How to get over

[kimgrauza]

It's going to be quite a long story, so better ready yourself... Alright, so where to start.. Lets begin with a fact, that i have never talked about this with anyone else. 4 years ago i fall in love with a girl, lets call her, Luisa. She lived just next to my house. I was 19, and i haven't been in love with anyone else, and i mean it, she was the first girl i ever kissed and the only one i have loved. We did everything together, travels, journeys, parties - i even left all of my friends for her and never went with them anywhere since our relationship started. She was from a poor family, her dad left her, and mom was.. alcoholic. I bought her everything, even tho i'm not even rich myself, computers, phone, clothes, presents, it wasn't just for the show, i wanted her to have everything for her to be happy and to feel loved. Everything was perfect for 2 and a half year, oh, by the way i have to mention something important - during those two years we hadn't had sex - she was okey with oral and so on, but she told me to wait till she felt ready. So I did. She was my first girl. After those two and a half year, i began to study in capital city, but there wasn't a single weekend that i wouldn't come back - we talked in mornings, during her breaks between lessons and so on. She was basically the only person i've talked to. But as time passed, capital did something to me - everyone around was having sex and so on, and i felt really... sad. That "sad" feeling began to destroy every good thought about our relationship, i felt really depressed as i was 21 years old and never had "real" sex before. I couldn't understand that sex wasn't most important thing of relationship. And one day i decided to leave her, i came back from capital city, and told her that i've cheated on her - i dont know why, but i've looked in her eyes and just lied to see how she reacts. She started to cry, told me that she never wants to see me again. I got really, really drunk. Same night she kissed with a lot of my friends, to be precise 10+ and slept with one guy. Same night, drunk as hell, i went next to her house and cried for two hours straight, wanting to go and tell her that all of that was just a lie. 4 days after our break up were worst days of my live, i just wanted to die somewhere in a corner. Somehow, i bought her a lot of flowers, came back from capital city in middle of the week, told her about my lie, told her it was only because of sex, and pretty soon we started having sex. It was great. But just before her birthday, which was half a year after our first break up, i've noticed that she started to act weird - she didn't messege me quite often as she used. Less calls, less attention - i knew something was wrong. Both of us had each others facebook, snapchat, instagram - you name it. But I trusted her completly and never really checked anything. Somehow this "bad" feeling started to annoy me, and i've checked her instagram - she sent her nudes, and receives nudes as well from the same guy which she slept half year ago. I was devastated, i wanted to stop my studies, i wanted only to die. I've called her everyday, asking if we could atleast try. She said no. Two weeks after that were horrible, i've lost a lot of weight, i couldnt eat, i wouldn't study, all i did was cry and sleep. I dont know if she felt guilty, but almost month passed and we got back together. But it wasn't the same. She tried, she really did. And so did I. But sex got boring, all i could see during sex were the naked images of that guy, and her.. I didn't talk about it, and thought that feeling would just pass away. But it didn't. It only got worse and worse everyday. I spent whole summer with her together - just her and me, rarely any friends. And once i've had to get back to my studies in autumn, i felt like i didn't love her, and we broke up again. This time for few weeks. She even managed to find a guy to replace me, she said she really liked him. But once i lost her, the same circle reapperead - i felt huge depression and couldn't image my life without her. We got back together. It was just a month and a bit till new year and i've said it would be nice to plan a party or something. We've decided to invite all of our friends to new years eve. So i did. A lot of my friends, including my room mates, came to new year's party. Before i continue, i have to mention that one of my room mate in dorm became my best friend. We used to play, talk, laugh everyday. There were so many similarities between us, i thought we had a soul connection. So here's the thing. Once we most of people arrived to new years eve, she looked at me and asked "would it be alright, if during this party, you could kiss other girls, and i could kiss other guys without being angry at each other?". I was stunned, but i said "whatever you wish". Few hours later i saw her kissing my room mate. And few random guys. And my other friends. I was shattered and got drunk as ****. I can still remember as i saw her change her panties every few hours. I couldn't think straight, but didn't want to ruin party for everyone so i just kept to myself. Next morning i took few of my friends and just drove home without taking her with me or even talking with her. Once i talked with my friends, everyone told me and she cheated on me with my room mate - the one that was my best friend. At first i didn't believe. Next day i came to her house, we talked about it, all she said was, that she didnt do anything, and told me not to think about these stupid stories. I told her that i was sorry that i've doubted her and told her that i wanted to go to sleep. But i didnt. I logged on her facebook, and saw how she talked with my bff room mate that sex with him was great. I got insanely mad, took all her things, all her presents, destroyed, shattered, smashed all of her presents into little pieces, got drunk with her step father (dont ask, he doesn't like her. A lot), stole my own car from my mother (she saw i was in hysteria), and took few of my closest friends and went to Capital city. She followed. That night she invited my room mate to hotel, had sex for 8 hours. She cheated on me again just to destroy anything that was left of me. I didn't knew this, but after few weeks, as she was drunk, she admited that she cheated on me with my best friend, the room mate guy. I thought i was going crazy. Honestly, i wanted to kill him, not just in any way, but trust me - the thoughts the very, very dark and sick. Somehow i've decided it's best to let it go and told him to leave my room. So he did. Now, after more than a month passed after new years eve, my room mate feels horrible for what he did, he offers me free food, everything, and he was the guy which opposed drugs. Now he smokes weed every single day. Even buys me some, for free. But here's the point. Once i stole my own car, drunk as ****, i took few of my friends, drove to some city and smoked pot all day. I've never did it before. I've wasted all of my january smoking weed. All of it. And that's not all, now i've took more than 10 extazy pills in one month. Just a single month. Not just anywhere, but in clubs, you can image the type of "those" clubs. I've even started smoking. I will repeat myself - i was the guy who said that cigarettes are horrible, and any kind of drug, weed including is something horrible. I've been going to gym more than 7 years. Now it's all collapsing. And the worst thing is, everyday i wake up in tears. My mood is going crazy. At one moment i'm really happy, and then just few seconds passes and i feel like garbage. To mention, after new year's eve i've become quite confident and had sex with 4 random girls just in a few weeks. But it didnt help, it didn't even feel close to what i've had with Luisa. Everyone tells me, that I'm smart, good looking, and there's nothing to worry about, that i can have any girl i want. But problem is - i dont even want to try anything with any other girl. I know it's only been two months and i need time to heal, and i even told her that we will never again be together, but i check her profile daily. We dont talk, chat or anything, but i just check her facebook, instagram so on. She found a guy, and says she's really happy with him, tho it's only been two weeks since their "relationship". I truly wish her only happiness, nothing else, but i cant defeat feeling that no matter what kind of girl i'll find, either ill get cheated on again, or i'll destroy that new love myself. I know there's no way im ever getting back with her, but still something deep inside me keeps bugging me everyday. I dont feel the same as i used to. Sometimes it feels like there's some other person inside of me. Sometimes it feels like im going insane. Sometimes i just want to drop everything - university, my friends, my mother and just fly to some other country, as i always wished, and start again. I'm completly lost. Tho i have to give drugs, as ironically it sounds, a credit - the old me would have done something to himself, even suicide. Now those thoughts have perished, and i understand that i can't change my past, and i should only focus on the future. But that future seems worthless of doing anything. How to find will to keep moving? I've became really communitive, found a lot of friends, and while i'm with them it's all alright, i dont feel a single negative thing. But the problem is - once i'm alone, those dark, twisted thoughts come haunting me, and i just start crying. I've always thought high of me, that i'm a "strong" person, that i would never ever use drugs, never smoke, but now i've changed. And i've afraid of whats to come. I feel like i've told just half a story, but i hope you can get the idea of what i feel. It's my first post ever anywhere, i'll appreciate any ideas or thoughts you have.

[CollegeKid101]

I actually can't tell if this is a joke or not...

 

Here's my advice:

 

Break up your block of text next time into paragraphs that are legible.

 

Move on and never talk to this girl again. I also don't think you love her whatsoever if you were cool with her making out/sleeping with other guys at your own party...that doesn't even make sense. Changing her panties every hour? Okay, forgot about that part. This actually is a joke.

[kimgrauza]

I actually can't tell if this is a joke or not...

 

Here's my advice:

 

Break up your block of text next time into paragraphs that are legible.

 

Move on and never talk to this girl again. I also don't think you love her whatsoever if you were cool with her making out/sleeping with other guys at your own party...that doesn't even make sense. Changing her panties every hour? Okay, forgot about that part. This actually is a joke.

My life's a joke