What does he want?

[November78]

I have told myself countless times that I need to let it go but yesterday, when I saw him again, the pain came back again, fresh and deep.

 

It has been 6 months since last time we were together. It is not long enough to forget it, but it’s not too short either.

 

We were together for a year. He and I are working in the same company. We shared many things together, we let each other into our own lives too deep that now, everywhere I go, everything I do, I see him. I wasn’t aware that I have these strong feelings for him when we were in the relationship. I disrespected him, I hurt him so much when we were together. I used my own frame of reference to judge him on what he did and what he said. I wanted him to be better but I said thing so straight forward that made him feel not self-worthy. I gave myself the right to torture him with silent treatment, with disrespect because deep down I believed that he loved me and deliberately hurt him when I was upset.

 

He treated me like princess in our relationship. He was afraid of upsetting me. He did many things just to make me feel safe and happy. He spent time and effort to plan our road trip together. He bought the bike rack although I asked him not to just so all of us could go biking somewhere not near home. Gosh! I miss his smile, I miss the way he looked at me and smiled. His hazel eyes were smiling as well. I missed he kept offering to carry my groceries so I could free one of my hand so he could hold it. I missed he jokingly showed me the long face when he couldn’t sit next to me or when he rearranged the seats with the kids so he could sit next to me.

 

Sometimes I feel so angry at him. I just don’t understand why he treated our relationship like the way he did. I know I have made mistake to drive him away, to make him put up his guard so that I wouldnt hurt him so much. But I wish he could tell me in person all of that. I wish he could just look at me and say that what I was doing hurting him so much, that if it kept happening then we couldn’t be together. I wish him just tell me all of those in person. So that I could realise that he meant all of what he said and I was actually taking him for granted- abusing him emotionally.

 

He did say all but through text. I didn’t understand the seriousness of what he said. I felt hurt now that I have hurt him so much.

 

The last time we fought, I said “F” word ( I have never before)- all through text. We didn’t talk for a month. He thought that we broke up and I walked away from him. I thought that it was a big fight- that we wouldn’t break up. Who would break up through text after all those time together? Or the relationship didn’t mean that much to him?

 

After the “breakup”, I have tried to talk to him sometimes to get back but he refused. He has a rule that he will never get back with the old flame. He told this to me many times when we were together as I challenged his friendship with ex-girlfriend. (They dated for one year but now they are close friend- seeing almost very weeks as their kids have the same swimming class).

 

I couldn’t go further than that, I don’t want to beg. If we don’t mean for each other, no point begging and dragging. I tried to stay friend with him but each time I tried, it hurt. I couldn’t drag that negative feelings for any longer.

 

I really don’t know what he thinks or what he expects. I have the feelings that he is still attracted to me. He’s trying to find the reasons just to see me or just have a glimpse of me. He lightened up when he saw me. He tried to say hello cheerfully although I pretended not to see him. He texted me to say that finally he could see my face instead of the back of my head. He asked how my holiday trip was… To me, friends just don’t do that at all.

 

What does he want?

 

I have told him that I couldn’t be friend with him as I couldn’t help having negative feelings (painful feelings of course). He said that’s the best way. But after that, he emailed me to ask about work stuffs. I helped him. But there are people he could ask, why did he asked me? Why didn’t he just not contact me? If he doesn’t want to get back with me then why doesn’t him just let it go, not contacting me. It’s easier that way to forget about me?

 

Yesterday when we saw each other, we didn’t say anything than “hi”. It stirred me up and I guessed it did the same to him. He did look like he’s sad.

 

I told myself to move on but I still need time. It’s still painful to think about this.

[spiderowl]

You need to tell him you and he cannot stay friends because you still have strong feelings for him. Tell him you did not realise how you were hurting him and that you regret doing so. Apologise for hurting him. At least he will know you are still attached to him so if he wants to get back with you, he could try. There is no point doing more though. It would have to be up to him from then on because the more you chase, the more he can sit back and wait. I can't see what else you can do if he finished it.

 

If he does not want to try again, maybe you should go no contact. It is less painful than having feelings stirred up all the time with no hope of resolving them.

Edited March 4, 2017 by spiderowl

[November78]

Thanks for your advice Spiderolw.

 

I did all of those things. I cant do anything more. I understand that.

 

I believe in destiny/fate. If we belong to each other, we will find our ways to each other. If we dont, no point dragging all of these for any longer. For now, I dont chase and almost go no contact (only work stuffs).

 

Actually, I told myself that all the time The problem is that sometimes it's hard as I miss him so much. I think of him everyday. I still need more time, much longer time