Do you ever give up on someone you love?

[stan98]

I dont know where to begin but i will start by saying that three weeks ago the love of my life broke up with me, and im wondering when if ever do you give up on someone you love?

 

 

The reason for the break up was entirely due to my selfishness and immaturity which makes it all the worse. I met this girl last January and instantly we connected so well. We hung out literally everyday, she met my parents within two weeks of me meeting her, we were best friends. I deal with very severe anxiety that also goes hand in hand with depression and i have dealt with it for 5 years, usually i am very cautious about who i tell this too but i told her the first time we hung out. I just felt so confident and comfortable around her i cant even explain it, she was so understanding of my problems it made me like her so much more. Over the next few months things got serious but in May i was leaving town for 3 months and got nervous. My previous relationship i was in for 2.5 years ended because of distance and this made me really nervous and i reacted very dumb and just went cold and broke off the relationship. She was so willing to make it work and get through it but i just went so cold and left her out to dry. Let me say this she was ALWAYS on my back about trying to handle my anxiety. Trying to always get me to schedule appointments for therapy and get help for myself and i never listened to her. This was the first time that my anxiety ruined us.

 

 

After a month of no contact, i realized how bad i messed up and we found our way back to each other. It was like i had just met her again and i couldnt get enough of her. I knew at this moment this was the girl i loved, the girl i could never lose again and the girl i wanted for life. Fast forward to December and things until now had gone really well for us. Her life at this point starts to change and so does mine. She is now working 2 jobs, taking 5 classes and is stressed out of her mind. I am having really bad flare ups with my anxiety and depression and not in a good place myself. Im not sure if its due the anxiety, or just being selfish, but when youre having panic attacks constantly and worrying 24/7 youre in a tunnel vision. Its really hard to think anyone has bigger problems than you do and i did that. I thought my problems were way bigger than hers, i didnt pay attention to her nearly enough, i wasnt there for her when she needed me all while i was so stressed and reliant on her that i would run to her with my issues and put more stress on her when she couldnt handle it. I was selfish beyond belief and she had enough of it so she broke it off. She said that her feelings had changed, she could no longer be the person she once was for me and that i was to reliant on her. I panicked and for two weeks straight i begged her to take me back, i begged her for another chance because i was so reliant on her that i thought i cant live without her. Very childish i know, but this break up has humbled me a lot.

 

 

Fast forward to now. Im broken, im crushed, im devastated. I have now seen that the man i was wasnt the man she deserved, wasnt the man my parents raised me to be and wasnt the person i thought i was. I was selfish, immature, not caring, and weak. I have seen that my anxiety ruined this and i started to seek help. I am now seeing a therapist, and i have been prescribed Lexapro that i started. I talked to my ex yesterday and she told me "I care about you so much, i just was the backboard for your problems for so long. I want to be friends with you and in the future i dont know where we could end up. I need space right now and i dont think its healthy to jump back into things the way we were do fast."

 

 

I thought a lot over the last two weeks about if i really miss her, or if i miss having a person around to be there. I literally sat down for an hour and thought about this because while my previous relationship ended after 3 years and i thought i loved her, i realized after that i just loved the thought of her. This girl was different though, so much different. I miss her smile, her voice, her family, her hugs, her smell when shed sleep over. I miss her apartment and how nicely cleaned it always was. She wasnt the skinniest, wasnt the funniest, wasnt the smartest but i loved that about her. I loved that she wasnt perfect, but that she was her. And i couldnt get enough of her. I dont even remotely miss the thought of her, i miss her endlessly though.

 

 

 

So this is where the question comes in, do you give up on someone you love? How can i show her that im trying to change, that i see how badly i screwed things up? She didnt give up on me for so long. I have talked to my parents and they have said to not give up on her. My therapist has told me to not give up on her. My gut is telling me to not give up on her. Am i being naive in thinking i have a future with her? Is it stupid to think that this break up was a blessing in disguise and finally the thing i needed to realize that i need to change myself and things with her will work themselves out? I am in shambles over this and i really needed a place to right in words how im feeling. I just need some advice from yall. Thanks.

[spiderowl]

I think you need to work on the basis that this is over. She reunited with you, despite you dumping her, and again it did not last. It is tiring having to cope with someone else's problems all the time. We all need someone to lean on in times of need and, as you realised, it was a bit one-sided from that point of view. It probably did make her feelings change. Having been in a similar relationship myself, I did reach the point where I felt sorry he had such problems - and I had every sympathy and understanding - but I no longer wanted to be the support. I wanted someone who was capable of supporting me. I did not think he would ever be because, although he was sympathetic and understanding towards me in words, in fact whenever I was down and struggling he suddenly got worse. He needed me to be the strong one. I knew it would never get better for me. That is where I left it and I would not go back because of that.

 

Your ex might be different. It might not have been so extreme for her, I have no way of knowing. I do think that if you hang onto this relationship as if it could return, you will only suffer more. It may do; it may not. It probably won't for a longer time than you would be comfortable with. Decide she is gone and move on. I think it would be best for your inner peace and sanity.

[Simple Logic]

It is over. If you want to keep feeling like a victim and not moving on, you are going to have a miserable life.

[preraph]

You didn't care enough about her to change while you had her. It's unlikely you'll change if she comes back, even if you think you can.

[emmalouise]

I always told my ex I would never give up on him. I told myself that too, but in the end I had to. It's not a case of giving up, sometimes you try so hard that there's no option but to give up, as you only make yourself miserable.

It might be a case of, you need to go off and find yourself and if again, your paths meet, then you try. But you can't automatically go back into the same relationship when you haven't had chance to figure yourself out. You need to understand why you feel your problems are more important than hers and you need to find a way to realise that everyone's problems are just as important. If she gave you another chance, you would more than likely break up again for the same reasons. Concentrate on yourself and maybe approach her in the future. Don't necessarily give up on her but take time for yourself and to work on you. I genuinely believe that if something is meant to be then it will be

[newheart]

Sometimes, it isn't about giving up on someone you love, but taking care of you and not giving up on yourself.