Should I end it?

[SerenaAnna]

My boyfriend and I live together and have been together for almost 3 years. He has some great qualities: handsome, successful, financially secure, and just a nice guy. However, there are some issues that I don't know if I can or want to deal with in the long haul.

 

I think much of it comes down to him possibly having ADHD. He was never diagnosed, but I highly suspect that he has it. First, he can be inattentive. We rarely have a conversation without him doing something else at the same time. I feel like I rarely have his full attention. When I ask him a question, he either won't answer right away or won't answer at all! He also has difficulty sticking to a plan. I'm an organized person and make lists to help us accomplish both the things we need and want to do. Despite that, he's hardly ever interested in following the list and it feels like nothing ever gets done. It's so frustrating for me, because that way I stay on task and feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day is to have a guideline to follow.

 

Our interests are different. He's adventurous and outdoorsy and I'm not. I'll try new things, although not everything. As a result, he does his own thing and I do mine. One thing that bothers me though is that I more often go along with doing the things he likes to do than him doing the things I like to do. He'll either bail out completely or have a poor attitude going along with me. It's definitely not 50/50 and my family picked up on it and let me know that they're aware.

 

The last thing might be the most concerning for me right now. I think he might have an eating disorder, orthorexia. He constantly researches "safe" foods to eat and it changes every week depending on what he reads. It's to the point where he's noticeably lost weight and avoids eating altogether sometimes. This impacts me because I never know what to make for meals and I don't eat the same way he does. He's very restrictive and I'm concerned for his health long term.

 

I don't know what to do. All of this wears me down and I find myself more unhappy than happy lately. Do you think I should try to work it out? Maybe go to counseling with him? Set a deadline for things to get better and then bail if not? Any advice would be appreciated.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like a lot to cope with, to be honest. He has some problems which don't seem to bother him as much as they bother you.

 

The eating thing sounds a bit obsessive. I can understand why you are concerned. Have you mentioned a possible eating disorder to him? Some people on the autistic spectrum have similar issues with food and can be extremely rigid about it to the point of harming their health.

 

He does not seem to be meeting your needs. Does he care about you? Do you feel cared for?

 

An organise person living with one not so organised is bound to find it difficult. The question is, do the positive qualities he has outweigh the negative ones? Otherwise, I fear you are always going to have to be the one that gets things done. This will get very stressful in the long term.

 

Maybe you two should try relationship counselling. If you haven't already, it would be an idea to let him know you are finding his behaviour difficult and that it is putting pressure on your relationship with him.

[SerenaAnna]

Thanks for your response. I did mention to him that I was concerned about him losing weight, but he insisted that he's eating enough and feels fine. He invites me to try his diet and give it a chance, but I told him that I have my concerns and would fear developing an eating disorder as a result. I was hoping he'd consider that a possibility for himself, but it didn't seem to phase him.

 

I believe that he cares about me, but I think he's too self absorbed to put me first. I feel like he doesn't know me well or the things I like. For example, my birthday is coming up and he said that he didn't know what to get me and he'd like to take me shopping to pick something out. I told him that I don't want anything, but he insisted so we went shopping together. He was nowhere to be found on our shopping trip. I ended up standing in line paying for my stuff and he didn't offer to reimburse me! Later he said, we'll have to have a shopping trip where we spend time together. The thing is I know the same thing will happen all over again.

 

I think that I'll talk to him about counseling as a last step to try to make things work. If not, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to end it. He's a very nice guy and likable and secure in his career and finances, but having someone I'm compatable with who understands me and enjoys communicating is more important to me than the qualities he possesses.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you have already thought this through and maybe that was why you were asking the question? If he has lots of good qualities, it would be worth trying relationship counselling to make him aware of ways in which he could be more caring and understanding towards you. It might not change anything ultimately, but worth a go?

[preraph]

I wouldn't be able to stay with someone that obsessive. I have a friend who has taken this stupid newsletter she gets through snail mail for the last 40 years and they just want advertisers to make money like any other publication and they will literally print any nonsense to do with health or herbal remedies or gluten and often one article will contradict the next and she just takes it all very seriously. I find it just stupid and I have trouble respecting anyone like that. They have some type of problem where they're willing to just follow any trend hoping for a miracle and usually don't trust real medicine or doctors.

 

She will believe whatever that little newsletter says over anything in a medical journal or scientific publication.

 

You two don't really have much in common anyway. Don't see how this is going to be a fun life together and think of the kids. They will be turned neurotic in no time by this guy and his food issues.

[TopsyLove]

I think you should think about if these are really annoying things to you that he does, or if they're deal breakers. Maybe there's some of each. No person is going to be perfect, and it's up to you to decide how much you can take and what you're willing to live with. Everyone is different and it sounds like you have a high tolerance, but maybe your patience is getting thin. There's no wrong answer.

 

First, if you'd like him to look at you when you're talking you'll have to ask him. He'll forget a few times but even ADHD people can get into this new habit. Now that you have his attention, tell him what you need him to do and give him a deadline. He might have his own way of doing things so let him decide how he gets it done - as long as it gets done at all, right? For a while you'll have to remind him, you can do it either the day before it's due or the day after you give him the task.

 

Unfortunately, part of a relationship is doing some of the crap your partner likes. You should do something the other person wants to do at least once a month. For everything else you want to do, find a friend that likes the same thing. Tell him it's important to you, and it hurts your feelings that he doesn't show up. Ask what you two can do to make it better for him, maybe negotiate him only being there for a couple of hours...even though that's a little childhish maybe you're willing to take less. It's up to your happiness and what's a deal breaker.

 

For the eating, make whatever dinner you'd like. Make dinner and he can eat it, amend it himself, or make his own dinner. It's not your job to completely cater to him.

 

Try a few things and see if you can make it better for yourself. Good luck

[breadbin]

I'm sorry I didn't even read your post but the fact alone that you are even asking the question 'should I end it?' says to me that 'yes, you should' is the only answer.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or anything but it's probably already over when you're asking this.

[Goodguy05]

Thanks for your thread it made me reflect on my own break up. Opened my eyes actually.

Are you telling him the issues and have you tried to discuss This?

If he's anything like me he's probably thinks nothing's wrong and is not seeing the problems. The counselling sounds good.

[Captivating]

 

I believe that he cares about me, but I think he's too self absorbed to put me first. I feel like he doesn't know me well or the things I like. For example, my birthday is coming up and he said that he didn't know what to get me and he'd like to take me shopping to pick something out. I told him that I don't want anything, but he insisted so we went shopping together. He was nowhere to be found on our shopping trip. I ended up standing in line paying for my stuff and he didn't offer to reimburse me! Later he said, we'll have to have a shopping trip where we spend time together. The thing is I know the same thing will happen all over again.

 

Hi,

It is great that you see things so clearly. "Actions" speak louder than words. The thing is that there are no actions worthy of mentioning. This above quote of inviting you out shopping for your birthday, you ending up paying for your own gift, is awful !

 

Do you think that he is a covert narcissist? Using you, manipulating you, zero consideration etc.

I would not do counseling, you cannot change major flaws of personality. An inconsiderate, selfish person will never become a selfless, self-sacrificing, considerate person. How can you depend on him when life throws challenges at you ? Will he take care of you if you are bedridden ? Will he wake up, helping you out with a baby in the middle of the night?

 

Please look up narcissistic personality disorder to see whether it fits him.

It is very wise of you questioning things now.

[Spartakooty]

Just remember...people don't change...much. It sounds like his issues are more than you should be expected to handle. The shopping?? Just plain odd. It's interesting how people can be really good in some aspects in life (career, friends and family) but crash the plane in a relationship. No balance.

[breadbin]

Just remember...people don't change...much. It sounds like his issues are more than you should be expected to handle. The shopping?? Just plain odd. It's interesting how people can be really good in some aspects in life (career, friends and family) but crash the plane in a relationship. No balance.

 

But people shouldn't change to be in a relationship. I'm a firm believer in that. He has his idiosyncracies but someone will love him for it. If you get into a relationship expecting to change this fella into Mr. perfect then prepare to be disappointed. Only he can change himself if he wants to so you have 2 choices. Stay or go.

[shellybing]

My boyfriend and I live together and have been together for almost 3 years. He has some great qualities: handsome, successful, financially secure, and just a nice guy. However, there are some issues that I don't know if I can or want to deal with in the long haul.

 

I think much of it comes down to him possibly having ADHD. He was never diagnosed, but I highly suspect that he has it. First, he can be inattentive. We rarely have a conversation without him doing something else at the same time. I feel like I rarely have his full attention. When I ask him a question, he either won't answer right away or won't answer at all! He also has difficulty sticking to a plan. I'm an organized person and make lists to help us accomplish both the things we need and want to do. Despite that, he's hardly ever interested in following the list and it feels like nothing ever gets done. It's so frustrating for me, because that way I stay on task and feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day is to have a guideline to follow.

 

Our interests are different. He's adventurous and outdoorsy and I'm not. I'll try new things, although not everything. As a result, he does his own thing and I do mine. One thing that bothers me though is that I more often go along with doing the things he likes to do than him doing the things I like to do. He'll either bail out completely or have a poor attitude going along with me. It's definitely not 50/50 and my family picked up on it and let me know that they're aware.

 

The last thing might be the most concerning for me right now. I think he might have an eating disorder, orthorexia. He constantly researches "safe" foods to eat and it changes every week depending on what he reads. It's to the point where he's noticeably lost weight and avoids eating altogether sometimes. This impacts me because I never know what to make for meals and I don't eat the same way he does. He's very restrictive and I'm concerned for his health long term.

 

I don't know what to do. All of this wears me down and I find myself more unhappy than happy lately. Do you think I should try to work it out? Maybe go to counseling with him? Set a deadline for things to get better and then bail if not? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I have found, that whatever that sticky feeling is that makes us ask all of these questions, is usually right.

If you are unhappy, you should leave.

 

I am the kind of person who would rather just be happy and leave than to stay and make my own life, and someone elses miserable.

It's like ripping of the bandaid quickly, all the pain is upfront and it stings, but in the end, it's just easier and faster, and wastes less time than trying to peel it back slowly without hurting anyone.

[SilentiousBird]

You didn't say what your hobbies are and your boyfriend's reasoning for bailing, but overall it sounds like he's got some **** to figure out and maybe you're investing more into this relationship than he is.

 

I'd say 3 years is definitely a point when you need to figure out if you can seriously see yourself with someone. If you can see a healthy, happy future with him and you really care about him, suggest counseling. Not just for him but for both of you. Then, if you decide you can't be in this relationship, you'll at least know you gave it your best shot.

[SerenaAnna]

Thanks to all for your input and advice. We had a very good conversation over the weekend about our relationship. I brought to his attention my concerns and asked him to share his. We decided to work on things, so I'm going to give it a few more months to see if things improve. If not, I'm prepared to leave.

Last night we had a disagreement though. He made an inaccurate statement about never giving away my belongings without checking with me first. I corrected him because he once gave away a Christmas present (handbag) he had bought me because I never used it. Well bringing that up didn't sit well with him and he blew it out of proportion and I got slammed for "chastising" him, which I did not do. Then he went off on how his job takes up all of his time and he never got a chance to return it. He ordered it online and wasn't happy with it from the get go because he knew it wasn't my style. I never pushed him to return it, but would have let him if he was proactive about it. I kept it because it was special to me, being a gift from our first Christmas together. This is just an example of his issue with not making time for things and blaming everyone and everything else instead of holding himself accountable.

Anyway like I said, I'm going to give it some time and if there's no improvement, then I have no choice but to leave. We shall see...