would explain it. Don’t be surprised if he comes back in hopes of teaching you a lesson. You said it yourself about the abuse so this isn’t the person for you. Feelings of love don’t trump over the fact that it was a toxic relationship. The ‘but I love him’ story doesn’t cut it.

I know it doesn’t feel like it but you will get past this and love again. Let yourself grieve and heal and never, ever allow him back into your life again.

Last edited by bathtub-row; 8th March 2018 at 9:46 AM..
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:28 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
From the dumpee's perspective every break up is cruel. It hurts to get rejected.

I don't see where your BF did anything particularly cruel. He told you his impression of some of your behaviors. If he tried to break up with you in the past, that says your relationship had flaws you aren't acknowledging. Granted text is a lousy way to break up with someone but I'll chalk that up to a generational thing; IMO people can't interact with others without a device between them these days.

When he would turn his phone off after an argument it was his way of saying he needed some space to calm down & collect his thoughts. Since you mention anxiety & anger, if you are being truthful do you acknowledge that if his phone wasn't off you would have been blowing it up while you were stewing about what happened? He probably turned it off for some self preservation.

It wasn't your fault that the relationship ended. Very few people end up spending their life time with their 1st BF/GF. Chalk it up as a learning experience.

Just because the good times were good doesn't mean the relationship as a whole was healthy. Given the fact that he previously tried to break up with you on more then one occasion, that he had to resort to turning his phone off, that you would get angry with him . . . this was probably more dysfunctional then you are aware.

First loves are tough. You never experienced any of this . . .the good or the bad before. However you will get through it. Talk to your BFFs & your mom. Self soothe. Grieve but keep moving forward & leave him alone. He has made it quite clear that he's done & does not want further interaction. Respect his wishes.


God I feel like im reading my relationship word for word. Id make all the plans and get overwhelmed. Sometimes id cancel just to have some downtime. She was still included but we didn't do the original plan. She would get so upset with me.


Also the constant blowing up of my phone during arguments. From my point of view, not answering immediately was a way to let the situation cool down a bit so we could address it properly. Some people don't like being under attack like that.


OP I wouldn't be totally surprised if you heard from him again but you should take a little time for some introspect. Good luck
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:56 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Carly19 View Post
when he was not like that he was like the perfect boyfriend
???... this is kind of like saying "I am great at playing tennis, except when I miss the ball". The fact is, he was like that, therefore he was not the perfect boyfriend. For you, anyway.

It seems to me like you're been artificially extending the life of this bad relationship for far too long. It's pretty clear you're not well matched and this relationship is not going to last. It seems that he has accepted this, and broken up with you. Now you need to accept it too.

I'm sorry it's painful. But you need to think with your head, not your heart.
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Old 8th March 2018, 1:46 PM   #7
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If you don't know by now, guys are on their very best pretend behavior at the beginning of dating. If we all married guys after dating for two weeks, in nine months, we'd be looking at thing going, Who are you? Guys act nicest at the beginning to get sex and to get you wanting them. Once they know they've got you, IF they're not genuine (and how many of us is really genuine on the first few dates), they relax and start to show their real self.

The longer you know a person, the more of that real person you see. So hope this helps you in the future. The nice guy at the beginning was fake. This is the real guy. Always try to date awhile before you give your heart. Give time to find out at least which way he's trending, for better or for worse. It's usually the latter, but a really good guy will only get better the more attached he becomes to you.
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Old 8th March 2018, 7:32 PM   #8
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hey i just had same thing similar happen to me last week ,except my gf was the one who broke up with me. we spent 3yrs n 2months together , i was gonna propose nxt yr. She lied, cheated for 2out of 3yrs with multiple partners, had recurring utis as a result, no empathy, just plain cruel. Its been 10days am just livid at how auwful she was and i was fooled. if i had a time machine i will go back to 2014 december and tell myself to **** off from the relationship. Your boyfriend is a NARCISSIST. He will suck the life out of you if he continued. He lives off ur frustration. The best decision to do is cry urself out, He will never gie u closure. He will treat u cold so he can contrl you but dont be controlled. It is okay to cry for 5days or so straight but let it be the last tear u eve shed. Use that rage to work out in the gym. Then read up on NARCISSISM . it is pure evil what they do to people that care like us. He did u a favor make sure u kick him to curb. Delete him like he never existed. Block him off all social media. It is okay if u feel like ****, i felt like **** all last week but reading up and knwing what ii know now. She doesnt deserve me. Wirte or type down a nasty email but never send it to them. Send it to ur self. A reminder of how ****ed up he is. Talk to friends and express ur emotions then rage on. Its been 10days for me but i ve soo much anger at my ex that i would kick her tothe curb if she ever came bck in the future. I feel like i must warn people off from NARCS they are blood suckers. be happy you got away. read up on narcissism ,watc youtube videos about t. They are not humans they are scums, emotional manipulators and once u call them out they run far away from you. Send me a message i can explain more. Dnt worry in 10days if u follow what i just said ull will feel anger at how stupid u were and the signs u dismissed in less than 2weeks. I did
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Old 10th March 2018, 7:52 AM   #9
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Rejection is never fun.
It can be really easy in or after a relationship to let that relationship or the absence of it be all consuming. It can be really easy to lose who you are and the dreams that God has placed in your heart. (Or it can be easy to let the dreams of the two of you to replace previous dreams that you have had. )

I would encourage you to strengthen your support system, whether it be family, friends, or joining a church. Heartache after a breakup is normal. I would encourage you if you feel like you are stuck in the grief or feel overwhelmed to reach out to a professional/licensed counselor.

There are books written on the topic as well. Have you ever read Mended Heart by Susie Larson?

Hope that helps!
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