Coping after two weeks

[Lazy Fox]

Hello loveshack,

 

Two weeks ago my ex girlfriend broke up with me over a sudden "lack of faith". We had been together, in a long distance relationship, for a year and a half. A year of that was spent together here in the UK. She was from the US.

 

You can read more about our breakup and our backstories from her and my post, both made the day we split up.

 

I was following no contact, but with the intentions of trying to get back with her. I read the everything you need to know about exes post, and realised that i was doing no contact for the wrong reasons. I wasn't doing it for myself, and although i'd removed my ex from all social media, i was still looking at her profile several times a day, even checking to see who had liked her public posts to see if there was a new, reoccurring guy that i didn't know about.

I realised last night that this isn't healthy, that i can't do anything to change her decision (i tried everything two weeks ago), and i must start to move on and develop myself further as a person.

 

I decided to message her one last time, in order to give her a final chance at reconsidering before blocking her completely, and her response has made me very upset, hence my post here. I'll post our messages to one another here, followed my my reasoning for being so upset.

 

Here's my initial message to her:

 

Hello [her name],

 

I was following a guide, with the intention of not contacting you for 30 days, and then messaging you in hope of fixing things between us. 30 days seemed ideal - it was enough time for us both to chill out and think, and not enough time for anyone actually in love to get over someone. As of today, i had just over two weeks remaining, and things were going well for me (and for you, i hope). Just now, i was browsing the LoveShack forum and I noticed a thread (link below), and realised that i'm doing this wrong, hence this message.

I've been doing no contact for us, and not for myself. Getting back together was my goal and improving as a person was my bonus, but that isn't how it should be. As the dumpee, I should be focusing on myself. You broke up with me - there's nothing i can do to make you reconsider your decision; I can only hope (until i'm over you) that one day you change your mind.

 

I saw your post on loveshack about how i've removed you from your life. That was your decision, not mine - you chose to break up, which means i'm no longer a part of your life. Although i was upset reading that thread, it also made me a little bit happy to read how you were upset. You could say it gave me hope. One of the comments really connected with me - someone said how i've tried all i can to "salvage the relationship", which is true, and i've finally realised that there's nothing i can do to change your mind.

 

I have a lot of things i'd like to say to you and i was saving them for after the thirty days, but i'm just going to go ahead and say them now.

I think that the problem in our relationship was that it was co-dependant and you were in, and wanted, control. I imagine it stemmed from the way the relationship started, with me needing support, and ultimately it ended with you sick of that dynamic, and me trying to amend it (by asking you questions and supporting you). I always saw you as better than me, more intelligent than me and more helpful than me, but i've learned that that's not the case at all. You are just like me, a down to earth human being with minor mental health issues and real life problems of your own. I should have realised that we were equal, and i should have been there to support you but i hadn't realised this at the time, so i can't say i regret what i didn't do. I can only say that i'd do things differently in the future.

We had a few small bumps in the relationship, and having spoken to a few people, i realise that the issues we had at those times were minor, but unfortunately you didn't see it that way, and i should have respected that. In my opinion, disagreeing on something small is no reason to break up with the one you love, and i wish you'd have just rolled your eyes instead. I believe that the shows and movies you watch, in combination with your lack of dating experience, have led you to seek the 'perfect relationship', without any arguing or fighting. From what i've learned, i believe that you need to realise that no relationship is perfect, and that what we had together was a very healthy relationship with many more pros than cons, and minimal arguing and fighting.

I remember you saying how you had "given me enough chances", which sounds very one-sided and just proves how the relationship was functioning. There were plenty of times where i was upset at you for minor things, but i just let them slide as i knew they were not big enough issues to affect our relationship significantly. I remember when we argued on the way home and you took a different path. At the time, you were the victim - we had argued and i had walked off, leaving you on your own. But in hindsight, you chose to take a different route and cause me to feel really worried and wonder if you were okay. We were both upset and we both were in the wrong, not just me. I remember you always asking me to "slow down", but in reality there was no reason you couldn't have "sped up". Basically, you too were playing a part in the one-sidedness of the relationship, alongside me. I think things just ended up being one-sided because of how we started. I trust that you are open minded and can see what i'm saying - we both made mistakes, but i didn't think they were a big enough deal to split up over. Remember: there are two sides to everything, like you always said!

 

Anyway, I've done everything I can to make this work but I thought i'd make one last official attempt at resolving this before genuinely disappearing forever, following the guide below. If it's what you want, this will be my last ever message to you.

I will always love you, i will miss you, i'm sorry, i'm grateful for everything and i vow to be a better boyfriend for whoever in the future.

One day i really will get a shibe and think of you, i promise.

 

[The nickname she called me].

 

PS: Ponyo Ponyo and the Cuppy Cake Song will forever remind me of you, and please look after my pair of socks ❤

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/620326-everything-you-need-know-about-exes-let-s-discuss

 

I know that that message sounded desperate, and i know it was breaking every "no contact" rule in the book, but i felt the need to do it, thinking it would make me feel better.

I went to bed with butterflies in my stomach and woke up to her response:

 

Hey, my post on Loveshack was made right after the breakup so it was a difficult first few days for me especially since I have depression but fortunately, I'm much better now. Like the link you sent, I think I was just in the "questioning and longing" phase.

 

It's interesting to see how our views of the relationship were and are so different. I never wanted "control". You're right that at the end of the day, we were both just humans and the dynamic of our relationship wasn't like that at all.

 

The issues you considered small were a big deal to me as the issues were basic morals I hold dear to my heart. If the issues I considered big were small to you then that's just because we have different morals and priorities.

 

I know that no "perfect" relationship exists. I don't agree when you say that I felt the way I did because of the movies I watched. If anything, I think my lack of dating experience made me hold onto the relationship for longer than I should have.

 

Looking back now, I can definitely see that at least in my eyes, the relationship was unhealthy. There were more cons than pros for me. We fought a lot. Me saying I've given you enough chances was just that... I feel like I have. There were many times I wanted to break up as you saw in my notes, but I held on because I kept convincing myself that the relationship was healthy and normal... I kept thinking of the good memories. I now realise that I was in denial about how unhappy I was.

 

You definitely did give me good memories though and you've taught me many lessons that I will carry on for the rest of my life so thank you for that. I'll always remember you.

 

I know that breaking up is the right decision, at least for me. I'm very happy and less stressed right now.

 

I don't really believe in following guides, but if you feel it's best to delete me permanently from your life, then I will respect that. I genuinely wish everything well goes with you.

 

This really upset me, so i responded without thinking too much. What is there to lose, honestly?:

 

I think you're very naive, and I think you very immature. I think you've a lot to learn about dating and relationships, and I think you're wrong. Hearing you say you're happier hurts but im somewhat happy to hear it because true love takes months to get over, not two weeks.

I think you will realise a lot once you start dating someone else, but by then it will be too late.

I don't like how you put this decision on me. I haven't removed you from my life, [her name], you have removed me from yours. You're trying to ease the guilt by wording it this way, but you are responsible for the breakup, and so you must be the one to tell me that you DO want me on your life.

Hearing you say there were more cons is very sad. You never expressed that to me or made any effort to work together (not just me) to change that, and when you were here with me, you were happy. I always knew we'd be a happy couple given the chance, but you never gave us the chance. That's something that is out of my control, I just wish life had given us a chance.

I realise now that I spent most of the relationship saying and not saying things for fear of upsetting you. You're an incredibly sensitive girl, and you made me feel like I was constantly making mistakes when I wasn't. The list of issues was two sided, but it never felt that way. I don't think you will ever find a guy as willing to work on himself and the relationship as much as I did, but you will realise that in due course.

 

Note: "you never gave us the chance" is referring to the fact that she didn't want to marry in order to allow me to move to the US to be with her (understandable, but she did say she was up for it three months ago).

 

So, i've a few questions and i'll vent a little about how i feel.

 

• She seems to have either moved on, or is still in denial. How can someone in "love" move on after two weeks?
  
• We broke up several times. Once was because i am atheist and we argued about religion, and once was because we argued about transgender rights. Am i right in thinking she's living in a fantasy world where relationships are perfect, or is it okay to split up over such minor arguments?
  
• I know that i will be doing no contact following her response, but i feel very lost, just as much as i did two weeks ago. I regret messaging her, but at least now i can look back at her and know she got over me in only two weeks. I'm entering the 'anger' stage, with friends and family siding with me and telling me how she is immature and in denial. I agree with them.
  
• I don't have (m)any friends, and my family are unsupportive. There's one person i seek advice from, the mum of an old friend, and she's very supportive and helpful. She understands no contact and advised me not to message her last night, but I did anyway.
  
• I have anxiety and depression and perhaps counselling might help. That said, my ex helped me far more than my ex counsellor ever did. Medication isn't something l like, and during my last breakup i smoked a lot of weed and found it helped a lot. I've not smoked at all this time, would that help?
  
• I don't work and i rarely go outside (i'm a tech-orientated guy), whereas my ex has many friends and a full time job. No wonder she's happy, she's active and preoccupied.
  
• Sometimes i feel suicidal, wonderng what the point is anymore as everything i was looking forward to with this girl is gone. I don't have the emotional energy to start over with someone else and deal with this all over again.
  
• Neither of us really broke the no contact until i messaged her last night. She did break it after the first two days with a video of us being cute and the words "i don't know who else to send this to". It made me happy, she was still in love and cared. How can that have changed in 12 days?
  

 

I don't know where i was going with this but any advice besides "just no contact", which is what i'm going to be doing, would be appreciated. Thank you everyone.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Lazy Fox

[Spartakooty]

Well, her 'sudden' lack of faith obviously wasn't sudden. The fact that this is only 2 weeks ago means there is still a ton of healing on your side. I just went through pretty much the same thing but with a few different details of course. Been over 2 months for me now and things are getting better. Bickering over emails won't help...I did that a couple times. Trying to convince someone how wrong they are isn't going to get anyone back. They are not going to have an epiphany about us. Your girlfriend wasn't happy. She's done. At least for now. She may not know who she wants, but she doesn't want you. It sucks, believe me I know. Leave her completely alone...for your sake. Fight every urge to contact.

[Lazy Fox]

Well, her 'sudden' lack of faith obviously wasn't sudden. The fact that this is only 2 weeks ago means there is still a ton of healing on your side. I just went through pretty much the same thing but with a few different details of course. Been over 2 months for me now and things are getting better. Bickering over emails won't help...I did that a couple times. Trying to convince someone how wrong they are isn't going to get anyone back. They are not going to have an epiphany about us. Your girlfriend wasn't happy. She's done. At least for now. She may not know who she wants, but she doesn't want you. It sucks, believe me I know. Leave her completely alone...for your sake. Fight every urge to contact.

 

I agree with all of that.

I'm still fighting the urge to "make her see the light". I just read an article that i want to link to her, in the hope she realises that she was being unrealistic about us, but i know it will be no use. She needs to move on, find someone else and then potentially (and in my opinion, likely) realise that she made a mistake leaving me.

Thanks for the comment.

[Spartakooty]

I agree with all of that.

I'm still fighting the urge to "make her see the light". I just read an article that i want to link to her, in the hope she realises that she was being unrealistic about us, but i know it will be no use. She needs to move on, find someone else and then potentially (and in my opinion, likely) realise that she made a mistake leaving me.

Thanks for the comment.

 

Your ego is doing all the talking. "How could she leave the best thing that happened to her in a long time!!!" (this went through my head too) She's not stupid. Nobody expects a knight in shining armour to sweep them off their feet and I don't believe women look at relationships as perfect Disney fairytales. Don't send the article, you're still trying to convince. This just makes it harder on you. She does not care. If she thought it was a mistake to leave you she would come back.

[Lazy Fox]

Are You Expecting a 'Perfect Relationship'? | HuffPost UK

[springy]

You can send her 1000 articles telling her she made a mistake and it won't change a thing. I read her post and it appears this relationship ended for valid reasons. She has made her choice. If you had just left it at nc you would not be feeling so awful right now but people just have to keep poking the bear. Idk how old you are but she is very young & you are on two different continents. Marrying just to get you into the country would have been a complete disaster. Use the distance to your advantage and stop reaching out so you can get over her.

[springy]

Are You Expecting a 'Perfect Relationship'? | HuffPost UK

 

The entire first year of your relationship you spent chatting it up with another woman, who you only stopped communicating with when she blocked you. You also pointed out how much you liked other women's bodies, how she should dress, etc., to your ex. No one expects a perfect relationship, but at minimum respect and loyalty are not too much to ask.

 

You then basically told her marry me or break up. She made her choice.

Edited July 4, 2017 by springy

[Ashl]

Sounds like you met her on the rebound. You got over the other one and soon you'll get over this one too. Weird she wanted you when you were still hung up on the other one. You sound honest, I like that. Good luck to you.

[Lazy Fox]

Okay well i spoke to her on facebook for a little while.

We spoke and after i asked her how she was and stuff i noticed that she was replying slowly. I asked her why and she immediately responded with "i'm meeting other people". To which i asked that what extent, sex? And she told me she has been sleeping with people from Tinder over the last three weeks. I'm shocked and don't understand how she could be ready and even enjoy that, to which she responded "i'm having a bit of fun", but i understand she's free to do as she wishes. She wasn't willing to answer any other questions about her newfound sex life as it made her "feel uncomfortable". Understandable.

We spoke a lot more but she's taking ages to reply and is saying things like "i'm occupied" and when questioned, "I'm not gonna be very attentive lol" and "i'm talking to other people" which sounds to me like she's implying she's talking to someone else, and that they are more important. Again, i understand.

 

I questioned everything about the relationship and it's dynamic etc. She gave me answers about things i did wrong, and she said she was in denial for a long time. She basically fell out of love with me, yes. She was right on most of the stuff and i apologised and accepted i had made mistakes.

 

I've been writing a diary of my thoughts, to avoid messaging her, and although it's too late, i've had a couple epiphanies about some of our arguments and how i was wrong.

 

Part of me wants to keep trying but she's making it clear that she isn't interested. She said she's willing to be friends but "not now as it doesnt feel right" and she thinks that i'm not over her yet and it wouldn't be good for me. I wonder if it's because she doesn't want me in the picture pulling at her heartstrings which she's "having fun". However, she says she's over me.

 

I wish i was able to move to the US and make things right without marriage. I actually found another way to do it but unfortunately i'm too late, she is done with me.

 

At least i'm happier after she told me she was able to sleep with someone after only a week or so. That's not the most honourable move, but i understand.

[Spartakooty]

Lazy Fox...just cut her loose and stop contacting her. You're frightfully close to getting creepy. You don't need to ask questions about her sex life.

[Lazy Fox]

Lazy Fox...just cut her loose and stop contacting her. You're frightfully close to getting creepy. You don't need to ask questions about her sex life.

 

Three weeks ago she said she loved me, it's not like it's been six months. I still love her but yes you're right and i wont ask any other questions like that. I was just shocked and my mind flooded with questions, and knowing who it is would just allow more closure for me. "She went off with someone more attractive" for example.

 

Cutting her loose is proving to be too hard for me right now, but i'd like to remain friends if possible for a while. She seemed up for it, just "not right now".

[Spartakooty]

Please know that i totally understand your feelings on this. I suspect I'm a little older than you, and even now it's hard. Closure does not come from her. That's all you. Who cares who she's sleeping with...doesn't matter one bit. A month before I got dumped she told me she wanted her next move to be in with me as in living together. Then poof. It's how some people operate. But like I mentioned, this was on her mind for some time prior to ending it. Your ex may in fact still love you, but no longer sees a future with you. It's her life. You're lucky in a sense that you have an ocean between you. In two months this will make more sense to you. Time is your friend in this.

[Lazy Fox]

Thanks for the support. I know all of that, i'm not as naive as it may seem. Time will certainly heal this but i'm still in denial about all of it. For me, things were quite sudden, and i wish she had tried harder to set me aside when she felt like splitting up in the past, so as to have given me chance to improve, but alas, it's too late and i will accept that in time.

[Spartakooty]

Thanks for the support. I know all of that, i'm not as naive as it may seem. Time will certainly heal this but i'm still in denial about all of it. For me, things were quite sudden, and i wish she had tried harder to set me aside when she felt like splitting up in the past, so as to have given me chance to improve, but alas, it's too late and i will accept that in time.

 

Nope, wouldn't call you naive. But love makes us do stupid sh**! I too was in denial in the first month. I'm almost 3 months in and believe me it gets easier...way easier. I still shake my head over it, but nothing I can do except get back to being myself. In my heart I simply wish her the best - you should too. Still NC tho. Hard to imagine hanging out as friends at this point...cuz why? So we can sit around and talk about her boy troubles?

[Marc878]

If you chase they always move farther away.

 

You can't make anyone see or do anything.

 

Hopefully you've learned

[Lazy Fox]

Thanks guys, i will do my best.

[Lazy Fox]

Well, this ended with me finding out that she lost love over time and thought the entire relationship was unhealthy. After less than a week of splitting up with me she started to sleep around on Tinder and as of three weeks being separated, she's slept with four guys, eleven times. I'm heartbroken and angry that she was even mentally able to do that so soon after me, and that she left me in the dark while enjoying her life. I felr like the victim, but she disagrees. She wasn't who i thought she was (monogamous at the very least), and I realise i may have dodged a bullet. The distance we had saddened me as she was probably craving sex that i couldn't give her which likely added to her wanting to split. Thanks for all the comments everyone.

[basil67]

Well, this ended with me finding out that she lost love over time and thought the entire relationship was unhealthy. After less than a week of splitting up with me she started to sleep around on Tinder and as of three weeks being separated, she's slept with four guys, eleven times. I'm heartbroken and angry that she was even mentally able to do that so soon after me, and that she left me in the dark while enjoying her life. I felr like the victim, but she disagrees. She wasn't who i thought she was (monogamous at the very least), and I realise i may have dodged a bullet. The distance we had saddened me as she was probably craving sex that i couldn't give her which likely added to her wanting to split. Thanks for all the comments everyone.

 

So, she's let her hair down and had some fun after you gave her no choice but to end the relationship. She's done nothing wrong here.

[Lazy Fox]

After one week? Just not my type of girl...

I'm a sexually attached person, i wouldn't even enjoy sex with someone else right now, and i'm just hurt that she is sleeping with four guys on rotation after only a week. To me that's disgusting.

On top of this I learned a lot about how she was unhappy in the relationship and that she never bothered to try to make things work. She wasn't willing to commit, try or even communicate and instead just blocked me out of her life, and then went on to rebound with casual sex while I cried myself to sleep. I felt it was very unfair.

Edited July 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Lazy Fox]

But ultimately it's her body and her life but everyone i've spoken to has said that it's ****ed up that she's sleeping around so casually so soon. If she was over me enough to do this after only a week, then she was lying while she was with me because only a week or two before we split up i was asking her if she loves me / is seeing anyone / wants to, and you don't get over someone enough to sleep with multiple other guys after only a week. Perhaps she's seeking gratification from the guys, I don't know.

[Lazy Fox]

So, she's let her hair down and had some fun after you gave her no choice but to end the relationship. She's done nothing wrong here.

 

Also i feel the need to defend myself here. I gave her an ultimatum which i regretted and took back the day after. Sure, i did give her an ultimatum but if she had wanted to be with me, she'd have accepted i made a mistake giving the ultimatum. On paper, i split up wuth her but it was very much the other way around. She removed me, she blocked me, and i was the one crying and begging at one point. So i didn't "give her no choice" as much as I made a silly mistake which enabled her to take control and split up.

[Blanco]

I don't understand this, anyway. You two are on different continents.

[springy]

You don't really recover from ultimatums like that when a relationship is already unhealthy. She got over you slowly while in the relationship, likely subconsciously, and that's why you think she only grieved for a week. Your ultimatum gave her an out she didn't realize she wanted until it happened. That little moment of freedom gave her a bit of an epiphany. You cannot try to manipulate people with break up threats - it can backfire as you have learned. You don't get to change your mind and take it back expecting all to be well.

 

I think rather than taking on the part of a victim, a good deal of self reflection about your part in your current situation would be beneficial. You just cannot treat people badly and expect undying love.

 

She was faithful to you while in the relationship. She is now free to do as she pleases. I'm sorry you are learning a painful lesson, but use this experience in such a way that you never repeat these mistakes again (any of them) and do not reach out to her anymore. You know entirely too much detail about your ex's post breakup actions. Stop torturing yourself. What's done is done, now time to move forward.

Edited July 20, 2017 by springy

[Lazy Fox]

You don't really recover from ultimatums like that when a relationship is already unhealthy. She got over you slowly while in the relationship, likely subconsciously, and that's why you think she only grieved for a week. Your ultimatum gave her an out she didn't realize she wanted until it happened. That little moment of freedom gave her a bit of an epiphany. You cannot try to manipulate people with break up threats - it can backfire as you have learned. You don't get to change your mind and take it back expecting all to be well.

 

I think rather than taking on the part of a victim, a good deal of self reflection about your part in your current situation would be beneficial. You just cannot treat people badly and expect undying love.

 

She was faithful to you while in the relationship. She is now free to do as she pleases. I'm sorry you are learning a painful lesson, but use this experience in such a way that you never repeat these mistakes again (any of them) and do not reach out to her anymore. You know entirely too much detail about your ex's post breakup actions. Stop torturing yourself. What's done is done, now time to move forward.

 

Very well said and I agree entirely. I've had a lot of thinking and i'll be doing much more, with therapy starting in two weeks. We were codependant on one another, more so from me and i was completely consumed by her, more interested in her and her life than my own (despite her saying she didn't feel wanted or cared about for some reason). It was an unhealthy relationship that could have been salvaged with better communication but we never sat down and talked like i wanted to. It was a shame but she has shown her true colours in my opinion

[Spartakooty]

I'm starting to think you dodged a bullet...