deecai Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Hi all, first time poster. My ex-boyfriend and I are in college together and dated for 9 months. I used to be incredibly insecure, and he knew that. I made a huge mistake that involved kissing someone else that he forgave me for. The last 3 months of our relationship were rocky, we tried to regain what we had before the mistake. Things did start looking up towards the end, but he got so tired of sticking his neck out that he ended things. I completely understand and respect his decision but do still love him. We have been broken up now for a little over 5 weeks. I've seen him twice this past week and the first time, we kissed. It was just meant to be a casual dinner and movie but we both agreed it was amazing. We ended up having sex but afterwards, both agreed that we still had feelings that we didn't know were there. Feelings that were beyond physical. The next time, we tried to abstain from being physical but did have sex again. We also spent the night/day together watching tv, getting food/coffee, and talking. Eventually, we tackled the "what are we" topic. It's been a confusing few days, but we settled on from now on, being JUST friends. Abstaining from anything physical but still caring for one another and hanging out. He still loves me and cares for me as a friend, but is not in love with me at the moment. He seems to notice that I am now more secure and confident. We have decided to remain platonic friends for two months, and then see where we are in March. If any feelings have changed, if we should be together now, if we need more time, if we have met other people, etc. I just want to know, do you think I will just get friend-zoned? Do I have a chance with the man I love? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpingiron34 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Considering, i was sitting out front of my house a week ago with my ex girlfriend still contemplating taking her back bc i loved her who banged my friends, hopped in another relationship a month after we broke up then emotionally manipulated me. Id say you got a pretty good shot if you disappear and stop banging him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deecai Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 We definitely are going to stop having sex. We are still trying to be present as friends in each others lives and hang out/talk occasionally. I'm just worried that he'll start seeing me as just as a friend. I know he has feelings still but he's not "in love" and I think that love is hard to regain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatdeww18 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Would have to agree with Pumpingiron. He said there are feelings still there and that he's confused. It's kind of a easy way out a break up if you stay friends, ease the guilt, continue to have sex, etc. It's the situation of wanting to have your cake, and getting to eat it. He dumped you, still gets to have you by his side as a friend with "benefits" without the label. Respect yourself, remove yourself from this situation. Once he gets a new girlfriend, you will find yourself in pain and he will be happy and confused why you are in pain. Just a simple, "I still have feelings and I don't think being friends for now is a good idea. Would like some space for now." Take the time away to address the issues of insecurity and grow yourself. This is time for you, more of you, and all of you. Wishing you the best, -WhatDEWWWWW 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Hi all, first time poster. My ex-boyfriend and I are in college together and dated for 9 months. I used to be incredibly insecure, and he knew that. I made a huge mistake that involved kissing someone else that he forgave me for. The last 3 months of our relationship were rocky, we tried to regain what we had before the mistake. Things did start looking up towards the end, but he got so tired of sticking his neck out that he ended things. Wait what does that mean? Why was he always sticking his head out? Also, using men sexually or seeking their attention to resolve insecurities could be a serious issue so I would see if its a deep rooted issue or if its just a "phase" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Wait what does that mean? Why was he always sticking his head out? Also, using men sexually or seeking their attention to resolve insecurities could be a serious issue so I would see if its a deep rooted issue or if its just a "phase" I have the same question. Also, why did you kiss someone else OP? You need to get to the bottom of that before you two attempt being more than friends again. Unless you fell and landed on this guy's lips, it wasn't exactly a mistake. What led up to it? Who was it? That matters because unless you can identify why it happened, your ex probably won't trust that it won't happen again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deecai Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 Wait what does that mean? Why was he always sticking his head out? Also, using men sexually or seeking their attention to resolve insecurities could be a serious issue so I would see if its a deep rooted issue or if its just a "phase" Just sticking his neck out meaning he was risking getting hurt by choosing to stay with me. I made no more mistakes after that one time, he forgave me for it but that trust is hard to get back. I've reflected over this time apart, I hadn't seen him in 5 weeks before these two hangouts. It was a deep rooted issue pertaining to my self-worth. Something I've questioned since I was sexually assaulted in high school. Having someone treat me well and help me grow, and then growing on my own has made me more secure. He's even commented that I seem more confident and assured. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deecai Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 I have the same question. Also, why did you kiss someone else OP? You need to get to the bottom of that before you two attempt being more than friends again. Unless you fell and landed on this guy's lips, it wasn't exactly a mistake. What led up to it? Who was it? That matters because unless you can identify why it happened, your ex probably won't trust that it won't happen again. We've talked many times about it, always worked things through with communication. He knows how much I regret it, and that it meant nothing. He knows me better than I know myself it seems like. He saw my insecurities, and really tried to help me realize I deserved more than just validation from one night stands. The person was someone who is entirely unimportant in my life, a friend of a friend. We've worked through things and have talked about the lead up to the break up and everything. We both feel like we're in a good place since we want to still be in each other's lives and see each other, but not as people who are dating or in a relationship, just friends for these two months. I'm just worried I'll get friendzoned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 We've talked many times about it, always worked things through with communication. He knows how much I regret it, and that it meant nothing. He knows me better than I know myself it seems like. He saw my insecurities, and really tried to help me realize I deserved more than just validation from one night stands. The person was someone who is entirely unimportant in my life, a friend of a friend. We've worked through things and have talked about the lead up to the break up and everything. We both feel like we're in a good place since we want to still be in each other's lives and see each other, but not as people who are dating or in a relationship, just friends for these two months. I'm just worried I'll get friendzoned. But again I ask, why did you do it? I do understand you are remorseful but you haven't really been able to explain the circumstances of this kiss, or how your gave yourself permission to do it. What were you telling yourself in the moment you did it? I ask because somewhere inside you, you told yourself it was okay. Even if you regretted it after, you need to look more closely at how it even reached that point. I say all of this as someone who's been in your ex's shoes. I had a boyfriend who admitted to kissing someone else too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deecai Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 But again I ask, why did you do it? I do understand you are remorseful but you haven't really been able to explain the circumstances of this kiss, or how your gave yourself permission to do it. What were you telling yourself in the moment you did it? I ask because somewhere inside you, you told yourself it was okay. Even if you regretted it after, you need to look more closely at how it even reached that point. I say all of this as someone who's been in your ex's shoes. I had a boyfriend who admitted to kissing someone else too. I wasn't telling myself anything, I was extremely inebriated. Again, a lot of insecurities rooted from being sexually assaulted in high school. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deecai Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 We've also talked things through and agreed that the past is the past. We've both reflected and grown. We can look at our relationship maturely, we're just not at a place where we can just jump right back in. We're giving each other the two months as time to enjoy friends, enjoy each other as just friends, and date other people. And in two months time, if we both feel like we should be together, we will be. I'm just worried that I might just get friendzoned. I know there's still physical and emotional attraction. He still loves me and cares for me, he just isn't in love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 (edited) We've also talked things through and agreed that the past is the past. We've both reflected and grown. We can look at our relationship maturely, we're just not at a place where we can just jump right back in. We're giving each other the two months as time to enjoy friends, enjoy each other as just friends, and date other people. And in two months time, if we both feel like we should be together, we will be. I'm just worried that I might just get friendzoned. I know there's still physical and emotional attraction. He still loves me and cares for me, he just isn't in love. These two are fairly contradictory. If he's not in love, there's something missing either emotionally or physically. Or both. If he is going to be dating others, then I'm afraid you already are essentially friendzoned. A man doesn't let go of a woman he's crazy about, and certainly wouldn't be okay with her dating others. That kiss changed how he felt about you. Whose idea was it to be okay with seeing other people? Also, who suggested the two month timeline? I think for him the past really isn't the past, much as you both wanted it to be. You said he was tired of sticking his neck out for you, which I interpreted to mean he was tired of worrying you would hurt him again. This indicates he is not over what happened and though I am sure he wishes he were. You said you were drunk when you did it, so there's going to be a big question mark in the back of his mind any time you get drunk now. The problem with all of this, in my experience, is that his opinion of you changed the moment you stepped out of the relationship. He might not even be conscious of it, exactly, but I can promise you that dramatically changed how he felt about you. I don't mean to say that he's not attracted to you or doesn't care about you, but you showed him that you cannot be trusted and you disrespected him. Even if he forgave you, it evidently was still bothering him enough to end the relationship. As you said, trust is very hard to get back. For him, there isn't enough incentive to stay right now. What was once secure and safe for him disappeared when you made that choice. For now, I would keep serious distance from him. He might want to try again, but I would not suggest being too close at the moment. It will be too painful for you if he does start seeing another girl. My suggestion would be to work on those insecurities you mentioned, and focus on the next chapter of your life. That way, whatever happens between you two, you will be in a emotionally healthier place. Edited January 23, 2017 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I wasn't telling myself anything, I was extremely inebriated. Again, a lot of insecurities rooted from being sexually assaulted in high school. Are you very bubbly, out going.. have many friends, and an extrovert? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deecai Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 Are you very bubbly, out going.. have many friends, and an extrovert? I would say so, yes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I would say so, yes. The sexual assualt in my opinion is a red herring. It happened... but i dont think you were young enough to make a long lasting damage that you developed a deep impact in your interaction with ppl... again my opinion. Its possible you have histronic traits...but nothing on the extreme level... i would check into it Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Sorry deecai, but you're lying to yourself. You said "we settled on from now on, being JUST friends." You didn't settle on it; you accepted it, without wanting it. You said: "I'm just worried that I might just get friend zoned." But you've already friend zoned yourself. You have demoted yourself. Here is a poem. Read it through and reflect upon it. To part now and parting now, Never to meet again; To have done for ever; I and thou, With joy, and so with pain. It is too hard, too hard to meet If we trust love no more; Those other meetings were too sweet That went before. And I would have, now love is over, An end to all, an end: I cannot, having been your lover, Stoop to become your friend. —ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.” Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
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