Flew Half Way Around The World and Failed Bit Lengthy,

[mrpushover4]

Bear with me, this is a little lengthy....

 

This all started about the last week of June.

 

I was just dumped by my ex about a month ago. We have had on and off fights/breakups over the past 3 months that did not last more then 30 minutes and then we got back together, mainly because of changes going in our lives. We're both 22 and both recently just finished college here on the west coast and she is going to graduate school on the east coast. The plan was I was to remain on the west coast for a year and then join her on the east coast and start a new life together over there, I was going to even propose to her next year. We have been together for 3.5 years and lived together for 3 years as well, basically our entire college careers.

 

She had an opportunity to go and do research in London this summer before going to grad school on the universities dime and so I was happy for her. As soon as she got out to London, communication was comfortable to a certain degree. The first three days she was there we got into a fight because I wanted more communication. She tried to explain that she didn't want to have to go around town looking for wifi just to be in touch with me because she did not have a sim card yet. She also was upset that I asked for her address where she was staying in London, I had originally asked for the address by asking her for her "Current Location" because I understood she was currently in her apartment where should would be living for two months. We got into a spat because I could sense some attitude and again I initiated a breakup saying that it looks like its what she wanted, but instantly retracted that statement. However, she decided to run with it.

 

I decided to fly out to London after a week and half from the west coast in the USA to surprise her and apologize in person in hopes that we could work things out. Upon seeing me, she became angered and extremely upset muttering things like, "I knew you couldn't be without me for more then a day.", "I already told everyone our problems and now if I get back together with you I will look like a flipflopper." She said, "Ground rules for while you are here in London is to stay away from my friends (that also got to enjoy the research trip), stay away from her apartment and stay away from her." Her reasons for breaking up were, 1) Too comfortable in relationship, need to see if its out of habit, 2) Too codependent, she doesn't have any hobbies or friends and needs to discover herself, 3) be more independent, 4) I am too mean and then sorry 5) Doesn't know what she wants out of life 6) Past sexual history shouldn't be coming up in our relationship 3.5 years (it recently did because she was communicating and added back one of her past flings onto her phone). She also said she has been feeling uneasy about the relationship for months.

 

So upon hearing all this, while I was in London I went no contact. She continued messaging me, "Am I Ok?" and then eventually it turned into, "I want to talk about our relationship, can we meet up?." Upon hearing that last message I responded and it turned into a phone call where she vented all her emotions 1) She thinks she may be gay now, she's been flirting with a lot of women 2) She has been getting super drunk every night in London 3) She lost her bag( brand new laptop and phone inside) in Europe because she got super drunk and was abandoned by her friends in a park, 4) We don't have the same values, a) she never wants to get married b) doesn't want kids c) doesn't want to live in one place more then two years d)why couldn't she ever get pregnant (lots of unprotected sex) and then she ended with, "Sorry, I don't actually want to get back together I just wanted to talk to you." I ended with you're right we don't have the same values, please never contact me again.

 

I flew out to Italy two days later to salvage what I could of this trip and enjoy myself and upon landing in Italy, I get a few missed calls and two messages saying, "I messed up really bad and I still love you. I miss you. I want to be with you and I don't know who I am or what I want in life but you've always been there to support me. Can we meet up in London? " So another conversation takes place and again her problem with getting back together is that she wants to see whether or not if it would even work before she would try. She says, 1) She's indecisive about the relationship 2) Past Sexual History is a problem (It only came up recently because of her adding her past fling on social media, it had been a problem in the beginning 3) She thinks were too codependent. I offered to fly her out to Italy to fix the relationship in an amazing country but she coincidentally had already boughten a plane ticket for the week I was there. At the end of the convo, she gave up and didn't want to try and fix anything and then asked me how to move on from me. I told her to think about it and call me during the week. She never called while I was in Italy although she continued to watch all my social media posts. I ended up removing her from my social media accounts because I became so obsessed with making content for her to show her how well I was doing without her. I came back to the USA and kept wondering why she never called me in Italy. While in Italy, I saw her in a photo with two other gentleman (male friends) in London on social media but then that post was quickly removed from that gentleman's account. I don't know why.

 

I ended up calling her asking for closure and to stop playing with my feelings, she replied, " I have more time to talk on Monday. Wow you must have had a lot of fun in Italy now that you want closure. Hope you have a great life. We will never ever get back together. I've already made it very clear why we broke up. I'm in another country right now. And last week I wanted to get back together but not anymore, you missed your chance." It didn't make sense because she was supposed to call me in Italy if she wanted it. This time I begged, it didn't work. So it was clear to me the relationship was over? I packed up her remaining belongings at the house and dropped it off at her sisters. I also informed her sister to remind her that I had shipped out my exs old laptop, our photo album she requested, and some clothing to London weeks ago, and it has been sitting waiting for my ex to pick up the package for about 2 weeks.

 

Then I get a call from my ex which I answer basically immediately. She says she just wanted to thank me for dropping off all the stuff, and she's pissed that I told her sister that I shipped out her old laptop, because now they know that her new laptop is missing, because they're not stupid and would question why she needs her old laptop. I want to see if theres anyway to fix the relationship and I tell her that I know I messed up with instigating the breakups so often and its been my punishment. I try to play things casually and talk about recent events and some TV shows we watch together. She calls me a push over and tells me that she hopes I suffer for many more months and that she is so tired of telling me we will never ever get back together. But then she says she hopes we can be friends one day. She also says she expected me to pay for the fees for customs for the package; I already paid for shipping and was never reimbursed by her. Still today the package is sitting in a London post office. She hasn't picked it up.

 

I want to move on I guess? I would love to have her back. I am drowning in emotions of anger, depression, and guilt. Nothing makes sense because it seems like she just wants independence and that its her time to discover herself, but then she keeps telling me everything is my fault as well. She tells me she loves me and wants to make things up, and then she tells me we will never get back together. I guess no contact is my best option? It just seems like she doesn't give a crap about me anymore even though she really wanted to be friends; I never accepted this offer. All the relationship videos online say "No Contact" and don't reach out to her. Most of the interactions over this drama fest had been her reaching out to me upon which I get on my knees and plead.

 

All my friends and family say "Just move on", "She wasn't good for me", "She used me for money and took advantage of our hospitality", "she's seeing other guys in London". I want her back, but I hurt so much and nothing seems to make it better. It's been about a week again of "No contact". What do I do to win her back/move on? Keep in mind all of our previous interactions typically have a week - 2 weeks gap before we talked again.

[springy]

The relationship was dysfunctional, as evidenced by the multitude of breakups over your last few months together. No way was it in the condition to survive a year of long distance on two separate continents. That is difficult for even the healthiest of relationships. It certainly sounds like you each need to sort yourselves out, so use this time to do that.

 

Instigating breakups in order to get a reaction out of your s/o is a very unhealthy and immature way to conduct a relationship, and as you can see it backfired on you this time around. I hope you will work on better, more productive ways to resolve conflict and better communication skills so that you do not continue these patterns in future relationships.

 

You are both very young and have a lot to learn so please don't take any of this an insult. I don't know if there is any future for the two of you together, but for now this is truly broken and needs to stay that way IMO.

 

Sorry for your pain. Many of us have been there. It does pass with time...should you choose to "move on" complete no contact is pretty much a necessity.

Edited August 13, 2017 by springy

[ExpatInItaly]

Wow, this was exhausting just to read - I can't imagine actually living it.

 

There is a lot dysfunction and immaturity on both sides here. Constant break-ups and passive aggressive behaviour, poor communication and conflict-resolution skills. This isn't the the stuff long-lasting and happy relationships is made of.

 

I am sure she hooked up with this friend she lives with, hence her suddenly questioning her sexuality and insistence you stay away from her. She didn't want her two worlds colliding. Seems pretty obvious to me that she was hiding something there, from both you and her new crush. Had you had any inkling before that she liked women too?

 

That aside, this relationship was clearly not working and not going to survive the distance. You're both very young and she evidently is really not ready to commit. She wants the freedom to explore and be single, and yes, is blaming this all on you so she doesn't feel like the bad guy breaking it off. She's too inconsistent about what she wants, and my guess is that she comes looking for you when her London-based crush isn't giving her attention. Not good.

 

You need a lot of time and space away from her. Now isn't the time to be thinking of reconciliation. There is too much resentment on both sides and too much maturing to be done, for each of you. I know it hurts, but you were really only hurting each other further by staying together.

[mrpushover4]

I hear all your worlds loud and clear. And thanks for taking the time to read that lengthy post. At this point in time I really just want to be happy, I don't know if her coming back would even bring that.

 

I feel like I invested a lot financially as well as my family; I invested a lot emotionally and time wise as well. The first two years we lived at her apartment; I covered all food expenses and it involved a lot of eating out. The last year she lived at my family's home and experienced free rent, free food, and free travel for all family events. My mother gave her gifts such as an Apple Watch, designer handbags, and even a nice graduation gift. I would even drive her to class in the morning, even if I did not have class that day or that time, and pick her up at the doorstep in the evening. I sacrificed relationships with my friends and family because she would get jealous when I spent time with them. I always would encourage her to hang out with her friends and family, and she wouldn't want to. On top of that most holidays, I would spend a majority of time with her and her family, neglecting my own, to make things more comfortable for her. Her relationship with her father is truly broken and he was never around.

 

Wow, this was exhausting just to read - I can't imagine actually living it.

 

I am sure she hooked up with this friend she lives with, hence her suddenly questioning her sexuality and insistence you stay away from her. She didn't want her two worlds colliding. Seems pretty obvious to me that she was hiding something there, from both you and her new crush. Had you had any inkling before that she liked women too?

 

You need a lot of time and space away from her. Now isn't the time to be thinking of reconciliation. There is too much resentment on both sides and too much maturing to be done, for each of you. I know it hurts, but you were really only hurting each other further by staying together.

 

No she never gave any indication of being attracted to the same sex before. And she told me to keep the apple watch my family gave to her as a gift. I found the gentleman's contact in the apple watch, which I don't understand why she would need at all. He is an associate from the program she was in which provided her the ability to go on this trip, she would never had to have interacted with this person, any interaction would have been voluntary. So most likely she is hooking up with this gentleman. 90% of the people she went on the trip with were male. That makes me very jealous and hurt at the same time that most likely she had already begun to develop feelings for him during our relationship. I asked her twice if she was seeing anyone else, she denied it. But I guess I have no right to ask/know because we are not in a relationship anymore. If she decided to come back, the fact that this may have happened would always be on my mind.

 

 

You are both very young and have a lot to learn so please don't take any of this an insult. I don't know if there is any future for the two of you together, but for now this is truly broken and needs to stay that way IMO.

 

Sorry for your pain. Many of us have been there. It does pass with time...should you choose to "move on" complete no contact is pretty much a necessity.

 

No, you're right we are young, as much as it hurts to say it. But I feels like that undermines the severity of our relationship. When you say should I choose to move on, you say it as if I had a choice. I don't think I do? I think I have to move on. In the early days of the breakup she would always say, "It makes me really sad to know that I would never talk to you again, and I wish we could be friends." It makes me really sad to see that she doesn't message me at all anymore and it seems she has moved on already 100%. I'm left to clean up the whole mess of the relationship, cleaning out her remaining stuff, deleting photos, and still receiving packages she sends to the house. She doesn't have to bear any of this responsibility at all, she's in Europe having a great time and then starts her new life on the East Coast. I have to live in and clean up all the past...

 

Moving on is the only path to happiness right? I am so hurt that she is most likely seeing and sleeping with new people already. I am hurt that she wishes ill on me and considers me a pushover. Everything I have done I have done out of love. And yes, the instigating breakups was toxic, they mostly happened because of doubts of whether or not long distance would work. But to consider us codependent? I am not sure. I feel like she has attained happiness and gotten everything she wanted, and I am the opposite.

 

What are your thoughts ExpatInItaly and Springy?

Edited August 13, 2017 by mrpushover4

[doyathinkso]

She sounds like a spoiled brat. Maybe she has book smarts but she has no real smarts.

 

You are well rid of her.

 

There are many many many much better women out there for you. Go find one.

[springy]

Why on earth were you paying for everything? Giving up friends and family and deferring to her all the time? I have to say that it does seem there is a significant amount of pushover in all of that. There's something to get to the bottom of right there. Don't let someone else's jealousy and insecurity control your life like that!

 

Regarding moving on, it really is a choice you get to make. Choosing NOT to move on does not mean your ex will return, or that you have a chance. It simply means you put yourself in a miserable holding pattern in hopes that somehow that will bring your ex back. People who refuse to move on continue to accept phone calls, texts, emails, follow each other on social media, try to stay 'friends', put up fronts to make their exes think they are happy, confident, etc. The list goes on. Some endure cruel treatment, watch their exes move on with new lovers, etc., and still stay in contact! So no, I would not recommend that.

 

Moving on doesn't keep you from reconnecting down the road should your ex choose to do so (although from the sounds of it, that should be the last thing you want is for this girl to return!) but it helps you collect yourself, refocus and get your emotions removed enough that you can see the relationship for what it was. You may find that once the fog lifts you will wonder what the heck you were doing with that person. Granted, it takes time to get there; it could be months. Some get there faster than others. You should not expect a quick fix. Take advantage of the distance - think of it as a gift. You don't have to see her, talk to her, follow her, bump into her at the store or out on the town, etc. I wish I had been so lucky when my last break up happened!