My wife (27 f) and I (34 m) are apart. We have a 3 year old boy and a deceased at 4

[Damagedforgood]

Hi all,

I will try to keep this short and objective but it's really hard and I am hurting right now. My wife and I met when she was 19 and I was 25. we got married 4 years later at 23 and 29. We were engaged and had chosen a date/location for the wedding when we found out she was pregnant with our first son, Caleb. We were happy as we wanted kids and even though it was scary cuz it was faster than we thought we were looking forward to everything.

I will try to explain the timing of this as it's important that you understand why and how quickly everything changed. We delayed the wedding for when Caleb would be 3 months old. We had a fairly textbook pregnancy and delivered a healthy baby right as scheduled. We were stressed from the wedding plans, getting ready for the baby, and I had started a business right around the time we conceived. It was a lot at once.

So we had Caleb and got married 3 months later. literally 2 weeks after that he had his first seizure. he was still so small they felt like shivers. he had seizures every day of his life, sometimes up to 100 a day. it truly ripped our hearts out. I should mention that she had gotten quite a big belly while pregnant and felt very uncomfortable. We had stopped making love during this time. it was almost an entire year before we consummated the marriage. I had an incredibly hard time with everything but I believe my wife had it worse. She developed post partum depression, or always had it, and I was swamped with my business responsibilities and the aching pain in my heart. I tried to be there for her and tried not to push for sex. I believed we had a lifetime together and wanted to wait for her. towards the end of that first year I felt so neglected I felt physical pain. She wouldn't hold my hand or hug me even though we slept side by side every single night.

I eventually talked to her and explained how I was feeling. I stupidly refused to go to therapy because I felt so overwhelmed. my wife stayed home full time to care for Caleb. It was the worst time of our lives, this first year of marriage. We talked a lot the second year. I had to put the business on hold because it was destroying my life. We became very very poor. After the second year things started to get better and we had our second son, Lucas, who is alive, healthy, and the absolute joy of my life. My wife and I struggled but we loved each other and we carried on.

2 years after Lucas was born I took my life savings, maxed out my credit cards, and restarted my business. My wife and I talked long and hard about this because of how much work and stress it was. She felt I had neglected her during our first year with Caleb and I felt the same towards her. We were probably both right. I did the best that I could but I was working 70-90 hour weeks and terrified of failing my hurting family. I wanted to try again and she agreed. We would do it together. It was better the second time around and I learned to be more available to my family. During this time, at a critical moment of the business, After 6 months of investing and constructing, I found out that my wife had been talking sexually with a guy online and sending each other nude photos. It honestly crushed me after everything I had been through. I remember my first thought was that she had to find somebody online to give her attention and that it was all my fault. I remember feelifeeling like a worthless failure that couldn't please his wife. Shortly after that came anger. and I made up my mind not to accept this from my life partner.

About 3-4 months after that our son Caleb passed away in his sleep. We realized before he was dead and took him to the hospital. He was still alive when we got there but he never woke up again. I remember that I was so calm and quiet. I could look at my son and miss him and not cry. the next day my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't even drive. I would wake up crying uncontrollably and fall asleep the same way. My wife, I believe, took it harder than I did. She started drinking. I remember thinking that I was strong enough. That I could get us through this. That things would get better for everybody and our poor son wasn't in pain anymore. We had a fight 2 weeks later I don't even remember what about. She told me I never loved Caleb, I was never there for him. She told me I didn't care about anybody but myself. Her words cut right through me. It just shredded away every bit of strength I thought I had. I told her I wanted a divorce, and I meant it. She never spent a single night in the home we built after Caleb passed away. She went to live with her mother.

Fast forward a year later and we are still seperated. I have been in therapy since the day my son died but she refused to go. I told her I wanted to try again and I wanted to go to therapy together. She came twice but that was it. I had a lot of anger bordering on rage at how everything happened. The person I thought I was marrying and the person that she became was so different. I still see glimpses of that beautiful and wonderful women that I know exists in her. We fought harder during this separation and I believe it's because I was selfish to save myself. When she said those things about my son and I it felt like I was drowning. like I couldn't breathe. Instead, i turned towards the shore and it felt like I saved myself. our relationship dropped like a rock, my business failed, and my son died all within a few months of each other. I barely even remember this time.

After a year with no change she essentially told me she didn't want to be with me and to move on. I did, in my own way, by focusing on exercise and my career and my son Lucas. I started sleeping with someone else and she knew about it but it was a casual thing.

I saw her tonight and wanted to explain how I still had hope for us. I wanted to explain that I was afraid of how far things have gone with no progress from her. We love each other and share so much together. I found out she is sleeping with someone else, too. it's new, just a week ago. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm having a hard time letting go. I'm terrified of meeting someone new that I care about because i'm still emotionally invested in my wife. Typing this out feels like we're so far gone I guess I just need to accept it but can anybody tell me differently?

tl;dr: married 5 years ago seperate for one. We had a son with seizures and he passed away a year ago. She started sleeping with someone else and I still don't know why I am hanging on but I love her and want to try.

[d0nnivain]

Please accept my deepest condolences on Caleb's passing.

 

You both need grief counseling & marriage counseling. The death of a child has ripped more than one marriage apart. With some professional help you may find a way to turn towards each other again.

 

 

The fact that she's sleeping with somebody else -- probably seeking comfort -- does complicate things. Still if you can manage to convince her that you two grieved differently there may be hope. However, she may be fully closed off at this point.

 

 

If that is the case you still could benefit from individual counseling.

[Jagged100]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine what you and your wife have been through. I wish I had answers for you. All I can say is that you weren't a failure, you did the best you could under what must have been exceptionally difficult circumstances. The break up of your family is not your fault alone, you and your wife are both responsible. You need to ask her if there is any chance at reconciliation, if there isn't then you'll need to accept that and try to rebuild your life. You have another child that needs you. I hope you continue with your therapy and finally get some peace in your life.