Why would my ex contact me to tell me this?

[aaforever]

Text 1:

'Hey there. I hope you are well. I don’t know the protocol for this, but thought this would be best to come from me instead of someone else (apologies if I’m too late and you have already heard), but xxx and I got engaged. Sorry if this wasn’t the best way to handle. Have been going back and forth on whether you should hear the news from me or not. Again, I really hope you are doing well! I wish you nothing but the best.'

 

Text 2:

'And whoa iMessage, someone has converted to iPhone?!? Lol

 

P.s. I just realized the time there, probably not the message you want to see first thing in the morning..sorry about that.'

 

Why would she tell me this? Two days have gone by, I haven't responded. (She was on vacation in Europe when she wrote this apparently.)

 

-----

 

BACKSTORY (for those interested and/or for context *its long...):

-Was with this girl for nearly 8 years.

-When I met her she had a major drinking problem, 3 DWIs, hospitalized from alcohol poisoning at one point, no father, a mom who was rarely around, stripper friends and druggy guy friends.

-I helped get her life straight, she cleaned up her act, we grew a strong bond and fell in love.

-4 years in, moved across country with me where I pursued the arts. (This is where it went downhill.)

-I struggled, gave up at times, depressed, easily agitated and it was taking a toll on her. Meanwhile she was flourishing with a great job. Supporting us financially at times. She suggested I just get a regular job. I refused and kept freelancing with little success.

-She tried to break up with me.

-I pleaded to let me try to turn things around. She said ok.

-Got a call out of the blue and literally got the job of my dreams. It was a miracle. My attitude changed and I felt on top of the world.

-She reacted as if she was more surprised that it worked out instead of being happy. I knew something was wrong. She stuck around but came home crying one day saying she can't do it anymore, she doesn't want to feel this way but she wanted to break up.

-We break up.

-Shortly after she gets into a relationship with her bosses son.

-I try to get her back.

-She rejects me.

-I run into her at a party. She's drunk but happy to see me. She breaks down and says 'It's not the same without you. I feel so comfortable around you.' She wants me back. I was so turned off by the drinking since it was such a problem throughout our relationship that I rejected her.

-Next day she's so upset she crashes her car by accident.

-Two weeks go by I start to miss her. I reach out and ask her to dinner.

-We go to dinner. I tell her I miss her. She tells me she's happy with this guy. I say I think we should try again. She says she doesn't want it.

-I run into her at a party at my friends house. We are friendly. Her new friends get caught doing cocaine in the bathroom. My friend kicks them out. She gets mad. My friend kicks her out. She calls me to console her. I said, 'Why are you calling me? Shouldn't you be calling your boyfriend?" She says, "Yea I guess you're right". I hang up.

-6 months later she texts me happy birthday.

-Another 6 months later she calls me and says she's moving out of state with her boyfriend and she has something of mine she wants to give me from my grandfather.

-We meet at the bar. She cries and says 'There's a part of me that wishes I stuck it out a bit longer with you.' I tell her 'I do too. I'm so much happier now as a person I wish I had another chance to show you. I think we'd be awesome together.' She said, 'You're just on your best behavior right now.' Then she goes on to say how happy she is with her boyfriend, how they are so alike and never argue. I tell her Im happy for her. We stay out till 4am, have food, hug and wish her well.

-A year later her and her boyfriend show up to a mutual friends BBQ. She looks terrified/upset to see me. They leave shortly after arriving. She hesitantly walks over in my direction to say goodbye to her friend. I say 'hello.' She says, 'I'm sorry if i knew you were coming I wouldn't have came in case you weren't comfortable'. I said 'Its not a big deal, we're adults now. It's great to see you. I go and give her a hug and ask her how she likes it in her new state? We're cordial and say goodbye.

-6 months later I get the engagement text.

Edited November 16, 2017 by aaforever

[Highndry]

She has an inflated ego.

[HarmonyDriven]

Should you decided to respond, tell her congrats and wish her well. Leave it at that. This way she will wonder if you truly mean it. But in the grand scheme of things.....who cares....?

 

IMO, she did not treat you well, so she does not deserve you. The girl has issues.....you are probably much better off in the long run without this type of drama. Good luck

[Captivating]

Wow, what a story !

You guys had a long relationship with several tribulations that you managed to overcome, there was a push and pull on both sides... and eventually things burned out on her part. Possibly the presence of the boss's son did not help.

Her reaching out to you several times every 6 months ... guilt ridden confession about an engagement ... considering your feelings during a bbq party ... shows that there is love for you still, maybe always will be.

 

How you handled yourself at the bbq party , WOW !!!! Great !

I would have passed out

 

I thinks once we truly love someone, we always will, we just learn how to handle it later.

This new relationship of hers might be an even keel, calm, peaceful .. compared to your fast paced roller-coaster one Not to mention the beginning of any relationship being highly fueled ... so she might just starting to get to know the new guy, after the rosy glasses come off, YET this was her decision ... so if she would ever want you back, she needs to make the move not you.

She thinks of you for sure ... if this is what you wanted to know.

[aaforever]

Thanks for your responses guys. Very much appreciated.

I guess I have two questions, but I want to point out something first...

 

The biggest thing I regret is that I took out my frustrations on her while I was struggling which ultimately led to her being pushed away. Although many times it was justified due to her drinking issue that would creep up once in a while but outside of that I would constantly complain about everything else in general. People, politics, and the smallest things ALL the time. I had a me vs. the world attitude. It was awful. And in reality it was because deep down I felt like a failure which led me to take it out on myself and everyone around. I convinced this girl to come with me across the country, promised her how great it was going to be and then I end up struggling and she ends up having to take care of everything and put up with my ****. A year after we broke up I wrote her a letter confessing my remorse I felt for this and that I understood how she could have fell out of love with me but still confused as to why she didn't feel it was worth it to completely throw it away without trying again. She appreciated me admitting this and told me not to be so hard on myself because she knows I'm a good person but also let me know how much it affected her mentally and that she felt going back to me would be like going backwards.

 

The reason I point this out is that I feel like ultimately she still loves me but has convinced herself long ago that it is too dangerous and risky to get involved with me ever again. I think she feels it's not worth the risk to give up the peaceful situation she has just to go back to a relationship where there's the risk of me falling back into "my old ways". Honestly, I think the relationship she has is a safe space for her (at least initially, since she jumped right into it quickly after we broke up) and even if she ever felt like she wanted me back I don't think she'd ever have it in her to break this guys heart and leave him to go back to me, especially if he hasn't done anything. I know the ball is in her hand but I highly doubt she'd ever use it. She's always struggles making decisions and has always been known to be easily led and strung along.

 

 

I guess my questions are:

1) By not responding, what message is that sending to her? If she still loves me

2) If she does still love me, is it possible for her to truly be happy marrying the "rebound" guy?

[HumanMachine]

Right rather than looking too deep into a pointless ego fuiled message, let’s look at the fact she is getting married and is not with you.. if she truly loved you she’d be banging on your door BEGGING for you back. But she’s not.

 

Please don’t reply.

[Jdoublenn]

 

I guess my questions are:

1) By not responding, what message is that sending to her? If she still loves me

2) If she does still love me, is it possible for her to truly be happy marrying the "rebound" guy?

 

1) The message *I* believe you'd send if you replied, is the same as at the BBQ. You may or may not have feelings for her but you'll always be respectful to her and her relationship. I am also on board with you replying just to be respectful, if you will. No, I do not think you NEED to reply, so that ones totally up to you. I just know, I, personally , would.

 

2) I believe people get married in "comfortable", rebound situations all the time. Now does that mean it'll last? Theres no way of knowing. Do I think you should wait and wonder, absolutely not. If fate has you guys together in its plans, you'll end up together eventually. However I tend to assume whatever higher power you believe in(if you have one), is pushing you to move forward with your own life, just as she is.

[Been]

You got this all wrong. Giving her way too much credit.

She tells you she is engaged to show you she has someone- to show off per say. Other wise why would she bother you with that- its not for concern or your business.

She is up and down with you because she has doubts and you tolerate it by not going NC.

She does it because you ALLOW it.

[Hoosfoos]

Under no circumstances should you reply to this.

[stillafool]

 

The biggest thing I regret is that I took out my frustrations on her while I was struggling which ultimately led to her being pushed away. Although many times it was justified due to her drinking issue that would creep up once in a while but outside of that I would constantly complain about everything else in general. People, politics, and the smallest things ALL the time. I had a me vs. the world attitude. It was awful. And in reality it was because deep down I felt like a failure which led me to take it out on myself and everyone around. I convinced this girl to come with me across the country, promised her how great it was going to be and then I end up struggling and she ends up having to take care of everything and put up with my ****. A year after we broke up I wrote her a letter confessing my remorse I felt for this and that I understood how she could have fell out of love with me but still confused as to why she didn't feel it was worth it to completely throw it away without trying again. She appreciated me admitting this and told me not to be so hard on myself because she knows I'm a good person but also let me know how much it affected her mentally and that she felt going back to me would be like going backwards.

 

The reason I point this out is that I feel like ultimately she still loves me but has convinced herself long ago that it is too dangerous and risky to get involved with me ever again. I think she feels it's not worth the risk to give up the peaceful situation she has just to go back to a relationship where there's the risk of me falling back into "my old ways". Honestly, I think the relationship she has is a safe space for her (at least initially, since she jumped right into it quickly after we broke up) and even if she ever felt like she wanted me back I don't think she'd ever have it in her to break this guys heart and leave him to go back to me, especially if he hasn't done anything. I know the ball is in her hand but I highly doubt she'd ever use it. She's always struggles making decisions and has always been known to be easily led and strung along.

 

 

I guess my questions are:

1) By not responding, what message is that sending to her? If she still loves me

2) If she does still love me, is it possible for her to truly be happy marrying the "rebound" guy?

 

Sorry, but forget all of the above. She is engaged to who she wants to marry and it's best to look at it that way. If she was still in love with you she wouldn't be engaged to him. I've been where you are and the best thing to do is text her back "congratulations and I wish you the best". Then block her from ever contacting you again and move on with your life. It is really over this time.

[stillafool]

When you have been in a long relationship with someone, break up and move on to someone else, then get engaged; you do wonder how to tell your ex. You wonder if it will hurt them more if you tell them about your engagement or if someone else does. You think you are doing the right thing by telling them yourself but they think you are trying to hurt them when in fact you are trying to be respectful. I've been in both positions and I really don't think your ex was trying to hurt you be telling you she is now engaged to marry.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Ghost it. Don't even reply. She is a piece of work. You white knighted her to get out of trouble and you paid for it with the bosses son. Now she's back to abusing alcohol and galavanting across Europe with some Bohunk. Whatever, your better than that! Block her number and keep moving forward.

[Highndry]

Thanks for your responses guys. Very much appreciated.

I guess I have two questions, but I want to point out something first...

 

The biggest thing I regret is that I took out my frustrations on her while I was struggling which ultimately led to her being pushed away. Although many times it was justified due to her drinking issue that would creep up once in a while but outside of that I would constantly complain about everything else in general. People, politics, and the smallest things ALL the time. I had a me vs. the world attitude. It was awful. And in reality it was because deep down I felt like a failure which led me to take it out on myself and everyone around. I convinced this girl to come with me across the country, promised her how great it was going to be and then I end up struggling and she ends up having to take care of everything and put up with my ****. A year after we broke up I wrote her a letter confessing my remorse I felt for this and that I understood how she could have fell out of love with me but still confused as to why she didn't feel it was worth it to completely throw it away without trying again. She appreciated me admitting this and told me not to be so hard on myself because she knows I'm a good person but also let me know how much it affected her mentally and that she felt going back to me would be like going backwards.

 

The reason I point this out is that I feel like ultimately she still loves me but has convinced herself long ago that it is too dangerous and risky to get involved with me ever again. I think she feels it's not worth the risk to give up the peaceful situation she has just to go back to a relationship where there's the risk of me falling back into "my old ways". Honestly, I think the relationship she has is a safe space for her (at least initially, since she jumped right into it quickly after we broke up) and even if she ever felt like she wanted me back I don't think she'd ever have it in her to break this guys heart and leave him to go back to me, especially if he hasn't done anything. I know the ball is in her hand but I highly doubt she'd ever use it. She's always struggles making decisions and has always been known to be easily led and strung along.

 

 

I guess my questions are:

1) By not responding, what message is that sending to her? If she still loves me

2) If she does still love me, is it possible for her to truly be happy marrying the "rebound" guy?

 

Those kinds of letters, while they seem like a good idea, only solidify the resolve of the dumper. You essentially told her it was all your fault and she did the right thing. Rather than draw her closer it actually pushed her away. A fiery letter filled with contempt (not that I recommend this) would probably have done more to bring her back.

 

People want what they can't have. When a dumpee's wallowing in regret and self pity, pining away for the dumper, they couldn't be more unattractive. If they have an attitude of "f*** you, I'm way better off without you!" then the dumper starts questioning their decision.