Out with the old, in with the new !

[browneyedgirl23]

Hi everyone. I've broken off a 4 year relationship about a month ago because I felt like the guy wasn't there for me at times when I needed him, and he talks mean sometimes and always think sex is supposed to be a given when he wants to and use to get mad when we didn't. He has insecurities that he doesn't like me talking to other guys platoniacally or even will go as far to say don't say hi to guys if they don't say anything first. I felt he was emotionally manipulative and I couldn't take it anymore. He wasn't all bad but just something I can't see myself dealing with more years to come. I want to get out and date or even just build new friendships (male/female) without him trying to interfere with my life personally since I am emotionally over him. We work together so he still tires to act like we're tied to each other or that we are fine to everybody else. I've tried to break this relationship off multiple times but this time I'm done. I'm not a mean person but how can I be more firm in my translation to him that we are really done. And also should I feel bad if I want to get to know a nice guy I met outside of work? Even just to hang out a bit?

[spiderowl]

He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who is going to accept a break-up. If he is controlling now, he's likely to get more controlling if he is rejected. You do have to be honest and tell him it is completely over. Then you need to stick to your guns regardless of any emotional manipulation. Tell him you don't want to hurt him but you have to end this relationship.

 

I think you need to think of ways to avoid him once you have left.

 

What problems do you anticipate?

[mikeylo]

You might need to change your job.

 

You need to be physically away from each other to move on. If he is in your face every day, you will never be able to move on emotionally. That is where NC comes.

 

While hard to find a new job but if he didn't want the break up , he will not let you move on.

[preraph]

Well, if you're letting him tell people at work you're still together and not telling him and them otherwise, then he thinks you're still together. So let anyone who matters know you are no longer together, no matter what he says.

 

Tell him you don't want to have any contact with him other than professional conduct at work. Block him from everything but your work email IF he needs that. Don't answer the door if he comes over. Once you tell him in writing you want no further contact, keep a log of times he breaks that in case you have to ever call the police on him because he's following you or coming to your home.

 

Go ahead and tell him you are dating others.

 

 

Once you've been crystal clear with him, maybe he will look for another job himself or behave himself. If not, either get another job or call police if he crosses the line.

[Telemachus]

Dating relationships with co-workers almost always end, and they almost always end badly. The fact that you were having sex regularly makes it all the more awkward. The truth is that one of the two usually ends up finding work from another employer - it's so awkward that one ends up leaving. Imagine having to see an ex-spouse at work everyday.

 

Done is done. Forget about "really done." Get that thought out of your head, and he will eventually catch on. There are no gradations - no means no, and over is over.

 

There's no reason you should feel badly about moving on. You say that you ended it a month ago. There's no standard cooling-off or recuperation period. The only awkward thing is that you still have to see him regularly at work.

[browneyedgirl23]

Thank you all for your input. I knew that either of us would have to find a different job eventually to really seal the deal. I don't want to leave my work place but it's been a thought. Working with them day to day and not wanting to be bothered or smothered is getting annoying.