why did he cut me off

[N2017]

Hi, so I was seeing a guy but we were not in a formal relationship. We started out as friends, and I was reluctant to take things further with him, which has often led to frustration for the last few months that we have been talking in "friendlier" terms and confess how we felt about each other. He has been very sexually active, whereas I am a virgin and he was my first kiss. I had heard things about him being a player and that further added to my anxiety, both from others and eventually from him. I guess here lies the confusion: I started to consent to doing sexual things such as kissing and letting him see and touch my breasts and other stuff. I told him I didn't want to have sex until we had really gotten to know each other over a couple of years and trust each other completely, and I also wanted him to get tested since he had told me he had been involved with many girls sexually. He said he got the test but would not show me the results and would get defensive when I asked for it, and when we met up a couple times I guess I was nervous and wasn't as willing to do the things we talked about because it was my first time being touched like that. I loved him but I was scared. He then cut me off and blocked me, claiming he was "too freaky for me and I was perfect for someone else who had the same views on sex". Eventually, I tried to reconsider my views and a few months later I messaged him that I would be willing to have sex if that's what was bothering him, I just wanted to feel like he was being honest and transparent so I didn't have to wonder about things. He then said that was fine and he didnt mind being loyal just to me, but he didnt want a committed "boyfriend girlfriend relationship" and intead wanted a "friends with benefits" thing and since my parents don't approve of him and i had so much school and he did too I was fine with that. I asked him what he would do if the sex wasn't good since I was a virgin and he told me don't worry I will make him happy like no girl will. He wanted to get to it "as soon as possible" and i told him i wanted to see the report first because he had never showed it to me, and it wouldnt change my decision. He kept trying to ask me if I would do it even if he couldn't get the report right away and I told him get that firsy and then we'll go from there. We were talking for like a day and then after i said that he doesnt respond for hours and he unfriends me all of a sudden again and I ask him if he did and he's like yes I'm sorry I don't want to have any contact with you again and let this be the last goodbye. We are both pretty young and I get he doesn't want to much commitment, but I just don't understand how in one day he can blow so hot and cold. Like I said, this is not the first time and I just need clarity. I'm not really sad I'm actually kinda relieved because losing virginity is really something I'd rather wait for. Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

He was never hot & cold. He was only after one thing: Sex. I don't say that very often but OMG the guy you describe was a cad, a player & probably a liar.

 

 

You are a virgin. If you intend to stay that way do not date men who say they don't want a commitment & only wants friends with benefits. In that context here you misconstrued the word "friend" as it applied to your interactions with this manipulative cad. It does mean friend in the sense that you mean it -- a person who cares about you & has your well being at heart. Here it means solely an uncommitted sex partner. The benefits in this friendship are sex acts & the friendship exists predominantly to facilitate the exchange of bodily fluids. Little if any mutual support or caring is involved.

 

 

Stop saying you want to be "friends first." That is also a misuse of the word friend. What you are actually seeking is a romance with an understanding partner who will not pressure you for sex before you are ready because he respects your decision to wait and is willing to get to know you over a long period of time through dates (planned activities) which may involve kissing & possibly petting but not intercourse.

 

 

Find a nice boy who actually wants to be boyfriend /girlfriend. Until then no kissing, let alone anything else. Have some self respect. If you don't respect yourself & honor your own boundaries, nobody else will respect you.

 

 

This man fed you a line of BS at every turn & you swallowed it hook like & sinker. I'm shocked he didn't try to sell you a bridge or some ocean front property in Arizona. He didn't show you his test results because he never had the test done. He promised you would make him happy like no other woman ever had because you were going to be the first virgin he bagged. You were a trophy notch on his bedpost nothing more.

 

 

Be happy he's out of your life.

[N2017]

Honestly, thank you so much. I totally agree. Just to clarify, I meant we started out as friends because we were in the same math class together. I wanted a committed relationship if we were gonna go there but it's stupid because guys like him don't do commitment regardless of what they say. I regret putting my emotions first and you're so right. He's not worth it, and I will take this opportunity to focus on my school. I just needed to hear (or read) this to snap me out of it.

[d0nnivain]

School comes first. There is a lots of time to find a nice guy later.

 

 

Stick to your guns. If a boy tells you that "if you loved him, you'd have sex with him" you tell him that "if he loved you, he'd be patient & wait until you're ready."

[Captivating]

Hi N,

You are very lucky that nothing happened !

He would not have been the best "first boyfriend" given that he seems immature, selfish and inconsiderate.

You have standards -- that's GREAT ! --don't let a sex craved kid dictate for you, and don't reconsider your standards if he walks away just like that. You lowered your standards, going after him after he dumped you (NO,NO,NO) ...this might have given the impression that you don't have a strong self-esteem.

 

It's good to get to know the person you are dating before sex happens; however, nowadays most people do not wait for years

It is good to wait, maybe "playing hard to get" for a bit... the harder you achieve something in life the more you appreciate it, it sends a signal that you value yourself.

Guys respect women more if they are not "easy" to get.

 

A classy woman would communicate her standards but would also be kind to the guy telling him that she finds him attractive... bitter-sweet

So after a movie/dinner a man invites you over to his house ... you would say

"Adam, I really had a great time with you tonight, I would love to get together sometime later this week. Although I find you very attractive, I cannot move this fast"

 

A guy who really likes you ... would be on fire after this

 

I would not deal with this boy anymore ... you wouldn't have got much out of that "friends with benefits" deal. Why would you want to be a "friend" like that ??? In a sense it is a degrading term.....so he would not date you, taking you out, bringing you flowers , but he would gladly have 5 minute sex with you .... NO THANK YOU!

Basically he wants to do zero effort for you but wants the best part of a relationship, sex for FREE.

What a leech!

 

Do you want a man who wants to use you as a sex toy ? No, you are a lady who values herself for more.

If I were you I would wait until I'm in love and have sex with that man, sex is so much better with someone like that.

 

You asked why he cut you off ?? He wants to do the least amount of effort with maximum benefit ... he is lazy and very immature. So he is trying to get other girls who are easier to get because he is young, immature and very horny.

Please do not consider this as rejection, he is a selfish prick, sex with different girls means fun for him. What a sad, sad existence, isn't it?

 

I understand that you are feeling rejected, this is why it is hard to move on for you ....

this is what we feel during a breakup that is so heart wrenching ... BUT from this idiot this is a blessing not a rejection !

STD with him would have been quite possible ....

 

BLESSING !!

 

Always watch what a guy does for you when you start dating.

HUGS !

[N2017]

Hi Captivating,

Thank you so much for your advice. Yeah I also made a huge mistake of also telling him before that I had self esteem issues during the time we were strictly friends/classmates. I'm annoyed at myself honestly because in the past I have been very good about enforcing my rules and making sure that the guy either follows or gets lost, and I was fine if they did get lost, so I have been so frustrated with myself for letting him slide. Everyone around me tells me he's no good but yet I kept wanting to give him chances... very ashamed.

 

I am definitely not going to deal with him anymore. Right now I go to university and he goes to CC, and although I might see him since next semester I'm going to take a GE class there and attend university I have no desire to speak or look at him. One thing I forgot to add to my original post is that I spent literally months explaining my rules to him and telling him exactly what I wanted before I let him do absolutely anything, and he said he was okay with that and eventually he told me he was okay with waiting for sex. So I have felt very betrayed and lied to and I guess venting helps me further heal.

 

You're absolutely right, I don't want to be treated like that, and the only reason I was even okay with it was because he was consenting to monogamy, honesty, and the STD test report, it just seemed more like a long distance relationship the way he described it and what he agreed to. However looking back he would have slithered out of that promise as well, just like he did before. He is immature and he hasn't had to go through all the hoops I was making him jump through before so I guess he felt like why bother.

 

I did feel rejected for a while but then the only reason he did that at first is because I rejected sex with him atm. The second time around, I regretted telling him that and I was considering calling the whole thing off, so I guess he did the work for me.

 

Thank you for all your help.

[preraph]

Hon, this is not your guy. It's doubtful he ever even got tested. He probably just hoped you'd take his word for it but then you asked him about it twice so he knew he was caught lying.

 

This guy only wants sex. I hate to break it to you, but a LOT of young guys are very focused on getting sex and will say anything you want to hear to get it. I am not one of those people who believes in holding out for marriage to have sex and here's why: Because most guys are really too immature and single-minded (only want sex) to be ready for marriage until they're about 30 -- and if you wait that long, you will have wasted a big part of your best years.

 

That said, you want and deserve a real boyfriend who wants more than just sex and it's not easy to find one. They will fool you. But instead of holding out for 2 years, maybe 90 days is more reasonable. If a guy really likes you, he can surely wait 90 days. The problem with telling a guy a deadline is he may just feel perfectly justified in continuing to go out and have sex with other women while pretending to wait out your chastity period.

 

I say get to know a guy over at least 2-3 months and when they seem totally focused on you and aren't trying to hide anything from you (like this guy) and you aren't having to wonder what they're up to but can just tell he's all focused on you and not just sexually, then that is a better choice to lose your virginity with. The way you tell a guy is really liking you and not just wanting sex is seeing if they do things for you, like if you live on your own, maybe they help with something around the house or on your car. They check on your car to be sure it's got good tires and brakes because they are protective of you. They are considerate to you and aren't just selfish and only thinking about themselves. If you ask them to slow down, whether in a car or on the sofa, they slow down and don't get annoyed. When you're sick, they see if they can do anything. They don't just show up at night hoping tonight's the night you give in.

 

If your parents are around, and I assume they are, you let your dad check out all those guys because men know what other men are capable of and can see through some BS in a quick minute.

 

Good luck. Don't get in a hurry. Dump this guy. He's not good. He's just begging for sex. They're all super sweet when they want sex. You want one who's nice all the time, not just when they're leading up to romance.

[N2017]

Yes preraph thank you you are so right. My parents had heard from my friends how trash he was and they told me to stay away from him, but I guess I was too caught up in stupidity. Yeah I think he did fear that I'd catch him lying about the report because before he cut off the first time he got defensive about bringing me the report, and then he cooled off and told me he would get it in a week. Now that I think about it, a week from when he claimed he got the test was when he cut me off the first time. So then he tells me, months later when we're talking again, that he still hasn't gotten the report and he needs to pick it up. Another contradiction because he originally said they're going to "send" the report. The story was not straight from the get-go, and although I should have never came running back to him like an idiot consenting to doing it before I was ready I was not going to do it with him until I saw the report, and he knew that I wasn't budging.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me.

[joseb]

He was never hot & cold. He was only after one thing: Sex. I don't say that very often but OMG the guy you describe was a cad, a player & probably a liar.

.

 

Yip, totally.

[LeeBrando]

I agree with most of the advice given to you, but here's a tip... USE PARAGRAPHS!

[1fish2fish]

I was a virgin until I was 30.

 

Why? Because I wasn't ready, and no bf had ever pushed that boundary.

 

Wait until you're ready, and wait for the right person.

 

Also, there is no need to tell any boy you are a virgin. When you do that, it tends to be viewed as a challenge. You are worth far more than a notch on someone's bedpost.

[ExpatInItaly]

Be glad this guy cut you off. He would've toyed with you and hurt you if you had gone through with sex.

 

Why did he cut you off suddenly? Well, as the others already said, he was after sex. That's it. When you pushed for the report (and good for you!) he knew he couldn't produce it and had to run away.

 

He couldn't produce for one of two reasons:

 

1) He was never tested, and there is no report.

2) He was tested, and he tested positive for something and the report indicates that.