Always follow your gut instinct

[lostinanotherplace]

I recently found out my girlfriend was cheating on me with 2 different guys or maybe even more...

 

There were so many red flags that I pushed away or simply ignored because I was in love with girl...

 

When I first met her I fell in love straight away. She was exactly my type. she had a fiancé at the time but we had sex the first night and met each other nearly everyday night. The first red flag was she wasn't breaking up with her fiancé. I told her that she needed to tell him because it wasn't right. I found out that she had a boyfriend before me whom she was also cheating on her fiancé with. So for the next month I kept telling her to tell the fiancé about us. He lived in another state so was completely clueless. I had a feeling she was monkey branching with me and him. Finally at my insistence she broke up with him a month later...

 

After the first 6 months we had an argument about our future, she wanted to marry but it was too soon for me, we both decided to take a break for a couple of weeks, but not break up… A few weeks later on my birthday she didn’t meet me though and didn’t answer my phone calls. The next morning she said she was drinking with female coworkers but I had a really strong gut feeling that something wasn’t right. Slowly she trickle truthed me. She was drinking with girls but there was one guy there and they kissed but that was all. When I pushed for more information she went crazy calling me paranoid and a horrible person for trying to make her admit something she hadn’t done. My gut feeling wouldn't quit so I kept pushing for the truth, where she said she would kill herself if I asked any more questions...Then I found out they had sex but he raped her on her friends couch when her friends were sleeping. Finally after a month of guy feelings and pushing for the truth I found out that there were no female friends at all and she met this guy as a date and it was consensual sex. She said it was a mistake and the guy only used her for a one night stand, so like a fool I took her back because at the time I knew she was suffering from depression...

 

Around the same time as all this drama was going on I see she is talking to a guy on her phone before she can delete it. Alarm bells are going off and my gut is doing Red Alert. Again I push for the truth, she tells me I'm crazy and horrible and then one month later after lots of fighting and trickle truth she admits that they had sex but it was really rape or so she says, even though she went to his house alone.

I really loved her so much and all the lies have really messed me up mentally and physically so I continue the relationship because she says she will kill herself if “I throw her away”.

 

Fast forward to her birthday, I buy her a diamond bracelet. The next day I surprise her at her apartment, she tries to hide her phone. I see she is talking to another different guy. She tells me he is just a friend though and he lives in another country so it's just friendship. However, I find out they've been doing sexual talk. I forgive her and one month later she finally blocks and deletes him from her Facebook.

 

I really love her a lot and things really start to improve in our relationship. She is being "open and honest" but I really still can't trust her at all. But I'm trying really hard because every time we fight or argue she threatens suicide because I've thrown her away...

 

For about 6 months our relationship is great. Everything is perfect. I'm thinking about proposing to her.

 

 

Fast forward to our 2 year anniversary and we have another big arguement because she receives a text from a guy, who I later learn is just an old friend from high school, she is really angry at me for acting like that on our 2 year anniversary date and we take time apart again to rethink our relationship…

 

A few days later my gut instinct starts to go crazy again. I ask her about it but she calls me crazy and paranoid again. We argue really bad for a long time. She says she hates me for not believing her. She goes on holiday with family a week later and the whole time my gut instinct is going haywire, I’m really depressed I don’t know what to do. I call her on the holiday and accuse her of talking to other guys on Facebook and lying about it. She ignores me for the rest of her holiday. When she comes back from the holiday there are 2 guys, both friends from the holiday destination on her Facebook. I ask her about this and she calls me a crazy paranoid stalker and self harms because I'm making her crazy with accusations... By this time I’m really mentally depressed and wondering whether she is right. Maybe the first two times she lied and cheated have damaged me and made me paranoid…

 

Still my gut intuition is telling me something is seriously wrong because she is really cold after the holiday. Things get a little better and we try and patch things up. She tells me she is going to a BBQ in the city next to ours at a coworkers house where she stays the night… red flag but I ignore it because I love her and she has got me thinking that I’m crazy. Her Facebook is completely blocked but I know she is online on messenger every night so I know she is chatting with someone… we argue when I ask her about it and we break up… at this time she unblocks me on Facebook and I see she has added a guy from the same city as her coworkers BBQ one month before the BBQ. I do a bit more Facebook investigation and find that she doesn't know anyone in that city except this guy. I ask her about it and she denies ever even talking to him on Facebook. I believe her but still believed she cheated with one of the guys from her holiday, my gut instinct is going even crazier and has never been wrong, so after a few drinks I contact one of the guys from her holiday and ask him why he is contacting my girlfriend. He says that he never did anything with her and he was just the coach driver on one of her tours, but if she has cheated before I should just move on because cheaters never change. She finds out because I admit to her what I've done and she goes crazy and says she never wants to see me again.

 

My gut instinct was wrong and I feel terrible and awful… I beg for forgiveness… we finally make up and I ask her to just tell me the truth because I love her. She denies ever even contacting the other city guy and I believe her stupidly and says she isn't talking to any guys and there is nothing with the holiday guys. We start to hang out again. Dating a little. She is really cold and distant and is always checking her phone or looking at her watch. I feel that because of my stupid paranoid behavior I've lost the love of my life.

 

But I still feel deep down that she has lied but she swears to god that she has been honest, so I really start to believe that I am going crazy and paranoid. She says she needs time to recover from what I've done to her. She says she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I tell her I love her and that we can make it work.

 

One day she doesn't answer any of my emails so I go to her apartment to see her. In her room she tries to hide her phone and I see messages from the other guy from the holiday( the one I didn't contact because I thought he wasn't her type) and I also see her quickly delete messages from the guy in the other city that she swore to god she had never even contacted, aswell as many other texts from guys that she had previously sworn she never contacted before.

 

At this point I walk away and don’t look back… I don’t want to wait months to find out she slept with these guys because I already know the answer. And as soon as I walked away my gut instinct went back to sleep…

 

For 2 years I ignored all the red flags, I forgave all the lies and patiently accepted her trickle truths… Only for her to try and manipulate me into believing I was crazy and paranoid to cover her lies and cheating…

I’ll never understand how someone I loved so much could do that, lie to someone's face or easily cheat without even feeling guilty over it.

I know she loved me because I felt it and I saw it. But why did it disappear so quickly like a light being switched off?

Was anything real?

 

I was really getting ready to propose to her, so I suppose I dodged a bullet or that’s what everyone keeps telling me…

 

I hope this story can help someone to trust their gut so they don’t waste 2 years and experience the hurt and awful aftermath that I have wondering what was real and what was fake, what was truth and what was lie.

Now all I'm left with is hurt and questions.

Thanks for reading

[CaliBabe]

Damn. Its quite clear that this girl has serious issues with her self worth. No self respecting woman is so quick to have sex with multiple men. Its like sleeping with men makes her feel valuable and gives her worth. They say that if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you and boy is that saying correct. You couldn't see the signs from the beginning? She cheated on her FIANCE with you. HER FIANCE! She agreed to marry the guy. You were just a new guy she was dating and she was suppose to treat you better than her previous fiance?

 

I mean come on, I don't mean to sound abrasive but I feel like you need to come to terms with the truth. You need to be honest with yourself. Her telling you she will kill herself is a form of manipulation. How can someone who says they love you continue to hurt you so much. She lies, she cheats on you emotionally and physically. MULTIPLE TIMES! How many more men does she need to have sex with before you say enough is enough?

 

We accept what we think we deserve. You need to start reflecting on yourself and how you view your self worth. Someone who really knows their own value would NEVER accept being treated this way. Look at yourself in the mirror, be honest with yourself and ask why you would be willing to accept this behavior from anyone. I think working with a professional on your self worth will help you realize you deserve someone who will be honest and loyal to you. Who would never jeopardize your love by betraying you for a quick lay. You are worth more than that. I have never met you and I can tell you that you are worth more. Do you think that you are?

[lostinanotherplace]

I know people always say this but it's because I really loved her. And to be even Cornier, I honestly believed we were soulmates. When things were good between us they really were awesome.

I can understand that if she was unhappy with me she wanted to move on but I just can't understand why she would swear to god and lie and lie to my face so many times. The thing is I know she wants to have a happy long term relationship but she just lets guys f*** her and then they throw her away and she moves on to the next guy. I guess I was trying to save her.

 

I just don't understand why she lied to me and that's what hurts the most that she was monkey branching and holding onto me making me believe I was crazy and paranoid and sick while she felt she could try and find a new guy without me knowing.

Even when I found out about it all in the end she still denied it all and said I was crazy and deluded.

[bummer]

I just don't understand why she lied to me ... in the end she still denied it all and said I was crazy and deluded.

 

Well, think about the fiancee. You think he was super pumped she cheated on him with you and the other guy? Was she honest with him?

 

You knew exactly - exactly - what you were getting involved with. A girl who cheats without remorse. That was the premise of your beginning! You are a bit crazy and delusional to think you were any different. This is her. This is her MO. Be honest.

 

You should be pissed at this girl. Not in love with her anymore.

[lostinanotherplace]

And now it's been a few days later, I regret that after I last saw her, I messaged her saying a lot of ugly things and calling her very bad names. I should have been more mature looking back at it...

[lostinanotherplace]

Bummer,

Yeah I can see that. But they lived really far apart, she said she wasn't happy in that relationship and wanted to end it and we really just clicked together...

However I am starting to see that maybe I was just another sucker in a long line of suckers and now she is trying to move on to another guy if she hasn't found him already. I told her in the end that she treated me exactly the same as her ex-fiancé...

The worst thing is, that we are both 30 and the guys she lied about and possibly cheated with are in their very early twenties...

Edited September 10, 2017 by lostinanotherplace

[bummer]

the guys she lied about and possibly cheated with are in their very early twenties...

 

Get em young and dumb. She's getting smarter! Why "possibly?"

 

now she is trying to move on to another guy if she hasn't found him already

 

Don't you get it? She has 2-3 of them! She lines them up before she loses one. Efficiency when cheating is a virtue.

[lostinanotherplace]

I'll be honest, part of me hopes that one day I will receive a letter from her apologizing for everything that she lied about and she will finally admit the truth.

But I also know that will never happen.

I think her MO is to always have a couple of guys backstage and the moments she starts to feel bored in a relationship she begins the process of moving on and monkey branching into the new relationship. That's why I think she finally admitted everything the first few times she cheated, because she realized the guys just used her for a one night stand, so her monkey branching failed and she had to come back to me, maybe. Though she said she slept with those two guys to get revenge on me because she said I threw her away...

 

I guess 2 of the biggest red flags that I ignored was before our 2 year relationship, her only serious relationship was 6 months long (the fiancé)... even though we are both 30 and the number of guys she told me she slept with was around 18 but changed a lot depending on what she felt like saying...

 

And her mom told me that her daughter has a problem with lying all the time...

 

Those should have been titanic red flags but I ignored them both because I thought she was different with me.

Edited September 10, 2017 by lostinanotherplace

[Goodguy05]

Love my friend can and does blind us. It's like we can't believe the person we thought we knew is not who we thought they were. The reality is very different. I been cheated on a few times now u think by now I would be able to spot the red flags. mind u I'm in my 40's.

The recent ex did what urea did well not to the same extent but she cheated on her wx wth me she had children wth me but would reason wth me that it wasn't cheating because she wasn't in love wth him and hasn't been for 4 yrs and slept in a separate room. I swallowed that pill but deep down I knew different but ignored that feeling in my pit of my gut. She cheated because she was seeing me and hasn't told him. She didn't want to tell him because she knew he'd kick her out of the house which was going to be hard on her. I get that but cheatings cheating. The other red flag is she has pattern of meeting men at work that's where we met that's where she met her ex and then after me the next guy which only lasted a few mths because he moved to live and work overseas. These were all bad feelings that were sitting wth me and if I was describe it it was almost me knowing it was there but brushing the thoughts out of my head but subconsuicly not being able to completely trust her.

I even felt sorry for her a few mths ago because well we still work together and even after I'd been put thru hell I saw she wasn't in a good place wow can u believe that I felt sorry for her she's now picked herself up again and latches on to others in the office I don't know if she's seeing anyone but anyway the truth is usually not pretty and we ignore it. Maybe because me and u are nice we can't fathom doing to some one what they have done to us hence we ignore the signs and allow ourselves to be blindsided

Edited September 10, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Goodguy05]

Anyway try and look at it like this if u can spot the signs better... u r marriage material she is not. Hopefully u find a woman who u love and is loyal that my friend will be ur ultimate get back at her because at this stage of her life she is not capable of those qualities

Edited September 10, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Steve51]

I have been on this earth a long time. I have known wives and husbands who cheated. I saw the signs but their spouses believed every excuse and story they were told. Most spouses rather cling to any flimsy excuse than face a cheating spouse and all the bad stuff that goes with it, even if they do not divorce the first time. They want to believe.

 

When a cheater is caught they try to turn it around by getting angry at their spouse for forcing them to cheat because they did not take care of some needs that they never spoke about before. Some cheating women convince their husbands that their cheating was the husband's fault and get the husband to go for marriage counselling on their own. You can find posts like that on some marriage sites. First off, cheating is not going to solve any marital problems, only make them worse. Secondly you are proving that your solution to a problem is sex with others and that will probably remain the solution in the future. Then they all minimize their cheating and will lie about it so that it seems like nothing but some drinking and loss of inhibitions. No one in their right mind is going to tell their spouse that they cheated because the other guy has a bigger penis, much better in bed, an alpha male and makes more money. You are going to get the Reader Digest version of the affair.

 

Then after proving that they can easily lie and not be trusted after taking solemn vow, but ask you to believe them after they demonstrated that they lie and cannot be trusted. You have to be a fool to believe that. Your life will end up being suspicious of the cheating spouse all the time. She knows she got away with it and you proved that you fear divorce so if she gets caught again it will just be an argument for a few weeks and worth it. She will see in as a beta male. Usually they resent being accused of cheating if they stay together so they will either cheat again since they are being accused of it or simply because they are not made for monogamy as I wasn't after being cheated on twice.

 

I never saw marriage counselling work even though they say it does. As a former friend who was a marriage counselor and was cheated on by his wife by ignoring the signs, told me. The stats they print are not very accurate because they are based on if the couples are still together after a year. That is not a long time to find out if they will still be married after that. Most can make an effort for a year but sooner or later their normal personalities will surface again and you are back to where you started. I broke up with the two women I loved who cheated on me. Good thing I did because they went on to cheat with other husbands and even a woman.

 

My friend told me something interesting. He said that if you get caught cheating, deny everything even if caught in bed naked on top of a girl. He said what happens is that your spouse is grasping for straws to avoid a divorce which some consider a matter of honor. Soon or late their memories will fade and they will question what they saw. I have seen this in action personally with a married friend who got caught having sex in the back seat of his car. He said they were just messing around, no sex and when she barged in they were just messing around with a little drunk kissing. What she really saw was his pants down having intercourse with the girl but he stuck to his story was desperate to believe she was not really cheating that she began to doubt what she saw or wanted to doubt it to avoid the unpleasantness of a divorce.

 

I was like you with my first two lovers but not with my wife. I no longer restrained my alpha male and my wife loves me for it. She likes that I have knocked now men who flirted with her when I was in the restroom after they refused to leave. One had the nerve to tell me to let my wife decide if he or me should go. I am 6' 200 pounds and fresh out of a year of combat after being a Jock in high school making the all star football team. I was carrying a switchblade when I was 8 and hanging with the local gang in government assisted projects. I left that place with fighting skills and 28 stitches on my face and head. Most guys do not know how to fight. They end up trying to wrestle so no pride in winning. My wife had a very alpha dad and brothers and she said that is one of the things she married me for. I made her feel safe and protected no matter where we were at and I alway came to her defense. She also said something to the effect that she likes that I will not let her have a chance to have sex with other men. Two married women I know said that they resented their husbands for not being jealous enough to make sure they were not cheating. The way they explained it was that when their husbands do not worry about them cheating, they may think it is because they trust them but the wives felt that it was because they did not think he felt that they were desirable, attractive and sexy enough that other guys would hit on them. Then wanted a man who would get jealous if other guys just looked at her. My wife likes that. It makes her feel sexy knowing that I think other guys find her hot. That is what they told me so who knows.

 

Sorry for going to long but when I see posts here and elsewhere writing about how they are the blame wholly or partially for their spouse's cheating, I can guess why they were cheated on. It has been said that women want beta men to marry but alpha men to dominate them in bed. I have found that to be true based on my experience. We all have primitive brains. For most of human existence, women stood a better chance of surviving long enough to pass along their genes, our real meaning of life and sole reason we are all still here. Alpha men provided protected and provided for them and their children so those genetically programmed to recognize alpha men, got to pass on their genes a lot more than women who married weakling who did not know how to fight or was good at hunting. Although all those reasons no longer exist for women, it take a very long time to breed out genes like hair and usually genetic traits that do no harm and still are useful, stick with us a long time. Women are attracted to good looking men (healthy), big salaries (food providing) and muscular bodies or size (protection) and typically alpha male. Never met a man with a high corporate position, owner of a company, Athletic or similar who was not a very alpha male. So some husbands have that going against them once the marriage or sex goes stale. They want to feel desirable and attractive and yet many husbands take their wives for granted and no longer treat them like they did when courting them. They do not even get suspicious or jealous when they stay out too late or do things without them and always have an excuse.

 

If you want to live the rest of your life with your stomach in a knot then stay married. If you want to live with a woman who has not already proven she can be trusted, then leave your wife and find a better one.

[elaine567]

When I first met her I fell in love straight away. She was exactly my type. she had a fiancé at the time but we had sex the first night and met each other nearly everyday night. The first red flag was she wasn't breaking up with her fiancé.

 

The time to walk away was the minute you found out she had a fiancé and before you slept with her... The first red flag was not that she would not break up with her fiancé, the first red flag was that she, as an engaged woman, was out there looking for sex from a random.

 

YOU thought you were so much better than her fiancé, you would steal this "prize" off him and you would be the winner.

She was prime engagement/wife/gf material and you were lucky to get her.

BUT she was no "prize", she was no longer wife/gf material, as soon as agreed to sleep with you, a random stranger and cheat on her fiancé.

After that there were no surprises, were there?

[lostinanotherplace]

Yeah, I can totally see that.

She had just broken up with another guy who she was cheating on her fiancé with and hooked up with me.

But as soon as we met, she was my ideal type looks wise and personality wise so I was instantly drawn in by that...

now I realize karma comes around.

 

But I just want closure. I want her to contact me again to apologize and admit to all the lies because if she did that I would at least know that she had at least cared about me enough to give me that closure...

 

However, she even denied it to the very end and called me crazy to the very end and I can't believe that I was fooled so badly for 2 years and duped by such a crappy person who has no feelings at all...

[lostinanotherplace]

And now I'm left wondering how many times she cheated on me that I don't even know about.

[lostinanotherplace]

I still love her but hate her so much!

 

Both of these feelings are no good for me now.

 

Can anyone give me some kind of advice how to get over this? Or what to do now?

 

Will she ever come back once she has realized what she has thrown away?

Do these kinds of people ever feel regret ?

Edited September 10, 2017 by lostinanotherplace

[Been]

You have to accept of for what it was-nothing more nothing less.

You keep wondering if she really loved you and deep down you know the answer.

A woman like that ALWAYS has men on the side-it didn't matter what you did or how you treated her she is who she is.

I dated a woman the EXACT same as yours. My gut was always screaming that something wasn't right and 9 out of 10 my it was right.

Once they lie to you that's it. They can no longer be trusted and if you do decide to trust them- which you ended up doing- it just causes you to become so mentally exhausted because you already know sooner or latter they will cheat-almost like your waiting for your execution.

No !after how you treated her what you bought it wouldn't have mattered.

She isn't going to ever change. And you knew that but you thought if you loved her enough that she would change. But you forgot one important thing-she only cares about HER.

[fieldoflavender]

If someone can cheat WITH you they can cheat ON you as well. You weren't any better in the beginning, sleeping with someone who had a fiancé. At least wait for her to break up?

[lostinanotherplace]

Been,

 

Thank you for your reply. It was insightful.

 

You're right. It's just hard for me to accept that she could manipulate me and control me for so long...

 

This relationship has been like a heroin addiction.

Before it, I was happy, confident, sociable and my mind was clear.

But she has really f***** with my compass. I'm depressed and pissed off all the time. I've lost a lot of weight in the last month.

 

The last time we ended she said she still loved me and wanted to keep me in her life as she believed we had a deep bond.

 

But she lied to me and completely wrecked my mind.

 

It's only been a week since I walked away from her and spoke to her and I am starting to see that she was a master manipulator.

[HarmonyDriven]

I still love her but hate her so much!

 

Both of these feelings are no good for me now.

 

Can anyone give me some kind of advice how to get over this? Or what to do now?

 

Will she ever come back once she has realized what she has thrown away?

Do these kinds of people ever feel regret ?

 

Like you noted in your initial post - you dodged a bullet! Absolutely! Better late than never.

 

Anytime you think of her - think of the negatives, and based on what you have noted, there are plenty of negatives to keep your thoughts busy.

 

Stay NO CONTACT. Put away any and all photos. Delete any and all photos on social media, cell phones, etcs... Delete her contact #. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

You will need lots of time to get over this.

 

You deserve better, don't you?

 

There is a No Contact guideline on this forum, I suggest reading it...over and over. Good luck

[lostinanotherplace]

I'm wondering if I should do NC for about a month and then contact her via letter to say goodbye properly, say I can't forgive all her lies and to apologize for all the bad names I called her in our last communications, while at the same time returning the gifts she gave me - a watch etc

 

Is this a bad idea?

[CaliBabe]

I'm wondering if I should do NC for about a month and then contact her via letter to say goodbye properly, say I can't forgive all her lies and to apologize for all the bad names I called her in our last communications, while at the same time returning the gifts she gave me - a watch etc

 

Is this a bad idea?

 

 

Bad idea. Makes you look weak and lowers your value. Go NC forever. Let her suffer by never hearing from you ever again.

[lostinanotherplace]

Calibabe,

 

I think that's honest and correct advice.

You're right and I know it.

 

Thanks

[bummer]

I'm wondering if I should do NC for about a month and then contact her via letter to say goodbye properly, say I can't forgive all her lies and to apologize for all the bad names I called her in our last communications, while at the same time returning the gifts she gave me - a watch etc

 

Is this a bad idea?

 

A second vote for terrible idea. Give the stuff the charity if you don't want them. No lovelorn letter.

[lostinanotherplace]

The weakest thing of all... if I'm honest;

Is that I am feeling guilty now. Like it's all my fault.

I must have pushed her away so she went to these other guys to try and move on and then lied and deceived me about it because she didn't want to hurt my feelings ??

How F***** up is that?

A month before DDay she asked me for time and space and now I know it's because she wanted to see if it would work out with the guy in the other city first...

 

So I know she is a sh**ty person...

 

But this is the Internet and no one knows me so I'll say it;

I just want her to come back and apologize. I wouldn't want her to be my girl anymore but I still don't want to lose her from my life all together...

 

We did lose a baby together in the first year...

[Been]

Having been where you are I'll tell you what you should do.

1. This is the most painful. You have to admit to yourself she never truly loved you in the sense that normal people do.

2. Pretty much everything she said or did has to have a question mark attached to it.

3. The outcome was never in doubt. Whatever you would have done or think you should have done would not of mattered.

4. This is the most important one and you'll more then likely slip up on this one and when you do don't be too hard on yourself. You have to go NC. You can't be friends rather in person or by social media. Any opening of communication with her leaves you open to being exploited by her.

No matter what she promises or how bad she wants to talk to you refer to #2 on this list.