from sad to psychotic

[dntl841]

Hey everyone,

 

A weird situation hit me in the last couple days. the girl I had been dating for six months and I broke things off. I wasnt happy about it, but I told her I loved her but I wont wait around for her to come back (this is the second time she has done this). Our relationship was pretty good from my opinion, we argued a lot, but she sparked a great deal of them. During these fights I would just say "its my bad, sorry" in hopes to move forward.

 

The day before the actual break up she was crying and saying that she loved me, told me she was terrified of losing me. I made it clear I was always willing to work unless she cheated or something horrific.

 

yesterday her and I spoke but her tone was significantly different. She was aggressive, taking personal attacks on me, saying the worst things she could imagine. I dropped to her level out of anger, informed her that my friends all said she was bad news and that they thought she was shady.

 

I regretted it and apologized saying "you said things that got under my skin and I usually dont react like that" and wished her good luck in the future.

 

The thing is, wtf happened? i always reassured, did nice things for her and anything that bugged her I dealt with.

 

Any advice or insight is appreciated, Im having some trouble with all of it. I loved this girl, but she showed some bizarre true colors.

[PLT]

Her little niggles at you weren't getting the reaction she wanted so she stepped it up a level.

 

I have no idea why anyone would do this, but that's how it seems from the outside to me.

 

EDIT: Some people like drama. Your ex sounds like one of these people.

Edited February 22, 2017 by PLT

[Sweetfish]

Hey everyone,

 

A weird situation hit me in the last couple days. the girl I had been dating for six months and I broke things off. I wasnt happy about it, but I told her I loved her but I wont wait around for her to come back (this is the second time she has done this). Our relationship was pretty good from my opinion, we argued a lot, but she sparked a great deal of them. During these fights I would just say "its my bad, sorry" in hopes to move forward.

 

The day before the actual break up she was crying and saying that she loved me, told me she was terrified of losing me. I made it clear I was always willing to work unless she cheated or something horrific.

 

yesterday her and I spoke but her tone was significantly different. She was aggressive, taking personal attacks on me, saying the worst things she could imagine. I dropped to her level out of anger, informed her that my friends all said she was bad news and that they thought she was shady.

 

I regretted it and apologized saying "you said things that got under my skin and I usually dont react like that" and wished her good luck in the future.

 

The thing is, wtf happened? i always reassured, did nice things for her and anything that bugged her I dealt with.

 

Any advice or insight is appreciated, Im having some trouble with all of it. I loved this girl, but she showed some bizarre true colors.

 

 

LS Member Downtown... cleanup on aisle 4

 

I suggest you read up on BPD as she may have BPD traits

Edited February 22, 2017 by Sweetfish

[dntl841]

A side of me thought she may have borderline personality disorder. Mainly due to her chronic anxiety, over thinking/over the top reactions. But I always stayed patient and reassured her.

 

Just some things she said were deep cutters. I almost felt like she wanted to to react so she could be angrier at me or have some justification to her words.

 

Edit: she also kept saying I was a manipulator, her example was when I said "i love you but if you leave again Im not chasing after you". WTF???

Edited February 22, 2017 by dntl841

[Downtown]

Sweetfish, thanks for the headsup! Aisle 4, LOL.

 

A side of me thought she may have borderline personality disorder. Mainly due to her chronic anxiety, over thinking/over the top reactions.

DNTL, I agree with Sweetfish that several behaviors you describe -- i.e., starting numerous fights, never apologizing, strong fear of abandonment, and verbal abuse -- are some of the classic red flags for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. Moreover, there is an excellent description of what it's like to live with a BPDer wife for 23 years in Salparadise's post. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to join Sweetfish and Sal in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, DNTL.

[preraph]

What did you argue about? Do you think you just had a basic incompatibility or that one or the other of you argues because it's normal to you because you grew up around a lot of arguing and chaos?

[dntl841]

The fights were about anything from me saying good night wrong to something that doesnt add up that she told me.

 

When we were together in person, we NEVER fought. its been 3 days since we have spoken. At some point in the week she blocked me on facebook and IG (not sure why as she was the last one to bring up a conversation).

 

Im not the kind to harass a girl to take me back so the block doesnt make much sense.

 

That said, I am hurt, I miss her, but the girl that told me off and said anything she could think of to hurt me I have never seen before. I have one side of me that wishes she would show up and say something. But she was so angry and honestly, Ive dated enough girls and I know when Im not treating someone well... but I was good to her.

[dntl841]

Any input? Sorry just struggling today

[LitTunnel]

Struggling during NC is an inevitable part of the process. You need to accept it for what it is, even though it's a terrible feeling. I think with your lady you just need to wait it out. Don't contact her at all. It will go straight to her immature head if you do. Have her chase you. And if and when she does contact just play it cool. Don't spend too much energy on it. Show her who's boss. Good luck!

[elaine567]

To me it sounds like she is having a hard time breaking up with you.

That doesn't mean she wants to stay with you.

She became cold and angry in an attempt to get rid of you so you would hate her, and not sit with your puppy dog eyes trying to win her back.

 

People, in general are not very good at break ups, they often act weird and out of character as they are often an emotional mess.

They want out but at the same time they know they can be persuaded to stay. They thus have to act cold and angry in order to get themselves through the break up.

They steel themselves up so that their mind cannot be changed, they pick fights to justify the break up, they bring up old hurts and throw around insults so that the dumpee gets the message loud and clear.

 

In a perfect world, people would approach break ups logically and rationally and there would be civilised discussion and then both would shake hands and walk away satisfied it was for the best.

BUT in real life that rarely happens...

[dntl841]

I didn't make it hard for her. I told her I love her but I would respect whatever she came to. Then decided I'm the worst person in the world. Worst part is that I genuinely miss her.

 

I won't call and if she wants to talk she can call. I'm just busted up about it. Did I do the right thing not fighting her leaving?

[todreaminblue]

I didn't make it hard for her. I told her I love her but I would respect whatever she came to. Then decided I'm the worst person in the world. Worst part is that I genuinely miss her.

 

I won't call and if she wants to talk she can call. I'm just busted up about it. Did I do the right thing not fighting her leaving?

 

 

i think you are in a no win situation and the only person who really knows if it would have been better to fight her leaving is her......i have this instinct that even if you fought for her...she would have said why didnt you just let me leave....was in a similar position myself.....with my long term ex.....i had no fight left in me so i let him leave......i didnt fight for him.....he moved on with someone else....recently he told me if you had stayed around he knows he would not have stayed away..

 

 

our relationship for fifteen years was mostly intense.....except at the end......where i gave up the ghost of what could be...its not really fair that he said that to me ..."if i had stayed"...i fonly you.....puts the break up in my court doestn it....delegates the responsibility to me...highly unfair........and i actually knew that..if i had stayed....he would come back .......it is why i moved interstate when we split....i knew he wouldnt stay away or me stay away from him......

 

 

if he truly loved me......he should have helped me fight in the first place..he should not have left.........thats what i need and probably you too ...someone who would fight as hard as i can........ten years on and him single....the conversation has gone there ...about getting back together.....i have had a relationship and i have dated others......and that love i had isnt there...the missing is......but what i am missing really is the love.......im not quite sure...what it is ,....he misses and wants me back for........is it really me?

am i strong enough...to accept what i feel in my heart the answer to that is..........

 

 

as for you........its easy for her to say you should have fought for me to stay...would it be as easy for her to answer a question from you ....

why did you go in the first place instead of playing games with me........

why didnt she herself,fight for what you had together....my bets are the answer she has....would let you know you did exactly the right thing.....in my eyes...you did right........good luck...deb

Edited February 25, 2017 by todreaminblue

[dntl841]

Today has been a hard day.

 

I'm surprised she hasn't reached out to me by now. None of this makes any sense to me.

 

Any dumpers out there? Who crys, says they don't want to lose someone then proceeds to do this within a day

 

Really hard day today.

[mischalove]

Hang in there, you are doing the right thing.

[AT15]

Today has been a hard day.

 

I'm surprised she hasn't reached out to me by now. None of this makes any sense to me.

 

Any dumpers out there? Who crys, says they don't want to lose someone then proceeds to do this within a day

 

Really hard day today.

 

Do not reach out to her. She has to feel the seperation anxiety, and she will. You are feeling it now, but she will feel it soon. Wait and see...

[dntl841]

Im starting to feel like she will never feel it.

 

I have been good and have not reached out to her or looked at her instagram, but I really miss her. Its really breaking me down.