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20m relationship with the woman i thought I'd marry over - views/thoughts welcome!


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Hi - first off, thank you for any help or insight you guys can provide. This (probably doesn't beat the record but) is a long read.

 

I’m a 33-year-old guy living north of London in the UK and my Girlfriend, 26 of 20 months, who’s lived with me for just over a year broke up with me whilst we were on holiday at the end of November 2017. We got together in Feb 2016 and before then had ‘admired each other’ from afar via social media for at least 8 years. We grew up in the same town and met each other through friends of friends. In February 2016, we just ‘connected’ by messaging one another, went on a few dates and rapidly fell in love.

 

We were both looking for romance and love and upon reflection were both vulnerable, as you have to be when looking for love, as I had come out of a 7-year relationship about a year prior and she was in an essentially ‘long term friends with benefits’ relationship that she knew was never long term.

 

At around 16 her first boyfriend caused her a number of personal issues, he was very controlling and caused her a number of personal medical issues which required the support of her family. Her longest relationship was with another guy, who by her own admission ended up being a friend with benefits relationship and there was no real passion – she said that they felt like best friends. She had one other boyfriend which lasted for a year but then ended and she went back with her previous ‘best friend’ and was with him up to the point we met in February 2016.

 

In February 2015, I found out my previous GF of 7 years (not most recent) had been cheating on me for 4 months after we moved into a house we’d bought and we had a strung-out breakup as we had to sell the house etc. By the August of 2015 I’d moved and was getting on with my life – I really felt like I could move on and (almost 6 months to the day) my now ex and I began talking. Was I over my other Ex? Yes, I think I was but I was learning to live on my own again. We quickly fell in love and it was all going so well. We used phrases like, “you know when you know” about how we felt for each other. We did all the usual things you do in your honeymoon period, - we had both admitted that 2016 was the best year of both our lives. In November of 2016 I asked her to move in with me and I believe her when she said that she was genuinely committed to moving in. I think being fairly naive she said “nothing would change” but as we all know when you live with someone things definitely change and I think this was a bit of a hurdle for her to get over.

 

A bit of background about us: We both lived very close to each other for the first 5 years of knowing each other in a smallish town of 30,000 people but never really spoke much. Currently I’m 33 and she’s 26 – there’s an age difference but nothing major. She openly admitted that this was her first ‘adult relationship’ and that I was the first guy she’d been with that she’d even contemplated about marrying and having a family with. In my view we’re both great for one another, sure we’re different people but have so many shared interests – the phrase opposites attract comes to mind and we aren’t confusing similarity with compatibility. We both regularly talked about what we wanted from life, we both want the same things – a simple life, shared with friends and family and want this in the next 5 years. We both have good jobs and have a fair amount of pressure to deliver but probably more her than me. We both love each other’s families and we both have good friends (although we don’t really spend much time with one another’s friends). We communicated well and got on so well, but, understandably couple life is different from when you’re ‘dating’.

 

In this last month, scouring the internet and looking for answers I’ve taken the time to do a lot of ‘self analysis’ for which I might not be like other guys and I’m happy to admit my faults! Without placing all the blame on me entirely I know I came across at times as needy/clingy and that I used to seek validation at times. I get it from my Mum who suffers from anxiety and slight depression but I think that I often over analyse the situation and this clearly took its toll on my ex. I did my upmost to ‘impress’ and, upon reflection, showered her with love (Flowers Friday was my thing, I always bought her flowers etc) so she maybe feels that that’s what she should be doing for me when she wasn’t.

 

My ex had a lot of change happen in the last year since we were together. She has had to change her diet considerably owing to a number of ‘lady issues’, last summer she had a promotion at work which I encouraged her to take - she initially found this hard to deal with and I supported her no end (her words) but is glad she took it. Her work had a mass cull of staff which she survived but you understand the toll this can take on someone. She is very close to her family and initially I think she struggled with the distance when she moved in with me (I forgot to add I now live about 15/20 miles away in another town which she and her family frequents on a weekly basis although she works in our original home town) and I think she thought she was ‘missing out’ on family life. She saw her friends a little less, albeit being the same distance away, as I think she felt she had to spend more time with me as we lived together.

 

The niggle: From about April/May time this year (so about 8 months) she’s had this ‘feeling’ inside her that something in her life is wrong. She initially thought it was missing her family – she says it isn’t as she’s had long discussions with her mum about things, she thought it was her job – she looked at moving job but actually she said it wasn’t as she loves it, she thought it might be to do with some of her friends which she openly said her relationship has changed over the years before she met me anyway but she doesn’t think it’s that. Her Mum never said so but there is only one last thing left in that mix that it could be and that was US. My ex is a strong character but I feel she probably doesn’t deal with change in her personal life well. She openly admits that she sometimes feels her mum is always of the attitude “you can give that a go but it won’t work and I’ll be here when you come back” – her mum IS supportive though and has never said a bad word about me etc). Her Mum mentioned to her back in November last year that she needed to be sure when she was moving in with me. “He’s a Man, and this is serious.” I.e. You need to be totally sure you want to move in with him because if you don’t you’re wasting his time.

 

We’ve been on holiday a fair amount this year and each time after the holiday she’s had a bit of a mini breakdown and in essence said that she thought that we might not be right for each other. The first time in July, she talked to her friend (a 31 year old) who basically asked her whether she did things to ‘test me’ and gave her advice as she didn’t want her to make the same mistakes she had. She said sorry and we got back to being us. At the beginning of September after we’d been away in Venice for her birthday for a week she had another mini melt down and we had some time apart (a few days). She said that she needed to see if she missed me and whether she felt like she was missing out of her old family life – in essence she concluded that she was wrong and said that she was so sorry for hurting me and that she had had some home truths told to her by her friends and family and that she was so sorry for putting me through this and that she’d never do it again.

 

I have a long WhatsApp message here saying about how we both need to get over our past problems and that she’d never leave me like my other Ex did. She was in tears and sitting on my lap saying that she never wanted to lose me and that all my concerns about being cheated/left/walked out on should go. Her mum said that she felt that she didn’t put 100% into our relationship. She agreed with this as she had the subconscious mind set of a pendulum that had swung the other way – ‘Yes, I bloody deserve this guy and I’m going to enjoy it’ but not put 100% in – as if she’s been owed it for such a long time.

 

At this point I thought ‘Yes! Finally! She definitely wants to be in my life and that we can move ahead’. She has openly admitted that I support her so much with all her personal (and medical) issues, work, friends and family. She said to my Mum at the end of September that ‘I was her Rock’. For the past year of living with each other we’ve often looked at rings for engagement (most recently a few weeks before the break up). When I asked her after our break up she said that all of the times we looked and did these things were genuine and she never once ‘faked it’ – she actually initiated a good chunk of this and I believe she meant it. I never tried to ‘rush things’ and we’d spoken about our ‘plan’ selling my house that we both live in and buying our own house together in a year or so.

 

For the next few months we had an absolutely fantastic time. We had my birthday celebration and we did fun things together.

 

How it came to a head: We were on holiday at the end of November (around the 17th) and I asked her the 2nd day in if everything was ok as I sensed something wasn’t right. She burst into tears and asked to go back to the room. When we got there, she said that she essentially had been thinking for the past few weeks (maybe even a month and a half) that – despite being ok and that she loved and respected me she didn’t think we’d be right long term. She said she has a gut feeling that she can’t ignore and has had it for a while. This feeling is the same one that she’d been looking at a number of things in her life that she thought it might be but can only conclude that it must be us and that we weren’t right for each other.

 

I was gob smacked and didn’t see it coming though looking back now I feel stupid because, I can see some of the signs, however, when I challenged these they were described as other things. There are multiple facets that I could go into that bother her about her previous relationships, friendships and ‘old’ parts of her life (i.e. her ex is still friends with her sisters BF etc which really bothers her) but I don’t know if these are of benefit?

 

I had to ask her. Was there someone else? She said absolutely not and I genuinely believed her at the time but now a month and a half on from our holiday I’m not so sure (I’m still torn).

 

She said that I provide absolutely everything for her and on paper that I’m the exact man she’s after. She said to my mum one day that ‘I have everything I want in Greg’ Tall, dark haired, handsome – great job, great family, everything going for me. We have both admitted that we both have the best sex that we've ever had in our lives. We both have such strong 'chemistry’ - whether we still have that today I can’t decipher but our Sex life was far from mediocre. She said that her head is telling her that she should stick with me. She said that she’s teetering on the edge of going screw it and just carrying on as we are, but she said that she’s afraid that she’d wake up in years to come and realise that this just wasn’t for her. However, as I know women make decisions on relationships based on their emotion, she said her heart/gut is saying that we’re not right and won’t make it long term. She loves me deeply but I guess is not IN love with me.

 

Being stuck on holiday we both agreed that we needed to help each other get through the holiday. I tried to not talk for hours about it but sometimes I had my own melt downs and needed some space. I did a terrible thing when she was in the shower - I looked at her phone and looked at the messages she’d sent her friend. It still makes me sick to my head for looking, I know it was wrong but some of the comments I still to this day can’t get out of my head and I don’t know if they’re giving me false hope. Clearly there was emotion about me disappearing for half a day – I needed some space and she wasn’t happy about that. The two comments that sticks with me is ‘I know I need to move out – I’m clear in my mind’ ‘But I just can’t help keep thinking to myself am I making the biggest mistake of my life? :’(‘ ‘Time will tell’. ‘It all seems so final’. I feel like I’m never going to get these out of my head.

 

We spoke a little more. She said that when we first got together, she was so overwhelmed and blown away with what a gentleman I was, that I was the one for her, that she left ‘parts of her personality/just her in general’ that she thought she wouldn’t want to bring along into our adult relationship. Essentially, she said that she’s not being completely herself around me and that she can’t go on in a relationship where she doesn’t put true self first. I did the cliché begging and bargaining for her not to leave me, I mentioned that she brings the best out in me and she said that I don’t always being the best out in her. I’m trying not to over analyse what we said as I know a lot of people say things they don’t mean but I just wonder if the reasons she’s given me are the real reason from breaking up.

 

Alas, we carried on the holiday as normal (minus the sex, though we did have sex the night before the confrontation). We held hands, kissed a little, cuddled, slept in the same bet etc.) and had a few more ‘intense chats’. When we got back to the UK late on the Friday evening we went to bed and I asked if we were still together. She said let’s talk tomorrow. She rolled over to cuddle and we both fell asleep in each other’s arms.

 

On the Saturday 25th November (day after we got back) I went to see my brother and she went to see her mum and we met in the evening. She surmised and said that the reality of ‘couple adult life’ (I guess with me – I’m the first guy she’s ever lived with as well as having all the other ‘adult stuff’ to deal with) fell short of her expectations. She came up with loads of excuse, some of which hurt - that I didn’t make her laugh anymore (bit of a lie), that we didn’t have fun together anymore – essentially, I guess she’s saying that she’s fallen out of love with me.

 

I asked her what she thought about being with another man and me being with another woman and she said that it’d break her heart to see me with another woman on my arm and that at the moment she can’t see herself with anyone else. She said that she didn’t want to string me along by being ‘on a break’ and that she was breaking up with me. She said that she was 65% sure she was making the right decision and 35% that she was ‘making the biggest mistake of her life’. At that point, she packed a back for a week and left. On the way out I asked her, “what if you realise that you have” and she said “well I’ll be back knocking on your door, and then it’s your choice”.

 

I’m devastated, to go from loving life and having a future together to having the carpet whipped out from under my feet.

 

Soul Searching: I’ve done some real deep (and I mean DEEP) soul searching, as hard as it is and despite her saying that it’s definitely nothing that I’ve done and I realise that a number of my behaviours that clearly and influence the way someone feels they have to be. 1) I over-analyse lots of things. I get this from my mum. I think I have a fairly high level of emotional intelligence. My ex is the kind of woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and I guess she said that she sometimes felt that she had to act a certain way because she feared I might ‘over analyse’. 2) I was (and still am) so in love that I did the cliché ‘want to spend so much time’ rather than the ‘distance makes the heart fonder – despite travelling with work for a week or so at a time 5 times a year – essentially I might have come across as a bit needy/clingy. Looking at my life even more – I didn’t really have my own life, didn’t see my friends as much etc. 3) Sometimes needed validation that she loved me – this was probably a hang over of my previous relationship. 4) Used to probably shower her with too much kindness – always doing everything/buying flowers etc. I know it’s not completely my fault but I have had a look at myself and I’m genuinely trying to be sensible and make changes to myself for the better. I realise I have 1) an Anxious Attachment style and 2) I have carried over insecurities from my previous breakup that I should have addressed a long time ago. Alas, I’ve decided to counselling/therapy and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to work through these issues to make me a better version of myself.

 

After 2 weeks, she’d only just taking her stuff back to her parents (owing to confusion as to when to come to collect it) and we’ve not really been in touch since (other than to talk about the collection of her stuff). I’m trying to give her some space and taking time for me to get over the initial shock.

 

It’s now been 3 weeks today since she collected the last of her things (about 6 weeks since we’ve last seen each other, 3 weeks since we’ve text). On the day (16th December) that she came to get the last of her things I text her asking her if she could bring back something that she took which I wanted to keep (a gift that she bought me). She was very apologetic and said ‘So sorry’ etc. So I get the feeling that she realises she’s hurt me and is probably trying to leave me alone by not talking much. She agreed a time and then said “Are you going to be there?” to which I replied “No, I still need some time”. She replied to me and said “So do I”. This was the last I’ve spoken to her. I’ve tried my very best to not check up on her on Social Media and have yet to actually talk to her again but I noticed a few days before she defriended me on Facebook and Instagram (not blocked) that a guy from her work tagged her in a video of her favourite Christmas song to which she liked. On the 13th she defriended on FB and IG.

 

Christmas day was awful. I work up and, not intentionally, watched an Instagram story video of Her, this same guy and her sister and sister’s boyfriend who were clearly out for a drink on Christmas Eve. My heart absolutely sank. For the next 3 days, I was ruled by my ‘Chimp’ being emotional and despite trying not to over read the situation as I don’t really know that much to be honest, I can’t help but thing the worst. Her sister works at the same place too and they’ve all been friends on facebook and Instagram with this guy for a while. My ex is very attractive and has plenty of friends who’ll give her attention if she wanted. She didn’t really have many ‘guy friends’ that she used to talk to on a regular basis but I can’t help but over think this that she’s in a relationship, rebound or not but for someone that say’s ‘I still need time’ and then coupling of the above actions I’m really confused as to what’s going on. I’ve now learnt that only a few days ago she’s taken down about 10 images of ‘memories’ most certainly some that include photographs of us together – I’ve done the same but can’t help but feel hurt by this. In her defence, she’s not removed every single image of every single memory – there are still photos of when we went on our holiday, just not of us together.

 

I got no Christmas or New Year’s message though I’ve watched you video and that’s probably because she doesn’t want to upset me. I’ve not spoken to her. Her sister’s boyfriend wished me both a Happy Christmas (he sent it first) and NY (I sent to him first).

 

My thoughts: Now I’m under no illusion that she’s the only woman for me in the world. I know I’ll find love again but I’ve genuinely never had such a deep connection with anyone like this before. I don’t NEED her in my life, I can go on without her, but I WANT her in my life and I feel like if she came back (which I think deep down at the moment I’m desperate for her to do) I’d take her back but would want things to be different. I understand our relationship would never be the same but it clearly didn’t work to start with so would have to be different (I’ll calm down and not get carried away).

 

Where I am now: I’m currently trying to go through a month of No Contact (from the 16th - despite trying to already) which finishes a on the 16th Jan (a month after our last ‘I need some time”) so I can get myself straight and get back to learning how to live an individual life (and subconsciously wanting her to miss me). I’m having varied results – ups and downs. I’m taking care of myself, I’ve lost 25lbs, regularly going to the gym and even been out on other dates, and got another woman’s number on NYE.

 

I’ve started looking and making inroads to doing what I want (and to be quite honest, I’m please Christmas is over so I can get back to a bit of routine). But my gut is still telling me that I want to be with her and that she’s having a bit of an early life crisis and needs some time and space for her to (essentially what I would say) grow up? I’m just so scared that I’m going to lose her but trying to remain positive that I know I’m the best guy for her.

 

There is so much conflicting information out there that I’m so confused as to what to do. I’ve read a number of ‘get your ex back’ programs which all stick to a similar structure, but there are others which say “no, improve yourself be the best you can and wait for her to come back”. But because I don’t know what she is thinking I don’t know if:

1) She even misses me as she might be in a new relationship?

2) She might not want to reach out to me as she knows she’s hurt me and she’s potentially stubborn?

3) Know if she even wants to see me again – but maybe I’m over reading into the ‘are you going to be there’ ‘no I need some time’ ‘so do I’ exchange I don’t know if she’s just saying that because she does need some time or if she’s kind of copying me with not contacting?

4) Or, if she is in a rebound relationship?

 

What I’m doing now is taking care of myself, working out that the gym ready (and as you said in one of your videos, there’s nothing more that motivates someone than a break up). I’m reconnecting with friends and just trying to enjoy myself (and I’m having varied success – routine will be good for me).

 

I just can’t help but stop thinking about how someone can go from saying ‘I’m their rock’ to a month and a half later saying that we’re over.

 

Do you think she’ll reach out?

 

If you’ve made it this far, I really appreciate it and PLEASE HELP!!

 

Thank you from a very confused guy!

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LessDot,

I am sorry that this is happening to you, it must be both confusing and painful.

 

I just can’t help but stop thinking about how someone can go from saying ‘I’m their rock’ to a month and a half later saying that we’re over
.

 

Sadly, this ^^ isn't uncommon from reading some of the posts on this site.

 

I would suggest that you need to move on with your life.

Stop trying to work out the 'whys' and 'werefors' that are going on inside her head. You'll never get an answer and just drive yourself nuts.

 

Just because she doesn't want to continue with this relalionship is no detriment to you.

 

NC would be a good start and continue from there.

 

Stay strong and you'll get through this. x

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Once the doubt festered in her mind and she thought of alternative futures without you, the die was cast in a sense. She's probably gone for good unfortunately.

 

She loves you, but not enough to stay with you. That's why the breakup felt sudden, but in fact was anything but. It took her months of deliberation to "know" what the right answer was for her. If there was truly doubt in her mind, she would still be limping the relationship along.

 

You'll need to get some more resolution and answers to get your head clear again. If she doesn't make contact, you have to resolve this for yourself. What I found helpful was writing unsent letters to my ex asking for answers and digesting the end in written thoughts.

 

If she does reach out, I hope you two can speak honestly and get the conclusion you'll need.

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You should probably unfollow mutual connections on social media so you don't see anything else. Your feelings are normal and common. My ex wrote something like a 3 or 4 page letter toward the end of one month, where he professed his undying love for me in front of about 40 people (my family, his family, friends) and dumped me a few weeks later. Had a new lady friend within days of that (I'm sure the new relationship overlapped ours but have no proof, and no longer care).

 

I tried to say it was all out of the blue, but in hindsight the signs were there. Like your lady he was flaky, always questioning our relationship - I had to talk him off the cliff a few times. That's something I will never do again.

 

You will get over her in time. No more looking at her posts (sister's posts, sister's boyfriend's posts, new guy's post, brother/father/mother - you get the point). When you hit 30 days NC, keep going.

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I went through something very similar so I think I have some insight into what's going on here and maybe some advice. You can read my story if you look at my post history and you will see that some very similar things happened and were said.

 

What I am seeing here is for whatever reason she was having doubts about this relationship, likely for reasons completely unrelated to you and what you were doing or not doing. There may be some circumstances causing her doubt but ultimately this is completely emotional because as she says you are perfect on paper and basically treat her well. So what she is questioning is her FEELINGS about you, which probably changed at some point. Usually this just happens naturally in a relationship, the honeymoon period ends and she feels the "spark is gone" and that she must be with the "wrong person" or that "something is wrong" with the relationship. And she can no longer imagine a future with you because of that. Unfortunately many people don't have the maturity or relationship experience to understand that this occurs in nearly all relationships as they move from the honeymoon phase where everything is easy and natural and into the next stage where things actually require work and commitment. When people start feeling the romantic love wane, they usually get those thoughts of doubt and decide to look elsewhere for that feeling.

 

You were right about the time in the relationship where things were about to get more serious and she was having doubts about it and wanting to move it forward. I can almost guarantee that her discussions with her mom and friends had a major influence on her. My ex told me when we broke up that part of what got her thinking/doubting was her friends asking if I'm "the one" and this got her to start thinking about wether this was the case and she realized she was unsure about wether I was the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and commit to.

 

Just like you, my ex would always say how lucky she is to have me, that I'm such a great boyfriend, that she wants to be with me forever, that her sister is jealous of how great our relationship is, that she loves me sooo much, that I'm "her world" or "her rock" or whatever other platitudes. But these things are of a reflection of how she felt in the moment she said them. They are not permanent emotions like they are for us.

 

My ex said she knows I'm an amazing boyfriend and thats he wishes she didn't feel this way but it's something she feels like she has to do because the doubts weren't going away after feeling them for a few months. She said she hopes she realizes she was wrong. All this sound familiar? Like I said, I encourage you to read my story and see the similarities in what our exes were thinking. And you can bet your bottom dollar there are hundreds of other examples on this site alone. This kind of breakup unfortunately happens all the time, and it usually completely blindsides you because you think you're gonna marry this person because theres no issues, you have good chemistry, you get along well, you love each other. But for some reason the other person doesn't feel the same or decides to leave despite all of the good things going on because of their uncertainties.

 

As for advice, the most important thing is you can do is to not blame yourself. I know I had a huge problem with this and literally dug up and analyzed every possible flaw, insecurity, and issue that I had that could've potentially led to the breakup. But at the end of the day, you cannot control for all of these variables, you can't be perfect all the time, you have moments of weakness, struggles, insecurities and all that, and if you think hard you'll know she had issues too and she want perfect either. But of course you accepted those things anyways because you loved her and were willing to look past them, and you may even have had doubts about her too at some point but you decided she was worth it anyway.

 

This leads me to my next point, do not pedastalize her. Yes you may have had a great relationship, yes she may have been a great girlfriend while it lasted BUT I know for a fact she was flawed because she is human, and I know for a fact you accepted those flaws anyway. So think hard about what flaws she does have and focus on those. Do not idealize her. If she loved you truly she would look past these things and love you anyway like you did for her.

 

Next, do not contact her, ever. I know it's gonna be hard but it's the only way to move on and let go. Do not hold out hope she will change her mind or come back because this will not let you heal. If she does change her mind, you will likely be at the point where you don't want her back anymore because the bond and trust is broken between you too and it's almost impossible to put back together the same way. You won't be able to love her fully because in the back of your mind you will always be thinking "if she could do it once she can do it again". So unfortunately you just have to cut your losses.

 

And finally, know that you are not alone. There are countless examples of breakups similar to this all over the internet. It is absolutely brutal to get blindsided but unfortunately these things happen. I genuinely thought I was gonna marry my ex, I would've done anything for her, probably would've died for her even. But she didn't feel the same way about me. And yeah that's sad, its a huge bummer. I still haven't fully recovered. So expect it to take a while. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you're feeling. And slowly, with time, you will begin to forget, your feelings will wane, and you will move on. I hope this helps. My heart goes out to you, things will get better.

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BrokenHeartedMan89

LessDot

 

I feel your suffering brother, from one brit to another. Like Octavian and you I had a similar break up of my own...same age, the same length of time... engagement rings, infatuation, perfect partner compliments.. perfect life... then anxiety, blindsided, betrayed, hurt, pain.

 

Octavian8 is correct in everything he's advised you on. It has happened thousands of times in scarily similar ways... trust me I've read a lot of them!

You should reflect on this and do as he advises, most importantly go no contact. Lose all that hope they'll come back (that's a big one). If they do it'll be an even better surprise...

 

Anyway my 2 pence...

1.Do as Octavian says, do your best to re-build yourself not berate yourself. (I spent far too long doing that, it'll break you).

2. Find something to distract yourself with until your mind re-adjusts (Netflix is a good start).

3. Physical activity is really a blessing, both as a distraction and for making yourself feel better. There's a lot of negative chemicals floating about in your brain right now and you need to support the positive ones fighting to survive!

4. Stick to no contact.

5. Have faith mate. A year ago today I was an absolute state. I was near enough 6 months out from the break-up and I was completely broken (I remember I was crying on a mates' sofa)... So I'm at 18 months now and yes I have occasional moments of thinking about her... not obsessively every day anymore, AND the pain is gone.

 

I had to more or less start from scratch with my own self - mentally and physically. Use the pain to re-build, it's energy and focus essentially, just shift its attention. I'd recommend reading 'Who Says you can't You do'... it has a very good section on what happens losing love (and yourself).

 

Bonus Point - Don't rebound! Trust me, it makes everything a lot messier!!

 

Hope you heal soon my man.

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I went through something very similar so I think I have some insight into what's going on here and maybe some advice. You can read my story if you look at my post history and you will see that some very similar things happened and were said.

 

What I am seeing here is for whatever reason she was having doubts about this relationship, likely for reasons completely unrelated to you and what you were doing or not doing. There may be some circumstances causing her doubt but ultimately this is completely emotional because as she says you are perfect on paper and basically treat her well. So what she is questioning is her FEELINGS about you, which probably changed at some point. Usually this just happens naturally in a relationship, the honeymoon period ends and she feels the "spark is gone" and that she must be with the "wrong person" or that "something is wrong" with the relationship. And she can no longer imagine a future with you because of that. Unfortunately many people don't have the maturity or relationship experience to understand that this occurs in nearly all relationships as they move from the honeymoon phase where everything is easy and natural and into the next stage where things actually require work and commitment. When people start feeling the romantic love wane, they usually get those thoughts of doubt and decide to look elsewhere for that feeling.

 

You were right about the time in the relationship where things were about to get more serious and she was having doubts about it and wanting to move it forward. I can almost guarantee that her discussions with her mom and friends had a major influence on her. My ex told me when we broke up that part of what got her thinking/doubting was her friends asking if I'm "the one" and this got her to start thinking about wether this was the case and she realized she was unsure about wether I was the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and commit to.

 

Just like you, my ex would always say how lucky she is to have me, that I'm such a great boyfriend, that she wants to be with me forever, that her sister is jealous of how great our relationship is, that she loves me sooo much, that I'm "her world" or "her rock" or whatever other platitudes. But these things are of a reflection of how she felt in the moment she said them. They are not permanent emotions like they are for us.

 

My ex said she knows I'm an amazing boyfriend and thats he wishes she didn't feel this way but it's something she feels like she has to do because the doubts weren't going away after feeling them for a few months. She said she hopes she realizes she was wrong. All this sound familiar? Like I said, I encourage you to read my story and see the similarities in what our exes were thinking. And you can bet your bottom dollar there are hundreds of other examples on this site alone. This kind of breakup unfortunately happens all the time, and it usually completely blindsides you because you think you're gonna marry this person because theres no issues, you have good chemistry, you get along well, you love each other. But for some reason the other person doesn't feel the same or decides to leave despite all of the good things going on because of their uncertainties.

 

As for advice, the most important thing is you can do is to not blame yourself. I know I had a huge problem with this and literally dug up and analyzed every possible flaw, insecurity, and issue that I had that could've potentially led to the breakup. But at the end of the day, you cannot control for all of these variables, you can't be perfect all the time, you have moments of weakness, struggles, insecurities and all that, and if you think hard you'll know she had issues too and she want perfect either. But of course you accepted those things anyways because you loved her and were willing to look past them, and you may even have had doubts about her too at some point but you decided she was worth it anyway.

 

This leads me to my next point, do not pedastalize her. Yes you may have had a great relationship, yes she may have been a great girlfriend while it lasted BUT I know for a fact she was flawed because she is human, and I know for a fact you accepted those flaws anyway. So think hard about what flaws she does have and focus on those. Do not idealize her. If she loved you truly she would look past these things and love you anyway like you did for her.

 

Next, do not contact her, ever. I know it's gonna be hard but it's the only way to move on and let go. Do not hold out hope she will change her mind or come back because this will not let you heal. If she does change her mind, you will likely be at the point where you don't want her back anymore because the bond and trust is broken between you too and it's almost impossible to put back together the same way. You won't be able to love her fully because in the back of your mind you will always be thinking "if she could do it once she can do it again". So unfortunately you just have to cut your losses.

 

And finally, know that you are not alone. There are countless examples of breakups similar to this all over the internet. It is absolutely brutal to get blindsided but unfortunately these things happen. I genuinely thought I was gonna marry my ex, I would've done anything for her, probably would've died for her even. But she didn't feel the same way about me. And yeah that's sad, its a huge bummer. I still haven't fully recovered. So expect it to take a while. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you're feeling. And slowly, with time, you will begin to forget, your feelings will wane, and you will move on. I hope this helps. My heart goes out to you, things will get better.

 

This post should be made into a bible. It is 100% correct and representative of exactly what my experiences were.

 

The bolded was especially difficult for me to learn about women. What they say, their feelings, are at that moment in time.

 

I got all the same platitudes and where is she now? Gone.

 

Be thankful you were not strung along in limbo for three months like I was after 7 years. As stated if she had a doubt she would still be there.

 

I too am still affected by being dumped over 1.5 years ago but it does get easier in time.

 

My best advice would be to keep dating until you find someone better.

 

Hang in there brother.

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So first of all thank you for all the replied. I haven't checked back on this thread for a while. I've read other stories and have seen that people kind of give updates as they go, well here we go.

 

Octavian8 - I read your story and there are so many similarities to my situation its uncanny! I'm not going to lie, it pains every part of me to admit that you're right about everything you say. Every single word is what I *should* be doing - I think I'm getting there and with today's latest (blocking be across every social media outlet AND WhatsApp even though we've not spoken since December and I've not been a Text Terrorist) it seems like the final nail in coffin. I think that despite trying to deny it in my conscious, my sub conscious is still holding out for her to reach out. I know she's subborn and never admitted when she was wrong so with this it makes me desperately want to reach out and contact her but she broke up with me right?

 

I can't help but think the blocking despite not being in touch is becuase she's struggling to move on and can't help but check my social media (i have public accounts). At least I'm taking some solitude in this thin but possible thought that she's struggling.

 

Update:

 

Well there's a good chance she's in a rebound/non rebound as I've seen instastories of them both being at the same concert together. At the very least, she's going out with another guy - at the worst, she's in a relationship and blocked me as she doesn't want me to 'find out' and blow up her phone (again, despite showing no inclination to do this). It makes me question the legitimacy of the 'I'd never do that to you' comment when I asked her if she'd found someone else. I guess there was a good chance that with a combination of all of the above that she had but just didn't realise it at the time.

 

Pain, pain and more pain - this is all I feel at my darkest times. I try to remain positive but I feel pain about everything. Even more pain that I feel like I do and that I've allowed her to make me feel like this. At times I scream so loudly in my car on the way to work - even now, after a month of no contact and our relationship being over for nearly 2!

 

I just have solace that everything I did in our relationship was out of pure love. I was never lazy and I only did my upmost to do what I thought was right.

 

For someone who was 18 stone in his teenage years, I never thought I'd say but exercise and the gym have been two of my best friends over the past 2 months. Like in some of the online videos I've watched, NOTHING motivates someone more than a break up and I'm seeing real change in my body (like she always said - Greg, if you wanted you could have a cracking body). Well, I'm going to get it! It might take me a while, but I'm going to do it! We *will* meet again, and she'll see that I have - and you know, I'm doing it for ME!

 

I don't mind admitting but I'm going to see a councillor (or therapist as you'd say in the US?) to talk through some of the things that I think have affected my previous relationship(s) with the hope that I'll be able to become the best version of myself - what ever happens in the future.

 

I'm also going to talk to a relationship councillor to talk about my breakup and what happened and what a professionals view of things are. I want to do this because of where we left things - the last we spoke we both said we needed more time but her actions have left me a bit lost so hence wanting to talk to someone with some qualifications under their belt. I'll let you know how this goes!

 

Sorry, I've rabbled on - thanks for reading again if you get this far.

 

Am I better from when I last posted? I don't know. I get less emotional but when i find things out I do (which I know is my own fault for looking). Maybe now the final nail *is* in the coffin I can begin to heal. I sometimes can't keep but help thinking have I missed an opportunity to reach out. WHo knows...

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Yeah, my story is uncannily similar because it's something that keeps happening over and over. After my breakup I started to look for answers online and have literally read hundreds of stories like ours. It's a tale as old as time really, it seems there is a pattern to it.

 

I know doing what I say is very difficult, trust me I failed countless times every day. Overthinking, second guessing, self blame, obsessing, checking social media, pedastalizing, idealizing, what-ifs, could-bes and if-onlys. I did it all. I also screamed in my car, begged with God, broke down in tears. It's all part of the process I guess, getting it out of your system. Experiencing the pain repeatedly eventually dulls it given enough time. Slowly it fades and you begin letting go and that's scary to go through too, because you don't actually want to let go, you're just being forced to. But don't ever break no contact, ever. If you take away one thing from what we're saying here, it's that. It will not only preserve your dignity, it will help you move on. Never contact her again.

 

You are also still in the early stages of grieving, it's different for everyone of course, but in my experience it will probably take at least 3-4 months of no contact at a minimum to start feeling better at all. Strap yourself in because you have a long and tough ride ahead of you. But you will also learn a great deal in the process.

 

Talking to a counsellor is a great idea, it will definitely help you and there is no shame in that. I went to therapy after my breakup because I was intensely depressed. I would sleep 14 hours a day or more and I lost about 20lb due to lack of appetite due to anxiety. Talking to someone who will not get tired of hearing the same thing over and over helps. Because at some point your friends and family will probably stop wanting to listen.

 

Lastly, really take this time to build yourself back up and make sure you are strong and healed before jumping into another relationship or anything like that. Focus on YOU because if this experience has taught me anything, it's that you have to have your own back, because someone else won't. You will have a lot of time to analyze what you can do better or differently in future relationships later, but don't beat yourself up. Right now focus on getting your strength back, and being happy and whole completely on your own.

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Sorry for what you're going through but your story echoed mine from a year ago so I thought I offer my 2 cents from a girl's perspective since I was the one who walked away from someone who loved me deeply. I hope this will give you some emotional comfort and closure.

 

My ex was a true romantic at heart, like you perhaps, where he would try to do anything he think would make me happy. In the beginning I was elated because I never had anyone who was so attentive and affectionate toward me. He'd constantly tell me that "He loves me" and that "I complete him" and I do believe his words to be genuine. However, after awhile I felt pressured to love him back with the same intensity but inside I didn't feel the same. I was hoping that time would make me feel differently. Not that I didn't love him or appreciate his gestures and kindness, but not to the same level and I felt bad for cheating out of being with someone who can love him that way in return. Pretty much I felt undeserving and unworthy of his love and subconsciously worried that he would leave me for someone better. So in my mind I was already rejecting him and our relationship.

 

The more he showed his love and care for me the more it highlighted my low self-esteem and I felt like I had to work hard to impress him (ie. be the perfect gf, hold it together, return his affection) to prove my worthiness to him. This wasn't his fault. I put this pressure on myself without realizing it because I felt that love needed to be earned. I didn't think anyone can love me for me. It was only later that I recognize his overly giving nature to me was to cover up his own weaknesses and insecurities as well. He was worried about losing me and try to overcompensate by showing me with love. We were both acting, playing a role that we think the other person wants, unable to be ourselves. If so, that would mean that we were in love with just an image/idea or part of the other person, not their real self? This makes me question if we really love each other for who we are or just the "good parts" that we chose to show.

 

I was also walking on eggshells around him because of his terrible temper and jealousy tendency (he also was cheated on by his exes). This was a major source of tension in the relationship and I was too tired of trying to defend or explain myself. Later I felt that staying together was more out of duty and obligation than enjoying each other's company. That was a really sad moment for me but I can't fake what I'm not feeling. I love him enough not to continue lying to him.

 

On paper we looked perfect to everyone around us, but deep down I had this nagging feeling that something isn't right. I didn't feel as connected to him as I once did. I was also feeling disconnected from everything around me. I was slowly creeping into a depression but I didn't know what it was at the time. I started to have doubts about us long term but was too scare to bring it up because I know he would want to go into full on fix it mode. I wanted to sit with it and figured it out myself first before talking to him because I didn't want to burden him. Yet something was missing and I was unhappy. Initially I thought it was from him, the relationship, but upon reflection it was me. Now I know that I couldn't give him my full love or what I think he needed from me because I didn't have any love to give.

 

You can only receive and give love to others the extent that you love yourself. I had to learn that on my own.

 

As much as it hurt, I had to leave and go do some soul searching, to find the missing pieces within me. He wanted to help me but he couldn't. No one can. It's an inside job. So I left. Being with him was a safe choice, but I didn't want to settle or lie to him about how I was really feeling. It sucks because I know how much he loved me. I carry so much guilt for breaking his heart but it was the right thing to do in the end for both of us. I also saw that he didn't have much love for himself either and lots of issues to sort out as well, so I can only hope him the best.

 

The relationship helped me see where I still need to grow and learn and I'm forever grateful for our time together. Sometimes on this journey we have to say good-bye to find ourselves. I can only hope that he finds peace for himself as well.

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Hey OP, how are you doing? I've followed this post for a while and there haven't been any more updates. I hope you are doing well.

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