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Blossoming relationship blew up


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I'll try to be brief.

 

A friend dated this girl and after they broke up, she came onto me and I politely declined as I wanted to be a loyal friend and do the right thing. A few months later he started dating someone else after the two hooked up after the breakup and let it all go. This girl then stepped up more towards me and suddenly confessed her feelings for me after getting drunk one night with a bunch of our friends. I told her I felt the same way, but that we still had to give the mutual friend space to heal and that to be patient. She was adamant that we have sex that night though and I declined because I was and am still saving myself for a good connection first.

 

So fast forward from last winter to now and we started spending more time together, and discussing many relationship issues in depth as I wanted to get a better picture of her personality. We had dinner every Sunday with another couple who are friends and I taught her a lot. In January I brought up sex to her and told her that I was ready to give that part of myself to her and she was happy. But she then said that I didn't have to let her down gently and I told her that wasn't the case as we'd talked about many times in the past, I don't even kiss people that I don't know/respect.

 

Near the end of January I found out about my parents relationship exploding and cheating involved. It devastated me and my siblings and I kind of shut down. This is something I do when stressed or angry as I worry about lashing out, and it's a flaw of mine that I try to work on. This girl and I went out with some others for drinks and she seemed a bit sad, I asked her what was wrong and she told me that my quietness was bothering her. I immediately felt bad and told her the reason and tried to comfort her. We left together holding hands and I drove her home since she was drunk(She's borderline alcoholic but I still cared for her). That night she kissed me goodbye as she often did and told me that she'd rather be with me than some random from a bar.

 

She texted me a few times the next couple weeks(Into February now) checking up on me and I responded by telling her I was fine(Even though I wasn't but didn't want to drag her down). Then on Valentines day I went to make it official and she told me that she was on a date. I didn't sweat it as a dates a date and figured she must have just been lonely. Then a friend called me to let me know that she'd been seeing this guy for about two weeks and that they'd met in a bar. My heart sank and I was a nervous wreck. She didn't say anything to me the entire week when we saw each other and finally I asked if we could talk. We went to her place and I asked what happened and she told me that I hadn't spoken to her the past 2/3 weeks much and so she moved on. Just like that. I was heartbroken and asked her if she didn't remember our conversation just one week before that and why she told me what she did.

 

Our conversation quickly turned to crying between us both and I straight up asked her to choose him or me. She told me that the new guy was putting in a "lot of effort" and I couldn't find anything to say. I asked her how a guy she'd been seeing for under two weeks, had been putting in more effort than a guy she'd known for 2 years, and been working with to building a strong relationship with the past four months. In the end I just accepted it as I realized there was no point in trying to convince her, that she'd already made her decision and didn't even bother to tell me. Someone she constantly claimed to care about and want to be in a realtionship with, wasn't even worth the time to say she was going to start seeing someone else or ask if we were going to be anything.

 

And that's the crux of the problem, so many times she told me how she was a "serial dater" and it gave me cold feet right off the bat. She slept around after her and her bf broke up, and I didn't care because we weren't officially a couple; and I wanted her to get it out of her system. On Wednesday we had a big fight over the phone and I told her how she'd broken my trust and she told me that she couldn't even remember me ever saying I wanted to be with her, because she had been drunk at the time. I was angry, felt like an idiot and insulted her emotional capacity and said her words held no value.

 

Then on Saturday I saw her outside of our work as I was leaving(We work together) and I just felt compelled to hug her. We hugged each other tightly a few times and said nothing. Then when I went to leave, she told me that we'd talk later and I agreed. I ashamedly spent the entire night waiting for her to phone or call, but later heard that she went to the bar where that guy works when she was done. I didn't know what we could have even talked about, but I felt that she once again failed to live up to her words. I also found out through mutual friends that she actually started seeing that guy in January and it made me feel even grosser knowing that she'd kissed me, told me she wanted me than a random from a bar; because it all clicked together.

 

This girl also has a roomie and a best friend since they were kids, who dated one of my friends as well. And this Sunday they all went to a party, and her roommate dumped my friend in front of everyone after she too got drunk. ANd you know, I tried to talk to her about her drinking problem but she never refused to accept it and just wanted to party. I'm starting a business and working fulltime, but I wanted to think that I would rub off on her and she'd come along. Now I realize that that girl and her roommate just want to have fun and aren't ready for anything serious. I'm over that. My friend is destroyed and we're trying to keep him company best we can. But I am so disappointed. I don't get it. And worst of all, I feel that my ****up in not talking to her much for those 3 weeks she keeps claiming(It was honestly two, but still my ****up) is just a lame excuse she used to get out of dating me because she wanted her fun.

 

I've already accepted that I made a big mistake in not communicating enough in February. But I talked to this girl so much and went over my flaws, strengths and hopes. I thought she knew and understood me as I did her, I never judged her for he faults. And one mistake by me was all it took? How do I recover from this? I told her on Monday after she still didn't respond to me to just have a good life and that wished her well with the new boyfriend.

Edited by Olivesn
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I'll try to be brief.

 

A friend dated this girl and after they broke up, she came onto me and I politely declined as I wanted to be a loyal friend and do the right thing. A few months later he started dating someone else after the two hooked up after the breakup and let it all go. This girl then stepped up more towards me and suddenly confessed her feelings for me after getting drunk one night with a bunch of our friends. I told her I felt the same way, but that we still had to give the mutual friend space to heal and that to be patient. She was adamant that we have sex that night though and I declined because I was and am still saving myself for a good connection first.

 

So fast forward from last winter to now and we started spending more time together, and discussing many relationship issues in depth as I wanted to get a better picture of her personality. We had dinner every Sunday with another couple who are friends and I taught her a lot. In January I brought up sex to her and told her that I was ready to give that part of myself to her and she was happy. But she then said that I didn't have to let her down gently and I told her that wasn't the case as we'd talked about many times in the past, I don't even kiss people that I don't know/respect.

 

Near the end of January I found out about my parents relationship exploding and cheating involved. It devastated me and my siblings and I kind of shut down. This is something I do when stressed or angry as I worry about lashing out, and it's a flaw of mine that I try to work on. This girl and I went out with some others for drinks and she seemed a bit sad, I asked her what was wrong and she told me that my quietness was bothering her. I immediately felt bad and told her the reason and tried to comfort her. We left together holding hands and I drove her home since she was drunk(She's borderline alcoholic but I still cared for her). That night she kissed me goodbye as she often did and told me that she'd rather be with me than some random from a bar.

 

She texted me a few times the next couple weeks(Into February now) checking up on me and I responded by telling her I was fine(Even though I wasn't but didn't want to drag her down). Then on Valentines day I went to make it official and she told me that she was on a date. I didn't sweat it as a dates a date and figured she must have just been lonely. Then a friend called me to let me know that she'd been seeing this guy for about two weeks and that they'd met in a bar. My heart sank and I was a nervous wreck. She didn't say anything to me the entire week when we saw each other and finally I asked if we could talk. We went to her place and I asked what happened and she told me that I hadn't spoken to her the past 2/3 weeks much and so she moved on. Just like that. I was heartbroken and asked her if she didn't remember our conversation just one week before that and why she told me what she did.

 

Our conversation quickly turned to crying between us both and I straight up asked her to choose him or me. She told me that the new guy was putting in a "lot of effort" and I couldn't find anything to say. I asked her how a guy she'd been seeing for under two weeks, had been putting in more effort than a guy she'd known for 2 years, and been working with to building a strong relationship with the past four months. In the end I just accepted it as I realized there was no point in trying to convince her, that she'd already made her decision and didn't even bother to tell me. Someone she constantly claimed to care about and want to be in a realtionship with, wasn't even worth the time to say she was going to start seeing someone else or ask if we were going to be anything.

 

And that's the crux of the problem, so many times she told me how she was a "serial dater" and it gave me cold feet right off the bat. She slept around after her and her bf broke up, and I didn't care because we weren't officially a couple; and I wanted her to get it out of her system. On Wednesday we had a big fight over the phone and I told her how she'd broken my trust and she told me that she couldn't even remember me ever saying I wanted to be with her, because she had been drunk at the time. I was angry, felt like an idiot and insulted her emotional capacity and said her words held no value.

 

Then on Saturday I saw her outside of our work as I was leaving(We work together) and I just felt compelled to hug her. We hugged each other tightly a few times and said nothing. Then when I went to leave, she told me that we'd talk later and I agreed. I ashamedly spent the entire night waiting for her to phone or call, but later heard that she went to the bar where that guy works when she was done. I didn't know what we could have even talked about, but I felt that she once again failed to live up to her words. I also found out through mutual friends that she actually started seeing that guy in January and it made me feel even grosser knowing that she'd kissed me, told me she wanted me than a random from a bar; because it all clicked together.

 

This girl also has a roomie and a best friend since they were kids, who dated one of my friends as well. And this Sunday they all went to a party, and her roommate dumped my friend in front of everyone after she too got drunk. ANd you know, I tried to talk to her about her drinking problem but she never refused to accept it and just wanted to party. I'm starting a business and working fulltime, but I wanted to think that I would rub off on her and she'd come along. Now I realize that that girl and her roommate just want to have fun and aren't ready for anything serious. I'm over that. My friend is destroyed and we're trying to keep him company best we can. But I am so disappointed. I don't get it. And worst of all, I feel that my ****up in not talking to her much for those 3 weeks she keeps claiming(It was honestly two, but still my ****up) is just a lame excuse she used to get out of dating me because she wanted her fun.

 

I've already accepted that I made a big mistake in not communicating enough in February. But I talked to this girl so much and went over my flaws, strengths and hopes. I thought she knew and understood me as I did her, I never judged her for he faults. And one mistake by me was all it took? How do I recover from this? I told her on Monday after she still didn't respond to me to just have a good life and that wished her well with the new boyfriend.

 

One thing u didn't take into consideration about females and ive learnt it the hard way like u needs. She'll stay wth u till she's got another nest to fly to not all u did mention she was a erial dater u shld o taken that as a warning and red flag. I've done the same thing not wanted to see things deep down I knew were true about that person. Love is blindness it surely is

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Just because you want to save yourself sexually forever doesn't mean most women want to. She hung in there a very long time. It's entirely possible that for lack of sexual contact, her feelings shifted to be more platonic and less sexual toward you, which would certainly be understandable given the long term of abstinence.

 

Her alcoholism is a problem, too. But mostly, you just have to realize that adults like to have sex. Most women certainly do prefer to have it with someone who is building a relationship, but very few over the age of 21 are going to be willing to wait for longer than a few months, and if they do, there's the risk of them losing the sexual feeling for you because it's been too platonic.

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