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Should I pursue her or is it over?

Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 24th October 2017, 12:35 PM   #16
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Buddy, she's not into you. It doesn't matter what you want or don't want, what you wish you would have done, etc., it's over. And, no contact doesn't mean cyber-stalking. You're contacting her when you do that, she just doesn't know it. Why in the hell would you be torturing yourself by looking at this Instagram nonsense anyway? Move on, and don't even think about her. She's a stranger at this point. You can be cordial at the office, but I'd recommend looking for a woman who's into you, as she so clearly is not.
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Old 25th October 2017, 12:01 AM   #17
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She is with the guy as we speak. The fact that you are willing to be option B really says something about your self esteem and what you think of yourself. No bueno and you should try working through your self esteem before trying a healthy relationship.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 3:32 PM   #18
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Unhappy Struggling to get over her - any tips/discussion

Hey all, so I originally posted my story in this thread, but in a nutshell:
  • Started seeing the new girl at work
  • things moves fast and pretty intense relationship for a couple of months
  • girl meets someone else and decides to end things with me supposedly as I wasn't committed enough to her*
*note: We weren't "official" at this point so technically she didn't do anything wrong? Idk it's all messed up...

There's lots more inbetween, but those are the main points. I've been following all of the usual advice, and been getting out loads more - in truth my social life has probably never been better and I'm a lot closer to my friends who have been there for me during this experience, but... I just can't stop thinking about her.

I should probably say at this point that we still work together so I see her literally every Monday - Friday for most of the day which obviously doesn't help.

I'm trying to keep NC/LC as much as possible, I've blocked her on FB, Insta and Whatsapp (not that she messages me anymore since the split) and I don't initiate any conversation with her at work. Even when she tries to ask how I'm doing and what I've been up to I just give her a one word answer and walk away. It's so damn hard though!!

I can't stop thinking about her all the time and the last couple of days I thought I was getting over it, but a new wave of longing has hit me and I just really miss everything we were. I know that I shouldn't want her back after everything that has happened but despite what I know in my head I still wake up and go to sleep with this deep sadness in the pit of my stomach every day.

At work I have to endure her gossiping about her new BF with the other girls (she doesn't shout about it in front of me, but naturally I hear snippets of conversation here and there throughout the day) and see her face light up whenever she gets a text, and I feel like it's slowly killing me.
Sometimes I have to force myself to eat during the day and I keep waking up in the middle of the night due to sheer sadness from thinking about her.

I'm past the point of kidding myself about being with her anymore - I know that it's over and I guess to her credit, she isn't stringing me along either, but it's so depressing. It kills me everytime I walk past her and she doesn't even look at me anymore, we've gone from being so affectionate and flirty to basically strangers.

I don't know what advice I want really, I just needed to vent/discuss this with someone
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Old 2nd November 2017, 5:06 PM   #19
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Hey OP,

It's tough to move on when you see the person who broke your heart everyday. Almost impossible actually. Are you in a position to relocate and find a new place to work? If you are, I would seriously consider this. A change of scene will help give you a fresh start, meet new people, and best of all, she will be out of sight; all ingredients that jump-start the healing process.

Last edited by Beachead; 2nd November 2017 at 5:09 PM..
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Old 2nd November 2017, 5:27 PM   #20
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As it happens I was reaching the end of my tether with my job anyway and I had a very positive call about a new role with a recruiter today, so yes I'm definitely in a position to do so and am looking to be somewhere else by the end of the year.

I also know for a fact that she too will be leaving the company at the end of the year to find somewhere new, so even if I don't manage to find a new place as soon as I'd like, we still won't be working together.

It's going to be a looong 7 weeks until then though :|
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Old 2nd November 2017, 5:43 PM   #21
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Yes it will be but that's good that changes will be coming soon.

Hang tough. I suggest in the mean time treating yourself. Take up some kind of activity or hobby that you've always wanted to try or even pick something random and go for it. Shake your life up. The shock might help distract you which may alleviate some of suffering. For example, I was considering taking some acting lessons to help with me deal with my own breakup.
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Old 9th November 2017, 12:23 PM   #22
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One week on...

Felt like updating this as I feel much better for some reason...

So as I said before, I'm past the point of kidding myself in us getting back together. I had a really good chat with one of my workmates at the pub last Friday when I was feeling a bit miserable, and we spoke about the relationship with my ex. My friend was really awesome, sympathised with me on the whole situation (including how much it sucks that we work together) and really helped me to see my ex's flaws from her perspective - all things I knew but had rose tinted and been blind to.

I felt a lot better after our chat, went out on Saturday and didn't think of the situation too much over the weekend. I practically ignored my ex in the office on Monday and I truly felt like I was at a point of acceptance about the whole thing, but something was still really bugging me.

I then weighed up a lot of things and decided that in our current situation, it's literally impossible to got NC as we see eachother for hours each day and I hear all of the office gossip one way or another. To be honest, ignoring her and trying to avoid her was pretty exhausting too. I'm generally a very friendly guy and I thrive on talking to the people around me, and I felt like every time I walked past her desk (which throughout the day is a lot due to the location) I had to make a point of ignoring her which was just draining and made me more upset every time I did it.

Based on that, I took up a new attitude and decided to just be my usual fun - even flirty self around her and carry on as I always have been, at least until we both leave in about 6 weeks time when I won't have to worry about seeing her anymore. I feel so much more comfortable on a daily basis now, and with no expectations about us at all, it doesn't really bother me if we have a chat and there's no flirting involved as I know that that time is over. I also re-followed her on Instagram and unblocked her on Whatsapp - I haven't messaged or made a point of checking her profile every day but I've re-opened the lines of communication.

Do I still want her deep down? Part of me does of course. I love what we had and still miss it every day, I miss her affection and I do still fancy her a bit when I see her. Whenever my thoughts drift to her and the new guy I still get huge pangs of sadness in my gut, but I also know now in my head that we're just not right for eachother. I feel like getting a new perspective has allowed me to focus a bit and really see the ways in which she is immature, insecure, loves to gossip (my pet peeve), lacks real responsibility and has bounced from relationship to relationship like an emotional game of 'the floor is lava'. Again, all things I knew (besides the number and frequency of relationships) but had overlooked because I really had feelings for her.

I now know that her and the Canadian guy are an official boyfriend/girlfriend couple, and as I suspected, I know she is flying out there to spend xmas/NYE with him for a couple of weeks. But... I'm not that fussed anymore. There hasn't been a chance for us for a long time and that's it. I'm just single now and getting on with my own life and she's getting on with hers.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't benefit hugely from not seeing her every day as it does still suck, but I feel like I'm slowly getting there with the current situation.
What does everyone else think? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is there some kind psychological thing deep-down that has led me to doing this that will burn me hard in a few weeks?

Just curious I guess.

As usual, thanks a lot for all of the advice thus far everyone, it really is so appreciated!
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Old 9th November 2017, 10:34 PM   #23
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You really can't move forward until you go NC.
Your mind is going to start playing tricks on you. You'll read into things. Or you'll sit around and analyze everything over and over again.
I work with my ex. It does suck but you have to deal with it
You know I was the same as you. I sat there and waited for someone who never really loved me to begin with and they came back. But it wasn't because they missed me- it was because they got dumped and here I was waiting. And you know what ? It was HORRIBLE the second time. Any fond memories I had of her in the past were washed away the second time with all the lying and manipulation.I actually ended it which surprised even me because at one point in my mind she was the greatest woman I ever met.
Now when I see her at work I just think god what a waste of time she was. How dumb I was begging for someone to love me.
I tell you all this because your own the same road I was on. And its a road that doesn't lead anywhere.
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:05 AM   #24
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Appreciate the insight Been.

To be honest it's a road I'm stuck on until xmas at least when I can finally, properly go NC. Saying that, I really feel like I'm past the 'waiting around' stage already, and based on everyone's posts here and since speaking to my friend, I have to question if I really want her anymore anyway.

I'm now at a point where I realise miss the affection and having someone to text all the time etc... but that doesn't necessarily have to be her, and I don't really think it should be.

I felt very strongly for her at one point, but the last couple of weeks in particular have really made me think twice about the whole thing.

Our relationship on a daily basis is nothing more than harmless banter at this stage which is fine I guess and I'm not really reading into anything as I know it's all just empty words, but I'd welcome not having to deal with her anymore at all to be honest!
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Old 10th November 2017, 12:26 PM   #25
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Oh I know. Having to see an ex is harder because you can't control not seeing them. It becomes annoying.
And usually at some point when you have started to fully move on and aren't bothered by seeing them the ex will start to see if they can get your attention in some small way. That's when you have to be careful of your actions because all they are trying to do is see if they get a rise out of you in some way.
My ex will still "run" into me at work by "accident" even when its obvious what she's doing. It used to piss me off because like I said I find her presence to be annoying but then I realized any sort of reaction on my part just feeds her ego.
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