Was this an abusive relationship for both of us?

[jussie]

My boyfriend of over a year dumped me a few days ago (just after my birthday). I admit that I was more committed to the relationship than he was, especially toward the end, but he was a great guy overall and said he wanted to pursue a serious relationship with me. We had talked about marriage and kids, and in the beginning he was very gung-ho about it. Over time, as our relationship deteriorated, he began to back out of those things.

 

He treated me well and was always thoughtful, kind, considerate, and generous. We got along well for the most part because we share the same values, beliefs, sense of humor, attitudes about life, and a few interests. Where we didn't really match up was our stage in life - he is 34, but moved out for the first time a year ago when he bought his own house; I have been living on my own for the past 11 years and I am 33. When I say he moved out, I mean he went off to college and lived at school, but moved straight back into the house he grew up in right after he graduated and lived there until recently. He has never lived alone, never figured out how to cook for himself, regularly clean his own place, and basically be an adult. He manages his work stuff, his car, finances, and many other things very well, but this one seems to have been a low priority to him. All that to say that when we started dating, he had just moved into his new house and I basically had to teach him how to cook and clean, and I helped him pick out furniture because he has no aesthetic skill. I had always resented that I basically "trained" him, but accepted it because he was such a great boyfriend in the other ways I mentioned.

 

We did argue on a somewhat regular basis though. Most of the arguments were petty and centered around what I call "relationship logistics". He hasn't dated many people and has never "dated around," so his lack of experience was difficult for me - I had to teach him a lot of "relationship basics." For example, early on, he was still in contact with his ex of over a year on a daily basis. What I found out was that SHE was the one contacting him all the time, and I had to explain to him that it was because she still wanted him back and was trying to keep the line alive. I pointed out that as soon as he told her he was in a serious relationship (with me), she stopped contacting him. How did he not understand this?! I'm guessing it's one of those things that comes with experience.

 

Over time, the arguments became very wearisome and frustrating for him. They weren't as much for me because I knew that after the honeymoon phase, you start learning who the person truly is, and it might not be pretty, so it takes adjustment. You have arguments to air things out and gain understanding, but the arguments don't doom the relationship. But for him, he felt every argument meant that we were incompatible, and I think that's because he's a very non-confrontational person. He avoids conflict, runs away from it, and tries to sweep it under the rug. I would rather just solve the problem ASAP. I am guessing the arguments piled up and made him think we weren't right for each other. I felt that, over time, the arguments would subside. In my opinion, he has an unrealistic view of relationships, where it should be conflict-free all the time and both people should be happy all the time. i think it's more realistic to say that there are some days where you won't be happy and the partner just has to deal with it, instead of running away.

 

(I should note that during the first half of our relationship, I had a pretty good job. It was stressful though, and I was let go. Then I had 4 very grueling months of job searching where I was very frustrated, angry, sad, and hopeless at least one day a week. I went to him for comfort, and I think being there for me wore on him. He was constantly having to cheer me up. During this time he was a great inspiration for me, and always said that he wanted to be there next to me when I got a job and put my life together again. After I finally got my job, we said to each other that I would be less negative because I wouldn't be so stressed out anymore, and our relationship would get better. I have been in my job for two weeks, and I don't think that was enough time for me to settle in and stop being stressed out. Furthermore, I had to take a $20k paycut, but I accepted the job because I wasn't getting any other offers. Needless to say, I'm not that happy about this job and it has arguably made me more stressed out, and that bleeds into my relationship.)

 

The break-up was pretty ugly. We got into an argument in my apartment because he wanted to watch a basketball game instead of exploring the city with me (even though we were going to go to a bar later to watch another basketball game that night). I was upset that he was choosing to watch basketball instead of hanging out with me, and I said that if he wanted to do that he could have just stayed home instead of coming up to spend the weekend with me. We had already discussed walking around town and getting to know my new neighborhood, so I didn't think it was going to be an issue. But we started yelling at each other, and in the end he stormed out and drove off. He left me stranded in LA - my car was in the shop in Orange County and we had taken HIS car up to LA. After he drove off, he blocked my number on his phone, so I couldn't get a hold of him. I thought perhaps he might calm down and come back for me, but he never did. I ended up taking a metro to the train station, and then once I got to Orange County I had to take an Uber to get to his house, where I had parked my mom's car (which I was borrowing). There was nobody available to come get me in LA or even Orange County when I arrived at the train station because my mom can't drive due to an injury she's recovering from, and my dad is out of the country on business. He knew all this, and STILL abandoned me!

 

By the time I got to his house, he had already changed the locks, and I couldn't get in his house to get my things (I left quite a few things there because I was staying there so often). And he wasn't home because earlier his brother invited him out to dinner with the whole family, so I was S.O.L. I knew he was going to go to his mom's house after the dinner to hang out with everyone, so I actually drove there to try to talk to him (it's 5 min away from my dad's house, where I decided to stay). His brother answered the door and I could tell by the way he greeted me, my boyfriend had not told him a single thing. I told him what happened, and he was shocked that his older brother had just abandoned me in Pasadena with no way back. I told him that I needed to talk to his brother about getting my things, and he passed the message, but came back saying that my boyfriend didn't want to talk to me or see me. So I spent the rest of the night not being able to sleep or eat due to severe anxiety, calling him every few hours to see if he had unblocked me. I had extreme heart palpitations and chest tightening, and was not able to calm down for over 24 hours. Even now, 4 days later, he still has me blocked.

 

The next morning (Sunday), I decided I would just reach him at his house, so I went fairly early when I knew he would still be sleeping. I rang the doorbell many times until he answered the door, and he actually had most of my stuff packed up and ready to go. He claimed he was planning on bringing it to me later that day. But he wouldn't let me in his house! He said he didn't trust me in his house and that's why he had locked me out. We argued right there on the front porch about me getting my stuff, because he had forgotten to pack a few things and I wanted to go in and get them. He told me to tell him what to retrieve and he would bring it to me. I explained that I didn’t remember everything that was inside and so I had to go in myself. He got so petty as to say, “If you can name one thing I forgot to pack, you can come in.” So I said that he forgot my tampons in the bathroom, but even then there was a physical struggle to get in! But he followed me around every room and yelled at me when I took stuff that he had given me as a gift but wanted to keep for himself. He called me a slut, a whore, a thief, among other things, and said horrendous things about me. I was able to get everything I wanted to collect, but it was not a peaceful ending. I wanted answers from him about why he stranded me when he knew I didn't have anyone to pick me up, and why he locked me out, and why this all happened. In the end, we didn't even say goodbye to each other - I bawled me eyes out in front of him while asking my questions, and while I did get some answers, they weren’t satisfying. Then I simply put my stuff in the car and drove away.

 

We had plans to go see Chris Rock in Phoenix in May. We were supposed to see him in Feb, but Chris Rock canceled the show because he got sick, so this May trip was actually a second attempt because the tickets to the show are still good. The plane tickets have been bought, and they are non-refundable and cannot be exchanged or changed. Ali doesn't want to go with me, even just as friends, so now I am scrambling to find someone who can go with me so that I don't waste all the money I spent. The whole plane ticket thing is complicated because we bought one-way tickets: he bought 2 one-way tickets to Phoenix, and I bought the 2 one-way tickets to come back to LA, so neither one of us has a roundtrip ticket. The best-case scenario is if I can find a friend to go with me, and just change the tickets from his name to my friend's name.

 

As you can imagine, I'm extremely heartbroken and hurt. I really thought we would eventually get married. We grew up in the same hometown, went to the same schools, and know the same people. His good friend is cousins with my one of my good friends. I know I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship, but I didn't know that he was so unhappy with me. I am really sad that such a long relationship (over a year, which is really long for me, given my track record) has ended so badly. I understand that he is hurt, but I didn't think it was right for him to 1) abandon me when he was my only ride back, 2) abandon me knowing there was nobody who could come pick me up, 3) lock me out of his house, and 4) block my number.

 

IN HIS DEFENSE, because of our history of intense arguing, I think he was genuinely afraid of what I might do. When I first was let go from my job, he was in Denver for work and flew me out to help me relax and get away from the sadness to let me process things. However, while I was there, we had a rather serious conflict. I had asked him to order more towels for me by calling the front desk of the hotel, and he said he would do it later, which angered me. I simply called them myself, and by the time I got out of my shower, they still hadn't brought the towels. I was angry at him that he was going to delay getting me the towels after he had pretty much used all of them and thrown them on the ground, so there were no clean towels for me. I felt that the least he could do was get a new towel for me. We yelled at each other, and I threatened to leave and said I wanted him to take me to the airport. He refused, and so I grabbed the rental car keys off the table and basically held them hostage until he agreed to take me to the airport. This freaked him out because the car was being used for work and his job would be on the line if I did anything crazy. I wasn't actually going to drive away in the car by myself, but he really thought I would. After that, he was freaked out and wouldn't let me back in the room. He even went so far as to change the key card so that my key card wouldn't work anymore. He refused to take me to the airport and said that if I wanted to leave, I had to find a way there myself, or pay for a new hotel room for myself until my flight, which wasn't for another two days. I basically had to spend two hours begging him to let me stay. We both apologized to each other, but things were never really the same after that. He never really trusted me again, I don't think.

 

All that to say, I think that's why our break-up happened the way it did.

 

I guess my question now is, given the anecdotes I shared, was this an abusive relationship on both our parts? I felt like there were times he was abusive toward me - hanging up the phone on me, using foul language toward me when we argued, being uncommunicative and condescending toward me, etc. It seemed that we were both immature and didn't take the high road, so we are both at fault. But he seems to believe that I am the devil and that I would be out to "kill" him after he stranded me like that, and was afraid I would try to seek revenge by going into his house and damaging his property. I have never had anyone think that way about me, and I am extremely saddened and offended that he thinks that way about me. I am afraid that I will repeat this with someone else, or that nobody will want me if they were to find out the kinds of conflicts I’ve had with my boyfriend.

 

And for some strange reason, I want this guy to take me back. I know I shouldn’t want to be with someone who felt it was okay to abandon me like that due to his lack of anger management. But as I said in the beginning of this post, he is really a great guy.

 

At this point, I am not expecting him to come back. I would just like him to stop hating me enough to unblock me. I still want to be friends with him.

[klick09]

First of all, how old are you two?

And my second question , what did he tell you when you cried in front of him and asked why all that was happening?

[preraph]

Honey, he sounds like the spoiled child who never grew up. Which is exactly what he is. The first mistake was you having to take on the role of teaching him how to do things. This put you in the role of a parent -- ironically, since apparently HIS parents never prepared him to become an adult.

 

That ruins everything, having a parent/child relationship. He is a spoiled brat who always has to have his way, and he's had 35 years to learn how to get it from his mom or he'd have been out of there a decade ago.

 

I don't think either of you were especially abusive. I just think he was verbally abusive, which is bad enough, calling all that stuff for no good reason.

 

He is a little boy. He has no protective feelings towards you like a grown man would have. Hell, I wouldn't leave one of my girlfriends or even a neighbor I barely know stranded somewhere! Most people are more decent than that. But not him. He's a taker and a little boy who has learned that having tantrums and digging in gets him what he wants.

 

You need to wash yourself clean of him and I know you can do much better. Stay away from guys who have never lived on their own. You know that now.

[klick09]

First of all, how old are you two?

And my second question , what did he tell you when you cried in front of him and asked why all that was happening?

 

Never mind, I missed that part. I now see he is 34.

[jussie]

I don't know if your first question was sarcastic, but if you are not being sarcastic, you will see that I stated our ages earlier in the post. I am 33, and he is 34.

 

His defense was that he was extremely angry at me and just wanted to get the hell away from me. He said he was "literally trying to escape." And that's how he justified stranding me. On top of that, he added his own anecdote about how his mom actually kicked him out of the car when he was 12 because he was misbehaving (I'm not sure - he said he didn't remember the specifics), and he didn't think it was a big deal. But I explained to him that just because she did that to him, doesn't mean it was ok for him to do it to me. Perhaps it wasn't a big deal to him because he supposedly got over it (but then why did he remember it all these years later?), doesn't mean that other people will react the same. I made him understand that I ended up getting severe anxiety because of what he did, and he said he had no idea and then finally started to show a tiny bit of remorse. But in the end, he still said he felt justified to act the way he did in order to "protect" himself.

[jussie]

First of all, how old are you two?

And my second question , what did he tell you when you cried in front of him and asked why all that was happening?

 

I don't know if your first question was sarcastic, but if you are not being sarcastic, you will see that I stated our ages earlier in the post. I am 33, and he is 34.

 

His defense was that he was extremely angry at me and just wanted to get the hell away from me. He said he was "literally trying to escape." And that's how he justified stranding me. On top of that, he added his own anecdote about how his mom actually kicked him out of the car when he was 12 because he was misbehaving (I'm not sure - he said he didn't remember the specifics), and he didn't think it was a big deal. But I explained to him that just because she did that to him, doesn't mean it was ok for him to do it to me. Perhaps it wasn't a big deal to him because he supposedly got over it (but then why did he remember it all these years later?), doesn't mean that other people will react the same. I made him understand that I ended up getting severe anxiety because of what he did, and he said he had no idea and then finally started to show a tiny bit of remorse. But in the end, he still said he felt justified to act the way he did in order to "protect" himself.

[klick09]

Honey, he sounds like the spoiled child who never grew up. Which is exactly what he is. The first mistake was you having to take on the role of teaching him how to do things. This put you in the role of a parent -- ironically, since apparently HIS parents never prepared him to become an adult.

 

That ruins everything, having a parent/child relationship. He is a spoiled brat who always has to have his way, and he's had 35 years to learn how to get it from his mom or he'd have been out of there a decade ago.

 

I don't think either of you were especially abusive. I just think he was verbally abusive, which is bad enough, calling all that stuff for no good reason.

 

He is a little boy. He has no protective feelings towards you like a grown man would have. Hell, I wouldn't leave one of my girlfriends or even a neighbor I barely know stranded somewhere! Most people are more decent than that. But not him. He's a taker and a little boy who has learned that having tantrums and digging in gets him what he wants.

 

You need to wash yourself clean of him and I know you can do much better. Stay away from guys who have never lived on their own. You know that now.

This is SO true! I lived with someone who (besides living in a dorm for 2 years) always lived with his parents, and he is 30. He even has his own apartment, but still opts to live with his parents....When we moved in together, it had to be close to them (like one block and his mama had to box him lunch for work). Now, in the end of our relationship, I was also, just like OP, called names, blocked everywhere, hated AND stranded in a FOREIGN country. Oh and yes, my ex was also very generous with buying me tickets, flowers, vacations, rings and so on. But that's the extent of their qualities as a partner, and it is NOT enough for a serious partnership.

I questioned my own qualities as a partner. The truth is, if you are an actual adult, you cannot deal with this kind of people, you will always be frustrated, you will always point out that they are little kids who need to grow up, and so on. You need a mature, loving man, and then you will see what kind of spoiled kiddo this one was. Come back and let us know how much better you are doing . Hugs.

[klick09]

I don't know if your first question was sarcastic, but if you are not being sarcastic, you will see that I stated our ages earlier in the post. I am 33, and he is 34.

 

His defense was that he was extremely angry at me and just wanted to get the hell away from me. He said he was "literally trying to escape." And that's how he justified stranding me. On top of that, he added his own anecdote about how his mom actually kicked him out of the car when he was 12 because he was misbehaving (I'm not sure - he said he didn't remember the specifics), and he didn't think it was a big deal. But I explained to him that just because she did that to him, doesn't mean it was ok for him to do it to me. Perhaps it wasn't a big deal to him because he supposedly got over it (but then why did he remember it all these years later?), doesn't mean that other people will react the same. I made him understand that I ended up getting severe anxiety because of what he did, and he said he had no idea and then finally started to show a tiny bit of remorse. But in the end, he still said he felt justified to act the way he did in order to "protect" himself.

I am sorry, I was not sarcastic, but I somehow missed that. As someone who has been through this with someone who sounds so much like your ex, please, keep NC. Please, run away. You will have to deal with this your entire life if you ever reconcile and end up getting married, for example. His tantrums will pass, his ego will ride him as long as someone else does not show him his place, and he will eventually be back as a friend or whatever. You do not need friends like that. You do not need a neighbor like that, let alone a partner. You should be dealing with kids' tantrums, not with your partner's tantrums. And trust me, once your adoration for him starts t wear off, there will be nothing to admire about him anymore, and you will eventually dump him. Save your time, and go for someone who is going to treat you way better.

[hippychick3]

There is no level of anger that would justify him locking you out of a hotel room or leaving you to fend for yourself with no car. Someone who genuinely loves and cares about you would not behave this way no matter how angry they are. Even when angry, he should feel somewhat protective of you deep down inside. He does not and that alone would cause me to cut ties and move on.

 

He sounds verbally and emotionally abusive. Your actions at the hotel were immature but not abusive and certainly not an excusable precursor for what is happening now.

[Raena]

IMO your relationship with him is verbally abusive but mostly just toxic. When someone brings out the worst in you, they aren't the right person for you.

 

Had you been with the right guy who treats you right, you probably wouldn't have been so upset about him not calling for a towel for you. You probably would have been taking a shower with him instead or not reacted in such a strong way. You reacted that way not just because of the towel but because it's yet another example of how he's not meeting your needs in general. Kind of like the tip of an iceburg... there's more to your anger in that situation than just an irritation over having no towels to dry off on because he used them up without thinking you would need one.

[basil67]

I agree with the other posters so far. His behaviour is unacceptable.

 

However I also want to point out that the number of intense arguments the two of you were having is NOT in the realms of normal. I know you want to explain it away as being about settling in, but all it really shows is that one or both of you is unable to have a discussion without it escalating into a hurtful situation. Perhaps you grew up in a household where there was much arguing and you think it's normal?

 

When there is this intense arguing, there comes a time where we have to accept incompatibility and end it. You were trying to put a square in a round hole and it was never going to fit.

 

I would also caution you to get a better handle on your own moods. Taking out stress on your partner once a week is far too much and I can see why he got tired of it. I suspect he wasn't alone in bad behaviour here.

 

Lastly, after all you've just written, why on earth would you want to be friends with him?

[rushed]

The break-up was pretty ugly. We got into an argument in my apartment ...But we started yelling at each other, and in the end he stormed out and drove off. He left me stranded in LA - my car was in the shop in Orange County and we had taken HIS car up to LA. After he drove off, he blocked my number on his phone, so I couldn't get a hold of him. I thought perhaps he might calm down and come back for me, but he never did. I ended up taking a metro to the train station, and then once I got to Orange County I had to take an Uber to get to his house, where I had parked my mom's car (which I was borrowing). There was nobody available to come get me in LA or even Orange County when I arrived at the train station because my mom can't drive due to an injury she's recovering from, and my dad is out of the country on business. He knew all this, and STILL abandoned me!

 

He abandoned you... in your apartment?

[jussie]

He abandoned you... in your apartment?

 

Perhaps "abandon" was the wrong word. He stranded me. I explained in my original post that my car was in the shop and we took his car to my apartment. The shop is 2 hours away from my apartment and we were going to go pick up my car the next day. I was essentially stranded because I had no mode of transportation to get me back to my car.

[rushed]

Perhaps "abandon" was the wrong word. He stranded me. I explained in my original post that my car was in the shop and we took his car to my apartment. The shop is 2 hours away from my apartment and we were going to go pick up my car the next day. I was essentially stranded because I had no mode of transportation to get me back to my car.

 

Ah, got it. I wouldn't exactly call the relationship abusive. He sounds very immature. That name-calling at the end was over-the-top and I'd never want to see or hear from him again after that. You're better off without him in your life.

[jussie]

I agree with the other posters so far. His behaviour is unacceptable.

 

However I also want to point out that the number of intense arguments the two of you were having is NOT in the realms of normal. I know you want to explain it away as being about settling in, but all it really shows is that one or both of you is unable to have a discussion without it escalating into a hurtful situation. Perhaps you grew up in a household where there was much arguing and you think it's normal?

 

When there is this intense arguing, there comes a time where we have to accept incompatibility and end it. You were trying to put a square in a round hole and it was never going to fit.

 

I would also caution you to get a better handle on your own moods. Taking out stress on your partner once a week is far too much and I can see why he got tired of it. I suspect he wasn't alone in bad behaviour here.

 

Lastly, after all you've just written, why on earth would you want to be friends with him?

 

You're completely right - there was bad behavior on my part too. I am horrible at handling stress past a certain amount. I feel terrible that I took out stress on him. It wasn't intentional. He was just in the line of fire. I tried to repair it but as you probably suspect it was just too much and was irreparable.

 

I still believe he is a good person that acted horribly. We are all human and I understand he made a big mistake stranding me and all that stuff. I respect him for the good things he did for me. That's why I still want to be friends with him.

 

I do agree that I probably should have accepted that we are incompatible. But even now I still believe our communication issues could have been resolved perhaps with counseling. But he was not open to that.

[Buttercat]

Abusive? Nah. Immature? Absolutely.

 

He sounds like he's got some sort of developmental disorder..do you know if he's ever been evaluated to see if he's on the autism scale?

 

Not saying that to be rude..it's a genuine question.

[jussie]

Abusive? Nah. Immature? Absolutely.

 

He sounds like he's got some sort of developmental disorder..do you know if he's ever been evaluated to see if he's on the autism scale?

 

Not saying that to be rude..it's a genuine question.

 

No, not autistic at all. But I do think he has mild depression. Several posters have mentioned how immature he is (and I am) - I think he definitely has some growing up to DOB my guess is his mom coddled him. I thought I could help him do it and we would both be better off. But I guess I was an idiot to try.

[Buttercat]

No, not autistic at all. But I do think he has mild depression. Several posters have mentioned how immature he is (and I am) - I think he definitely has some growing up to DOB my guess is his mom coddled him. I thought I could help him do it and we would both be better off. But I guess I was an idiot to try.

 

Of course you weren't! Whether he's got some sort of mental or emotional disorder or he's just a product of a toxic environment growing up, he will never have a healthy relationship unless he takes responsibility for teaching himself to be an adult.

 

It's too much pressure to put on a girlfriend. His parents failed. You did not.

 

You will be ok.

[jussie]

Of course you weren't! Whether he's got some sort of mental or emotional disorder or he's just a product of a toxic environment growing up, he will never have a healthy relationship unless he takes responsibility for teaching himself to be an adult.

 

It's too much pressure to put on a girlfriend. His parents failed. You did not.

 

You will be ok.

 

Thank you for being so kind. Thank you to everyone who posted and gave their opinion. All your commented were really helpful.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you for being so kind. Thank you to everyone who posted and gave their opinion. All your commented were really helpful.

 

 

sometimes the only thing you can take from a failed relationship..is personal growth...i think and feel you are really quite a gracious person who can really actually take criticism and be gracious about it that is an adult response to me...a beautiful trait to have........you thank people even..you have a big heart...you tried and you have grown..you are also incredibly honest about yoru own short comings....and highlight positive characteristics in others.....

 

 

i dont think you are immature no w....actually so ill disagree with other posters who have said you are immature ..you might have been ...but not now........i wish you well and hope you find a loving relationship where the guy you are with is closer to your equal...in love in my experience there is always soem one more adept...thats fact.......good luck...deb

[curiouslysearching]

I honestly have no idea what you call people like HIM (abusive, mean, evil, etc) but I do KNOW that what he DOES or DID is so messed up that I cannot fathom his actions. I had no idea that there was so much mental cruelty transpiring during simple break ups. I know that often times women are just as cruel but it does seem that the majority of the cruelty in these threads stems from men.

What has happened to simple etiquette and kindness towards another human being. Just because a relationship ends that does not give someone a FREE PASS to lose their minds and act out against another person especially a man towards a woman. Some of the actions these ladies have had to endure are truly disgusting in nature.

[basil67]

But even now I still believe our communication issues could have been resolved perhaps with counseling. But he was not open to that.

 

Oh sweetie, if you need counselling to get to the point of marriage, the two of you shouldn't marry.

 

Dating and relationships are about finding Mr/Ms Right. It's not about finding the wrong person and trying to make it work.