Still clinging to hope

[loveandtheft]

Apologies for the lengthy post.

 

At the beginning of last year I met the girl who I truly believed I'd been waiting for all my life. I'm 37. We had loads in common, had amazing sex and mainly got on very well.

 

Unfortunately, I met her at possibly the worst time in my life to be entering a relationship.

 

I'm a freelancer and due to a number of circumstances I won't go into right now, my work had started to dry up and I had very little money. Things had gotten so bad that I had to move out of my flat and was sleeping on my sister's floor.

 

Unfortunately my stupid male pride led me to lying about my living situation (I told her I had a room in a shared flat) in the early dating stages and by the time I was into a full relationship I felt too embarrassed to come clean. My ex was obviously very suspicious as to why she was never allowed to visit my flat, but sort of accepted it and we just hung out at hers.

 

My money issues plagued the relationship. She was always paying for us to do stuff, and although she tried to help and support when I was looking for a new job, she started to resent paying for everything. This eventually led to us breaking up in September. I went NC immediately but caved after a week and a half when I saw her on a dating site. Unfortunately the fear and paranoia of thinking about her with another man led to another big lie. I told her I'd got a job and things would be different now.

 

We got back together shortly after, and I did actually get a job. Although only temporary one, and not the much better one I'd told my ex I'd got. The last few months we were together were amazing. I finally had money and was much happier and relaxed in the relationship. We talked about marriage, kids all that good cliched stuff.

 

Then in November the S hit the F. My ex went on my phone one night while I was asleep. She'd actually seen me time in my passcode and memorised it. She was paranoid about me talking to an ex who I broke up with 4 years ago. I was always completely open with her about this. I'd told her I still speak to this particular ex but that there was nothing to worry about. And ironically there wasn't. What she did find out however, is that I'd been lying about my living situation, and my job.

 

 

At first my ex was angry but understanding. She said she could see why I'd done it and still loved me. The next week however we had a big drunken argument about it in a club. I resented her for looking on my phone in the first place and couldn't bring myself to apologise or comfort her in the way she needed. We got back to hers and I finally offered to talk but she said she wanted me to leave, which I did.

 

She whatsapped me the next day to say she still loved and I replied that I loved her too. She then said that even though we'd argued she still cared about me. I ignored her for three days, because I was still bitter that she'd made me leave and had been on my phone etc. When i eventually messaged her I told her how sorry I was about the night at the club and she replied saying she thought she could get over my lying but clearly couldn't and that we should meet to talk about it, I agreed.

 

We never really had that talk, because I kept delaying it. I was worried that I'd be seeing her for the last time and didn't want to put myself through it. She took this as me being aloof about the relationship and became even more upset.

 

 

We eventually spoke properly on whatsapp in December. She said that she'd thought i was the one "but the person i fell in love with just a lie" and that I'd tainted every nice memory of us together. We spoke all day and I managed to convince her to meet me. We met at hers, got very drunk and had sex. The next morning she told me that we weren't back together and she wasn't sure how she felt about me anymore. She asked how long she thought it would take me to get myself together re my job and living situation. She is going on a trip round the world for three months in February and admitted that when we broke up in November she'd had it in her mind that we wouldn't see each other until she got back in May, when we could maybe try again.

 

I left hers feeling sad but also hopeful for the future. That night she messaged me and asked if I wanted to meet the following day. We had a lovely evening at hers drinking mulled wine and watching Christmas. We had sex again and I stayed over. Not wanting to come on too strong, I suggested we meet again in the New Year, but she said she wanted to meet sooner than that. So we arranged to meet in a few days time.

 

Unfortunately on the day we were supposed to meet I got a really bad cold, and messaged her in the morning letting her know that although i still wanted to meet, i probably wouldn't be much fun and wouldn't want to go out as i was feeling so rough. We bickered about it for 20 minutes ago until she said "don't come round, you're ill and i don't feel like playing nurse tonight". I replied: "that is such a nasty, selfish thing to say" and then went back to sleep.

 

About 4 hours later she sent a very long message telling me that after everything I'd put her through i should be doing everything i can to make it up to her, and having a cold was no excuse. She blocked me on whatsapp and text, she even blocked me on Instagram to stop me messaging her there.

 

 

I went into a complete tailspin. I withheld my number so I could call her and left a long emotional rambling message asking her to unblock me. I went to the area she works in and left another message saying I was close by if she wanted to talk (embarrassing and creepy, I know). I didn't see her.

The next day I sent another long rambling email apologising. Then I left it and went completely NC.

 

A week later I received a missed call from her on Whatsapp at 2 in the morning. I assume she'd unblocked me to see if I was online and accidentally called, because I was still blocked when I saw it.

 

Another couple of weeks later I noticed she'd changed her Twitter settings to accept messages from anyone. I thought this was strange as she's never had this setting before, has a locked account and is generally very secure with her social media. I wondered if she was leaving a door open for me to message, or wanted to know that I missed her at least.

 

 

This Sunday, after 5 and a half weeks of no contact, I had to sort of break it. I had always promised that I would pay back the money she lent me earlier in the relationship, and the guilt was eating me alive. I simply did a bank transfer with 'money I owe you' in the memo line. She emailed the same day with a very closed message which simply said "Just received your transfer. Very much appreciated, thank you. Take care". I replied saying "No problem. Take care too." I didn't want to reply to her email and properly break NC, but I thought it might look petty not to.

 

To be honest, her email thanking me for the money has put me back to square 1. I was hoping that what she said previously about her trip still stands. That she'd try to make contact when she got back in May, and had changed her twitter settings with that in mind. But her response was so cold and closed. I felt like I did the right thing by paying her back, and I wasn't sure if she'd respond at all, but her actual response has made me incredibly sad and anxious.

 

 

The problem here is that I'm refusing to let go. At 37 years old I finally met "the one", and I messed it all up.

 

 

Thoughts?

[dumbass2]

Yeah, sounds like you were not in the position to get into a serious relationship. All of the lying means she will never trust you again. I can understand why she got into your phone, which is wrong, but it just shows you that the relationship could never grow after all of the lies. You know you're not ready for a relationship when you have to do what you did. That's not fair to the other person. Of course she resents you now. Leave her alone and get your act together and down the road try dating other people again. But not until you can be confident in yourself and not have to lie. There is no going back to this one, so just leave her alone. Besides, you are not ready to even make a serious go if it even if she wanted to. You'd be right back on here because she leave you once again because the trust issues don't go away..

[loveandtheft]

Yeah, sounds like you were not in the position to get into a serious relationship. All of the lying means she will never trust you again. I can understand why she got into your phone, which is wrong, but it just shows you that the relationship could never grow after all of the lies. You know you're not ready for a relationship when you have to do what you did. That's not fair to the other person. Of course she resents you now. Leave her alone and get your act together and down the road try dating other people again. But not until you can be confident in yourself and not have to lie. There is no going back to this one, so just leave her alone. Besides, you are not ready to even make a serious go if it even if she wanted to. You'd be right back on here because she leave you once again because the trust issues don't go away..

 

 

Thanks for the reply. Sadly, I think you may be right. I guess I'm confused because she was sending very mixed signals towards the end. The day after our final meeting she was texting telling me she loved me and saying things like "if we're still together next year we can spend Christmas together" etc.

 

I guess she just had a change of heart?

[Zahara]

Thanks for the reply. Sadly, I think you may be right. I guess I'm confused because she was sending very mixed signals towards the end. The day after our final meeting she was texting telling me she loved me and saying things like "if we're still together next year we can spend Christmas together" etc.

 

I guess she just had a change of heart?

 

She was probably finding it hard herself to let go but has likely reached a stage where she's done. Trust is usually lost and difficult to regain once it is broken.

 

I would suggest you embrace the ending and stay NC. She may reach out to you -- let her come to you, is she wishes to do so and you can decide from there.

[loveandtheft]

Thanks Zahara, what makes you think she may reach out to me?

[CantTakeMySmile]

Thanks Zahara, what makes you think she may reach out to me?

 

 

 

I think she may reach out to you, or she may not.. you just don't know. You can't let the "what if" be any more than it is... just have to allow things to happen organically.

[Zahara]

Thanks Zahara, what makes you think she may reach out to me?

 

I don't know if she will -- she may never. No one knows. But if she does, then you can decide from there. Use this time to heal and reflect.

[clam]

She is correct - everything she thought about you, about the relationship , was a big lie. You didn’t trust her enough in the beginning to show her your true self, warts and all. These were not small lies you told her.

 

Also, sounds like a lot of game playing on your side, what with choosing not to reply to some of her texts, calls, etc. essentially ghosting her (even if it it was briefly). The old “I’ll let her stew a bit before I answer” in order not to appear over eager, or to call the shots for if and when you’ll be available to her. Well, it backfired on you. For someone who is 37, you have quite a bit of maturing to do.

 

Use this time to heal and work on yourself. Stay single until you’ve really gotten over her and learned how not to make those same mistakes — it’s really not fair to put anyone through all that. And don’t be afraid to show the next person your authentic self. Living a lie (in your case, many lies) is EXHAUSTING.

Edited February 1, 2018 by clam

[James01]

Apologies for the lengthy post.

 

At the beginning of last year I met the girl who I truly believed I'd been waiting for all my life. I'm 37. We had loads in common, had amazing sex and mainly got on very well.

 

Unfortunately, I met her at possibly the worst time in my life to be entering a relationship.

 

I'm a freelancer and due to a number of circumstances I won't go into right now, my work had started to dry up and I had very little money. Things had gotten so bad that I had to move out of my flat and was sleeping on my sister's floor.

 

Unfortunately my stupid male pride led me to lying about my living situation (I told her I had a room in a shared flat) in the early dating stages and by the time I was into a full relationship I felt too embarrassed to come clean. My ex was obviously very suspicious as to why she was never allowed to visit my flat, but sort of accepted it and we just hung out at hers.

 

My money issues plagued the relationship. She was always paying for us to do stuff, and although she tried to help and support when I was looking for a new job, she started to resent paying for everything. This eventually led to us breaking up in September. I went NC immediately but caved after a week and a half when I saw her on a dating site. Unfortunately the fear and paranoia of thinking about her with another man led to another big lie. I told her I'd got a job and things would be different now.

 

We got back together shortly after, and I did actually get a job. Although only temporary one, and not the much better one I'd told my ex I'd got. The last few months we were together were amazing. I finally had money and was much happier and relaxed in the relationship. We talked about marriage, kids all that good cliched stuff.

 

Then in November the S hit the F. My ex went on my phone one night while I was asleep. She'd actually seen me time in my passcode and memorised it. She was paranoid about me talking to an ex who I broke up with 4 years ago. I was always completely open with her about this. I'd told her I still speak to this particular ex but that there was nothing to worry about. And ironically there wasn't. What she did find out however, is that I'd been lying about my living situation, and my job.

 

 

At first my ex was angry but understanding. She said she could see why I'd done it and still loved me. The next week however we had a big drunken argument about it in a club. I resented her for looking on my phone in the first place and couldn't bring myself to apologise or comfort her in the way she needed. We got back to hers and I finally offered to talk but she said she wanted me to leave, which I did.

 

She whatsapped me the next day to say she still loved and I replied that I loved her too. She then said that even though we'd argued she still cared about me. I ignored her for three days, because I was still bitter that she'd made me leave and had been on my phone etc. When i eventually messaged her I told her how sorry I was about the night at the club and she replied saying she thought she could get over my lying but clearly couldn't and that we should meet to talk about it, I agreed.

 

We never really had that talk, because I kept delaying it. I was worried that I'd be seeing her for the last time and didn't want to put myself through it. She took this as me being aloof about the relationship and became even more upset.

 

 

We eventually spoke properly on whatsapp in December. She said that she'd thought i was the one "but the person i fell in love with just a lie" and that I'd tainted every nice memory of us together. We spoke all day and I managed to convince her to meet me. We met at hers, got very drunk and had sex. The next morning she told me that we weren't back together and she wasn't sure how she felt about me anymore. She asked how long she thought it would take me to get myself together re my job and living situation. She is going on a trip round the world for three months in February and admitted that when we broke up in November she'd had it in her mind that we wouldn't see each other until she got back in May, when we could maybe try again.

 

I left hers feeling sad but also hopeful for the future. That night she messaged me and asked if I wanted to meet the following day. We had a lovely evening at hers drinking mulled wine and watching Christmas. We had sex again and I stayed over. Not wanting to come on too strong, I suggested we meet again in the New Year, but she said she wanted to meet sooner than that. So we arranged to meet in a few days time.

 

Unfortunately on the day we were supposed to meet I got a really bad cold, and messaged her in the morning letting her know that although i still wanted to meet, i probably wouldn't be much fun and wouldn't want to go out as i was feeling so rough. We bickered about it for 20 minutes ago until she said "don't come round, you're ill and i don't feel like playing nurse tonight". I replied: "that is such a nasty, selfish thing to say" and then went back to sleep.

 

About 4 hours later she sent a very long message telling me that after everything I'd put her through i should be doing everything i can to make it up to her, and having a cold was no excuse. She blocked me on whatsapp and text, she even blocked me on Instagram to stop me messaging her there.

 

 

I went into a complete tailspin. I withheld my number so I could call her and left a long emotional rambling message asking her to unblock me. I went to the area she works in and left another message saying I was close by if she wanted to talk (embarrassing and creepy, I know). I didn't see her.

The next day I sent another long rambling email apologising. Then I left it and went completely NC.

 

A week later I received a missed call from her on Whatsapp at 2 in the morning. I assume she'd unblocked me to see if I was online and accidentally called, because I was still blocked when I saw it.

 

Another couple of weeks later I noticed she'd changed her Twitter settings to accept messages from anyone. I thought this was strange as she's never had this setting before, has a locked account and is generally very secure with her social media. I wondered if she was leaving a door open for me to message, or wanted to know that I missed her at least.

 

 

This Sunday, after 5 and a half weeks of no contact, I had to sort of break it. I had always promised that I would pay back the money she lent me earlier in the relationship, and the guilt was eating me alive. I simply did a bank transfer with 'money I owe you' in the memo line. She emailed the same day with a very closed message which simply said "Just received your transfer. Very much appreciated, thank you. Take care". I replied saying "No problem. Take care too." I didn't want to reply to her email and properly break NC, but I thought it might look petty not to.

 

To be honest, her email thanking me for the money has put me back to square 1. I was hoping that what she said previously about her trip still stands. That she'd try to make contact when she got back in May, and had changed her twitter settings with that in mind. But her response was so cold and closed. I felt like I did the right thing by paying her back, and I wasn't sure if she'd respond at all, but her actual response has made me incredibly sad and anxious.

 

 

The problem here is that I'm refusing to let go. At 37 years old I finally met "the one", and I messed it all up.

 

 

Thoughts?

 

I’m going through something almost the same I’ll if you still love her tell her how you feel

[loveandtheft]

Reason we split up here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/651128-still-clinging-hope#post7526872

 

I don't know if this is all a culmination of her going on her 3 month trip last week and it being her birthday yesterday, but I feel absolutely hopeless right now. This morning I woke up full of anxiety after a bad night's sleep and made the mistake of checking her Facebook page. She'd posted a picture from her first stop in Hong Kong. I guess it made her being away more "real". I cried uncontrollably.

 

I really miss her. The last two months have been absolute hell on earth, and I think I feel worse now than I did on day one. I'm so sad that I can't speak to her and find out how she is while she's away. Her trip was such a big part of our relationship and I always imagined we'd be in contact when she left and that I'd wait for her.

 

The pain I'm feeling right now is intense and indescribable. I can't remember ever being this sad. I've spent the last two weeks in bed. I've literally had no energy or desire to face the world, and I wake up every morning with a physical pain in my stomach which rarely subsides during the day. The day she left the country I didn't even get up to eat.

 

At this point, I'd do anything just to be friends with her again. Just to know what time it is where she is and how her trip is going.

 

 

Edit - After looking at her FB page I thought I might as well go all out and check her other social media. I can't see what's on her main Twitter account because it's private, but she does have a public account which she uses just for @-ing various companies etc. It's a completely anonymous account, none of her friends know about it except for me. She has followers but very rarely posts anything personal on it. I noticed that a couple of weeks ago she posted two pictures of herself - something she has *never* done in the 3 years she has had the account. She is wearing a sexy dress and new glasses (she knew I liked glasses on a woman but never wore her old ones much during our relationship) She also posted three updates about her holiday. She's been on shorter holidays before and never used that account to post about them.

 

 

Is she playing games? She knows I'll probably stalk her accounts at some point. Or am I distorting reality and turning a coincidence into something it isn't?

Edited February 25, 2018 by loveandtheft

[Young mind]

Hang in there , birthdays are the worst and all the memories keep flooding back.

 

We can scream how much you should block her on social media but realistically, you won't, but it's always good to do so, thus you won't see those updates and analyzing every little detail.if you can't get yourself to do so, try to interpret those posts as everyone else would, it's her birthday and she's having fun, nothing to do with you or games.

 

Try to accept the breakup and slowly move on, but that step can only be your decision

[Marc878]

Hope will keep you bound.

 

It would be best to block everything about her.

 

Why keep yourself in this?

 

What's it getting you?

 

A longer stay in limbo.

 

At this time you are the one keeping yourself stuck

[TeddyPSmith]

I totally feel your pain. I’m no better than I was 2 weeks ago and likely worse. Nothing else in the world seems to even matter. People keep telling me that you have to go through it. You can’t avoid it, bypass, or avoid it. In some regards that can give you a bit of hope bc it says there is an end to it. On the other hand, that end could be a long time away and this pain is unbearable for long periods of time.

 

Best of luck to you my friend. There are others out there

[MindYourBusiness]

I had a really ugly break up after also losing my baby in January. He broke up with me and left me alone in my darkest time and I really thought I would never feel okay again. And here I am - one month later. I feel happy and fulfilled and like Im finally myself again. Theres still moments where it sucks or also where I cry for a few minutes but overall I am really doing just fine.

 

What helped me was blocking him on social media as well as his phone number. I also made a list with all the things he did that were not okay, the redflags and how he mistreated me. Whenever I miss him or feel like reaching out I go back to that list and read it and then Im like .... No. Id rather cut my arm off before reaching back out to you.

 

Also, a book that really helped me with the depression I had after the break up is " Eat, Pray, Love". SO good.

[Mac0908]

I went into a complete tailspin. I withheld my number so I could call her and left a long emotional rambling message asking her to unblock me. I went to the area she works in and left another message saying I was close by if she wanted to talk (embarrassing and creepy, I know). I didn't see her.

The next day I sent another long rambling email apologising. Then I left it and went completely NC.

 

First of all, out of curiosity, how long did you date?

 

Second of all, regardless of how long, what you did above is completely unacceptable and embarrassing. At 37 you should know that acting up like this is not only never going to get you want you want, but it's also near fatal to any chance you may have at rekindling. The fact that you eventually went completely NC is irrelevant. The damage was already done IMO. Trust me I've been there and I know the feeling, but you need to hear this.

 

Bottom line is if things didn't work out with this woman even before all of this then she simply wasn't the one. As cliche' as that sounds, when it comes to dating I have found this line to be true. If a day ever comes where she reaches back out then so be it, but right now you need to grow a pair and move on and go out there and get what you deserve. As far as your lies go, well that's another HUGE no no when it comes to relationships. Seems like you have some work to do, but don't worry, you'll get there.

Edited February 25, 2018 by Mac0908

[loveandtheft]

For someone who is 37, you have quite a bit of maturing to do.

 

 

This was hard to hear, but you're right, and it's something I've been thinking about a lot and beating myself up about since I read it a month ago. Thanks for the tough love, friend.

 

Unfortunately there was a lot of game playing on my ex's side too and I think we brought out the worst in each other in that respect.

[stillafool]

How old is your ex?