Craig87 Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 So to recap the story, my ex broke up with me after about a year of dating. She was being pretty condescending and uptight toward the end, likely because she wanted out of the relationship but had a hard time saying that. I felt like I was on the receiving end of a lot of projection. Anyways, to cut it down I was pretty devastated after we broke up, we were stuck living together for a short period so I scrambled to save the relationship for a couple weeks but I was not that bad about it. I even wound up declaring my acceptance even though inside I had not accepted the situation. Once we parted ways, I said some nice things to her, wished her well, then a few days later picked up the last of my belongings and iced her out. I told her that I did not want us to communicate, and that it needed to happen. I also mentioned that I was not sure about a friendship, but at that moment I did not feel like we were not friends. I explained that this was because of the behavior and projection. Both of those things pissed her off, she accused me of being selfish...etc...etc...blah blah blah because I was now making the break up about me and it was really about her lol. Anyways, it has now been 2.5 months and while I am not completely over it, I have definitely started to move on. I have met some cool people, been working out, made new friends, and started dating again which put everything in perspective. I have not contacted her once. To be honest, this is a little pre-emptive but I like to make these decisions before they happen, or at least think about it so I can be prepared. Like I said, I didn't say anything mean or hurtful, and if anything I ended on a strong note. While she dumped me, I was the one who initiated no contact, and she has not disrespected my wishes. I think she saw it as an insult or something that I wanted my space, yet she broke up with me because I was "needy". Bottom line, I really cared for this girl but she sounds like a bad egg. I have been able to remain friendships with my past exes, even after the anger issue subsided but this one really dug at me. I think it was the projection part, and the lack of accountability that pissed me off the most. The dilemma here is that, maybe once this feeling subsides I should reach out so that I have peace? However, I don't want to undo any of the things that I said. I feel like it is important to stick to your word, and maybe she will change and mature, but my attempts to reach out will not help that. The second point is if she reaches out to me, should I just be up front and tell her that the conditions for us talking again are that I need some indication that she has grown and can take responsibility for her actions or is the answer to ignore her until she figures it out on her own. I don't really intend to be friends again, I may be ok with being friendly but at the end of the day I only see it as a hinderance on my ability to meet new people who are better and on the same level of emotional development. The Caveat is if she were to develop some sense of self-awareness then I would with a slim SLIM chance consider going back to square one in the relationship. In order for that to happen we would have to be on some sort of speaking terms in general and we aren't even there yet so I have really been focusing on not communicating and self-development. I am a fan of the direct approach since I think being passive aggressive is silly, but some people feel otherwise. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 You're hoping for more contact, and really, it's better you don't. In my experience, there is no closure except the closure you get when you finally accept it's over. Hoping to have a talk won't lead anywhere good or give you peace. It usually leads to her having to be more blunt about why she had to break up with you. Let me share with you some very edited excerpts that followed one such lunch I had with an ex I broke up with over whether we should try to be friends, which is how we started out. Imagine you are the man she's thinking this about and is it really worth it? "...restrain myself from hissing and spitting......dismembered a Hawaiian Chicken that had never done anything to me....I guess it was supposed to have some great anesthetic effect on me......slither under whichever boot heel he has on the ground at the moment....a bout with nausea and diarrhea (Diarrhea won).....any question as to whether there would be any socializing at the Housewives from Hell sorority house was immediately put to rest." It just doesn't go like you hope it will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig87 Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 Let's be clear, this example is definitely more on the extreme end of things. Our relationship was definitely not that dramatic, I also have been finding closure on my own and I pointed that out. I'm not asking her for anything, and frankly I wouldn't reach out if I was. I'm not ready to reach out now anyway, the question is more along the lines of what if she does. Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 This is a bad time to make any decisions since you're still not over her. If she contacts now, you can't be friends. Once you've moved on, make the decision at that point since you'll be apathetic to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Let's be clear, this example is definitely more on the extreme end of things. Our relationship was definitely not that dramatic, I also have been finding closure on my own and I pointed that out. I'm not asking her for anything, and frankly I wouldn't reach out if I was. I'm not ready to reach out now anyway, the question is more along the lines of what if she does. No, he and I had a calm friendship before we tried to be something more and it went south. When I broke it off, it was all very civilized. My point is when it got less civilized is when we talked about trying to be friends again. the same problems were there, problems we never had when we were just friends before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig87 Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 Ah ok, Her and I were never friends to begin with. Our history is exclusively dating based, and I'm not trying to be friends. Just friendly. I'm not looking to be a shoulder to cry on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HarmonyDriven Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Let's be clear, this example is definitely more on the extreme end of things. Our relationship was definitely not that dramatic, I also have been finding closure on my own and I pointed that out. I'm not asking her for anything, and frankly I wouldn't reach out if I was. I'm not ready to reach out now anyway, the question is more along the lines of what if she does. IMO, if she contacts you, keep it friendly. Nothing more, nothing less. If she wants to be friends, take the direct approach and let her know you have no intentions of being friends, just cordial/friendly. I think it's great you have started to move on! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig87 Posted August 11, 2017 Author Share Posted August 11, 2017 Seems to be the only way, my mind wanted to bit my heart didnt. The emotions are fading out which is a good sign. I am caring less about everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts