Treated Ex Poorly - Any Hope She'll Be Back?

[hunk]

Hey guys, long time no post - have found myself back here yet again .

 

My girlfriend of 2 years and I broke up about 10 days ago. We had a heated fight, tension had been rising between us for a few weeks and it all culminated in a fight she instigated before bed, in the morning she sat down opposite me and point blank said to me;

"Do you want to break up?"

and I just said "I can't change for you, I'm sorry, so maybe we should" (heat of the moment, i was pissed off and over it, didn't really mean it).

She started freaking out and listing all the things she didn't like about me, I just got mad and walked out the house.

 

We didn't speak for a week, and then she sent me a message asking if I wanted to talk. She called me, I answered the phone in a joking lighthearted manner as if nothing happened and she said "you do know we're broken up right?" I said "yes, if that's what you definitely want" and then she went on to rattle off all the things i'd ever done to upset her. She told me she's never met anyone like me, that she probably never will, that i drive her insane and I'm not the type of boyfriend she wants. She said she wants a doting, loving boyfriend like her friends have. She said I am too unpredictable and don't care about her, and that in 5 years maybe i'd make a good boyfriend.

 

I loved her very much, but i'm not a doting guy. I'm 25 and love women, gym, my hobbies and my career. I'm very outgoing, reckless and loud and social, she is more of an introvert homebody. We complimented eachother very well on a chemistry and personal level and she knows this too. She would jokingly say "you're impossible, if you weren't attractive and so damn weird i would've been gone long ago."

 

She's 22. I was her first ever relationship, took her virginity, essentially her first everything. I'm not the biggest relationship guy and find it hard being monogamous, but I was faithful to her. She never believed me though. She was absolutely obsessed with me, completely head over heels and followed me like a puppy. For the entirety of the relationship she was chasing me and made me the center of her life. I was very aloof and carefree, more focused on my own pursuits and interests most of the time - I never treated her badly or abused her, and I made sure when we were together we had fun and made her feel good in the moment. Our personalities were ridiculously well matched, our relationship was just constant banter, teasing, interesting dates and long in depth conversations.

 

Ultimately I was too unpredictable, too irresponsible and just didn't care enough, in her words. I agreed with all of this mind you. I was focused on having fun and that's it, so I would ignore the signs she was becoming upset with my erratic and irresponsible behavior. I used to be a male escort before i knew her and once she even came across my old craigslist ad without knowing about any of it, for example and i think that hurt her alot.

 

I took her completely for granted and I could feel her resentment building up, but I just assumed she was so obsessed with me that it would all be fine. I'd ditch her to hang out with friends, turn up at her place drunk and climb through her window, pick her up at 4am randomly, had her mum kick me out the house. I would basically just use her place because it was convenient. I would ignore her phone calls for days on end purely because I was more focused on my life. I'd hardly ever return her calls because I just assumed she'd be there when i eventually felt like talking to her. I'd turn down sex with her way too often because I just couldn't be bothered and would rather work on a project and I know this hurt her immensely.

 

She would constantly tell me she was insecure in our relationship, feeling like I could just disappear at a moment, that she didn't feel like I even wanted a girlfriend, that she didn't understand why I was with her etc. I'd just brush this off and try and make her laugh, but these were "comfort tests" and i failed most of them.

 

My behavior began to turn her off me and I could feel it, I just didn't do anything about it. I gave her hardly any comfort. I hardly gave a **** about sex because in my mind i just thought "who cares, I can get sex elsewhere if this falls through", which in turn would've turned her off more and made her feel unwanted. I let it fester. She grew extremely resentful of me, and she said "after you left, I broke down hysterically screaming, but soon I felt a weight lift away from me and it was like a relief".

 

On the phone she begged me to stay friends with her, that she's never been through a breakup and is scared. She proposed coming over to my house occasionally and going out to events with me because she loves me so much but she just can't date me as it was making her too miserable. She was at the point of begging me to remain friends and started getting hysterical when I said it wasn't the best idea.

 

I told her "I love you. Let's do our own thing, maybe in the future we will talk" and she said "yes I agree, I just don't want to be cut out of your life".

 

She told me she felt like I was just using her for sex and a place to stay and was only concerned with having fun and didn't care about the future or her. I told her that wasn't the case but I understood why she felt that way.

 

I felt like garbage, as I didn't think she was this upset. I felt like I should've said more in an attempt to get her back, but I know enough now to know that this is what she wanted. She feels good now that I'm out of her life, telling her I would change is too little too late and I understand that. She is surrounded by a support system who is telling her I'm garbage, she deserves better etc. I just have to accept that she doesn't want me in her life, and I have and will give her all the space in the world.

 

I don't want a friendship with her, I want her back in a romantic context. She made me very happy. I messed up and I know that. I won't be initiating contact. The fundamental connection we had was very, very special (it was just pure core personality compatibility and sexual chemistry), but I was slack on the boyfriend side of things and just couldn't fulfill her ideas about what a relationship and boyfriend should be. I understand no matter how much you love someone, being treated like you're unimportant will eventually erode your feelings for them. I respect that and understand it.

 

Anyway, I'd like to hear your thoughts. Does anyone think she'll contact me again? Before you question whether or not I actually want this girl in my life, I promise you I do, and it isn't because I've lost her. She is objectively a compliment to my life, especially where I'm at now, and if I'd seen her as that rather than just an "always available" toy that I never had to worry about and take completely for granted, so to speak, our relationship could have been incredibly strong.

 

Cheers guys

[Risha7]

Hey guys, long time no post - have found myself back here yet again .

 

My girlfriend of 2 years and I broke up about 10 days ago. We had a heated fight, tension had been rising between us for a few weeks and it all culminated in a fight she instigated before bed, in the morning she sat down opposite me and point blank said to me;

"Do you want to break up?"

and I just said "I can't change for you, I'm sorry, so maybe we should" (heat of the moment, i was pissed off and over it, didn't really mean it).

She started freaking out and listing all the things she didn't like about me, I just got mad and walked out the house.

 

We didn't speak for a week, and then she sent me a message asking if I wanted to talk. She called me, I answered the phone in a joking lighthearted manner as if nothing happened and she said "you do know we're broken up right?" I said "yes, if that's what you definitely want" and then she went on to rattle off all the things i'd ever done to upset her. She told me she's never met anyone like me, that she probably never will, that i drive her insane and I'm not the type of boyfriend she wants. She said she wants a doting, loving boyfriend like her friends have. She said I am too unpredictable and don't care about her, and that in 5 years maybe i'd make a good boyfriend.

 

I loved her very much, but i'm not a doting guy. I'm 25 and love women, gym, my hobbies and my career. I'm very outgoing, reckless and loud and social, she is more of an introvert homebody. We complimented eachother very well on a chemistry and personal level and she knows this too. She would jokingly say "you're impossible, if you weren't attractive and so damn weird i would've been gone long ago."

 

She's 22. I was her first ever relationship, took her virginity, essentially her first everything. I'm not the biggest relationship guy and find it hard being monogamous, but I was faithful to her. She never believed me though. She was absolutely obsessed with me, completely head over heels and followed me like a puppy. For the entirety of the relationship she was chasing me and made me the center of her life. I was very aloof and carefree, more focused on my own pursuits and interests most of the time - I never treated her badly or abused her, and I made sure when we were together we had fun and made her feel good in the moment. Our personalities were ridiculously well matched, our relationship was just constant banter, teasing, interesting dates and long in depth conversations.

 

Ultimately I was too unpredictable, too irresponsible and just didn't care enough, in her words. I agreed with all of this mind you. I was focused on having fun and that's it, so I would ignore the signs she was becoming upset with my erratic and irresponsible behavior. I used to be a male escort before i knew her and once she even came across my old craigslist ad without knowing about any of it, for example and i think that hurt her alot.

 

I took her completely for granted and I could feel her resentment building up, but I just assumed she was so obsessed with me that it would all be fine. I'd ditch her to hang out with friends, turn up at her place drunk and climb through her window, pick her up at 4am randomly, had her mum kick me out the house. I would basically just use her place because it was convenient. I would ignore her phone calls for days on end purely because I was more focused on my life. I'd hardly ever return her calls because I just assumed she'd be there when i eventually felt like talking to her. I'd turn down sex with her way too often because I just couldn't be bothered and would rather work on a project and I know this hurt her immensely.

 

She would constantly tell me she was insecure in our relationship, feeling like I could just disappear at a moment, that she didn't feel like I even wanted a girlfriend, that she didn't understand why I was with her etc. I'd just brush this off and try and make her laugh, but these were "comfort tests" and i failed most of them.

 

My behavior began to turn her off me and I could feel it, I just didn't do anything about it. I gave her hardly any comfort. I hardly gave a **** about sex because in my mind i just thought "who cares, I can get sex elsewhere if this falls through", which in turn would've turned her off more and made her feel unwanted. I let it fester. She grew extremely resentful of me, and she said "after you left, I broke down hysterically screaming, but soon I felt a weight lift away from me and it was like a relief".

 

On the phone she begged me to stay friends with her, that she's never been through a breakup and is scared. She proposed coming over to my house occasionally and going out to events with me because she loves me so much but she just can't date me as it was making her too miserable. She was at the point of begging me to remain friends and started getting hysterical when I said it wasn't the best idea.

 

I told her "I love you. Let's do our own thing, maybe in the future we will talk" and she said "yes I agree, I just don't want to be cut out of your life".

 

She told me she felt like I was just using her for sex and a place to stay and was only concerned with having fun and didn't care about the future or her. I told her that wasn't the case but I understood why she felt that way.

 

I felt like garbage, as I didn't think she was this upset. I felt like I should've said more in an attempt to get her back, but I know enough now to know that this is what she wanted. She feels good now that I'm out of her life, telling her I would change is too little too late and I understand that. She is surrounded by a support system who is telling her I'm garbage, she deserves better etc. I just have to accept that she doesn't want me in her life, and I have and will give her all the space in the world.

 

I don't want a friendship with her, I want her back in a romantic context. She made me very happy. I messed up and I know that. I won't be initiating contact. The fundamental connection we had was very, very special (it was just pure core personality compatibility and sexual chemistry), but I was slack on the boyfriend side of things and just couldn't fulfill her ideas about what a relationship and boyfriend should be. I understand no matter how much you love someone, being treated like you're unimportant will eventually erode your feelings for them. I respect that and understand it.

 

Anyway, I'd like to hear your thoughts. Does anyone think she'll contact me again? Before you question whether or not I actually want this girl in my life, I promise you I do, and it isn't because I've lost her. She is objectively a compliment to my life, especially where I'm at now, and if I'd seen her as that rather than just an "always available" toy that I never had to worry about and take completely for granted, so to speak, our relationship could have been incredibly strong.

 

Cheers guys

 

Hi hunk , you did exactly what my bf did to me,last week he told me he found someone new just to avoid me . he is so much concern bout his freedom and needs now and doesnt care bout me(how it seems from his text) he always told me that he is happy with me and loved me so much and no one can love him like i did but im surprised now he just left, we broke up over text and said never disturb me.we lost virginity together,i was his first and last till now but dunno till when.since you messed up i suggest you to talk to ur gf and try to win her trust n love back if u really want her if not she is going to assume that you never cared and maybe doing things to move on right now like how im forcing myself haha ! i hope one day my ex will realize like you did and come back...good luck

[Altair0770]

If she has a strong support system I'd say no. To be brutally honest, it does seem like she can do better. You may not have seen her as an object in your eyes, but it seems you treated her as one. No one deserves that. I'm in the same boat as her except my ex doesn't want me back, and I can move on knowing her decision to break up with me was the best decision for me and likely the worst for her.

 

The second she starts getting the hots for someone else that won't take her for granted, she will realize she doesn't need you in her life. Sorry to say, but as I've said here before, a relationship isn't about what you can take from it. It's about what you can give into it. It seems to me you took too much and didn't really care much about what she wanted in the relationship.

 

Will she come back? Maybe. Should she? By your story I'd say no.

[hunk]

Thanks for your honesty. Yes she has a strong support system, her friends never liked me (her best friend however used to flirt and message me relentlessly) despite me liking them, and always thought I was cheating on her (completely false). She does deserve better than what I was giving her, however I gave her a lot of fun and she was deeply attracted to me which is the only reason this lasted so long. Sadly I behaved exactly the same way in my last relationship, I was dumped and then she came back to me a few months later. Perhaps something is wrong with me in that monogamy just isn't for me. Hopefully this isn't the case because I don't want to just have meaningless sex for the rest of my life.

[Altair0770]

You're still young with a lot of growing to do. Best not to worry about it. Unfortunately female friends of an ex girlfriend can be a pain and like to make up crap. What they don't realize is that's sometimes salt in the wound.

[d0nnivain]

You fully admit that she acted more into you then you did & you failed to give her the attention she craved. You also said you are unwilling to change.

 

 

Basically you want this woman to come back to a situation that wasn't working for her in the first place. For her sake, I hope she doesn't come back.

 

 

Her line about wanting to stay friends was born out of naivety. She doesn't know what she is saying. She just finds it unfathomable that the man she lost her virginity to will be gone from her life.

 

 

If you genuinely want her back, you have to change. You have to be committed to her & the relationship. No blowing her off. She has to come before your buddies, sports etc. You have to stop showing up at 4 a.m. drunk & you have to become the attentive BF she wants. If you are unwilling to do those things leave her alone.

[hunk]

Thank you donnivain, I've always respected your posts.

 

I've come to the conclusion this girl deserves better than me and that I can't give her the relationship she wants. I know this about myself. When I posted this I was a bit rattled after re-reading a few of our texts, but i'm in a proper headspace now. I'm going to let her go and let her be with someone who can treat her properly. I cannot change myself for her and it's unfair. I'm in a stage of my life where I need to be creating the life I need for myself and I can't be distracted. I also know that I could never be back with her if she were to sleep with someone else, and I know that's extremely likely to happen if it hasn't already.

 

I will let her go and that's hard because we shared so many fun and positive memories and I was a huge milestone in her life, but I can't be in a serious relationship with her. I won't be contacting her ever again and will allow her to properly move on.

 

Thanks for your input.

[d0nnivain]

Thank you. I'm glad you're taking the long view.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, maybe you really just aren't ready for a relationship.

 

I get that you liked her on some level, but I don't think this was love for you. I have been in her shoes, and I can tell you that "giving her fun" just isn't enough in light of the dismissive and disrespectful way you generally treated her.

 

For this reason, I think you would be best to stay single for a while until you feel more settled in your own life. You are too busy or too unwilling right now to make room for another person. You're only 25. You've got plenty of time to run around and have your fun before settling down.

 

Even if she does come back, which I don't think is very likely, you might want to reconsider if this is right for you. It doesn't appear it is.

[hunk]

Hey ExPat, yep you're right. The same pattern is recurring in all of my relationships recently. For whatever reason, I cannot invest myself and can't seem to make myself care about what's going on outside of my immediate personal life. When i'm in a relationship I want to be single and I feel trapped and stifled which is just unfair to the girls I am with.

 

This year is going to be about getting my life headed in the direction it needs to be so I can have a life and business i'm proud of instead of wasting time in comfortable relationships that are holding me back and I ultimately don't care about.

 

I'm actually in the process of starting a side coaching/personal training and mentoring business for men with my psych degree and how to deal with breakups and hooking up etc. Have become some what of a professional in terms of dealing with breakups at this point. Of course I will be steering well away from any advice regarding maintaining long term relationships. Ha.

 

Out of curiosity, did you ever consider going back to the guy who treated you poorly or did he ever apologize and reach out to you? Or did you have a smooth breakup with no hard feelings and just permanent NC?

 

The last girl I did this with came back to me and it was very difficult because she wanted me back and we basically resumed our relationship but again I couldn't make myself care, even after thinking I wanted it so badly. Pretty twisted.

Edited March 13, 2017 by hunk

[ExpatInItaly]

My ex apologized a few months after the break-up and asked to reconcile, but I had already moved on. Even if I hadn't met someone else, I can't see myself having returned to him. I felt a lot of resentment towards him and it killed most of the attraction I'd felt before. It just didn't appeal to me anymore, which is why I broke it off. I had lost interest in always being an after-thought, and had subsequently lost interest in him in general.

 

If this is a pattern, you might find it enlightening to read up on Attachment Theory. Broadly speaking, it assumes that adults fall into one of the three categories based on their attachment style in relationships: Anxious, Secure and Avoidant. "Avoidantly attached" people often display similar traits to you - the desire to run when in a relationship, distant or dismissive behaviour with a partner, the feeling of being trapped when a relationship gets more serious, and so on. There are some complex psychological nuances to this, and it's not a one-size-fits-all assessment, but you could find it interesting to read about others like you and what guides this behaviour.

 

Now, you may just be a young guy who isn't ready for commitment. It is entirely possible you will be feel more eager to commit when you're a bit older. I'm nearly 36 now, but I knew plenty of guys when I was your age who also weren't really looking for anything serious. Most of them are indeed settled now, many with wives and kids. Don't assume just yet that this will be some lifelong issues. Time and age are critical factors too.

 

It's a good sign that you're at least acknowledging your behaviour and expressing a desire to change. But while you unpack what's behind this, I would stay away from relationships so the cycle doesn't repeat itself.

[hunk]

I'd say I'd probably fall into the avoidant-attachment style. I have had alot of girlfriends and have never felt the overwhelming ... i don't know how to say ... dependency? on another person that seems to allow people to go out of their way to do things for their partner, dote on them etc. I just have a mindset of "this is fun, I only want it to be fun, when it stops being fun I'll just find another girl", and then the nagging and constant testing starts, I get bored, start wanting to sleep with other people and just sabotage the relationship and let it turn to ****. Every single time.

 

It's not so much i'm afraid of committing to someone, it's more I just can't be bothered and would rather sleep with whoever I want with no strings attached, like having multiple casual relationships where I get the company and sex I need without the commitment. I love women and I love being close with them but I just don't care for anything other than good times like sex and company.

 

I'm in very good shape and am physically attractive and extremely easy to get along with/a people person, so every time I promise monogamy I just feel like I'm caging myself.

 

Interesting how these break ups lead to such introspection, but it's a daunting feeling knowing that these are traits fundamental to my personality and if they ever change (i settle down with one woman) it's because something external in my life has made me do it (neediness, looks fade, purely not wanting to be alone etc).

 

uuughh

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'd say I'd probably fall into the avoidant-attachment style. I have had alot of girlfriends and have never felt the overwhelming ... i don't know how to say ... dependency? on another person that seems to allow people to go out of their way to do things for their partner, dote on them etc. I just have a mindset of "this is fun, I only want it to be fun, when it stops being fun I'll just find another girl", and then the nagging and constant testing starts, I get bored, start wanting to sleep with other people and just sabotage the relationship and let it turn to ****. Every single time.

 

It's not so much i'm afraid of committing to someone, it's more I just can't be bothered and would rather sleep with whoever I want with no strings attached, like having multiple casual relationships where I get the company and sex I need without the commitment. I love women and I love being close with them but I just don't care for anything other than good times like sex and company.

 

I'm in very good shape and am physically attractive and extremely easy to get along with/a people person, so every time I promise monogamy I just feel like I'm caging myself.

 

Interesting how these break ups lead to such introspection, but it's a daunting feeling knowing that these are traits fundamental to my personality and if they ever change (i settle down with one woman) it's because something external in my life has made me do it (neediness, looks fade, purely not wanting to be alone etc).

 

uuughh

 

It's pretty much like this for most people. They just don't like admitting it to others or even themselves