Having a hard time moving on...

[meded]

I dated this guy for just about 6 months before he recently decided to end things. To give background on the situation, i'd known him since 2013 and we would talk/flirt occasionally but that was about it. There was a time that we fell out of contact for about a year, however, we reconnected when I ended up becoming employed at the same place that he was working at. At that time though, both him and I were in relationships so although we still would chat as friends from time to time when we would cross paths at work, we never went past that. From the very beginning of knowing each other though, we always had insane chemistry to the point where we could stay on the phone for over 4 hours at a time with each other daily, send incredibly long text convos, etc. We just had a lot in common.

 

After about a year of working together, I ended up leaving the job in order to attend medical school (I am a first year medical student currently) and after leaving he reached out to me as he had ended things with the girl he was with at the time and after sometime we began officially dating. Although as stated above, we always had incredible chemistry there were some major bumps in the road. For instance, in the beginning he had a habit of disappearing for over 6+ hours during the day after we would be facilitating conversations via text. This wouldnt of bothered me if i didn't notice he was active on social media during those times. However, after pointing this out to him as something that would bother me he did change and became more consistent as far as communication was concerned, even making a point of calling me every day after he got off work. Other problems arose too though that made me second guess things, for instance, we would make plans to hangout and he would simply go missing. He did this at least 3-4 times in the 6 month period. One time he even told me he was 20 minutes away, only to disappear, ignoring my calls/texts and eventually showing back up hours later telling me he had chosen to go to the club instead... I chose to overlook those times though and he did eventually straighten up his act. However, I was left in a lot of ways feeling insecure about things so I did make assumptions a lot of the time about his motives and whether or not he was seeing other women as well.. Another issue that did contribute to my insecurity in the situation was the fact that he was a pretty big flirt. One time when we hung out he accidentally displayed his instagram dm's to me which showed he'd been messaging a bunch of women and claimed they'd just shared "innocent compliments." He also recently decided to pursue modeling so he had been pretty out there as far as his interactions with other women were concerned.

 

Long story short, he decided to recently end things stating at first that he was not ready for commitment because he was "unsure" about a lot of factors in his life (although we had initially talked about otherwise) and that I stressed him out. I can admit that I did begin to text him more as he grew distant from me but that is about it. For instance, before officially ending things, the final breakdown came when he went out of town one weekend and I did not hear from him for the entire day, despite texting him earlier that morning, however I saw that he was on social media liking old pictures from a girl he use to date... This of course sent me over the edge and I texted him notifying him of what id seen and etc. He followed that up by saying that he was "done," and didnt want to continue dating or communicating.. I respected his wishes and he came back a day later asking if we could at least still be friends. I initially agreed however, I recanted after feeling like the way he was treating me (i.e he would be rude a lot of the times) was unacceptable and therefore i seized contact from him.

 

Although this was hard for me, i was doing well with keeping up NC until this past weekend when i went out and he happened to be there. I didnt say anything to him, however, during that night out he decided to go up to one of my friends telling her that he was a good guy and that it wasnt his fault that things ended.. He also asked her if she was the reason I'd decided to seize all contact with him. This of course was a trigger for me and i decided to address him that night in a friendly manner. After this I asked him if we could also meet up for a final sense of closure on my behalf. He agreed and we met up this week. During that time he apologized for his behavior this past weekend, etc. we had a great time, laughed, talked etc. At the end of the night we did kiss and he told me that it hasnt necessarily been easy for him either and that he did miss me. He even got really sad after I initially tried leaving after our get together this past week and asked for me to walk back to his car to say goodbye again.

 

I really think this has been so hard for me because his reason for not wanting to continue seems so skewed. We have great chemistry, so much that as i stated we can talk for hours at a time and not get bored. There were even days that we would hangout and talk from sundown to sun up to sun down again of the next day, not even realizing that neither of us had eaten etc. I just dont understand why he wouldnt find to try and make things work, especially after I even forgave him for the things i mentioned above, and his only fault with me was that i made assumptions, which they only came from behaviors that I referenced above. I wish that he would've wanted to fight for this like I did. Even when we hung out he didnt even want to let me leave. As weird as it is to say i did feel like I loved him already. I am so hurt by this, I havent been able to study, eat, or sleep correctly since this all started. I want so bad for things to be different and for him to change his mind.

 

I decided though that I could not keep begging him almost and that after seeing him this week that i would not reach out to him on my own again. I need to preserve some of my dignity and self worth.. I have no clue what to do right now. I must also state that he is the first person i have been with since my ex passed away a year ago so I opened up to him a lot about that and he was completely supportive. I feel as though i've lost a lover, a confidant and a best friend.. Any advice would be great. Not sure how to handle this. I think in my mind too I was expecting him to maybe reach out to me again after we hung out last but that of course did not happen.