There's supposed to be 50 ways to leave your lover?

[franksmith]

Hi, I'm new to this so be gentle!

 

To cut to the chase, I've been living with my girlfriend for aprox 3 years but my feelings for her have been slowly ebbing for about 2 years and right now I know I dont love her and want to leave, bu tleavings the problem.

 

We've had problems before (I wont go in to them in detail now but you knowing them will give you a better idea I dont mind sharing, there just a bit long winded!), her with my family and her cheating on me. The first major problem we had over her not accepting my family ended up with me walking out, and when I returned that night I found her on the floor with a bottle of pills! This scared the bejesus out of me, and since then I've heard she has tried that before. After that I've wanted to leave a few times but the fact she might try and end it all worries me, I couldnt live with that on my consience.

 

Anyway now its really getting to me, I feel realy trapped and need to get out. She currently thinks everything between us is fine and I have now idea how to leave without her doing something stupid.

 

Any advice would be much apprtiated.

[lindya]

The bottle of pills story adds a worrying dimension to this. Very difficult situation when you're considering leaving her. I'd bring a third party into this, if at all possible - via relationship counselling. I'm not suggesting that you can talk yourself back into loving your girlfriend. If the feelings are dead, there's not much anyone can do. What I am suggesting is that you gently let her know that all is not well, and perhaps the two of you should see a counsellor. Could be it would even result in an improvement in your relationship? After all, it's never plain sailing (not that I'm suggesting it has been in the past, in your case - reading between the lines it sounds as if it's been quite messy).

 

You know the situation best. If relationship counselling strikes you as a bad idea then you're going to need to find another solution. Obviously in any relationship the intense feelings of love and lust dwindle over time. This will apply as much with future girlfriends as it does with your current one. The key is, though, that you feel trapped, and you need to figure what it is that's trapping you. Is it that memory of her on the floor with a bottle of pills? Is it your own anxieties? It's all to easy to hold a partner responsible for any feelings of anxiety and suffocation you have, but it's not always fair.

 

You've said that this girl cheated on you in the past and that there have been problems between her and your family. In the middle of crisis situations we tend to focus on how to respond rather than on how we feel. Maybe now that some of the drama's died down, you've got a bit of time to reflect on things that have happened and are feeling a bit less loving as a result?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Passive aggressive threats like that make it very, very difficult to leave. Ideally, you would be able to call her bluff: discuss it with her parents, and they can set her up with the therapeutic help she needs, and should she refuse, have her involuntarily committed to a mental health facility under suicide watch. She would get the help she really needs, and not be given excuses to avoid resolving her true issues.

 

Unfortunately it isn't always that cut-and-dried, but starting with talking to her parents wouldn't be a bad idea. This girl has problems that aren't your responsibility to fix, no matter how hard she tries to pin it on you. There's only so much support you can give an emotional vampire. She needs to be handed over to people who can truly help her work through her issues, and won't enable her behavior.

 

It sounds absolutely brutal, but anything less would enable her behavior and allow it to grow further - sucking anyone around her down with her. You'd be doing her a greater disservice by allowing this to go on.