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Can you me understand his behaviour?


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Old 17th August 2017, 11:26 AM   #1
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Question Can you me understand his behaviour?

Okay sooooo
Two years ago, I met this guy who we can call J. J was a really big player and I knew it, I was only 19 at the time and well I hung out with him a lot as a friend, he had a girlfriend, and I felt like I really did genuinely like him as a friend. One night we went clubbing and he made out with me, it was my first kiss and at the time as a super naive girl I just started to gain feelings for him.
He and his girlfriend broke up a month later and I confessed my feelings to him that same day (lol) yeah... he basically said he wanted to keep hanging out but was unable to return the feelings at the moment. I understood completely and was okay to just be friends. But he became really kinda.. mean, sort of lying to avoid spending time with me, I knew he was also going on dates with other girls etc. but still sometimes throwing me a bone to keep me around.
We went clubbing again and well yeah we made out and fought, it was very "dramatic" as he was like crying and yelling at me about how I shouldn't like him.. he was mad also that I was a virgin I guess he was all like "what do we even do together?? do you want me to rape you is that what you want???"
SO finally I mean that crossed the line so I did cut him out, block him, and eventually started dating someone else in a couple of weeks . However my boyfriend was friends with this guy also... and then he became mean in a whole new way, like a jealous way.
I still kept my boundaries and didn't contact him and didn't really engage with him in a friendship- by the time me and my boyfriend broke up I assumed I would never have to interact with this guy ever again.
Didn't think about him much.
OKAY so he is Korean and doing mandatory service in the korean military atm. about two months I received a 6 page apology letter from a mutual friend that he had written during his service. it had been two years and well.. I really didn't think about him much so I was fine to be friends
however as we started messaging more often, almost every day, he said his feelings for me were really strong, he said he had changed. he said back then he rejected me due to the "fear of falling in love with someone as pure and amazing as me" etc. etc.
I was actually visiting my friend in seoul coincidently the same time that he was on leave and we only had two days to see each other
I said it was okay to meet, but I was so nervous I mean, I felt really vulnerable and the J I knew before... was so mean...
he swore I wouldn't get hurt this time.
but then when we met he kept being sweet to me the entire two days... telling me how much he liked me and everything
then when it was time to go home the second day i was happy we could finally spend time together without his friends, and was like "so we can go home now ?" he was just "no you aren't coming home with me anymore."
I was super confused because he had been kissing me, holding my hand, everything until that moment....
he said he "ed up" and realised his feelings for me were not genuine
and then yeah
just like that I was alone crying on the street in an unfamiliar city by myself
Im so hurt and confused
I feel so stupid.
Sorry for this choppy post I hope it makes sense
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Old 17th August 2017, 12:43 PM   #2
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You are not stupid. You were lied to.


When you first met this guy you knew he was a player but you didn't really understand what that meant. It's been 2 years. You assumed, like I did, that his time in the military caused him to grow up & to value something other than easy sex. The long letter seemed to indicate that too.


Alas now you know this guy is a liar & a user who can't be trusted. You need to stay away from him forever.


I'll give you the happiest, most positive spin I can. He's a more self aware jerk then you think. He knows you are still a "good girl" the kind you marry / take home to mom, still that "amazing & pure person" he knew he couldn't ruin with his philandering casual ways. Because he's self aware, even though he wanted the dream of the solid long lasting relationship with somebody as true as you, after spending 2 days with you he realized he's still not good enough for you & that his bad behaviors would end up ruining you. So he did the only thing he could -- he pushed you away cruelly again.


The reality is he's probably just a jerk. But whether in the best or worst light you simply have to keep him out of your life forever.
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Old 17th August 2017, 9:13 PM   #3
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I'd stay away from him. He sounds like hard work. Plus 'do you want me to rape you?' enough said. you're not missing much. Go off and sample the fruit from the big tree of men. Find one that you like the taste of and enjoy!
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Old 18th August 2017, 4:27 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by breadbin View Post
I'd stay away from him. He sounds like hard work. Plus 'do you want me to rape you?' enough said. you're not missing much. Go off and sample the fruit from the big tree of men. Find one that you like the taste of and enjoy!
Exactly. This guy is immature and just not a great person in general.

Yes, he lied to you. He tried to sweet-talk you in order to enjoy your company, and then immediately his true colours came through again.

Forget him. He's no prize.
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Old 18th August 2017, 5:06 AM   #5
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You're not stupid. H s a scumbag. Lucky escape.
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Old 20th August 2017, 1:24 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
You are not stupid. You were lied to.


When you first met this guy you knew he was a player but you didn't really understand what that meant. It's been 2 years. You assumed, like I did, that his time in the military caused him to grow up & to value something other than easy sex. The long letter seemed to indicate that too.


Alas now you know this guy is a liar & a user who can't be trusted. You need to stay away from him forever.


I'll give you the happiest, most positive spin I can. He's a more self aware jerk then you think. He knows you are still a "good girl" the kind you marry / take home to mom, still that "amazing & pure person" he knew he couldn't ruin with his philandering casual ways. Because he's self aware, even though he wanted the dream of the solid long lasting relationship with somebody as true as you, after spending 2 days with you he realized he's still not good enough for you & that his bad behaviors would end up ruining you. So he did the only thing he could -- he pushed you away cruelly again.


The reality is he's probably just a jerk. But whether in the best or worst light you simply have to keep him out of your life forever.
Thank you for your response... do you think he ever really had feelings for me ? Also I did sleep with him this time so maybe that caused his opinion of me to lower ..?
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