Something to think about - for boys and girls

[karnak]

Hello everyone.

 

Like all of you I've recently been "kicked" out of a relation. Reading your posts has given me some insight upon my situation. And for that I thanks you all for submitting your opinions. I also want to make some statements that I'd like all of you to consider and give your opinion about.

 

THE STORY: the romance began in early July of last year. We took things very quietly and calmly. I moved to her place and things went very well since then. We worked in the same place. In December our contract expired so we had to move to both our parent's homes (the house we shared was rented). This could have some importance or not, but unfortunately she comes from a family with problems in terms of comunication (depressed mother, lunatic father, weird sister, etc...). I feared the worst.

 

We mantained a LDR for 4 months. Things were still going well. In March she decides to finish the relation. She stated that she didn't like me the way she used to, that she couldn't give me half the love I gave her and that she couldn't explain why. She also remarked that she no longer knew what she wanted (like a family, children, etc) and that she was facing a depression and needed time and space for herself.

 

As we had a very honest relationship I asked her if there was another man involved. She said "no" and I believed her (our mutual friends also say that there isn't "another guy" around). She was really looking sad, confused and depressed. I asked her if she wanted to give a time and consider ending it or not. She said "no". That she didn't again knew what she wanted and that I didn't deserve to wait for an answer that could be negative.

 

We parted our ways, me wishing her all the best. I felt very miserable and sad, specially because she has had other boyfriends who've cheated on her and treated her very badly. I honestly believe I was the best boyfriend she ever had.

 

When we started dating she had no self-confidence whatsoever. She thought she was stupid, ugly and so on (you girls must know what I'm talking about). These horrible thoughts were forced upon her by her previous boyfriends and even her own father. To make a long story short, I was the first man in her life to give her the freedom to think for herself (and she's 29!!). As I suspect, she took hold of this kind of freedom to question her entire life and decide for herself what she wanted in life (career, future, etc).

 

I do not regret this. If I can say I've freed her, then I'm proud of it.

 

This happened a month ago. It hurt like hell (it still does) but now I've finally started to be at peace with myself. Why? Because I finally accepted my own feelings. I LOVE HER. Period. DOES SHE LOVE ME? PROBABLY NOT (at least not in the way she loved me before).

 

Two days after our break-up she phoned me to ask how I was and to tell me she had a new job. We've been talking since then. At least once a week. I even met her since. Almost all the times we talked I tried to avoid talking about our relationship, but it was her who always brought the subject (to ask me how I was coping with it).

 

Don't get me wrong. I know our relationship has ended. At least the way it worked. I still want to be her friend. Unfortunately, one of the sad things I've seen on this forum is that many people use No Contact as a tool to bring their "exes" back. THAT IS MANIPULATION. To all of you who follow that scheme: do you really want someone back who behaves like a beast to be hunted like, or like a fish on bait?

 

If you really love someone and don't want to lose sight of them I think contact is to be kept. My ex has some problems (mostly due to her unhealthy upbringing) and I want to be beside her to help her whenever possible. "If you really love someone, set them free" it's said. They're people like you. If they don't want to live with you, then you have to respect their decision.

 

If you don't want them as friends, then you would never be able to mantain a long relationship with them. Imagine living for 20 years on the same house&bed with someone who's not a great friend of yours. If you want them to be more than friends, first show them your sincere friendship, and then it's their decision if they want to commit or not. If they DON'T EVEN WANT to be friends, then your relation was doomed for the start. How can there be love without true friendship between two human beings?

 

And how will they know waht they've lost if you break all contact with them? My opinion is (stupid as it may sound): if you're a good guy/girl then your "exes" will eventually return to you. If they exchange you for someone who's worse than you...well, then they're just plain stupid. AND YOU DON'T WANT A STUPID HUSBAND/WIFE DO YOU?

 

Do not be afraid of your feelings. Be proud of them. To love someone is beautiful and only shows the goodness in you. Do not be afraid to show your feelings to the one you love (with discretion and respect, don't be foolish or childish). Sometimes, when people are confused they can do stupid things (like rejecting the ones they love) and later regret it. But what kind of lover/friend will you be if you abandon them at the first sign of trouble?? Believe me: when you marry someone, things DO BECOME more complicated than during your dating.

 

Of course I have hope of regaining my ex-girlfriend. While there's life there's hope. But time moves on and no one knows what future will bring. And if we lost a lover we could at least have won a wonderful friend. Perhaps a lover to be. Who knows?

 

And, above all: FOLLOW YOUR OWN HEART AND FEELINGS. Only you know what's good for you. Every case is different. If advices were that good they would be sold in stores, and not given for free.

 

I am an atheist. Yet I believe that the best definition for love can be found in one of the earliest christian writers. Most of you must have bibles in your houses. Check St.Paul's 1st letter to the Corinthians (chap.13).

 

PHEEWW.

 

This is one long post. Thanks for having read this to the end. PLEASE, give me your comments on this. This is only my opinion. Voice yours.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by karnak

Don't get me wrong. I know our relationship has ended. At least the way it worked. I still want to be her friend. Unfortunately, one of the sad things I've seen on this forum is that many people use No Contact as a tool to bring their "exes" back. THAT IS MANIPULATION. To all of you who follow that scheme: do you really want someone back who behaves like a beast to be hunted like, or like a fish on bait?

 

People who use it as manipulation will sorely be disappointed.

 

NO CONTACT is the only way to heal and move on. You can not have a healthy relationship with a new person if you still have the old one on a string. (friendship).

 

I am an atheist. Yet I believe that the best definition for love can be found in one of the earliest christian writers. Most of you must have bibles in your houses. Check St.Paul's 1st letter to the Corinthians (chap.13).

 

How ironic.

[Fallen_Angel]

I really, really enjoyed your post, Karnak.

 

I'll be the first to admit that I don't know a whole lot about this breakup stuff. My ex was my first serious relationship, and, for all intents and purposes, my first love (ie. the first person who actually authentically returned my feelings). Seems kinda silly, as I'm almost 24, but then again I'm a late bloomer.

 

Anyhow, over the past 3 weeks my mind has been overwhelmed with all sorts of contradictory feelings and impulses. I'm not in denial anymore, thankfully. If anything, I'm mired in numbness. I try not to spend too much time thinking about my ex, even though everything reminds me of him. He used to tell me that if anything ever happened, he still wanted to be in my life because I'd been so wonderful to him. And he reiterated the same thought when he broke up with me. He wants us to be friends. Well, I'd like that too, but not while I'm secretly hoping he'll change his mind.

 

Which brings me to "no contact." In the first days after this happened, I called him twice. I sent him a text message. He sent me instant messages whenever he saw me online. But during those instant message conversations he started sounding more like an acquaintance. We talked (however briefly) about the most mundane things. I wanted to pour my heart out, but thought better of it because I knew whatever I said would sound desperate. I realized I couldn't keep talking to him when doing so upset me so greatly. So in that sense, I need NC because I need to allow myself to heal. I can't keep knocking myself down. At the same time, though, I want him to realize what he's given up by doing this to me. I don't think this is particularly manipulative. I thought things in our relationship were going very well - all of this more or less came out of the blue (except for a conversation we had over the summer where I thought he was going to break up with me soon after). As the saying goes, "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" I'm not deluding myself by believing that no contact will magically change his mind. Although I HOPE he'll figure out we belong together, I'm not going to make this thought the center of my existence. However, I'm not going to be his friend and allow him to reap only the benefits he wants from me (ie. someone to complain about school to, someone to have sex with, someone to cuddle with, etc.). It's all or nothing.

 

I love reading the posts on this board and sharing my thoughts, because we're all struggling together. You're definitely right when you point out that everyone's case is different. While we all have similar feelings, each case has its own intricacies. So in my case, I do feel that NC won't work forever if I plan on maintaining a friendship with my ex. I shouldn't be embarrassed about the way I feel - a lot of other people go through this too.

[br995]

I'm not sure why I'm replying. I guess it's because I'm being ripped in so many different directions in terms of what I think I should be doing.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me essentially because I didn't appreciate her. She is now with someone else. I have made a complete turn around in my life and not only do I recognize how much she means to me, I am the same type of guy I was when we first met. (during the 2 1/2 years of our relationship I had changed a lot for the worse).

 

Part of me says exactly what you say -- I love her, so I should want her to be happy. And if I can't be with her, at least I can have a great friend.

 

But another part of me says that if I want her back, the way to do that is to get her to realize what she is now missing out on, not by being her friend. If she can be with her new guy and have me like I was when we first got together, why would she change the status of things? If she realizes that I want to be with her, but will not settle for simply friend status, maybe she will decide that she doesn't want to lose me. I do see how this can be considered manipulative, though.

 

 

I hope more people -- perhaps those that have tried either tactic -- will reply to this. Hopefully the more insight I can get, the easier this will be for me.

[rmo2380]

Karnak I enjoyed reading your post. I agree with you.whole heartily. I mean someone you love, you cant just throw away so easily. I am in a similar situation as you are. My ex left me a month ago after a two year relationship. She left me because she didnt know if I was right for her. She claims she still loves me which I dont doubt her at all. I think no contact is a crock of **** because if you have contact the other person knows whats going on in each others lives. Yes no contact helps you heal in a way but I view it as walking away from the problem or avoiding confrontation. Sometimes in life people need time to figure out who they are or what they want or what they need. They get off tract, but why shut out someone that means so much to you. I believe your only hurting yourself if you have no contact. WHen I say have some kind of contact, dont do it everyday. Patience is definately a virtue and in love you definately have to be patient. Ya never know what the future is going to bring. If you loved the person that hurt you in the first place, than you wont ever forget them. Ya dont play games with them such as no contact. Contact them because they will know ya still care. Anyways it was a great post karnak

[Marshbear]

I don't use NC as a way of manipulation. It is a way of me getting over my feelings for someone who does not want to be with me. If I stayed a friend to her my feelings would never have resolution. It is not about shutting out someone from your life ( at least not to me ). It is getting over a love that you had and seeing that it will never go where you wanted it to.

[Auz]

I guess NC depends on each individual situation. If you see that there is no future at all, ie if they were cheating on you the whole time etc, then NCwould be the way to go.

 

In my case, I have to see my Ex twice a week at least, and total NC would be impossible (and also it would feel almost childish, as I know she asked for a break because she wasnt sure if this is what she wanted, and didnt want to drag me along if she was unsure).

 

I told her that even though she has decided this, I still have feelings for her and care for her alot, and Im not going to suddenly get rid of those feelings. Sure things are different between us, but I lovedher for who she is, not becauseshe was going out with me - and she still is that person. Eventhough it does hurt at times, I dont think Id be true to myself if forced myself to 'hate' her. Sure, I'm making sure she isnt the centre of my life now, but I still care and respect her for the person she is.

 

Maybe one day she'll decide that I am who she wants - and maybe by that time I wont have found someone else.

Or maybe she'll find someone even better than me, and I guess then I can be happy that she has someone who appreciates her even more than I do.

 

I guess my point is, she has done what she thinks is the right thing to do for us due to her uncertainty, and not wanting to drag me along until she is sure - and whether I like it or not its not enough to destroy a friendship over - although it wont be easy either.

[YouGotServed]

Great post Karnak....NC works for some cases but it really depends on the situation at hand. My ex broke up with me about 8 weeks ago and I have maintained NC with her. She likes hanging around her two girlfriends all the time and they make the decisions for her from time to time. Keeping NC will hopefully allow her to see how manipulative, selfish and how much jealously runs in this world. I would give her a call but its not my initiation because of her breaking up with me.

 

So, its really up to your situation and the best thing is to do what you gut feeling tells you. Take care!

[romantic_fool]

Appreciated reading your posting Karnak. Also the follow-ups by everyone resonate deeply.

 

For me (GF broke up a few months ago after 4 years, the last 2 of which were in a LDR), I am deliberately adopting a semi-NC approach. Of course, I very much want her back and part of me still wants to believe it may happen (she has told me that I am the best person she has ever dated and is likely to ever date so cannot herself understand why she does not want a relationship with me). I have stopped begging and pleading with her but do not want to lose contact entirely with her. She wants to remain good friends. So now I return her emails only after a lengthy delay and typically let her calls go to voicemail, replying later and somewhat sporadically. I have not been initiating any contact, only replying. This way she knows that I am still there but not in the same way and not in a manner that implicitly pressurises her or makes her feel claustrophobic. I make the point of making her laugh, giving her advice and providing support in every single interaction to remind her what a good guy I am. Also, I relay to her all of the exciting and fun things going on in my life now - I want her to see the person she first started dating. Plus, I do sincerely want to have her as a friend and for her to be happy and succeed.

 

I hope to achieve a few aims with this strategy: (1) keep me in her thoughts in a positive way (2) softly show her that I still care about her (3) gain awareness of what is going on in her life (4) reinforce the standard that she sets for any other potential BF. I'm seeking to respect her wishes by giving her the time and space she wants while not altogether disappearing - just enough for her to hopefully miss me and figure out her feelings and determine what she wants without me muddying the waters. I do notice that since I stopped contacting her as frequently, she contacts me more often...

 

At the same time, with other side of semi-NC, I am trying to rebuild my life, reconnect with the world and rediscover my sense of self-worth. It's very tough doing both at the same time and I recognise that it carries the risk of harming my own healing process. It is painful and stressful for sure. But I hope that patience and discipline will allow me to perserve and straddle both paths in the short-term without falling down.

 

I don't think of my actions as manipulative. She knows how I feel about her. My friendship is genuine regardless of whether it ultimately leads her to reevaluate her decisions. At the same time, I am just ensuring that she does not forget or underestimate my merits.