Ex reaching out via my parents [UPDATED Is my ex-gf manipulating me via fb?]

[Redstar91]

Hello everyone

 

This is my first post on this forum, my first breakup from my first real relationship. It lasted 4 months, we were both 23 and each others firsts on many fronts. She had relationships before, but only 'flirts' that lasted no longer than a month. We're both still at law school, but are studying in different cities (1h drive).

 

We broke up almost 3 weeks ago. She was not sure about her feelings for me, had panic attacks when she was alone, she has issues being in a serious relationship like ours. She panicked one morning just after we've been intimate together, and while she was crying and almost having a panic attack she told me she can't continue like this. She had these feelings before and she does not know where they actually come from. She thought about breaking up before a couple of times one month in our relationship (she never had a relationship that lasted longer than that, never had anything serious)

 

The day before we went on a city trip and everything seemed fine, she was always close to me enjoying contact, we went to dinner that evening and had a wonderful time. That night we came home we had a lot of intimate moments, so the breakup next morning was very unexpected for me. We even made plans for the next day when we were cuddling that night, telling my parents she would love to cook for us...

 

Thing is, she and my mom got along great and she still checks up on my mom sometimes to see how I'm doing. She regrets losing her best friend as well when we broke up, but once you cross that line (and she did, she kissed me) you can't just go back being friends. I wanted to go NC from day one to speed up the healing process, but it's hard hearing from her every week from my parents...

 

I contacted one of her friends and after that I wrote a letter to her. I know this isn't the best way to handle this, but she has to know that if she wants to contact me, she has to send me something and not call one of my parents. I stated that it's not possible to stay in this situation like this and I also asked for answers, those feelings she had, if it was real or not and why she would go in so deep with me if she did not feel the same way like I did.

 

From what I hear from her friend, she's devastated and afraid to talk to me. I know she's a very difficult person, but I still care about her. If she's ever ready to try again, I would take her back. But she has to know I can't be in her life right now just as a friend, I won't end up like a doormat. It's romantic or nothing at all.

 

Any advice how to handle this would be appreciated. I did not receive a response yet, but I hope she'll leave my parents alone at least for now.

[PegNosePete]

You can't stop her talking to your parents, if they want to keep hearing from her and talking to her then it's up to them.

 

But you should tell your parents that you DON'T want to hear ANYTHING about her. That constantly hearing about he is HURTING YOU. If your parents care about you and your feelings, then they will respect your wishes and will stop feeding you info and updates.

[d0nnivain]

Go look up some torts like invasion of privacy & stalking. Yikes.

 

 

I'd be ballistic if some girl I knew for 4 months was in contact with my parents! How juvenile. Grade school ended a long time ago. No more go-betweens. Are you sure this woman is studying law? How much of an advocate can she be if she needs your mommy to talk for her? Jeesh!

 

 

Tell your parents to tell her to stop talking to her & tell them to never speak of her to you again.

 

 

My EX who l lived with for 10 years called my mom who had the good sense not to call me & even then I thought it was cowardly that he didn't contact me directly.

[Redstar91]

Well give me a dumbass of the day award, of course she did not feel like giving me a reply after reaching out myself. It's been over 24h by now.

 

Well going NC and blocking her number on my parents phone should do the trick.

[Redstar91]

Tomorrow will mark day 7 she has seen my message but did not respond to it.

 

For those who don't know my story: We broke up 3 weeks ago. Every weekend this girl contacted my mother to check up on me. I stayed strict NC for 2 weeks. After that last call to my mom, were she was complaining she has also lost her best friend by breaking up with me and that I could go to the XX concert I bought us tickets for. But again, a 45-min call to my parents for the 3th time was a bit too much for me to ignore.

 

So I wrote her a letter telling her how I feel and basically tell her that if she wants to talk, she does not have to call my parents to do so. She read it 4 mins later but never responded. I think I came off a bit strong and she's afraid to respond. I know from a friend of her she's still deeply hurt, although she dumped me. But it's just rude to completely ignore such a letter after she reached out multiple times to my parents imo.

 

So I don't know how to handle this. I know she'll want to reach out in the future but the way she handles the situation, I'm not sure how to proceed. Best way for now is to do NC myself for a period of time, next week I'm taking another girl to the XX concert and I'm just going to focus on having a good time.

 

But how do I handle it when she reaches out eventually? I don't want to scare her of if she wants to reconcile, but I can't let this disrespect go unnoticed either.

[Sweetfish]

Tomorrow will mark day 7 she has seen my message but did not respond to it.

 

For those who don't know my story: We broke up 3 weeks ago. Every weekend this girl contacted my mother to check up on me. I stayed strict NC for 2 weeks. After that last call to my mom, were she was complaining she has also lost her best friend by breaking up with me and that I could go to the XX concert I bought us tickets for. But again, a 45-min call to my parents for the 3th time was a bit too much for me to ignore.

 

So I wrote her a letter telling her how I feel and basically tell her that if she wants to talk, she does not have to call my parents to do so. She read it 4 mins later but never responded. I think I came off a bit strong and she's afraid to respond. I know from a friend of her she's still deeply hurt, although she dumped me. But it's just rude to completely ignore such a letter after she reached out multiple times to my parents imo.

 

So I don't know how to handle this. I know she'll want to reach out in the future but the way she handles the situation, I'm not sure how to proceed. Best way for now is to do NC myself for a period of time, next week I'm taking another girl to the XX concert and I'm just going to focus on having a good time.

 

But how do I handle it when she reaches out eventually? I don't want to scare her of if she wants to reconcile, but I can't let this disrespect go unnoticed either.

 

 

writing the letter was a big mistake and there is nothing you can do...

 

 

and please outline how you are being disrespected?

[Jimmyjackson]

If she hasn't responded there is nothing you can do. If she gets in touch then cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

Also, are you taking this other girl as a friend or a date? Seems you're still hung up on your ex so don't lead her on.

[d0nnivain]

She hasn't been disrespectful. Impolite perhaps for not responding after blowing up your parents' phone. Notice I didn't even go so far as to saying she's being rude.

 

 

She's confused. She's hurt. You admit you came on strong. You also did this via FB. That's probably equally as wrong as her calling your parents. Ugh. You should have just called her not sent her some novel via FB.

 

 

If she does call, listen more than talk. But do be very clear about what you want when she asks. Answer softly & kindly.

[Redstar91]

I aksed for a period of no contact, she going around it via my parents is what I call not very polite to say the least. Those were 45min calls every Sunday btw. When my mother told her she was tired playing the go-between and told her to contact me herself, she would send me a 'I know this is wrong but I'm worried about you' text, I would always reply (distant reply though), as it is a polite way to deal with people you care about.

[Redstar91]

If she hasn't responded there is nothing you can do. If she gets in touch then cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

Also, are you taking this other girl as a friend or a date? Seems you're still hung up on your ex so don't lead her on.

 

I met this girl 3 weeks ago when I first left found some energy to go outside after our BU. It was at a political meetup in town, we talked and she told me she just went trough a similar breakup. So it's more of a 2 broken hearted people making the best of it situation, I have no interest in dating again so soon after a serious relationship.

[Jimmyjackson]

I met this girl 3 weeks ago when I first left found some energy to go outside after our BU. It was at a political meetup in town, we talked and she told me she just went trough a similar breakup. So it's more of a 2 broken hearted people making the best of it situation, I have no interest in dating again so soon after a serious relationship.

 

You both want some company, I get that. I'd just keep it at that as you are both hurting from different relationships. Enjoy the Gig, I'm seeing The XX in the summer in Barcelona.

[dumbass2]

Can you say on here exactly what you sent her in that message? Understand if you don't.

[Redstar91]

You both want some company, I get that. I'd just keep it at that as you are both hurting from different relationships. Enjoy the Gig, I'm seeing The XX in the summer in Barcelona.

 

I went through a lot of effort to get those tickets, they were sold out in minutes over here. I did not want them to go to waste, also I want it to be a very nice memory instead of a sad one by just reselling them.

[basil67]

I can't comment on her 'no response' without knowing what you said to her.

[Redstar91]

Can you say on here exactly what you sent her in that message? Understand if you don't.

 

I'll have to translate since it's in Dutch. But basically I ask her for answers why she ever got in a relationship with me when she did not really want it in the first place. She told my mother she felt 'forced' into the relationship, I was shocked to hear that. She was just looking for a friend all along she told her.

 

Background info: We went to some classes together at Law school last summer. She flirted with me and I went along with it. I was clueless for a lot of signals, since I never had a relationship before. I asked her to go to a rock festival with me since my friend cancelled and she agreed. From that moment I fell in love with her and I chased her during the summer. She backed away. That went along for some months and eventually she asked me to go on a trip with her to Italy. I think she planned to go alone since she already booked tickets herself, but she's not that independent to go on a trip like that on her own, so she asked me to go with her last minute. We went as friends.

 

She kept sending me mixed signals, so I bluntly asked her If it's ever going to work out between us as a couple. She said in my face she was not in love with me. It hurt but I finally had an answer. Small detail, that evening in our hostel, she was jealous I talked to a Brazilian girl on our room. That's not the reaction you would expect from a friend I would think?

 

After that trip I backed off. She contacted me, told me we should hang out one more time before the next semester starts (we study in different cities now) and I agreed. She kissed me the next morning and defined the relationship. It lasted 4 months. I celebrated xmas and NYE with her family and friends, it was great.

 

We did not see each other for a month because of finals, but we kept in contact every day. She was acting more and more distant though. When we met up again, we had 2 wonderful days/nights together and the next week we went on a city trip. Had a wonderful time again, nice dinner. Next morning, just after we've been intimate together, she started crying and told me she could not do this anymore. We talked about it the whole afternoon, held hands, cried, and then she left. Same weekend she started texting my mother, telling her she misses me and stuff like that.

 

A therapist once told her she would have issues with developing serious romantic relationships with people, that could explain panic attacks she would have when she was alone (she told me about them). I'm just at a loss why she never really opened up to me and that she just gave up on the whole relationship, without trying to involve me. I know she has to solve her personal issues first, but it's hard to move on if you know you still love each other very much. Every time I asked her what was wrong, she would remain silent. A friend of hers actually recommended that I wrote a letter instead of calling, since she has a difficult time to talk about such things.

 

It feels like I could have done more if we had talked more, but she never opened up to me about it. That's what stops me from moving on, but I'll have to live with it.

Edited February 26, 2017 by Redstar91

[preraph]

I think you were right to tell her no need to contact the parents. That's really manipulative on her part. That's on the list of things stalkers do trying to get info on people who don't want contact with them. So glad you told her that. But now she's mad. But hey, let her be mad. Now I think you need to also stop all contact, and if she does contact your parents again, write her one time and say, "Please do not contact me or my family anymore." Then if she persists, if it gets ugly, you have something in writing telling her to not do that.

 

And you need to tell your parents to stop talking to her! Your mom may be keeping this alive or something.

[Marc878]

Just block her on everything then you won't need to respond.

 

She dumped you so move on

[Sweetfish]

Going by what you wrote... she is right... you forced her into this relationship. You clearly knew she was flaky and wishy-washy and you took the high risk of buying expensive tickets that you now have to eat. You can tell she is a person who has difficulty looking for answers and maybe some what scared of her feelings. You should have chilled and let the relationship form..instead you were in HOT pursuit..there are some people who do take time to open up. That letter you wrote pushed her away.

 

You pulling N.C. should not be discussed. You should not openly discuss N.C. if your intentions are to try again. The no contact rule is for you.. not them or us.

 

N.C. and openly telling the other person is clearly stating your actions hurt me and thus the other person will least likely contact you. Specially women.

 

Your being immature... by not ignoring her contact with your mother... that was actually a good sign. If you were being active and not sulking your mom would relay that your doing fine and this would open the door more to her seeing your not hurt.

[ExpatInItaly]

Meh, don't worry right now about what to do if she responds. It might not happen at all, so I wouldn't stress about it at this point. If she does reply, return to this thread and we could give you some feedback then. Right now, it's a waste of your energy to worry about it. I have to disagree with the friend who recommended you write this letter, though. It was not the best way to communicate what you wanted to say, and it was a big risk, considering it's one-sided mode of communication.

 

It's frustrating, but she's not obligated to respond to you. I can understand why you'd have liked her to, of course, but let her current silence do the talking. Its sounds to me like she was always lukewarm about you and couldn't really ignore those doubts anymore. She did the right thing in ending it. However, I do think it's very inappropriate of her to be contacting your mom. I have a feeling that's just to ease her own guilt for hurting you. Your mom needs to stop accepting contact from her.

 

In the future, pay close attention to the red flags. I get the sense she wanted to be into you, but she just didn't have strong enough feelings in the end. It happens. I don't think a therapist can accurately assess if something is wrong with her without even knowing her. She might have her issues, sure. Or...she might just not have been all that into you. You both sound young, so try to use this one as a learning experience. You will find someone else who is crazy about you, and the difference will be night and day.

[Redstar91]

I'm at a loss of words. How can you force someone in a relationship if I backed off and she kissed me in the end? Why keep it going for all those months? I should add that we were eachother first serious relationship (and other firsts), she never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month before, never emotionally invested as she told me.

 

There were a lot of red flags I ignored in the end. She pushed me away a lot and pulled me back in again, was mean to me, did not want to meet any of my friends because it was 'too soon', but the other way around and meeting her friends, even going on a double date with one of her best friends was totally normal. Her parents and uncle loved me, I even left my dog with them for a week when we went to Italy...

 

I just don't understand. If she was always feeling flaky, why couldn't she just keep it a friendship relationship in the first place?

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm at a loss of words. How can you force someone in a relationship if I backed off and she kissed me in the end? Why keep it going for all those months? I should add that we were eachother first serious relationship (and other firsts), she never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month before, never emotionally invested as she told me.

 

There were a lot of red flags I ignored in the end. She pushed me away a lot and pulled me back in again, was mean to me, did not want to meet any of my friends because it was 'too soon', but the other way around and meeting her friends, even going on a double date with one of her best friends was totally normal. Her parents and uncle loved me, I even left my dog with them for a week when we went to Italy...

 

I just don't understand. If she was always feeling flaky, why couldn't she just keep it a friendship relationship in the first place?

 

Because she is immature and liked the attention and affection.

 

It's nice that her parents and uncle thought highly of you, but it unfortunately doesn't mean anything regarding her feelings or the longevity of a relationship. I'd always had good relationships with exes' family members. But as you're coming to learn, that doesn't guarantee the relationship will last.

 

Let this one go. As I often say, first relationships are almost never our last. You two will both eventually move on from this to date others, who are better suited to you. This one wasn't a match, but there will be others.

[Redstar91]

Because she is immature and liked the attention and affection.

 

It's nice that her parents and uncle thought highly of you, but it unfortunately doesn't mean anything regarding her feelings or the longevity of a relationship. I'd always had good relationships with exes' family members. But as you're coming to learn, that doesn't guarantee the relationship will last.

 

Let this one go. As I often say, first relationships are almost never our last. You two will both eventually move on from this to date others, who are better suited to you. This one wasn't a match, but there will be others.

 

I disagree that we were not good matches together, but maybe I still need to catch up to reality. We had a lot in common and when we were together, we had an awesome time. I think she just has some serious attachment issues, always wanting to run away from me and run to me at the same time as she described it.

 

Nothing more I can do than giving her space and living my own life now. She told my mother that her friends abandoned her, she feels lonely and doesn't know what to do next but she misses me. I have a lot of good friends who support me no matter what and have my own hobbies and work to keep me busy.

[Redstar91]

Because she is immature and liked the attention and affection.

 

It's nice that her parents and uncle thought highly of you, but it unfortunately doesn't mean anything regarding her feelings or the longevity of a relationship. I'd always had good relationships with exes' family members. But as you're coming to learn, that doesn't guarantee the relationship will last.

 

Let this one go. As I often say, first relationships are almost never our last. You two will both eventually move on from this to date others, who are better suited to you. This one wasn't a match, but there will be others.

 

Her uncle has a '64 mustang fastback. God I'll miss that car But you're right. I should just let her go. Thanks guys.

[Hoosfoos]

She is contacting your parents because all she cares about is relieving her own guilt. It is not about you, this is about her and her selfish needs.

 

Sorry to say this, but she doesn't care about you anymore. She dumped you.

 

Tell your parents to not accept calls from her anymore, remove her from your phone, and block her on social media. It's the only way.

[ExpatInItaly]

I disagree that we were not good matches together, but maybe I still need to catch up to reality. We had a lot in common and when we were together, we had an awesome time. I think she just has some serious attachment issues, always wanting to run away from me and run to me at the same time as she described it.

 

Nothing more I can do than giving her space and living my own life now. She told my mother that her friends abandoned her, she feels lonely and doesn't know what to do next but she misses me. I have a lot of good friends who support me no matter what and have my own hobbies and work to keep me busy.

 

What I meant is that this wasn't meant to last forever. If she'd been more into you or more committed, she'd still be there. It's not necessarily a bad thing that she's gone; now there will be space in your life for someone who truly wants to be there.

 

And ask your Mom to stop taking her calls. It's really not appropriate for her to be calling your family and whining about her life.