He suddenly dumped me- will he come back?

[Ljhall413]

Ive been seeing a guy who'd id already known for over a year. The first 6 weeks were brilliant but then he lost his job and a load of other issues came to light. He was too scared to have sex (we hadnt slept together) because he'd been abused as a child, he had PTSD, anxiety and had tried to commit suicide in the past due to a girlfriend ending things. He sunk into an alcoholic fuelled depression but i stuck by him and after a month of shutting me out he came back and snapped out of it and we were ok again. He thanked me many times for standing by him and said i was his light through it all.

However, his Auntie was in hospital dying and his mum was this emotional wreck who wouldnt let him out of her sight so i barely saw him. But he was adamant he knew he wanted to be with me, and he also got another job and said that we could 'take off' again and that he loved me. We've both said all long that none of the issues are anything to do with our relationship.

He turned up the next day with jewellery to say thanks for not giving up on him and that it was to prove he was in it for the long haul. Unfortunatley, i was a bit hormonal ? and started to ask when i was actually going to spend time with him as he was never allowed out of the house and that his mum shouldnt be putting all this pressure on him. He was quite tearful to begin with as he said himself how much it was exhausting him and he said that maybe we should put the brakes on things before one of us snaps and that his feelings wouldnt change and that when things settle down we could pick up again.

I was not happy and made that clear as id waited so long for him and he got extremely upset, took the jewellery gift and left.

Despite me messaging him everyday, he said nothing until a week later when he was extremely cold and told me 'he made it clear that he had more important things on' and to 'leave him alone'!. This guy said he loved me the day before it all happened and insisted he wanted to be with me, not to mention turning up that day with jewellery!. Ive left it now, hoping that if i sit tight, he'll miss me.

Anyone shed any light?

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry OP, but this man is in no shape to have a relationship. He is not emotionally stable and cannot offer you the love you are probably hoping for.

 

Standing by someone who continuously shuts you out and blows hot and cold isn't the noble thing to do - it's unhealthy and codependent. People who are alcoholics or truly suffer with depression don't just snap out of it. Those issues keep rearing their ugly heads, as you're seeing. This is why he sometimes seems fine and other times wants you to stay away. That's the nature of those conditions, and unless he is being treated for them, it's unlikely to get better.

 

A better question would be why you keep hanging on to someone who doesn't treat you well or appreciate you.

[PegNosePete]

I can't shed any light I'm afraid - on either of you.

 

I don't know why he doesn't want a relationship, but he's clearly not in a good place to have one. He's got so many issues that a relationship is simply not possible for him. And he knows it, which is presumably why he's broken up with you.

 

Now as to why you are pursuing him so hard? He's made it clear he's not interested. He's clearly not in a good place to have a relationship. He's not a good partner and not a good boyfriend. Why are you continuing to chase him so hard? I think you should take this opportunity to find someone who is good boyfriend material instead of someone who is broken.

 

Dating tip: don't date fixer uppers.

[basil67]

He may well change his mind. But you'd be crazy to get back into this train wreck.

 

Echoing the sentiment: don't date fixer uppers

[d0nnivain]

Why do you want him back? He's mamma's boy with no intention or ability to cut the apron strings He will always have issues that require professional help: Abuse survivor, PTSD, depression & alcoholism. He doesn't have the skill set to fully love you back & be mature partner.

 

What is in this relationship for you?

[Goodguy05]

There's a lot of baggage to deal wth. Take it from me who's dated the same well wth different issues it's a lot of baggage to deal and put up wth.

[kfey]

This guy needs professional help due to the litany of issues from his past you've mentioned. If you really care about him and he's contacting you, make no bones about it: tell him that if he won't get help for his alcoholic tendencies and his grief that you can't be with him. If he can honestly get into a better place, then maybe it will work between you two. But he's definitely not there right now, and you should leave him be while he works it out.