Broken heart has left me lost

[Alana_loveless]

I was with my man for 9 years. We have been engaged for 6 months. Two months ago I found out he was having an emotional affair with a married women he met online. After begging to fix it, getting us into counseling and countless other attempts it boiled down to him needing to choose. He chose her, he abandoned me and has moved out of state to be with her. We were really happy. We were supportive and loving and physical and only fought about small things here and there like taking out the trash. We were the couple everyone admired. We were best friends. I am so betrayed. He walked away from a lifetime we built without looking back. He completely pulled the rug or from under me. It's been two months and I'm in therapy and exercising and it's still not feeling like it's getting better. I feel lost, and worthless. I feel like everyone and everything is pointless and hollow. Any advice? Will he miss me one day and regret what he did? It doesn't seem fair someone can cause this much pain and sadness in my life and not suffer any reprochssions. It feels like I'll never be able to not miss him like I do now. Please help.

[AT15]

Hi Alanna,

 

I know my words won't take away your pain. But, writing on the LS messageboards will help you cope. 9 years is a very long time. My brother was suicidal after his gf of 16 years left him a month ago. You have a battle ahead of you, I'm not going to sugarcoat that fact.

 

With that said there is life after loses. You will stabilize after a few months or years. Stabilized is better than full on depression. I was a co dependent mess for a long time. Break up happened in 2015, I'm just now seeing the relationship for what it really was--a farce. And that relationship was not even two years. Nevertheless it hurt me, because I was invested in the fantasy and the feeling the fantasy gave me.

 

You will heal. You will come out the other end stronger, much stronger. I have. And you will fall in love again. I met someone who was more handsome, sexier, better in bed, and more financially stable than my ex could dream of becoming.

So, chin up. ❤️

[Goodguy05]

I'm beginning to believe there's such a thing as a dumpers gene.

 

Honestly I seriously am. Some people men and woman just seem really cruel. I can understand if you were having issues but yes him leaving you like this makes not much sense.

 

It's been a yr since my ex l3ft it gets better for me though its delayed because I have to work wth her and endured mths of torture when she hooked up with a work colleague who thankfully left and went and moved overseas to live and work suck **** is all I can say.

The last few nights I've seen her walking on her own and I can't believe I still care or worry about her considering she put me thru hell. The red flags for me wth her that I didn't see or failed to acknowledge as Monday no friends said anything about it was that she left her 1st child because she couldn't cope wth him giving her a hard time. She told me how bad she felt doing this yarda yarda and tues what she did it again wth another two kids big red flags that I failed to see.

 

At a guess maybe there were some red flags wth him like me you missed? Just a guess. The good thing for u at least you don't have to see him like I had to whilst it's not easy at least your not having ur wounds reopened every couple of days. It's just takes time the more time pass the more u will heal on average for me it takes a good two to three yrs. If there's one piece of advice I can impart wth my own heartache and break up is try and get therapy for the damage that he's done it's one thing to heal but another to untangle that baggage and damage these situations cause

[elaine567]

Will he miss me one day and regret what he did? It doesn't seem fair someone can cause this much pain and sadness in my life and not suffer any repercussions.

 

This is very common thinking but it is not helpful to you.

Being dumped is not fair, but if truth were told, dumpers tend not to regret their actions. They did what they had to do, what felt right at the time for them and who can really blame them? We all want what is best for ourselves in life

They move on and basically sink or swim with their new relationship just like everyone else does.

I know your ego is hurt and you want karma, but that doesn't really help you and it keeps you stuck in thinking about them instead of thinking about yourself and how you can start living a new life.

[kortz]

This is very common thinking but it is not helpful to you.

 

This is very true. We'd all like to think our dumpers are in as much pain as us and going through the emotional turmoil that they put us through and heck, we even hope one day they wake up and realize they made a big mistake. But at the end of the day it doesn't matter and it doesn't make a difference to you what they're feeling, who they're with and whether they regret it or not because they are no longer in our lives. It's hard to accept this fact but once you do (and really believe it) then you start to care less and less about about them and their emotions until you become indifferent about them.

 

You've obviously heard this before but just focus on yourself and start telling yourself that where ever they are, whatever they're doing and however they're feeling...it doesn't make a difference to your life. Whenever I found my thoughts drifting to that way of thinking I'd remind myself of this and say 'it doesn't change anything' and move my thinking onto something else away from my ex.

 

A 9 year relationship is a very long one so what you're going through is normal and a few months isn't going to make things better. It'll take time so help yourself by learning to focus your thoughts on other things. Hang in there.

[d0nnivain]

You may be lost but you are not worthless. You had a 9 year relationship with this man & were engaged. You had expectations & when he pulled the rug out from under you of course you are upset.

 

Part of it is you just have to go through the pain . . .the crying the unhappiness etc. It SUCKS but it's part of healing & it takes time. You are doing the right things to get your head around what happened but it will take time. I know that is small comfort but for now, let yourself feel whatever you feel Don't try to rush the healing. Surround yourself with positive people & keep busy.

 

Post here. Talk to your therapist but most of all hang in there.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry, I can well imagine how you are feeling. Unfortunately, people can do this and this forum is a testament to that. Many people find themselves dumped or betrayed and have to go through the pain. It is no reflection on you that this guy got involved with someone else. You had both been together for quite a long time really. I know that might sound ridiculous when people still marry for life, but with the changes that life throws at us, it is not surprising that people grow apart or meet someone else they feel is right for them at that point in time.

 

I know the above is no comfort because you are feeling betrayed and lied to. Your ex boyfriend is responsible for his own behaviour. You have behaved decently and he let you down. It is always a terrible shock to realise that you don't fully know someone and what they are capable of doing. Give yourself time to adjust and understand that relationships do not always last. I know it is hurtful and scary to be shaken to the core like this. It will take time to get a sense of yourself and who you can be without this guy. You are not worthless at all, you are going through an upsetting situation. You will recover from this painful experience by taking it one day at a time. Cry, grieve, let your feelings run their course because that is the way you will get it out of your system. Talk to friends and family, see a counsellor if possible. Now is the time to support yourself, not blame yourself for something totally out of your control.

Edited August 14, 2017 by spiderowl

[Micheley07]

I know this is so difficult as I have been there before. My ex husband was having an affair with a women he worked with for two or three years before I found out or before I could prove it because there were signs. The first day after I found out I could not even get up and get dressed. It was that painful.

One thing that really helped me was a divorce recovery class. It was nine weeks long and helped me so much with the grieving process.

I remember one thing they said so clearly in the class. "You have to walk through the pain. Your have to eat, breath, sleep, walk, talk right through the pain to recover."

You have to feel it and don't try to cover it up. I remember one night pleading on the phone to my mom that it was two years from now so that I would feel better because I could not live with the pain right now. My mom was so loving and said,"You have to go through this and you will feel better.

My ex husband is still with the women he left me for 5 years later. I knew two years after we divorced that I had recovered when I felt sorry for the other women.

And the other thing l, which may he hard to hear now is that eventually you won't care anymore. I wanted to punch my ex husband in the face to make him feel the pain I felt but after a while I didn't care anymore.

Hang in there is does get better. Try to go out with friends or get a new haircut and some new clothes. Even the little things help so much. Time really does heal even though we fight the time.

[Greenhawk84]

I see you saying "We were so happy." Maybe he was happy but at some point became unhappy, or became interested in something else than what he had. I cannot pretend to know the details of your relationship or what personalities you have. If he is gone, he is not with you, he is not loving you. It hurts like hell. It will continue to hurt like hell, especially after 9 years. You have to keep taking steps. Talk to friends, family, and vent here online. Do it as much as you have to in order to heal. Nobody should expect you to "get over it" until you feel like you can. Therapy is another outlet and will also help to expose some of your quirks so you can identify with yourself. You are taking the right steps as we speak.