Trying to get through recent breakup (long)

[Jake005]

First time poster here. I've read the forum before and feel like it may help me right now. Anyways, my gf (and best friend) of 1 year just broke up with me a few days ago. We're both 20 years old. We've known each other for several years and dated seriously twice before this. One ended in a short break up initiated by her. Second time was a mutual break-up that lasted about a year (although we were back in touch after about 6 months). She dated a few guys in between. I hung out with some girls and stuff like that but nothing serious. I'm not the type to date a girl unless I really like them. Went NC both times and she ended up contacting me.

 

Fast forward to this most recent stint. We got back together because we felt like we had changed enough to make it work. I told her we needed to communicate better this time and not keep things bottled up. Everything was great, and we had even talked about a permanent future together (I know, too young). We didn't regret it at all and felt like we had made the right decision. We had small fights like every couple, but we were both still very happy. Then, things started to change a few months ago. We started having more arguments over little things and our interaction together just didn't feel the same. We still had a lot of good times, but this is where the problems first originated. Looking back on it now, I had just started a new job and was having some family issues at the time (which I told her about). I think it affected my mood and the amount of effort/importance I put into the relationship. I've kinda been in a rut ever since and there where times where I just didn't treat her like I did at the beginning. I didn't try to do things for her that she valued. I don't wanna take all the blame because I do think she could have tried harder and been more understanding. I also never felt the little things I did were truly appreciated.

 

I thought things would get better when we came back to school, but it stayed mostly the same. She started acting really disinterested/indifferent which made me somewhat clingy and insecure. She said she was just busy and stressed with school. She just changed majors this year (which I encouraged her to do because she wasn't happy in her previous one). I probably didn't respond to this like I should have thinking maybe there was another guy or something was up. Although I haven't see any real signs of there being someone else. Finally, we hung out with some friends last week and she was completely cold towards me. It didn't matter how nice I was to her, she wouldn't respond to it. I knew what this meant so I gave her some space for a few days and didn't text her hoping to give her some time to herself. She contacted me in what seemed to be a better mood. She said we needed to talk (uh oh), but she put it in a friendly way which made me think she had figured everything out.

 

On to the break-up..I came over thinking we were just gonna talk some things out. Obviously not. She gave me a few reasons, a few of which I've heard from her before. Her main reason was that she didn't think we fit each other in a relationship anymore and had changed as people. She also didn't think we could change to fit what each other wanted and it wasn't fair to either of us. She said she wanted to focus on herself and her studies and figure out how to be happy alone (although I would not be surprised at all to see her in a rebound soon since that's what she's done in the past.) She said she still loves me but that she just doesn't see it working. Apparently she had been thinking about this for a while, and I told her she should have come to me like she promised she would. She still wanted to remain friends, but I asked her how she thought that was possible considering we've never been able to handle that in the past when we weren't dating. Didn't have much of a response. She also said it may be good for me to date some new people to see if she is what I really want. Like I said earlier, while I've hung out with plenty of girls I haven't actually dated much. My only problem with her saying that is that she has gotten super jealous anytime I was with anyone else before. I made a few comments like she would never hear from me again, and that seemed to upset her. She also told me to keep her things at my place? Overall though, it was a fairly healthy break-up. I listened to everything she had to say (obviously providing some pushback) and never begged or pleaded. I've been no contact since.

 

Even though it was a "good" breakup, it hit me really hard right after. I haven't had much of an appetite and last night was the first night I got a full night's sleep. I've never had these issues in the past, but this time I feel like it's mostly my fault which is contrary to past break-ups.

 

My heart is telling me right now that we can work out these issues in the short term and get back together. But my mind is telling me it's for the best and I really need to use this time to work on improving myself and get the independence back that I had at the beginning of the relationship. I plan on staying NC, and I'm gonna try to see some other girls, and maybe I'll learn something from it. And then once I feel confident again, I'll decide where to go from there. After all this, I may find she's not worth it. One problem I do face is me and her have almost the same social circles so I feel I'm bound to run into her eventually. We also still follow each other on social media.

 

What do you guys think of this whole situation? Do you guys think this is a good mindset going forward or should I take a different approach than NC? Should I go ahead and give up any hope of this relationship ever working?

Edited September 12, 2017 by Jake005

[bummer]

Sorry to hear about your breakup and that it hurts so much this time.

 

I think when young and making many life changes it's hard to stay in love if the relationship isn't being well attended by both partners. Everyone lapses into complacency sometimes. When everything is new, complacency is a death sentence.

 

You've essentially been each other's first partner. She is politely implying she thinks she can do better. You have responded well as a true gentleman. Kudos.

 

I would propose you box and return all her things so that both of you can feel the permanence more clearly. Remain no contact. Let your heart find a balance and try to open up to dating others eventually. You'll find there is a gigantic world of new experiences if you let them into your heart.

 

Is another cycle of hot/cold dating what you want? What happens when you both graduate and get jobs in different places? If you two are struggling to stay together now, the doubts and regrets will only pile on until it's really heartbreaking to breakup. Good luck.

[HiCrunchy]

First time poster here. I've read the forum before and feel like it may help me right now. Anyways, my gf (and best friend) of 1 year just broke up with me a few days ago. We're both 20 years old. We've known each other for several years and dated seriously twice before this. One ended in a short break up initiated by her. Second time was a mutual break-up that lasted about a year (although we were back in touch after about 6 months). She dated a few guys in between. I hung out with some girls and stuff like that but nothing serious. I'm not the type to date a girl unless I really like them. Went NC both times and she ended up contacting me.

 

Fast forward to this most recent stint. We got back together because we felt like we had changed enough to make it work. I told her we needed to communicate better this time and not keep things bottled up. Everything was great, and we had even talked about a permanent future together (I know, too young). We didn't regret it at all and felt like we had made the right decision. We had small fights like every couple, but we were both still very happy. Then, things started to change a few months ago. We started having more arguments over little things and our interaction together just didn't feel the same. We still had a lot of good times, but this is where the problems first originated. Looking back on it now, I had just started a new job and was having some family issues at the time (which I told her about). I think it affected my mood and the amount of effort/importance I put into the relationship. I've kinda been in a rut ever since and there where times where I just didn't treat her like I did at the beginning. I didn't try to do things for her that she valued. I don't wanna take all the blame because I do think she could have tried harder and been more understanding. I also never felt the little things I did were truly appreciated.

 

I thought things would get better when we came back to school, but it stayed mostly the same. She started acting really disinterested/indifferent which made me somewhat clingy and insecure. She said she was just busy and stressed with school. She just changed majors this year (which I encouraged her to do because she wasn't happy in her previous one). I probably didn't respond to this like I should have thinking maybe there was another guy or something was up. Although I haven't see any real signs of there being someone else. Finally, we hung out with some friends last week and she was completely cold towards me. It didn't matter how nice I was to her, she wouldn't respond to it. I knew what this meant so I gave her some space for a few days and didn't text her hoping to give her some time to herself. She contacted me in what seemed to be a better mood. She said we needed to talk (uh oh), but she put it in a friendly way which made me think she had figured everything out.

 

On to the break-up..I came over thinking we were just gonna talk some things out. Obviously not. She gave me a few reasons, a few of which I've heard from her before. Her main reason was that she didn't think we fit each other in a relationship anymore and had changed as people. She also didn't think we could change to fit what each other wanted and it wasn't fair to either of us. She said she wanted to focus on herself and her studies and figure out how to be happy alone (although I would not be surprised at all to see her in a rebound soon since that's what she's done in the past.) She said she still loves me but that she just doesn't see it working. Apparently she had been thinking about this for a while, and I told her she should have come to me like she promised she would. She still wanted to remain friends, but I asked her how she thought that was possible considering we've never been able to handle that in the past when we weren't dating. Didn't have much of a response. She also said it may be good for me to date some new people to see if she is what I really want. Like I said earlier, while I've hung out with plenty of girls I haven't actually dated much. My only problem with her saying that is that she has gotten super jealous anytime I was with anyone else before. I made a few comments like she would never hear from me again, and that seemed to upset her. She also told me to keep her things at my place? Overall though, it was a fairly healthy break-up. I listened to everything she had to say (obviously providing some pushback) and never begged or pleaded. I've been no contact since.

 

Even though it was a "good" breakup, it hit me really hard right after. I haven't had much of an appetite and last night was the first night I got a full night's sleep. I've never had these issues in the past, but this time I feel like it's mostly my fault which is contrary to past break-ups.

 

My heart is telling me right now that we can work out these issues in the short term and get back together. But my mind is telling me it's for the best and I really need to use this time to work on improving myself and get the independence back that I had at the beginning of the relationship. I plan on staying NC, and I'm gonna try to see some other girls, and maybe I'll learn something from it. And then once I feel confident again, I'll decide where to go from there. After all this, I may find she's not worth it. One problem I do face is me and her have almost the same social circles so I feel I'm bound to run into her eventually. We also still follow each other on social media.

 

What do you guys think of this whole situation? Do you guys think this is a good mindset going forward or should I take a different approach than NC? Should I go ahead and give up any hope of this relationship ever working?

 

Hey I know you are going through a hard time now and I know it hurts but it will get better. I think relationships can work with both parties are willing. Right now that is not the case. And that is okay.

I believe in second chances (even third depending on the circumstances) but if you are both meant to be, then I think giving each other room to grow without each other is best.

 

Try NC for one to two years (no social media, no birthday texts nothing so that you really have time to learn about yourself and have room to grow as people. Then if you are meant to be (hence both single) maybe you can try to reach out again. I don't know if working out things now would be worth the pain. You need to heal