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First real breakup; dated 5 years. Help!

Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 2nd January 2018, 2:40 PM   #1
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First real breakup; dated 5 years. Help!

I would love to get some advice and perspective on a situation I have, it is my first real break up and I am confused by my emotions. I broke up with someone 3 months ago, on my birthday actually . We dated for 5 years and lots and lots of things happened, good and bad.
He moved to my country for two years, we broke up and he wanted to return home and one week before he was due to leave he asked me and my child to go with him. I wanted to go but circumstances were difficult, I was effectively homeless after we ran into money issues and gave up our home together, all of our things went to storage etc, and me and my son got some temporary accommodation where my boyfriend left us and went home, informing me if i wanted to continue our relationship i needed to follow him there.

I was having some issues during this time , once he left us, i had panic attacks and saw a version of me i was unsure of, it was a really bad few months. I still have not recovered, i eventually went to his country after he returned to get us some months later, and the 30hr drive was long but nice and i was elated at the new beginning, and the new start for me and my son and also my dog. My boyfriend was unusually calm, and had not shouted once since we started our journey so i had been relaxed. Once we got there it was great for two weeks , beautiful place and i really felt good that i had made the decision to go.

2 weeks into the stay i discovered a chat on his phone, my son has autism and he brought my partners phone to me while i was sunbathing, he asked to put some games on but the phone was opened on whatsapp and when i looked at it there was a person there , a girl and the last message sent had been a loveheart face so i opened the chat but it was in my partners own language so my translation showed something about 'its too late to call you' and a sad face when it seemed like my BF ignored a message from her at some point, so I instantly felt bad, especially seeing as the chat seemed to have begun during the time i was homeless, and he had returned to Spain. I asked him about this chat and he went nuts, screaming like he always does, and told me to go home if i was going to be sad and moody about a talk with a friend, but friends generally dont do love faces with hearts in the eyes. So anyway, i was unhappy with this incident, and his reaction to it, he would not allow me to touch his phone nor read any messages further.

This is the first time i had seen in his phone, in the whole time we were together, and the incident caused me to notice each time he was on his phone from that moment onwards. It was a few weeks of discomfort, fights and general distrust, this wasn't our first fight, we had fought numerous times in the past, usually about money. So things got so bad he ended it again and offered to buy me plane tickets home, for me and my son, who adored him, it was traumatic, for me however, i lost a new life, he wouldn't let me take my dog as he bought her. And i had to return to homeless accommodation in my own country.

Immediately after i got home, he texted me, and would text and call about several things from payments, to items he thought i took, to my dog needing the vet, to how much i owed in a phone payment. He got angry more than once shouting, screaming, about certain things, he asked me to return to spain to visit a few times and we should take it slow and asked if i missed sex with him. I was too angry to connect on any adult level, i was hurt, i knew he had been talking to other girls, and probably more than one. I initially felt relief to be home after the trauma preceding it. I had been ok, and making plans on how to rebuild my life. At no point had my ex apologised sincerely for the events that took place, my son used to search google maps trying to locate him, and at no point was there any suggestion of a proper talk to iron out difficulties which added to my pain , as we really needed this at this point.

He made me feel awful for suggest it, feel awful be be angry and as if i was wrong to talk about the things which had happened. He maintained the girl i found was an old friend but i couldn't understand the love hearts. There was more shouting and contempt. So i left it alone and i went about trying to recover, just under 3 months after i got home he called me and told me he is moving on, and that he will never say another word to me nor my son for the rest of his life , because i had not said happy birthday to him. I did not think he deserved it after the events that took place, i discovered lies, and additional things since returning home, such as a private Instagram account and FB accounts that i never knew he had, accounts he never added me as a friend to. He had apparently freinded a girl i knew. So i did not feel a happy birthday was appropriate, however since this point he has not said a word and for some reason i have gotten more upset and over xmas and new year have cried non stop.

We did not even speak with each other over the holidays. Was the saddest moment i can remember, i just wanted to call him and i have found that i have begun to blame myself for things. I have felt panicky and alone. It is as if I have gone the opposite direction of what you are meant to, start off relieved and sure that things had reached an end , 3 months on im finding things immensely difficult. Not sleeping much and feel like i have lost the understanding of why we are not together. I am not sure i have explained this very well. The strength i had at the beginning of the split is gone and now i just miss him terribly and miss the new life i genuinely thought we were beginning as does my son, and we remain homeless, i feel quite scared of the position i have, My confidence and self esteem seem to be rock bottom.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:05 PM   #2
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I'm sorry you've been homeless and are struggling so. I hope you can rebuild your life soon. It's important you work hard and get independent so you don't have to depend on this mean guy anymore. You said he always yells. You would not be putting up with that if you worked hard and became financially independent.

Please get yourself another mother and their child to room with and get a job and support yourself. If you cannot do it in your city or country where you are, move someplace you can. Leave that mean guy alone. All he cares about is sex, it sounds like since that's all he wants to ask you about.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
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Old 2nd January 2018, 9:58 PM   #3
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Where are you currently staying if you are homeless? Do you have access to meals and showers? Somewhere safe to sleep? Basic social services? How old is your son?

Your boyfriend sounds like a narcissistic nut job. Much better to be away from him.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 5:14 AM   #4
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My local government office gave me a small flat which I have had since May last year. I am currently trying to secure a permanent tenancy now. What I had not realised is just how much my world changed and crashed since my relationship with this person. My son is 15 but he is autistic so presents as a younger child. We are safe and I am basically starting my life from the ground up again. When I met my ex partner I had a home, I was in college and things were looking very good at that point. But over the course of the 5 years things have gradually fallen apart. He had gotten himself into debt in my country which I have tried to solve since being home, as it reflects on me too due to our shared tenancy. The companies are happy with my efforts and are looking to pursue my ex partner for payments, quite unpleasant. He has not attempted nor spoken about dealing with his commitments and doesn't care because he is in his home country and believes he is free of that debt. So my life is quite a mess now, family members have told me to forget he existed which is what I intended to do, but as reality has hit me that I'm alone and my ex partner would rather cut me off for not wishing him a happy birthday than resolve money matters and show concern about the situation I have. Most people would be angry and block him but my state of mind isn't at that point. He didn't speak at all over the holidays and it's painful to see his behaviour. I spent the holidays homeless which he knew and I think my low self esteem and some kind of depressive phase has set in, he critised me for not contacting him and expected me to beg it seems when I got home. But I didn't because break up information instructs you not to contact following a break up and deep down I just cannot lose all dignity in this matter but I miss him and honestly starting to believe that I had formed some kind of dependence on him, plus my situation as it is knowing he's cut me off and I need to start again is overwhelming.
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