Feeling very torn about long term relationship

[rayj83]

Hi all,

 

I wasn't sure if this belonged more here or more in the sex forum, but I think this is probably the better place. I'm looking for some help out there for my situation. I've been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years now. She moved in about 5 months ago. I'm 31 she's 30. When we met things moved very quickly and we spent a ton of time together but we enjoyed it a lot and it was so nice to have someone who has so in to me. I've had a series of long-term relationships, and intense short-term relationships, with each one ending for different reasons but about 80% of the time because of the woman ending things. I struggle with mental health issues, self-confidence/self-esteem and have had (in the past) had some addiction problems but that has not been issue with the current girlfriend.

 

With that background in mind, I am seriously torn about what to do. The positives are we have amazing chemistry inter-personally - seem to have same values, sense of humor, think/say the same thing - it generally just feels "right" being with her, almost like we are two peas in a pod. The negatives are, since I met her, we have a dull sex life and she can be very critical of me. I'm a very sexual person. She cannot orgasm (whether with me or on her own), has little to no interest in sex it seems, finds oral sex (receiving and giving) to not be exciting/interesting. She has no trouble getting aroused physically, but is not just not interested in the same things sexually as I am. Kissing/being intimate with her just doesn't feel right anymore - it feels forced and awkward. These problems have been present since day 1 really, but have really escalated in the past 8-10 months I'd say.

 

We've talked about this ad nauseam and her point of view is that I don't show her enough love/care and that if I did, she would be more interested in me sexually and be willing to get more interested in things. However I picked up on the sexual incompatibility earlier on in the relationship (when I was showing more love and care) and found as I doubted our sexually comp ability over time, I pulled away. Her promises that everything will be "fine" if I show more love and attention to the relationship don't feel genuine to me because even when things were great, the sex was not where I needed it to be. To me, my biggest frustration is her lack of interest or desire in doing things sexually (in particular oral sex, certain sex positions) that I enjoy and want her to enjoy. She doesn't seem to get much pleasure out of sex, doesn't seem to want sex. It's so bizarre to me.

 

Anyways, this relationship is obviously serious and the fact she has moved in, and is 30 years old, makes me feel a lot of pressure to commit to her long-term (ie: engagement, marriage) and I am freaked out because of it. I come from a divorced family and know how much trouble it can be and know if there are these issues now, it can only get worse.

 

I genuinely love her and could see myself being with her forever, but I'm not getting my needs met sexually and I believe there is a fundamental problem of sexually incompatibility. Believe me we've discussed this a lot and nothing has improved. My needs/desires are not all that crazy - mostly just sex positions (not anal) and oral sex, and a general interest and desire on her end in sex.

 

I know I will never be truly happy with someone who has these views. But can I rely on her to change? I do not want to end this relationship and neither does she. I am a very emotional person and would feel awful for leaving her, especially since she moved in and I've shown a commitment to her (her parents made me talk to them before she moved in to judge my "intentions"). I think I'm also hesitant to leave because of my self-confidence issues and worry about ever finding someone I could connect with at this level.

 

I see a lot of her mother in her who has been a hyper critical person of me and I do not sense her parents' sex life is that great (although who knows!).

 

I hope this gives people enough flavour. I could go on and on but don't want to write an essay. I hope people can help me through this. I feel very upset and torn about what to do and what the best course of action is for the two of us. I have suggested seeing a therapist but her, like me, feel that isn't that a sign this relationship isn't going anywhere? This feeds into one of my biggest concerns that if the sex is like this now, how can it possibly get better? I feel I always resent her for not being the person I need to be with on a sexual level.

Edited June 20, 2017 by rayj83

[hippychick3]

I think the fact that she is so critical of you is just as or even more destructive to the relationship than the sexual incompatibility. That criticism will only get worse in time and will proliferate every aspect of your relationship until you grow to despise and resent her.

 

Unless you went to intensive couples therapy that dealt with her aversion to sex and her criticism, I don't see this working out for you. You will be a very unhappy and unfulfilled person in the long run.

[Blanco]

Pretty easy rule of thumb: Sex rarely increases/gets better after a certain point in the relationship.

 

But I agree with the above poster: Constant criticism is going to wear you down way more over the long haul than a lagging sex life.

 

There are two sides to each story, but I do note how in your post, it appears that your girlfriend attributes any flaws with the relationship to something on your end. Sometimes these are valid criticisms, but if it feels like you are often or always at fault in the eyes of your partner, then you need to bail. That will not change and you will drive yourself insane dedicating your life to doing the impossible: appeasing her.

[salparadise]

I agree with the two above completely. With regard to sex, it's a mistake to compromise too much on sex. If you have an enthusiastic partner who enjoys sex and you just need a bit of exploration, that's one thing. But a total mismatch in drive to the point that she has little or no interest early in a relationship... she's not to wake up one day being a highly sexual woman. And the fact that she's blaming you for her low drive is the icing on the cake.

 

When you're in a relationship that you want to be good, you may tend to believe the criticisms and conclude that you aren't doing enough to trigger her desire. If you're treating her well, being attentive and affectionate and she's still not sexual, it's not you. You can't make grand gestures three or four times a week, upping the ante every time.

 

I think this relationship is going to fail sooner or later. Sex is necessary.

[rayj83]

I hear you all and appreciate it. I guess I'm hearing what I don't want to hear I had so much hope for this working out.

[hestheone66]

I hear you all and appreciate it. I guess I'm hearing what I don't want to hear I had so much hope for this working out.

 

Sex is fundamental to the way my relationship works. We would prioritise it over any other aspect, and accordingly, the other aspects of communication are improved as neither of us wants to jeopardize our good open expression of our love and desire.

 

If sex is fundamental to you, the two of you are simply incompatible. No one is to blame.

 

Don't allow your previous relationship failures make you hold onto this. Make a clean break and some IC in regards to your self esteem.

 

Or, if it's possible ask if she would commit to 7 days of having sex (doesn't have to be PIV) . The forced intimacy can sometimes kick-start a failing relationship. The chemical bonding hormones released in sex have evolved to keep people together. I saw a TV show about it and after a few awkward days, couple's communication really improved. Like any skill just gets better with practice.