insecurities pushed her away, what shall i do, NC?

[thatblonechic]

My ex broke up with me almost a month ago. we ha been together just over 2 years and was inseparable. we had such a strong bond there was nothing we couldn't say or do around each other. we would go travelling together and go clubbing and visit different towns together. we were both so in love. well so i thought... the more into the relationship we got, please bare in mind this is mt first long term relationship and love. I felt like nothing mattered but my partner. i stupidly cut out all my friends because spending time with her was just too much fun. her friends became my friends and her life became my life. over time i slowly moved into her house to the point i practically lived there. her room was filled with my things and i was everywhere. at the time was great but now i understand wasnt pratical. We became so close i knew her passwords to her facebook and phone and i knew everything she was up to. Because i am currently unemployed, my life litrally became her. The more i fell in love the more and more i wanted to be with her and the more i panicked whn i thought she was getting close to someone. this was just my insecurties talking. i created a non excisting problem but seemed true at the time. i became controlling and didnt want her talking to certain people and when ever she wanted to meet people i wanted to be updated constantly on what she was doing, who she was with ect. this obviously got in the way of her social life. When we first met each other we both had a big friendship circle. we both lost that during our relationship and it wasnt healthy. my ex wanted to make me happy and to be a good girlfriend she granted my wishes on who i didnt want her to talk to and all the updates ect. and then started to feel guilty for wanting to socialise with friends because she knew t would make me unhappy and it would make her feel like a bad girlfriend. I feel so ashamed of my behaviour but i didnt realise any of this until we broke up and i took a step back because i was so caught up with her and the relationship. This started to make her unhappy and she became stressed. but she couldnt off load any stress because i was always around and that ws adding more stress. so eventually she said she needed space because she felt restricted and smothered. understandable. she said we needed to break up so she could realise what she actually wants and to hopefully let her feelings hit home and she said she would contact when she is ready. Unforunately, i didnt realise straight away what i should of done and panicked at the thought of loosing the best thing in my life. so i cried, i messaged, i called, i tried to say i can change . i did all that and she didnt reply. I had a reply every so often and it would be something along the lines of "i need space, your not giving me space". i feel i pushed her away further here. so i left her alone for about a week and we agreed to talk, because we had a holiday booked in a few weeks. She claimed she is angry, stressed and feeling every emotion at the moment but cant connect to them. but she knows she still loves me deep down under all the emotions and anger. but she still doesnt know what she wants and doesnt want to meet in person yet, she said she isnt ready for that. I should have left her alone again after this but as soon as i heard she still loves me it made me message her more, but with no response. i bumped into her later that day while out with a friend and she happened to be on a date with a girl. this girl is everything she hates in a girl but they were on a date. she saw me and ran off. looking rather embarassing. in anger i went and collected my belongings from her house and deleted her from facebook. Ive heard this girl is from tinder. they started talking nt long after we broke up. is this a rebound? ive asked her and she said she doesnt want anyone else, this isnt why she is doing this, she was pushed away and then wouldnt say anymore. Ive tried contacting her firends and her parents to try find out what is going on because im left hanging but all this didnt go to well. she just ended up finding out and i got into her space again. then my depression kicked in. at this point my depression was really bad and i just hated how things had become. she had always said she would always fight for me, im the best thing in her life. im her best friend and girlfriend. i miss her terribly and litrally struggled tolive without her at this point. but i picked myself up and went to a friends birthday party. had a good night but got abit too drunk, then happened to bump into her and her friends unexpectedly. She was looking at me. one of my firnds went over behind my back and called her a C*** for hurting me which made her cry. this made me angry. i apologised to hr the next day for it and i had a message back about how that really upset her and bad mouthing her isnt the way to go. which i havnt bad mouthed her, but i came across like that. She then commented how drunk i was on the night and who i was dancing with and what i was drinking. This made me think why? why would she watch me to comment on that. my depression was really high the following day because everything has just gone down hill so fast. my suicide thoughts kicked in and i told her. she said she still cared for me and was worried so she messaged my family in concern. but kept it short . i told her my suicide thoughts were strong she said to me she was really stressed and this was making her crazy stressed and she said to me, you know if you actually man up and not go out and get really drunk and make a fool of yourself, then maybe it will knock some sence into me. she said seeing you in this mess makes me think, i made the right choice. It been a week since this conversation and i havnt messaged her. and she hasnt messaged me. im trying to do no contact but its difficult. its been a week so far. but she seems fine, she hasnt contacted me since. do you think some time to cool off will do her good and miss me or do you think its too late? oh i forgot to say, she also proposed to me a month or two ao for our anniversary but we agreed on a promise ring because we felt we werent quite ready. she said she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. all this happened on a trip to barcelona that she planned behind my back. the break up happened all of a sudden too, she came home from work and told me to leave. ive heard since the break up she is drinking alot of alcohol and smoking weed. im guessing this is due to stress. do you think no contact will help her calm down and miss me? or do you think she has moved on. we have now cancelled the upcoming holiday due to all this happneing. this was my idea even though it was a birthday present to me. she agreed with my idea that making it a make or break was a good idea but once i saw her with this other girl, i got angry. is she just caught up in freedom ? or is she genrally happy without me?

[d0nnivain]

Paragraphs are your friends. This wall of text wasn't easy to slog through

 

 

You are not in a place where you can have a happy healthy relationship right now. You have too much work to do on yourself.

 

 

If you are feeling suicidal please get professional help. Stay off the booze. Alcohol is a depressant & it will aggravate your suicidal thoughts. You are in danger.

 

 

You mentioned being unemployed. If that is still true, work on getting a job. Once you get a steady income the sense of purpose & accomplishment will help you settle down.

 

 

It's unlikely but perhaps if your EX sees you being more stable she may consider taking you back.

 

 

Whether with her or your next relationship you can't make your SO the center of your whole world. You both need some independence and outside interests. You were holding on too tight & it all blew up in your place.