How long I will miss him so much?

[kheratha]

Hy, my first post here...so be gentle..

 

At the beginning of march last year I met this guy who I truly believed I'd been waiting for all my life. I'm 44 yo.

 

We met each other online...it was la LDR (same country)..we saw each other every wkd and we had amazing mind connection and incredible sex...everything was sooooo perfect...he did stuff like it never happened to me before...like he appeared at my office after a 7 hours driving just to bring me flowers...and hundreds thing like that...

 

We had plans to move together...marry....all included.

 

Buuut...I have 2 kids from my previous marriage and I knew from the begging he is not into kids..

 

Long story short...in Nov 2017...I felt like the things are about to be not so pink like I thought..and I broke up with him telling him that I am not happy anymore...

 

So..I went 3 wks NO CONTACT..and after this 3 wks I ask him to come back to me (it was really bad for me...XANAX included ) which he did...

 

But nothing was good since than...he told me he cannot be a father figure for my kids (which I never asked to be)...

 

But all this time he told me I am the love of his life...he cannot live without me and things like that...he is 45 yo...I just couldn't believe that someone just saying things at this age...just to be said...

 

So..the end...2 weeks ago I received an sms:

 

"I want to stop this, I am not happy anymore in our relationship, I wanted to tell you earlier but I didn't have the strength, I cannot take it anymore, I was just an idiot who messed up with your life, in my idiot way I really loved you.. PLIZ, DON'T CONTACT ME, COZ I HAVE NO EXPLANATION TO GIVE YOU" ..

 

So..I didn't really saw it coming...but I understand I have to go on with my life...I don't even wonder why this happened, coz I knew it...it' s a pattern for him to do so (from his previous experiences)...but IS SO HAAAARD...I am not young anymore...I thought this guy is the last......that I finally met the true love...bla bla)

 

Pliz, tell me...I am in NC (forced NC anyway )...how long it will take to get over him?

From your personal experience, not movies and books?

It is harder everyday...

 

 

PS: excuse my English...I am from east Europe.

[HumanMachine]

A week.. a few months.. years.. never

 

Everybody is different, help yourself by removing him from social media and blocking him. Do whatever it takes to move on from this guy.

[healing light]

Grief is an individual process. There is no text book explanation of how long it will take to get rid of heartbreak. I think a lot of it has to do with your background, how much you loved someone, the hopes and dreams you attached to the person, etc. On the extreme end, it took me a few days to get over a guy I wasn't into when the relationship went south and years to get over an emotional affair with a guy I really cared about but never even dated (!).

 

So, no one can tell you how long. What we can tell you is that no contact is a good rule of thumb to adopt going forward in your healing process if you truly wish to move on from this man. He already let you know that you won't get any more of an explanation from him, so unfortunately closure is something you will have to find within yourself.

 

Generally speaking, you will probably feel much better if you allow the emotions to come up as they do--don't suppress them. Journal here if you have to for emotional support. Be kind to yourself. Focus on nourishing yourself physically through proper rest and food. Take up a hobby, etc. to fill your life so that you aren't alone with just your grief.

 

Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

We can't predict how long it will take you, OP. None of us have the same thought patterns and emotional processing so what is true in our experience might be completely irrelevant for you.

 

I would say a good few months in any case, on average. Healing light had some good advice; feel your sadness and channel it when you need to. Find some activities to get them out so you don'd hold everything in.

[kheratha]

I did block him (not because I think he will try to reach.. but for myself..not to stare at the phone all night long:D).

 

I keep a journal...I keep myself busy...I know it will pass (is not my first break up, but this one is breathtaking...)

 

But I want to hear stories...like how good you are after moved on..how great your life turned to..things like that

[CrazyKatLady]

Hi there, sorry you are having to cope with this right now. It seems like you may have had an inclination that a breakup was forthcoming, since you broke off first?

It does take your breath away when they walk away for good...

I'm in month two, going on three months and don't feel better for the breakup yet, mostly because it messed with my career since we were in the same environment when the relationship initially started.

I want to clarify that I do feel better in terms of not thinking of him often, but I don't feel better off yet for having this experience of a painful, adult breakup...but, it does get better in terms of missing the other person/thinking of them often, etc.

Idk how long it will take for your feelings to pass, but they will, for the most part. No contact makes it worse for the dumpee I think, but it must be the dumpers ultimate form of exerting control over something that must have been uncontrollable for them in the relationship.

As the other posts said, just let your feelings come as they do through the process and after some time, you will feel a little better. I had some support through an ex that helped (emotional). You may benefit from finding someone who will tell you that you are worth the best, or counseling where you can talk it out with someone who will listen. It may seem like a lot of work to try to find a counselor, but church or community resources are generally free--it really does help to talk it out with a person, face-to-face. When you are ready to do so, I would encourage this route. Women are talkers, we feel better when we get emotional support through talking about our feelings. I hope that you feel better soon.

[kheratha]

Hi there, sorry you are having to cope with this right now. It seems like you may have had an inclination that a breakup was forthcoming, since you broke off first?

It does take your breath away when they walk away for good...

I'm in month two, going on three months and don't feel better for the breakup yet, mostly because it messed with my career since we were in the same environment when the relationship initially started.

I want to clarify that I do feel better in terms of not thinking of him often, but I don't feel better off yet for having this experience of a painful, adult breakup...but, it does get better in terms of missing the other person/thinking of them often, etc.

Idk how long it will take for your feelings to pass, but they will, for the most part. No contact makes it worse for the dumpee I think, but it must be the dumpers ultimate form of exerting control over something that must have been uncontrollable for them in the relationship.

As the other posts said, just let your feelings come as they do through the process and after some time, you will feel a little better. I had some support through an ex that helped (emotional). You may benefit from finding someone who will tell you that you are worth the best, or counseling where you can talk it out with someone who will listen. It may seem like a lot of work to try to find a counselor, but church or community resources are generally free--it really does help to talk it out with a person, face-to-face. When you are ready to do so, I would encourage this route. Women are talkers, we feel better when we get emotional support through talking about our feelings. I hope that you feel better soon.

 

 

Thank you,

 

the NC certainly does work for us..in order to move on...at least I really hope so...anyway is nothing left to say considering the way he broke up with me.. but for God sake, I am 44 years old! Why am I having these hard times...I thought this can happen only when we are young and not prepared...

 

On the other hand...is the first time when I met a guy like this..."working" on a women only to make her totally fall in love with him...like all he wants is to value himself...

 

I know it wasn't meant to be...he wasn't good for me and my kids..but it's hurt so much...instead of relief..I feel worse everyday...

[Rainah]

Sounds like your both doing the right thing by going nc to heal.

 

It is difficult the older we get the more harder it is to find a childless relationship.

 

I have always kept my distance with guys with children due to the thought of being a 'step mum' overwhelms me and makes me feel bad. Its a daunting thing for me to think about as I over think every situation as well as feeling you disappoint the person for not really wanting to be involved much in the children's life as being somewhat a role model.

 

I can understand how he proberbly feels overwhelmed with not reaching certain expectations inside his mind, even though you have proberbly reassured him that the kids are your periority not his, it still possibly made him feel bad.

 

The right guy will come along and he will be perfect for you and want to be part of your children's lives as well.

[kheratha]

Sounds like your both doing the right thing by going nc to heal.

 

 

I can understand how he proberbly feels overwhelmed with not reaching certain expectations inside his mind, even though you have proberbly reassured him that the kids are your periority not his, it still possibly made him feel bad.

 

The right guy will come along and he will be perfect for you and want to be part of your children's lives as well.

 

Well, thank you..you probably are right about him being overwhelmed...I am his first gf with kids...but the thing is...eventually doesn't matter the reasons of his decision, if he was really into me...he could at least try to discuss, to figure out if we can or cannot work together as a family...the way he did it at 45 yo by sending an sms say enough for me ...but doesn't hurt less