lovetorun27 Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 9 months. This is not my first go-around with relationships. I was married for 11 years and in another relationship for 3 years. I am seriously considering breaking up with my current boyfriend. We have had a few disagreements/arguments, but that is normal. Yesterday, we went to an amusement park with my BF's childhood friend and this friend's 13 year old cousin. I guess he takes her every year when she visits from out of town. My BF's friend has a very immature sense of humor (bodily function jokes are his favorite with a few sexual jokes thrown in). It was a great day. The guys did tease the 13 year old cousin a bit, but she did tease back. No one seemed uncomfortable. We were drying ourselves off after the water rides when my BF started to use his towel to overly dramatically dry off his manhood (yes he had his swim trunks still on) as a way to tease the 13 year old girl. I found this extremely out of line and politely asked him to stop. He continued for a bit longer and I had to ask several times for him to stop. His friend saw none of it. Later as we were leaving the park, he started to go after me saying it was all harmless joking, he's known the girl her whole life, stop over reacting, etc. I said I was extremely upset about the situation as sexual body parts should never enter the equation when you are with a child! He kept going after me and I did say I would probably beat the s**t out of someone if they did that to my daughter and would he ever think of doing that to my 9 yo or his 13 yo niece? He said it was different since it was his friend's cousin. Needless to say we continued to argue later that evening. He felt like I was threatening him with the comment that I would beat someone up for doing that to my daughter. I did apologize and say I should have used a better phrase for describing my feelings. BUT I felt like he was missing the point that sexuality should never be part of teasing a child. I feel like this is a huge red flag and I should break up with him, especially since I have a 9 and 11 year old. Thoughts? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frostedflake Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Your concerns and anger are valid. That is completely out of line and honestly, doesn't sound like much of a joke. I would be wary of this guy and perhaps masked pedophilia. No one would sexually joke with a kid or touch themselves like that unless there was something else going on in their head. I can definitely agree with you that it is a huge red flag. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovetorun27 Posted August 9, 2017 Author Share Posted August 9, 2017 Thanks! I really like thinking through situations and trying to make sure I have looked at all possibilities/other's feelings/etc. Your insight helps and so does any other insight people have! Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Major creep factor. I would have a huge problem with that as well. Ask him what the young girls father would think of that "joke". I am pretty sure my dad would beat the daylights out of a man who "joked" like that with me when I was 13. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 I won't go as far as to suggest that he is a pedophile, but he was incredibly crass, immature and insensitive. He may be careful about his actions around your children OP, but you know what he is capable of and how he truly feels about boundaries as they pertain to the exhibition of sexually suggestive acts. He must not have children of his own? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 You're right he has no boundaries. And him saying he's known her her whole life only worries me more, like he's teasing her about something that, who knows, might have happened. My dad always had sex on the brain and liked to joke and over-share his opinions on the subject. He rebuilt cars as a hobby and had a mechanic he loved. Well, he popped off, after years of using this guy, in front of the guy's teenage (like 16) son, just something about sex or women or whatever, and he was lucky he got out of there without the guy hitting him. The mechanic kicked him out and told him never to come back. So no, you don't sexually tease other people's kids. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 My ex husband was very crass and made sexual jokes/innuendos all the time. to the point of it being very, very annoying to not only me but most women we were friends with. However, even HE would draw the line at involving a child. He was (and I hope still is) very cognizant of young girls/teens when they were in our home and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you do not cross that line. This girl could very well go home to her parents and tell them about this, and harmless or not, they'd likely flip out! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
HarmonyDriven Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Wow! Definitely a creepy factor here.....not sure I could get past this one. It does not sound like he has apologized for his behavior, which IMO is very disturbing. He should apologize to the 13 year old for his unacceptable behavior and apologize to you for acting this way. You had to ask him several times to stop.....ugh! IMO, probably not a keeper. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 If I were you, I would dump him today. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 (edited) Huge red flag! He may have thought it was a joke, but it would be no joke for me. The fact that he didn't understand or appreciate your concern that this was an inappropriate thing to do in front a child is a big problem. Especially given the fact this this is not his child. The risk of molestation increases considerably when there are step parents, boyfriend, and other non-biologically related men in the home. You are not wrong to think that this is a huge red flag! You have two young children. You have an obligation to keep those children safe. This guy would be gone from my house and gone from my life immediately. Edited August 10, 2017 by BaileyB 9 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Huge red flag! He may have thought it was a joke, but it would be no joke for me. You are not wrong to think that it is a huge red flag. The fact that he didn't understand or appreciate your concern that this was an inappropriate thing to do in front a child is a big problem. You have two young children. You have an obligation to keep those children safe. This guy would be gone from my house and gone from my life immediately. Totally agree. Also, FYI. Reasons I've dumped someone: 1. Found out he never brushed his teeth (by never I mean maybe once a week? If that.) 2. Found out all of his previous girlfriends before me were over 20 years younger than him (so, 15 years younger than me) and the most recent might even have been a minor when they started their relationship with him as her boss. 3. Found out he hadn't had a relationship with his daughter in over 10 years, blamed the girl's mother, but didn't try to fight to see his daughter at all. What you're experiencing is definitely grounds for a breakup. This guy does not know his boundaries and I would not want him around my children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 That's not only inappropriate but is also gross and crass as others have pointed out. I'd break up with him for doing that in front of anyone of any age or gender. It's majorly weird. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
shellybing Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 I would not be having that kind of inappropiate behavior around my children or anyone elses. 13 years old is too young for that, it borders on sex abuse to me and I don't appreciate it. What if you stay with this man and have a daughter? What if that was your own daughter from a previous relationship? If my child were around a man like that, there is no way I would be dating him. It is not only valid that you are angry, but it promotes rape culture in children, and borders abuse, but it is also dis-respectful for him to be doing that toward any other woman no matter how old she is. I would leave the realtionship behind if that is how he thinks joking is supposed to go with little girls. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovetorun27 Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 So, I went to talk with my boyfriend last night. And, he now claims he was directing his towel drying episode at his friend and didn't realize that his friend's back was turned. I asked why he waited so long to say that and he claims it was due to his anger about my statement. And he claims that he called his friend to apologize and his friend didn't understand why he was apologizing. I'm not really buying it. . .now comes the break up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 So, I went to talk with my boyfriend last night. And, he now claims he was directing his towel drying episode at his friend and didn't realize that his friend's back was turned. I asked why he waited so long to say that and he claims it was due to his anger about my statement. And he claims that he called his friend to apologize and his friend didn't understand why he was apologizing. I'm not really buying it. . .now comes the break up. Nor should you, he is lying through his teeth. You're right to break up with him, he's creepy and has no sense of boundaries. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
shellybing Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 So, I went to talk with my boyfriend last night. And, he now claims he was directing his towel drying episode at his friend and didn't realize that his friend's back was turned. I asked why he waited so long to say that and he claims it was due to his anger about my statement. And he claims that he called his friend to apologize and his friend didn't understand why he was apologizing. I'm not really buying it. . .now comes the break up. This sounds like classic gas-lighting. Did you not say that he defended his actions by telling you he had been joking like this with her before? This is manipulative behavior. Not only was it inappropiate, he is now trying to manipulate this situation. I would break up with him. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 I have known many men whose sense of humor were often immature and crass and sometimes even inappropriate BUT all of them exercised basic common sense and understood that certain things, children especially, were off limits! It's fine to be a douche bag (and fine to date one if that's your thing) and it's another thing entirely to push boundaries that should never be pushed. I would set this guy out on the curb along with the rest of the trash. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Something is mentally wrong with this man. I am sure it's not the only time you wondered about him not being all there. I would be outraged and end the relationship on the spot. I would lose all respect for him and they'd be no chance of it coming back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 (edited) LOLOLOL!!! He was directing his action toward his friend whose back was to him? This guy gets weirder and weirder! So, wonder why he would kid around like that with another grown man? Anyway you look at it, his behavior was bizarre. But, what a surprise! A grown man who teases a 13-year-old girl sexually is dishonest! Edited August 10, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 I can't even imagine being a 13 year old girl and having a grown man do this to me. I mean, what in the world did the poor girl do? Was she mortified? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Everything else aside, I just got no use for some guy who assumes everyone is interested in his junk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovetorun27 Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 I never had a private moment to ask the girl hoe she felt. Wish I did! She did give me a hug as we left and said she was glad I came. I do worry that he was trying to gaslight me! I said if your friend was the target of the "joke" why didn't you say so at the beginning! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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